Monday, January 26, 2009

Can I just have a nap?

The weekend was not as relaxing as I'd have liked.

I knew that doing the ghetto-fix using tape or plastic sheeting of any kind simply wasn't going to cut it when it came to closing my car window. And I knew this because I work in an area that's kind of run down, and well, ghetto, so bitches would think nothing of just busting through that shit.

So I got up on Saturday and decided that I was going to try my hand at a real solution. So I did a little googling, and I searched for a screwdriver, and out I went. And then I turned into a total bull-dyke for a couple of hours and I fixed that shit myself.

Yes, that's right, I took the door panel off and fixed that window and put the door panel back on all by my lonesome.

I then decided that all I wanted to do was go in and watch some reruns of "House" and call it a night... but Ollie had other plans. He called me up and requested that I accompany him to the gay bar. And by "requested" I mean demanded, and by "gay bar" I mean tragic leather daddy dive bar.

"Ollie! I can't go to the gay bar! I've been WAAAAY too dykey today!"

"You're going."

"No, I need to save the money! I fixed my car myself. I fixed it myself instead of taking it to a mechanic because I need to save the money!"

"Well, see you need to celebrate that you fixed it yourself... BY GOING TO THE BAR!"

"I CAN'T! I can't spend the money!"

"You're going. I don't care if I have to drag your dykey ass out of the house in sweats, you're going to the bar."

"NOOOO! I have to go try on bridesmaid dresses in the morning... That will most likely be plenty painful without the added pains of a hangover!"

"Oh that's funny, I still don't care. You have one hour. Get dressed."


"You're going. We're done talking."


"See you in an hour."

"I hate you."

So I went. And I laughed. And I drank. And I danced. And I laughed and drank on the dance floor. I admit that I had fun... But there was a price to pay, and it was exacted on me the folowing morning.

I woke up with a wretched hangover!

And while all the other bridesmaids were all giggly and chipper over lunch, I was sullen and salty as I clutched a large glass of water while praying that I could keep some of it down.

We went. We tried on dresses. We ended up with an interesting green number, and I nearly beat some bridal shop girls down with mannequin arms, because it is ridiculous to ask 6 bridesmaids to use ONE fitting room when they have an appointment, and you knew they were coming.

I then went with The Admiral for a little "hair of the dog."

In retrospect, I should've gone home for a nap.

I didn't get home until 11, I didn't get to bed until 1. Which is a problem when you've gotta be up at 6.

I just need a nap.

Friday, January 23, 2009

If it's broken, and it's going to be expensive to fix, it's probably mine...

Today is one of those days... Work was shitty. (Work being shitty is nothing new, but it was shittier than usual because half of my staff decided not to show up, and one of my supervisors decided to get pissed off because the other person who gets paid to do my job decided not to accomplish a damn thing for yet another shift... And then she decided not to show up for her shift to relieve me at the end of mine.) So there I was, getting berated for things that weren't my doing, and trying to do five people's work all by myself. When it came time for me to take my lunch, I tried my hand at improving my day. I went and found myself a pretty rad new shirt, and a Burt's Bees pomegranate infused lip balm... And in a handy twist of fate, and the one thing that went right for me today, I managed to get them both for a grand total of sixty-two cents. And with that one little thing going right, I threw off the balance of nature, and FAR more expensive things started going wrong.

As I left work, I noted that it was actually a few degrees above freezing today. So I rolled down a window not so much for the balmy temperature, as for a little fresh air. I noticed that the window I wanted to roll down wouldn't work... So I rolled down a different window. Upon getting home and giving it a little further inspection, I found that it would roll down when using a different switch, but then no matter which switch I used, it wouldn't roll up. Marvelous. So now one of my windows is down just enough to tempt someone into trying to reach in and steal what little I have if I should decide to go anywhere... And certainly it's down far enough to let in enough moisture from rain, sleet, and snow which will surely settle in and mold the back seat.

In an attempt to do a little homework online to see if there was any way that I could fix it myself, I got on my trusty computer, which seems to normally function on some level of busted-ness, but which had decided to actually work properly for the last couple of days. As I was searching for answers, I found nothing... Nothing but frustration as the computer too decided to stop properly functioning as well.

All for a lip balm and a rad shirt for 62 cents... If I'd known that's how it was all going to go down, and that the measly 16 dollars worth of positivity would throw things the natural balance so far off kilter, I'd have paid regular price for them, and keep my window and computer working.

But at least I didn't get arrested.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Happy Inauguration Day!

It's a big day for America!

It's Inauguration day! We've finally replaced that nincompoop (who I believe is actually quite shrewd and works hard at making us believe that he was an even bigger nincompoop, while slipping stuff under the radar of most folks who merely heard his terrible public speeches and wouldn't believe that he was intelligent enough to get one over on any of us)!

It's a big deal, no matter who you are, or who you voted for. I don't care if you're black, white, blue, red, green, pink, or every shade of the rainbow. I don't care if you voted for Ralph Nader, John McCain and his insipid running mate who will not be named, or any other pairing on the ticket in your state. No matter who you are, where you live, or what your political affiliations are, you have to admit that there is an electricity and an excitement in the air that hasn't been present in American politics for far too long.

People are finally getting interested in the people that are running the show. I am so glad to see that people are waking up and giving a damn about the things that will not only impact their lives, but the lives of their children... It's kind of an important thing to care about, don't you think?

An Officer, and The Admiral:

Just before I was scheduled to go in to work, I got a text message from my best friend, "The Admiral." Before I tell you what it said, I should note that we tend to call or message each other when we have bad days and compare notes. I have pretty crappy luck in life, so I usually win this contest, where it is usually better to be the loser... Today I got trumped.

The message, verbatim, read: "Today I got arrested. I've finally beat you."

Knowing that it was only early afternoon on a Monday, and that The Admiral is generally a law-abiding citizen, I knew that this was a big deal, and that there must be a story to go with it.

I called her, hoping that if she was able to access her phone to text me, that she still had access to it to talk to me and give me the full scoop on how the hell she managed to get arrested. I also wanted to know if I needed to figure out some means of bailing her out.

She answered, which reassured me that she was ok.

"What the hell! ARRESTED? HOW? WHY? And might I add, WOW!"

"Well, I went to get my taxes done. That was shitty because I found out I owe the government a few hundred dollars that I don't have. So I was upset. I was crying while driving back to the office and trying to figure out how I was going to pay it."

"Ok, that's shitty in and of itself. But that doesn't explain getting arrested... Did you black out and go on a kill-crazy shooting spree?"

"Well, remember that car accident I got into a few months ago?"


"Well, I got a citation for following too closely, and for not having proof of insurance with me. They told me to submit proof of insurance when I paid the fine, or they would suspend my license... I paid the fine, but totally forgot about the insurance card."

"OH, shit!"

"Yeah, so while I was crying over my taxes and driving today, I apparently missed a sign that said no turn on red, and a cop was there to see it."


"So of course I'm in hysterics over the tax thing and then getting pulled over on top of it... So when he got to the window, I was a mess."


"So he runs my license and unbeknownst to me, it comes up as suspended. Since I was hysterical already, he probably thought I already knew about it and was upset because I knew I was in trouble for it, but I really didn't know! That was probably why he was such a dick!"


"Yeah, so I was cuffed and put in the back of the car for driving on a suspended license. They printed me and everything... Though now if I'm ever murdered and something happens where I end up beheaded they can still identify me, because now they have my prints in the system!"

"Well, clearly that's the bright side in all of this!"

"Yeah, so they took away my license and impounded my car, and gave me a court date... It took him a while, but once the arresting officer figured out that my story was true, and that I really wasn't lying and trying to put anything past him, he stopped being such a dick, even saying that he wasn't going to require a bond on me because this was my first arrest, and that he could tell from my hysterics that this wasn't something I had done regularly... I think I even went so far as to reassure him 'NO, this isn't like me! I'm a good girl! REALLY! I'm a good girl!'"

"So they didn't put you in a cell or anything, right?"

"No... They booked me, but didn't put me in the slammer. I think they could tell that I was not the type to do well in jail."

"Wow... I just don't know what else to say. WOW!"

"Yeah, I finally scored one on you."

"Congratulations... You trumped me. Well done!"

"Oh, it was really just a matter of time... I mean I got engaged, got into law school, and got a huge scholarship all in one month's time... Things were just going far too well, OF COURSE it all had to go awry."

"WOW... I just don't know what else to say. That is an impressively bad day."

As much as I don't look at this as a win for me, because it is unfortunate and it happened to someone I care about, it is nice to know that it DIDN'T happen to me. I am by no means gloating over this, because I wholeheartedly sympathize when the shit hits the fan and just keeps heaping up, and it happened to my best friend, so that sucks. Can't we all just collectively catch a huge break?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Crazy Magnet...

As a person with my life experiences, and job history, I've come to the realization that I'm some kind of magnet for all kinds of crazy. And as a crazy magnet who is working in retail, I've also come to grips with the fact that it was almost inevitable that the crazy would come and find me at the store.

Today it happened.

I was in the last hour of my scheduled shift, fantasizing about going home and forgetting the crap I'd put up with all day. One of the people I regularly converse with, Patty, was headed to take a break and smoke a cigarette. Since things had warmed up to a balmy 10 degrees ABOVE zero, I decided I would accompany her outside so that I had someone to talk to while she got her nicotine fix.

No sooner than we got out there, the crazy found me.

A customer came out of the store, having freshly purchased a can of pringles potato chips. She popped the top, and ate a chip or two. She then said that she thought they tasted bad. Having the particular job I have at the store, I told her that if she wanted to return them, we'd help her out with that. Almost instantly, she said that she felt like she was going to sue because she felt like she was going to get food poisoning. Then she decided she was going to act like she was feeling ill. Instantly she was talking of calling her lawyer... And the crazy magnet now pulled me in and got me involved.

This crazy lady decided she wanted to make a real production of it... Simply returning the can of chips wasn't an option! Not when there was money to be made with frivolous litigation! So she demanded that we fil out an incident report. All over one measly bad pringle.

While we were filling out the paperwork, she called 911. Yes, you read that right, she had one stale potato chip and called an ambulance! AN AMBULANCE!!! I don't think it's necessary to inform you that the EMTs were PISSED when they found out why they'd been called. They told her to go home, drink some water, get some rest, and that they weren't going to treat her. Then they got back in their rig, slammed the doors, and peeled out of the parking lot to go to REAL emergencies.

I then spent an additional 40 minutes beyond the scheduled end of my shift filling out an incident witness statement instead of going home and forgetting about my shitty work day.

All for one bad pringle.

I tell you, the crazy just finds me like a heat seeking missile.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

How about a knuckle sandwich?

Let's talk about some cold ass weather.

For those of you not currently residing in Canada, or the midwestern U.S, I feel the need to inform you that it has been cold here... But cold isn't the word for it. A more appropriate way to put it would be A TRAUMATIC AND BRUTAL ASSAULT ON THE SENSES.

When talking to my mother, I mentioned that despite living in Chicago for more than six years, (a place widely reputed for brutal winters,) I noted that I believed that despite all my memories of all the winters I spent there, I have absolutely no recollection of the existence of such cold, and that I must've mentally blocked it out like an abuse victim mentally blocks out traumatic memories.

Knowing that it was as cold as it was, (seriously, NOT counting wind chill, we're talking -18,) I was not thrilled about the prospect of getting out of bed to go to work my crappy retail job. But as I mentioned in my last post, I need the money so that I can get the hell out of Ohio as soon as possible, so I was thinking in more long-term parameters. So I got up, shivered, and said to myself that if the car didn't start on the first try that I would not feel guilty about calling off. And given the temperature, and the fact that my car is 10 years old, there was a distinct possibility that is was going to sputter for a second and tell me to bugger off. But in the interest of putting forth an honest effort, I went out, put the key in, and tried it. And wouldn't you know it, that thing turned over like nothing. So as it ran for a few minutes and warmed up a little, I ran back into the house, tried to shake off the cold, and went to layer up appropriately for work. And after bundling up, I went to work. My coworkers were not quite so diligent.

Three of the five people who were supposed to work under my watch called off, and the other two were late. The one person who my supervisors were supposed to send to help me out, was taken back to answer phones or something. Basically, I was doing it all myself as usual. I wasn't too upset though, because the extreme cold seemed to keep most rational people away, so things were relatively calm. I noted to a few of the people that I worked with that I genuinely questioned the intelligence and judgment of anyone coming to the store to get anything other than prescription medication, diapers, or a space heater.

Once things picked up and my late comers arrived, I was managing to juggle three or four things at one time, when a customer decided to get her nose all out of joint. She threw a fit when she had to stand behind one other person in line, and essentially demanded that I stop what I was doing to wait on her. I went ahead and opened up a register so that we could take her money and get her the hell out of there. As I bagged up her items and informed her of her total, one of the items in the bag shifted and was sticking partially out of the bag... At which point the bitch clearly lost her mind. She pitched a royal fit, calling my rush and my bagging skills "disgusting" and stating that she couldn't believe any of it! Seriously... Things shift once bagged. And if that makes me "disgusting" then I'm fine with it, as everyone who ever placed items in a bag only to have them shift is "disgusting" right there along with me. I, of course, wanted to punch her in the face, and as she sat bleeding on the floor, I'd have shouted at her, "What is disgusting is your attitude. Now get the hell out and don't come back until you've learned how to treat people." But seeing as I need my paycheck at the moment, I didn't.

I'm in hell.

Talking about the weather and my desire to assault people is really the best I can manage at the moment.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Going nowhere fast...

When I first came up with the idea to relocate to the South, the original concept resonated with me so much that when I talked to my cousin, it was "THE SOONER THE BETTER! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" But things have changed somewhat. After some money was spent on car repairs, and other unforeseen expenses, it has become pretty clear that I've got to get some finances in order before picking up the stakes and rollin' to the other side of the Mason-Dixon... Which is really tough to do on a crappy retail pay scale. So I'm still working on planning the logistics of the move, because it's really tough to find an apartment in a city 9 hours from where you currently live. Sure you can look at online listings, but the pictures that people post on the apartment search websites can deceive you into thinking a roach motel is a palatial estate. "We have in unit washer dryer hookups, hardwood floors throughout, OH, and you're conveniently next door to a very lovely crack house!" None of that shows up in the pictures that they put up. It's an interesting endeavor to be sure.

And when you're saving all that you can to afford the move, planning a trip to another time zone and another region of the country is an expensive notion that seems a little out of the question for the time being. So I'm cooling my heels and waiting for my bank balance to tell me it's ok to start thinking about this in concrete terms.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still eager to get this thing nailed down and over with, but without the help of some ridiculously wealthy benefactor, I'm going to be spending my days biting my tongue and busting my ass in the retail world... Unless any of you want to contribute to my cause! (In which case I will totally sing your praises as I hightail it outta here, and you know me, I'm not one to mooch off you guys, which should tell you how big this is to me!)

In other news, despite my better judgement, I went to a job interview here in Ohio the other day, thinking that if things worked out, I could at least spend a few weeks earning a check while not being ridiculed behind a cash register, or maybe put in for a transfer if I learned that was a possibility... Turns out it was another one of those bullshit "group interview" gigs where some dude yammers on for an hour while never actually saying anything, and then hooking a few of the dumber sons of bitches with talk of an unreasonably large paycheck, but not once ever mentioning what you needed to do to get it... My momma didn't raise a fool. My ass walked out while others remained seated around the table, and I again had the notion that some of them were folks planted to talk the idiots into sticking around and wasting their time and energy on some pyramid scheme or craptastic sales job where you spend all day pounding the pavement for someone else's benefit, or cold calling people for ten bucks an hour. Either way, not for me! I just thought you should know.

The poop house post has been delayed, but it is about half-way completed... I don't know when it'll actually be up, and I could give you a date, but I don't want to lie to you.

Much love, bitches!

Friday, January 09, 2009

When in doubt...

If ever you were wondering how best to spend your day when you are in Hell, Ohio, let me tell you!

Let me be your guide through this fantastic voyage!

Get up early. Curse your very existence. Curse harder at the state of your life. Curse harder still at George W. Bush. Then get yourself all dolled up and go to work. Do your job, even though it's crappy retail work that any trained monkey could do. And when your boss calls you in for a chat, (the same boss that you wanted to punch in the face the night before,) go ahead and chat with her. Listen to her bullshit "feedback" about your performance. Smile and nod, and hold your tongue, knowing that you're not going to be there very much longer, and that soon you'll be able to tell her to "shove it where the sun don't shine" and not worry about where your next meal is coming from because you don't need that bullshit paycheck from that bullshit job. Keep that smile going because you know that not only are you about 30 IQ points smarter than her, and much better able to work with people without offending them, you're awesome, and people love reading your blog... In fact, anyone with any real sense seems to love you, so just keep that in mind when listening to the nitwit who makes bank by talking down to you.

When you're done nodding at your boss while ignoring everything she says because you don't really give a rat's pink ass, go home. Hook up your analog-to-digital converter box, because we all know that your poor ass can't be wasting money on extravagant things like cable! And then marvel at the fact that you get more channels and that none of them are all fuzzy, snowy, and wobbly like the ones you've gotten used to!

When the novelty has worn off, take a little something to make your back feel better, because only a week ago you were having back spasms, and you've already been back at work for a 5 days, and have a short little nap. When you get up, cook yourself a lovely dinner of pasta and marinara sauce, and crack open a bottle of wine... Keep it open. You're going to be done with it by the time the night is through.

Go ahead and put some laundry in the washing machine so that the night isn't a total loss.

As the mellow buzz of the wine mixes with what little amount of the mild pain killer that's still in your system, laugh your ass off when you realize that one of your new channels is airing the 80's B-movie horror classic, "Killer Clowns From Outer Space." Watch in amazement.

Move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

When the Killer Clowns have been defeated, channel surf for a little while, and marvel that Carson Daly still has a television show, and someone finds him relevant enough to keep paying him. That revelation should really keep you busy for a good long while.

Fold your laundry, match your socks, and put fresh sheets on the bed.

When you've thoroughly exhausted yourself trying to figure out that Carson Daly dilemma, have yourself a shower making sure to wash in your belly button and behind your ears (among other important places to wash!) Make sure you've washed your face, then brush your teeth, (don't forget to floss!) and head for bed.

That really is the long and short of it.

Congratulations, you've just survived a day in Hell, Ohio.

Is this as good as it gets, or what?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

More poop house to come, but not today...

Today I thought I'd opt for a feces-free post.

Your basic lizzle update as it were.

I continue to speculate and plan for a move down south, but have nothing set just yet. In the meantime, my current crappy retail job continues to suck the life out of me. (And it endangers the life of one particular supervisor, as she tends to make demands of me which are ridiculously beyond the scope of my job description. She seems to think that I can get my normal full 8 hours worth of work done, and done well mind you, and that she can also heap on another 3-5 hours worth of OTHER PEOPLE'S work for me to do, all while expecting me to supervise my underlings effectively, and making sure that they are doing what they are supposed to do, despite the fact that they seem pretty friggin helpless when I'm busy busting my hump... It's a crappy retail job, and they don't pay me nearly enough to get all that other crapola done, so they can just kiss my fat ass! But back to that supervisor, when she makes her unreasonable demands, she acts like I'm just manicuring my nails on the job, instead of running my ass off, and then she makes smug remarks when I finish crap that she should be doing to "lead by example." That frosts my pumpkin! In point of fact, she's lucky that I was able to restrain myself from giving her a fat lip for her little remark tonight!)

I'm just venting because I'm in a salty mood, and I'm ready for my life to finally feel like it's getting somewhat on track...

Anyway, I just thought you might like a non-poop related update, and for those of you anxiously awaiting the next installment of the poop house variety, I have the weekend off, so I should be able to get something done up by Monday... So there.

Words of encouragement are appreciated, as I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for morale these days.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

An open letter to 2008...

Dear 2008,

First off, let's not beat around the bush, because 2008, you sucked. I'm glad that we're done forever, because you used me and abused me, and now as far as I'm concerned you can suck a big fat, scabies-ridden cock! Yeah, that's right! I said it!

The start of 2008 still had me doing that social work bullshit. That is bad enough. Early in 2008 I took a mini vacay to use up a few of my remaining paid vacation days to go and visit my family down south. The vacation was nice enough, and I bought new sheets while I was there. But part of my time down there was spent belly-aching to my aunt about my crappy job. Her take on things was that I'd pretty well already made up my mind to leave that crap, but that if I wasn't already thinking that, then it sure sounded like I was ready to bounce. I got home and went back to drinking, working, and plotting my escape.

In an effort to genuinely forget the hell of my life for a few days, I went to vegas. That trip didn't go off as planned, but it was still a spectacular time. That was really the highlight of 2008. Which isn't saying much because it was little more than an abberant long weekend where I was allowed to live on someone else's dime.

In late spring/early summer, Kirsten came to town to take her LSAT, and I really made the final decision to leave social work for whatever Ohio had to offer. In the meantime, the job continued to suck the life out of me though. I quit that shit for good in mid July, and had moved before the month was out. I then went to the family reunion which wasn't bad, but certainly lacked it's usual luster.

Shortly after my arrival in Ohio, the economy collapsed. And I shat myself metahporically. And of course my car decided to stop working and require $800 worth of work... $800 I REALLY didn't have.


In discussions regarding the economy all over the U.S. it was widely stated that Ohio was economically the worst state in the union. The job market was total bullshit, and despite sending out something like 700 resumes, I got a ridiculously low number of interviews, and got pissed off.

Then Hurricane Ike blew through. That bitch knocked out the power at my house for a week. During that week, Kirsten essentially took to living at Mike's house, so I spent a great deal of time alone with the cat.

When the power came back, the refrigerator did not. It took another 6 weeks before the landlord decided to fix that shit. (In case you were wondering, 7 weeks without the use of a refrigerator for ANY purpose SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.) And somewhere in there I had a shitty birthday, improved only slightly by the fact that I actually got to see Kirsten for the first time in weeks.

And after having only the cat for company for roughly 2 months, Kirsten came and got him and took him with her to Mike's house... My only friends in Ohio were now living elsewhere, and seldom heard from thereafter.

Right around the time that my bank balance hit absolute zero, and the refrigerator got fixed, my computer stopped working correctly, and I got a call telling me that I'd gotten a crappy retail job. GREAT!

So I spent most of the fall and early winter months cursing under my breath while fetching carts, change, and plastic bags for people, and wondering why I bothered getting a college degree, let alone a degree from a respectable university... I still do the cursing during my retail shifts, in case you were wondering. (And then I remind myself that it's not the poop house... but it still sucks.)

Then Kirsten got engaged, which didn't suck for me, but didn't really do much to improve things for me either. It did, however, solidify the fact that I have no reason to stay in Ohio, because the one reason I came to Ohio decided to fall in love and get married, and sledom be heard from ever again.

To round out my shitty 2008, I spent Christmas alone because I had to work on Christmas eve and the day after Christmas, effectively isolating me for the holiday season. I worked some of that shit, and then started having intensely painful back spasms. I then spent a few days on pain killers, and to really round out a shitty year properly, I had to have more work done on my car to the tune of $300. (I know, AWESOME, right?)

(Oh, and I got sued.)

So 2008 can suck it... In fact, 2008 DID suck it.

2008 sucked a golf ball through a garden hose.

Thank god we're done with that piece of shit year!