Saturday, July 29, 2006

Entertaining myself...

Ok, we all know that I came from a really unfortunate home town. I think we've established that over the last several posts, and for some odd reason I catch shit about it any time I ever mention the name of my home town to people who have had the distinct pleasure of ever visiting the fair little hamlet firsthand. (I think this is why I developed the warped sense of humor I now have, because if it weren't for that, I'd have done myself in YEARS ago because of the sheer unfortunate nature of it all... And I know that suicide is nothing to joke about, but like I said I'm warped, and this is my blog, so get over it... If you're a regular here, you know better!)

So in the interest of preserving my own sanity, I have pursued activities that get me away from the house for hours on end, and hopefully, usually involve the imbibing of alcohol in large quantities.

Thursday night was no exception. I went with my dear old friend Shannon to see our local minor league team play some ball... As if the prospect of watching baseball wasn't enough to lure me away from another night of watching "So You Think You Can Dance" with the resident octogenarian, it was also "Thirsty Thursday" at the ball park. Beer was $1.00! (Please, trust me when I tell you that dollar beers at the minor league baseball game on Thursdays is nice if you are already stuck in this sparrow-fart of a town, but certainly no reason to flock here if you are otherwise residentially established... No, REALLY. TRUST ME!!)

At the game, Shannon showed off her hot new phone! (And yes, that is one of those old phones that doesn't even have a SIM card and is only about 2 steps from being a Zack Morris brick phone... But it's new for her, so we don't judge.)

Here's a view of the ball park... If you have ever seen the movie "A League of Their Own" then you have seen this field before. The bulk of the movie was shot here. I ought to know. I was trapped here back then too.

I also mentioned that I have been charged with the care of my nephews... And that we played with Play Doh... Here is the proof!

And here's one of my sister playing with my other nephew upon her return from work... Because they are just so damn cute!

Since you saw Shannon and her lovely phone, perhaps we should introduce you to her dog, Doogie. (Yes, as in "Howser, M.D.")

Friday night, despite the fact that there isn't really any great place to go and hang out, my old pal Whitney and I went to get some BIG beers at a place called "Old Chicago." (Either the Chicago I live in is something from another, more fabulous, and pricier time, or I was just so desperate to have some association with the city I so dearly love, that this is where we ended up.) Clearly Whitney is very excited.

And to prove I was actually there, rather than just gathering random pictures from the internet to make me sound cooler than the nerd that I actually am, (which is what I have a sneaking suspicion Marcia does,) I had a waiter, (who I actually knew from grade school) take a picture of us being kind of awesome.

I suppose I will further entertain you by telling you a little story. Now, its important that you remember that my grandfather is 85, and that his hearing is AWFUL, and that his sight is EVEN WORSE. Apparently I have been pretty successful in staying under his radar, because when I got home from drinking with Whitney, my mom tells me this amusing little anecdote.

After I left to go out, my grandfather says to my mom, "Uhh, are you at all concerned about your daughter's personal hygiene?"

My mom, clearly not following what he was implying, because all of her senses are functional asked him what he meant.

"Well, I don't think that she has showered the whole time she's been here."

"Umm, dad, didn't you just see her an hour ago? She came down with wet hair... She has showered every day including today, shortly before she left to go out."

"She has?"

"Yeah dad."

Apparently, while I know I have showered daily, and my mom knows I have showered, and I don't think that I am producing any pungent or offensive odors, or anything like Eau de Hobo, because I have not announced my showering, or because his senses are not hearing the shower running, or seeing me come out with wet hair, it has not happened. Apparently my hygiene is a cause for concern.

If I had known a few days ago that my grandfather was one to adhere to the "If I didn't see it, it didn't happen" policy, I'd have taken up some interesting hobbies... Like, say.... Armed burglary! I mean the old man would have been a stellar alibi! I mean really, who better than my 85 year old grandpa to tell the fuzz, "OH, no officer! It couldn't have been her! She can't even manage to make it up to the shower, there's no way she'd ever get far enough out of the house to rob 5 convenience stores, a Wal Mart, a liquor store, three federal banks, an armored car, and little Susie's lemonade stand! ...Why she's been here all day! I haven't seen or heard her leave once!"

Damn, another opportunity missed.

Guess I'll just have to make my money betting on the grey ponies at the track!

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Today I was entrusted with the care of a small child! (Film at 11.)

My sister trusted me to take care of my 4 year old nephew. We had a grand old time. We played on the swing set, we watched some Veggie Tales, we played games on, and we played with play doh... Because play doh is awesome, even to me, and yes, I am in my mid 20s. So shut the hell up.

After my sister came home from work, (I think she only came home to verify that the livelihood of her 4 year old was not entirely compromised, ...Well, either that, or to catch the last 30 minutes of "The Incredibles.") upon her return, I came back to the homestead, grabbed some dinner, and ran off to see the Otters play some minor league baseball with my friend Shannon. (Pictures later.)

Upon further discussion I have decided that going to the race track on Saturday and betting on the ponies is more fun than hanging out with the octogenarian, so that's what I plan on doing.

In the interest of making the Lizzle a rich woman, does anyone have any strategies for which horses to bet on versus which ones to avoid? I've heard that its best to bet on grey horses, horses with braided manes, and horses that poop before the race... anyone have any other strategies?? I'm not above examining just about any theory!

Let me know kids!!!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Happy teeth...

Well, my teeth are fine. See, aren't they pretty?

Yeah, I know the pictures of other people's nastiness that you can find on the internet continues to amaze and disgust me more and more each day!

But really, those teeth clearly aren't mine. Mine are lovely and sparkling.

Tomorrow will bring me newfound adventures out of the house as I will be getting up early to go to babysit for my nephews and make a little cash, and if I'm not too worn out at the end of the day, I might be attending a minor league baseball game with one of my friends from LONG LONG ago.

That's really all I've got for you at the moment. Sorry... Boring posts come with being bored all the damn time.

I'll try to do better!

And it's official...

I have found it! I have made an astonishing scientific breakthrough...

I've found the one place on the face of the earth where TIME STANDS STILL!!! In fact, I think here in my home towm, it occasionally runs backward... There is no other reason or explaination for how long the days feel here.

You need an example of just how insanely bored I am here?

I am actually excited to go to the dentist because it will get me out of the house for a while.

Please feel free to stare at that last sentence in disbelief for a while... YUP. I am excited to have sharp metal objects scraping the delicate tissues of my gums and have to suffer the pains of holding my mouth open wide enough so the hygenist can get her pneumatic scubber thing in all the tiny crevices of my mouth for an hour... Yeah, you know you're bored when the prospect of visiting the dentist seems appealing.

I've come to the conclusion that getting through the next week will take a mentality much like the one I had to adopt when I lived with crazy Jennie. That mentality consisted of avoiding contact with the other resident of the apartment in order to avoid conflict and insanely idiotic confrontations and arguments. The keys to that strategy were to keep different hours than the other person, and to be at home as little as possible. That second key element is significantly harder here. I am unable to drive while I'm here, and unlike Chicago, there is no other relaible way to get around and go places... Of course, that would imply that there are things to do here in my home town, which is categorically untrue.

If you will excuse me, I am going to go gather the necessary supplies to begin shoving sharpened bamboo poles under my fingernails... And then I think I'll while away the hours counting wood chips or something...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'll let the pictures do the talking...

Well kids, Blogger has finally decided to cooperate with me, allowed me to upload all my pictures and publish the fine post you are currently reading.

I mentioned that the weekend before I left you all, I went out with Alana, and I didn't get around to posting those pictures until just now. We ended up in some hole in the wall bar called the Bel Air Club... I don't recommend it, unless of course you are really into creepy old men.

Heather is anything but camera shy.

Alana was drunk enough that she decided to pretend to be a member of the Bel Air Club's staff and started carding people and trying to tell them that they had to go because she was not convinced they were really over 21.

Dierdre told us at 11:30 that she was tired and headed home... And then we ran into her at the 4 AM bar that we ended up at that evening... She doesn't look so tired to me!

And when I made the "cock salad" remark, I was visiting with Anthony when this hot chick showed up...

God, I have some hot friends! (Anthony and Caro are UNDENIABLY hot!)

And shortly thereafter I hopped a plane, flew through insane storms and turbulence, and arrived safely so that the drinking and revelry of my family reunion could get under way! But we had to drive there first, because the cabins are out in the sticks! So we entertained the boys in the back seat...

Apparently we weren't that entertaining...

Or maybe we were... Cody sure seems to think so!

Thomas, my soon to be brother-in-law is well liked.

We had to put the kids to bed before the adults could really play... And we pleaded with my oldest sister to buy some pajamas for Tyler that didn't so closely resemble shorts worn by Mariah Carey.

... The slippers are hot though!

Just one last bit of fun before we bust out the booze! (Because inverted babies are always a good time!)

Now the liquor begins to flow, and Becky starts to molest Patsy.

Even Dorothy is drinkin!!! YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA GET ROWDY!

Patsy is downing some wine from a regular old drinking glass... Apparently a standard wine glass couldn't contain the amount needed to get through this kind of night!

These are all of the crazed people I call my siblings... We are a strange and wonderful little bunch...
(From left to right: Kim, Becky, Bill, Jessica, Liz.)

And here's my brother and in all likelihood my future sister in law, Lisa.
We keep it relatively low-key Friday night so that Saturday can be spent engaging in assorted activities... This year, volleyball was the activity of choice... we spent the VAST MAJORITY of the day pummeling each other on the court... And only Thomas and I were injured in the process.

The minor injuries sustained were quite remarkable all things considered.

You can see in this picture that despite the athletic activity, none of us were really dressed for it... but that didn't stop us!

Cody was one of our better spectators, wearing what is undoubtedly the cutest shirt I've ever seen! (It has a little beaver on it, and underneath it simply reads, "Busy.")

Tarreck is always one to talk a big game, as we all know...

And then he runs off to abuse the young children... And eat their souls.

Mya made it out alive... and looking adorable as ever!

Fortunately, little Keaton got away too... Apparently Tarreck isn't the accomplished child trapper he claims to be. Like I said, he talks a big game though.

But then the children turn the tables on him...

And no one is the least bit concerned... because it's time to start the REAL drinking.

Tarreck has trapped Olivia and Mya... I have a feeling they slipped out of his clutches while he was passed out after Saturday night's heavy boozing.

The drinking increases along with the stakes as there is a heated game of Left Right Center with money riding on the line!! (I won 2 games, thank you very much.)

You have to be a true midwesterner not to laugh when you hear mention of "French Lick, Indiana" but even the most seasoned midwesterners laugh when Dorothy gets a t-shirt from French Liquors featuring a Rolling Stones style tongue.

Serious concentration and alcohol consumption over another round of Left Right Center.

Becky is a bit of a violent drunk... Julia seems well prepared for the attack though.

And after all, its family, so its all in good fun.

The pot grows on the Left Right Center game, and concentration wanes as the alcohol absorption rate increases.

Seriously, I think this might be the only way to lure such a diverse group of people into one activity... With booze and the prospect of winning the pot on such a big game!

Me and my cousin John... because I haven't been in a picture all night. (And from the looks of this picture, that's probably a good thing.)

Aunt Mary and John holding up a VERY intoxicated Angie... because that's what family is for!

And we wrap things up in the hot tub with a couple of beers... because we're not total hethens!

Upon my return to civilization, I found out that I was invited to another family reunion... This time for my dad's side of the family. And seriously, I just gotta say, that with cousins who came from the same gene pool, I'm struggling just to keep up.

I mean look at these kids!!! And would you believe that Abby is just FOURTEEN?

Yeah, so that's the family reunion roundup... I'm sorry if the pictures didn't quite capture the level of booze, or the incredible amount of fun, but I was too busy drinking and laughing to get much else!

I know I had a damn good time!!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Technical difficulties...

Oh, bless you, my dear sweet readers who have anxiously awaited my return. I'm back. Unfortunately the bitches at Blogger don't feel like cooperating with me today, so the only picture I could get to upload from my adventures so far is this one of my grandpa being cute in his little hat and mowing the lawn with the electric mower... I think it works in the context of this post because it would seem that blogger has been unplugged.