I don't know why it isn't showing up, but I did comment on Dave's dating-tip post. Click the zero, and you'll see it's really there! (There are a few things he and I will have to discuss, but once again, that's between me and Dave... ) As for the rest of you, I really hope that you checked out the game I recommended. It's quite educational and fun! Where else can you destroy your enemies with the infamous Howard Dean Maniacal scream? Seriously, give it a try!!!

As for the random guy and Dave's comments about the banana thing compensating for my lack of man-action, I have a rebuttal. Yeah, it's been a while since I've had some desirable play. I admit that. And yes, I still have the v-card at 22... which is a whole other story, but I digress. In the entry the other day I was talking about teaching myself to like bananas... and you decided that it was because it was a phallic symbol etc, this however is not the case. My argument is this: I was teaching myself to like banana in that entry, the reverse is simply not true. I don't have to teach myself to appreciate the other, as I'm a decidedly heterosexual female. I'll leave it at that, and if there are any further problems I'd appreciate if you took them up with me personally.

Also this weekend holds all kinds of possibility, as Friday is decidedly a "Girls' night" and since I'm WAY past due, I'm going out lookin for trouble. We all know where these weekends go, and what kind of trouble I can get into when I go lookin for it! (Hopefully I'll come back at you with another classic story for the happy-hour-ages!)

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QOTD
11.12.04 - "You have other husbands? Aww, c'mon Liz, I thought we had something special here." ~ Nate, on our "engagement."

11.13.04 - "Well, if I hear from you great, and if not then I guess it just wasn't meant to be." ~ The creep-mo Santana (in a recent voicemail message) who seems to think something is "meant to be" even though we've never gone out, and we only actually talked on the phone once... kinda scary. (And seriously, these boys wonder why I DON'T WANT to date them?)

A Simple List of Do's and Don'ts for Dating

• Do compliment your man or lady when it is deserved. Be wary of over-complimenting your mate being that they may begin to believe that they really are "the sexiest, smartest person in the the entire world" and will leave you for some prick named Chip or chick called Zoey.
• Don't drink Yeungling whilst on a date. While the Ling is a crisp full flavored American beer, which is sure to please, it WILL give you gas. This may not be a problem while you're awake, but nothing will send a date running faster than sleep farting. Breeeeeeeeeet.
• Do shower your lover with cheap meaningless gifts. If your girl has a thing for apple paraphernalia be prepaired to take full advantage. A set of bathroom towels with little apples on em will cost you 10 bucks but you will reap great reward (usually head). Added bonus: When she dumps your triflin ass her future BFs will be forced to think of you everytime they use her apple hand towels, apple frig magnets, apple door mat, apple oven mits, apple candy bowl, apple panties and apple bed sheets.
• Don't remember the names of her ex lovers. This is tough as she may mention them many times during the first few weeks of the relationship (i.e. "John always put the seat down" , "Barry loved to make me dinner" , "Rob always got it in the right hole"). By putting forth the effort to remember the names of these blowhards you're telling her that it's ok that she was with other men before you. It most certainly is not. FYI: An ex boyfriend is always just a drunken phone call away from being a flashback... single night of passion with an old lover aka a flashback.
• Do constantly touch her. Not to the level of humping her leg (though fun it may be) rather hold her hand, brush shoulders while walking, place a hand on thigh when driving, arm around waste and other such things. Do so makes her feel special... not that that matters, but it does make it much harder for her to get away. TIP: Beware of girls who are quick to initiate contact as these girls dont' want to run away... and will most likely give chase when you attempt to bolt.
• Don't tell her about the time you dreamed you were having sex with your grandfather. She won't understand..... you're wondering how I knew
  
• Do show her your vast collection of porn. Many will tell you this is not wise, but these people are cronic masturbaters. TIP: Copy, not move, your porn into folder named "Not Porn" on your desktop. When your girl is over your place show her the original folder with the original copies of your dirty picture shows and repeat this "I was lonely. I was searching for something, something I needed, but couldn't describe. I've found that with you. I need you. [pause] this is the past I won't return to" then suck it up and delete the original porn folder... this will be tough, but there's a backup. protect the backup. TIP #2: If you're without computer and forced to use DVD/VHS/Magazines don't fret. There's always one or two videos you've rewound to many times and a couple mags which you can't open without the jaws'0'life. Just let her throw those way... give her gloves before hand.
• Don't be honest. Women will tell you that they treasure honesty above all else. These are the same women who tell you size doesn't matter. Bullcrizzap. Look, Chica does not need to know that you once killed a rabbit because you were bored. Sexy does not need to know that you can convert grams to ounces in your head and she certainly doesn't need to know why you learned how. Baby does not need to know that you are immune to hemorroids due to the calluses you developed during that brief stay at the state pen. Just keep your mouth shut and nod, you fool.
  
• Do hit on her mother. Let's be honest, if the parents don't dig you you've got no chance. She will never choose you over daddy and the rents will spend hours a day just trying to ruin your not entirely bad name. Sooooooo hit on her mom!!! It's a safe bet dad hasn't been taxing it has much as he used to and mom has got an itch she needs a man to reach. Be there for her now and she'll back you up in the future. When your girl won't let you sleep with her stylist moms will be there to say "He's only asking because you aren't capable of fulfilling his needs. You've grown cold and bitter. You bitch" and once you've got moms on your side you're unstoppable.
  
• Don't think that I won't post more dating/relationship tips in the future

Love, Dave

For clarification, the IPOD thing is totally on the up & up... I checked it out. It's not a virus, and they're not trying to steal anybody's identity, All of the offers are done through the valid company websites and important information is encrypted. So, if you're so inclined, I'd still appreciate it, and if not, that's fine too, whatever. No pressure.

But if you're still worried about all that, then humor me by just joining the face book. (You don't get anything as a prize for doing it, but it's fun.) It's kind of like a giant rolodex.

Wow... look what I've turned my page into... I've sunk low enough to promote online gimmicks and whatnot... I suck at life. Forgive me.

It might just be my own personal misery talking for the time being, but yeah... I'll be out of this funk soon enough... I think.

I don't know why, but I feel that I should note that I went on a monochromatic fruit craze today. After work I went to the Mexi-mart and bought 4 different fruits, all yellowy-green in color. I got yellowy-green grapes (I coulda gotten purple ones and didn't,) I got yellowy-green apples (I coulda gotten red, or some other variety but didn't,) I got yellowy-green pears (I coulda gotten brown ones and didn't,) and I got yellowy-green bananas (pretty standard for bananas) ... even though I don't really like bananas. (Weird.) Actually, I'm trying to teach myself to like bananas. I like them on my cereal, but I don't eat cereal all that often, and when I do, I rarely if ever have a banana handy, so I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I ate a banana prior to today, but I had one today, so I'm on my way to banana-appreciation. (Side note: I don't know what my monochromatic fruit craze means, or why I suddenly had a desire to teach myself to like bananas, or if any of it means anything at all... if anyone has any insight into the matter, please let me know. I appreciate it!)

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QOTD
11.11.04 - "WOW, it smells like a library in here." ~ Teresa (For the record, this quote is only funny in context; so to make you aware, she was sniffing the inside of a drawer at work. *it's a lot funnier if you mentally picture her hunched over, sniffing the inside of a drawer as she says this to me... Well, at least I thought it was funny.)

I know it's too late for the election, but this game is still an amusing time-waster... and educational too. (I especially like the Howard Dean special move!) Try it out! Hey, where else can you defeat Bushie and his goons as Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, or an obese He-Man (among others)?

I'm trying to be like all my cool friends and own an ipod... but since I'm poor, I could use a little help from you, my loyal readers! (You can get a free one too!) Please PLEASE PLEASE just click this link, and apply for a credit card or something... (You can apply for the credit card and then just cancel it, or cut it up, or never use it!) And if you create an account, and convince one of your friends to do the same thing then you get a free one too!! And then we can be cool with our ipods together! (If you do this, I will love you forever! REALLY!)

If I expect my readers to keep reading, and people to pass on my page of pleasantries, I'm gonna have to snazz this bad boy up and get my act together. Seems a lot of people are waiting for me to get my act together, starting with my professors... but they'll have to wait too, won't they.

So forgive my funk and overlook my ornriness. I don't mean any of it... unless I don't like you, in which case I mean all of it!

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And can I just say that Pepsi "Holiday spice" thing seems like a HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, REPULSIVE idea... so if any of you other folks are brave enough to give it a whirl, let me know what you think.

Jennie got a mention in Jason's blog... this is a pretty big event... because Jason's blog is a much bigger deal than my own. So congrats are in order.

Also a happy b-day shoutout to Sorgatz. (Congrats on the big 22, man-hands!)

Also a shoutout to the women's hoop-stars because despite the loss, it was a hard-fought effort, and it was only an exhibition game, so it's good to get it out of the system now!

So. Today was lame. I was not well, and that made pretty much everything suck. And in addition to that suckage I haven't heard back from Dave yet, so I can't get started on his Christmas present like I'd hoped... (so yes, the good lord is going to smite you at my request David... because on the days that I'm not hell-bound I still carry a little leverage with the man upstairs.)

I'm not feeling well though, and I'm in a bad mood, so instead of being funny and loving you all, I'm going to leave you hanging and let that be the end of it.

And if you don't like it then you can just crap out a rhinoceros and fetch me a frisbee with a turtle and a duck on it... and when you're through with that then we'll talk.

Whenever I allow new people into my weird little world, (by telling them about the webpage,) I've repeatedly been asked if I'm a writer. The quick and dirty answer is no. No, I'm not a writer, unless this counts in some perverse way. (And for the record, I don't think it should count in any way, shape, or form.) The fact is that I've seen writing WAY the hell better than my own semi-coherent ramblings in this sort of set up, and I've seen many a blog that makes this page seem to be on par with a Shakespearian play or what have you. And honestly kids, we all know that I'm no Jesus- inking- the- first- copy- of- the- bible- on- banana- leaves- in- my- own- blood- here... Unless we see a major spike in visitor traffic here and my blog becomes the bible of drunk college kids everywhere. (Man that's a scary thought.) And if that's the case then I better get rid of that dead body in my trunk in a hurry, because I don't think that would reflect very kindly on me when I attain sainthood for inventing rocket skates totally powered by moldy noodles and apple cores... (But keep that whole body thing on the DL)

But seriously folks, sometimes mother nature gives you a Cosby sweater with pink and purple sleeves, and sometimes she just kicks you in the shins and runs away. (For the love of god don't ask where that came from, I'd be unable to tell you.)

But, in the immortal words of Dan Connor "The only things you have to say you're going to do are the things that you have no intention of doing." And he ain't talkin no jive.

Basically, I've talked in complete gibberish for the extent of this entry because life is boring at the moment and I have nothing else to tell you... As Flava Flav once said, "Mackadocious!"

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QOTD (Sorgatz and I were having an argument over which of us was the bigger asshole earlier in the evening... I think I won.)
11.10.04 -
Alana: "Aww, Sorgatz... aside from your man-hands, I think you're absolutely perfect!"
Ben: "Sorgatz, if it makes you feel any better I don't think you have man-hands."
Liz: "Yeah, and Sorgatz, and if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're perfect!"

I drink too much on weeknights. This much we know. I keep doing this nonsense to myself, and I just don't even care anymore.

I should note that there was a lot of writing that went on recently. Please note that in addition to the "hot 100" there's also an article on Jesus, some rantings on herpes commercials, and a post about my thursday night out... I hope you've taken the time to read all of this nonsense, and if you haven't read it yet, then you can feel free to skip the rest and just read the bit about Jesus, that's where the real comedy is. The rest of the stuff is only important for you to read if you love me and don't want to hurt my feelings.

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QOTD
11.8.04 - "Hey, I'm a flapper!" ~ Heather Sorgatz

11.9.04 -
Liz: "What's the password?"
Tiggles, AKA Lindsay Lohan: "Umm, BACON!"

I was looking at other people's blogs, and I happend across one blog where someone decided to post "100 things about me" and I was intrigued by the concept. It wasn't like she was responding to other people's questions or anything, it was more of a stream-of-consciousness king of thing, and so I've decided to give this a try. Here goes nothin'!

1. There is a part of me that really enjoys watching some infomercials and the shop at home network on tv at 3 AM... I don't know why.
2. With regards to my infomercial as a "guilty pleasure" I've never ordered anything I've watched an infomercial for.
3. Tony Little (that guy who tries to sell "The Gazelle") and Anthony Robbins (the guy who does life affirmation and reformation tapes) both terrify me and I refuse to watch any of their infomercials.
4. I am a sports junkie.
5. I name inanimate objects, such as stuffed animals, plants, etc.
6. My favorite beer is Guinness Extra Stout, but I can never find it anywhere... and this upsets me.
7. I love to paint, but I hate acrylics.
8. I came into college knowing that I wanted to pursue my interest in art, but since I know it's a real bitch trying to make a living as an artist I was too chicken shit to major in a fine arts degree.
9. Unlike many girls I don't have a problem killing bugs, there are two exceptions to this: Cockroaches and the creepy crawlies that lived in my last apartment... they freak me out A LOT.
10. I have a tendency to be brutally honest with just about everyone I meet.
11. I don't eat beef... I'll eat any other meat, but no beef, and I haven't eaten beef in over 5 years.
12. Living by a burger king recently caused me to have a major craving for a hamburger... I had a turkey burger, and that was good enough.
13. I have a tendency to develop crushes on unavailable and unattainable men around me... despite knowing this, I continue to do it time after time.
14. I love taking showers when highly intoxicated... I know that for many reasons this is a dangerous habit, but it's not one I plan on stopping.
15. I have always gone to Catholic school. (even now in college)
16. When I was in middle school I was on the speech team, and I competed in the original oratory category, and I still remember every word of the opening paragraphs of all the speeches I ever gave.
17. The best compliment I ever got was given to me in the form of magnetic poetry. It read quite simply, "You shimmer."
18. I love getting mail.
19. I once had a pen-pal in France, her name was Letitia Stalin, I only ever got one letter from her.
20. I have short, fat fingers, and I'm ok with that.
21. The last movie I saw in the theater was Garden State, and I loved it!
22. The only movie in my collection that I regret buying has to be Monster's Ball... I just really don't like this movie.
23. I went to Europe the summer after my senior year of high school, and my favorite European city has to be Florence, Italy.
24. I once dated a Scottish boy, and I still miss him.
25. Dating my Scottish boy has absoutely ruined any chance of me enjoying my friends' attempts at faking the accent...
26. I thank the good lord almost every day for caller ID.
27. My favorite color is cobalt blue, but I decorate more with soft greens.
28. I still remember the combination to my locker in the fifth grade. (Locker 14, combo: 2- 15- 28)
29. I have an addiction to driving. This is why when I go home, I drive as much as possible.
30. When I drive I love to speed.
31. One semester of my college education costs more than my oldest sister's entire 4 year degree... I guess that's why I'm paying for it.
32. I have never purchased a scratch-off lottery ticket.
33. I find that when I'm really ill, (ill to the extent of having body aches and fever, etc.) I feel a lot better if I just lay on the kitchen floor.
34. Calla lilies are my favorite flower.
35. I have a problem seriously saying no to people despite the fact that I can say no to someone sarcastically with great ease.
36. When I was a little kid I was mad at my brother for some reason, so I gave him a dead fly and told him it was a raisin... he definitely ate it, and I don't think I ever mentioned that to him.
37. I have never taken my academic growth seriously.
38. My two favorite books are White Oleander by Janet Fitch and The End of the Affair by Graham Greene.
39. My friend Joyce got me hooked on a Hawaiian treat called "Mele-kaliki-macs" and every year she says she'll send me some for Christmas, and she never does, and that always bothers me.
40. My friend and former-roommate Kirsten and I have the best idea ever for a reality show, even though reality shows are the most detestable form of television entertainment, I'd still do this one if the idea ever got picked up.
41. I love crime-related shows, like Law & Order, Cold Case Files, Forensic Files, City Confidential, etc.
42. I once dated a boy who was bitten by a shark and was also blind in one eye. And when we were "on a break" he was shamelessy flirting with another girl in front of me, so I made out with his best friend. (This is the most regrettable thing I've ever done in a relationship)
43. I hate it when people ask me what my favorite movie is, because so many movies are so good in so many different ways I can never pick just one.
44. I love a good cup of coffee, but I hate tea.
45. I can honestly say that I don't remember my dad attending any sporting event I've ever participated in.
46. I love Christmas time, but I really hate cold weather. (Which is of course why I moved to Chicago)
47. I never missed a men's soccer home game in my 4 years of college undergrad.
48. People I've never met quite frequently tell me they think they've seen me somewhere, or that I look very familiar.
49. My favorite old TV show has to be Welcome Back Kotter.
50. I hate running. Unless I am running to save my own life, or to catch a train, or a bus, etc, I do not run. Pretty much any other form of exercise is acceptable.
51. I have never been to Las Vegas, but I really want to go.
52. When I was a little kid, my favorite toy in the toy box at my grandparents' house was a kind of a sock-puppet- baby named Naybob.
53. When I was little we lived in a house on a hill and we used to roll down the hill in refrigerator boxes... I have a feeling that head trauma suffered while doing this is responsible for certain problems with my current mental state.
54. I really hate that pins-and-needles sensation I get when my foot falls asleep.
55. I love naps.
56. I love singing aloud when I'm alone, but I never sing in front of people.
57. I love to go camping and be outdoors.
58. I don't mind baiting my own hook when I go fishing.
59. I wear perfume almost every day because I worry that I smell bad, despite daily showers and otherwise good hygiene.
60. I have trouble sleeping when I don't have my body pillow to "cuddle"
61. Recently I've gone on a kick of eating sushi from one of the campus dining facilities, on a near-daily basis... it's not the best sushi I've ever had by any means, but it does the trick.
62. I talk to my mom every day, (most days we talk multiple times) but I don't talk to other members of my family nearly as much as I should.
63. Thin mints are BY FAR my favorite girl scout cookie.
64. I am definitely a dog person.
65. Despite being a "people person" I find that I'm pretty irritated by people in general... (just the stupid ones really, but since they comprise such a large majority of the population...)
66. I still remember burying my first dog Snuggles after she was hit by a car.
67. I love the Golden Girls, and I have repeatedly been likened to Sophia.
68. At 22 years old, I can honestly say that I've never seen a porn.
69. While I had my first alcoholic beverage at a much younger age, I didn't ever get drunk until I was 16 and attending the annual family reunion.
70. If I were to ever amass a wealth beyond what I could spend on a "comfortable life" for myself and my family I would have no problem giving every extra dollar to charity.
71. I despise the Olsen twins.
72. I played the piano and the french horn... but I wish I'd learned to play guitar.
73. I still bite my nails.
74. I have never broken a bone in my own body, although I have broken bones in other people.
75. I have been in a bar fight.
76. I sometimes lie to people about really unimportant things, such as saying I've seen a movie I haven't really seen.
77. I love the sound of breaking glass.
78. Whenever I use a good permanent marker, I still like to sniff it.
79. I don't like it when most people touch my face... (There are exceptions though)
80. I am bothered when people consistently use poor grammar and/or spelling.
81. I have gotten kicked out of Office Depot for having rolly-chair races.
82. Cows kind of scare me.
83. I hate my nose.
84. I hate it when people talk on their phones in restaraunts.
85. I collect sea glass.
86. I really dislike talking on the phone to most people (there are some exceptions though)
87. I worry a lot that I'm very misunderstood by a lot of people.
88. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.
89. I think that going to war for religion is just a a grand-scale version of fighting over who has the better imaginary friend.
90. I am a total nerd at heart.
91. I love roller coasters and carnival rides.
92. I don't think I can dance.
93. I am very stubborn.
94. I have been firecely independent for as long as I or anyone else can remember.
95. I often think about who I would cast to play people I know if ever my life were to be made into a movie.
96. I wear a toe ring, and I haven't taken it off for more than a few minutes in over 6 years.
97. I am amused by the failures of people I don't like... and that probably makes me a bad person.
98. I feel naked if I don't have jewelry on.
99. I worry when I show my art to people that they are only saying that they like it because I'm standing there, acting proud of it.
100. I think I am my own best source of entertainment, because I know I laugh at myself at least as much as I laugh at everyone else combined.

(And just for the record, this entry was way harder to complete than I thought it would be... seriously, even if you can't post here anymore, give it a try, see if you can come up with 100 things, I think you'll be suprised how long it might take you.)

I totally didn't write any of the following, but it amused me so much that I just had to share it with the rest of you, and the best way to ensure that is to post it here:

After watching the History Channel for the last 40 straight hours I was shocked and dismayed by all of the inaccuracies they portrayed on their programming. If there’s one thing I know, and know well it’s history, since I’ve made so much it myself. When I ditched that Cadillac full of dead hookers into the Grand Canyon it was probably the single most defining moment in all of history. But since all of you ignorant louts have been corrupted by “school” and these new fangled “news papers” I’m going to have to start from the beginning.

There might be some “quack” professors out there that will disagree with me on some of the historical facts I’m going to be chucking at you, but I believe you deserve to know the truth. And anyone that disagrees with me should be stuffed full of flaming carpet samples and hurled into a crevice.

Despite what your educators have told you, history began when Jesus first came squirting into the world. Before that people just sat around, lived in burrows, threw sticks at each other and got eaten by dinosaurs. Jesus changed all of that; first he killed all of the dinosaurs by writing the bible. He simply didn’t like the dinosaur’s attitude. The bible was a very important accomplishment for Jesus. When he wrote it he was in a Vietnamese POW camp and had to ink the first copy on Banana leaves using his own blood. Even through the adversity of being imprisoned in a bamboo tiger cage Jesus was able to finish his book, which he wrote in his native language Traditional Chinese.

The Bible was used for a lot more than just its dinosaur slaying properties. It contained the blueprints that would later allow the Canadians to build the Pyramids in Egypt and also contained many words that are used today in many prime time sitcoms such as “too” and “how”. But as incredible as it may seem that dirty smelly hippy did even more incredible things.

After Jesus grew sick of eating rice and spider eggs everyday in the POW camp he managed to somehow escape, possibly by using magic. Jesus then began to travel the world. Along the way he attracted groupies that would follow him around. Back then groupies were called disciples. Of these disciples he chose twelve to become his roadies. Back in the 1200’s roadies were called apothecaries or something of that nature.

Now that Jesus had his following of minions they started on their world tour. They didn’t have cars trains or tricycles back in the 1570’s so they had to walk everywhere they wanted to go. They visited numerous exotic locations and islands where Jesus would perform miracles or just carve his initials into indigenous trees or people. To fund their journeys they would sell various trinkets and gypsy charms they made along the way such as bead necklaces and Girls Gone Wild videos.

As Jesus and his band of merry men traveled across the country side he began to attract more and more followers by pulling miracles out of his hat, sleeve or pants. Once, while he was in Bolivia he came across an old woman that may or may not have been blind. With a wave of his hand and the chanting of the words, “GET YOUR VISION ON!” Jesus miraculously restored the woman’s sight just like the son of god might have done.

Another miraculous miracle type thing Jesus did in some place of no real importance was walking across water. There is a lot of speculation about this particular miracle. Some say that Jesus actually walked across a creek and nearly drown and then was saved and nursed back to health by wood elves. Those kind of people are jackasses and should be castrated and hung in a systematic fashion and then shot in an entirely unsystematic fashion. He was nursed back to health by pixies, and that’s the bottom line truth.

Once Jesus and his posse were travailing across the Oregon Trail when they found themselves in a predicament; they were running dangerously low on food. With only 12 loaves of bread to spread among hundreds of his cult followers he weaved his mystic powers once again and divided the bread among them equally. They also ate all the children under the age of seven, but no one complained that they were still hungry. It may have also had something to do with Jesus walking around and saying, “EAT THIS AND BE HAPPY WITH IT OR I WILL STAB YOU IN THE GOD DAMN FACE”. Then he began slapping people around a bit for no real reason.

One of Jesus’s final miracles was curing the leopards. Leopards had been carries of the Bubonic Plague for a great number of years prior to the 1492’s. Even though his quest typically resulted in frequent maulings that left him permanently scared and the chest, back, arms, legs and face Jesus was not deterred. He eventually managed to vaccinate each and every leopard at the Bangkok zoo.

Not everyone loved Jesus though, the Mongolians, who ruled much of Europe in 834 AD saw Jesus as a threat to their paganistic Hindu ways. They captured Jesus with the help of one of Jesus right hand cronies and made him walk the obscenely long distance from the Middle East to another area in the Middle East all the while carrying a big wooden X. Hanging people on X’s was the preferred method of execution at that time because Confucius hadn’t invented the electric chair yet. They nailed Jesus to the X using nails and then stabbed him with a stick that was shaped like a spear.

Jesus eventually died on the X and the Mongolians buried him deep within the Great Pyramid and blocked the entrance with a large boulder and then sealed it with silicone caulk. Something as trivial as death didn’t stop Jesus though. He was one rough tough SOB. He picked that boulder right up and hurled it right into space, thus creating the moon.

And that is why Jesus is the President.

Do you want to know what has been bothering me lately? Herpes commercials. I strongly suspect that herpes commercials are contributing strongly to my recent insanity. Think about it... the commercial always features some suspiciously hot looking chick describing about how excellent her life is now that she has starting taking these pills. In between her narrative, you see shots of her enjoying life with some guy who is probably going to wake up with one scaly dick. They go scuba diving together, they horseback ride, they greet friends to their backyard barbecue parties... and during all of this, the man has his arm casually slung over her shoulder and he’s grinning like he just got the prize fish of the pond.

Does anyone else have the mad urge to throw aside their remote control, get up and scream at the television, “GET AWAY FROM HER, MAN! SHE HAS HERPES!”

What a sneaky-ass disease-ridden whore. Here’s a hint gentlemen: If she’s hot and she’s constantly describing her life as ‘vibrant,’ then she’s probably burning.

Ok, kids, enough with the partisan politics...
There's a time and a place for it, and this ain't it. You know what? I didn't vote for Bush either, but similar to the republicans who did re-elect Dubya, I am tired of listening to all everybody else bitch about it... we've got four years to make it through here, so lets not go blowing our wad all in the first week. Just take it down a notch or two, eh? Like I said before, I voted for the other- other guy too, and I'm just going to leave it at that for the time being.

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So last night I had my cursory drunken weeknight, (we all know how these turn out... no shocker) Last night was another exercise in senioritis extravagance and liver abuse. We started off with a little pregaming here at the ol' 1230, and then met up with Benny at Cullen's. We had a round, and since Guinness was introducing their oldest beer to the states we got a free black & tan, and we got to keep the fabulous Guinness pint glasses! [Oh, and by the way, if you have a chance to try Smithwick's (pronounced Smitt-icks) do it, it's some good stuff!] So from there we moved on to Nick's uptown (I took the chance that Santana was not working because I REALLY wanted to make out with someone and there's no better place to find someone for a quick and easy makeout than at Nick's) (For those of you not in the know, a quick side note; the night I fell and hurt my hand Santana hit on me, and since I was too drunk to think up a suitable fake number he somehow got my real number... and ever since then he has been WAAAAY too friendly with my voicemail because I don't answer when he calls.) So after we'd been there a few minutes I asked the bartender if Santana was working and we'd just managed to successfully avoid him, or if he had the night off, or what, and the bartender gave me some fabulous news. Santana got the axe. (Yes I rejoice in his misfortune, because this means I get my "desperately need a good makeout with no further attachment after-hours" bar back!) Apparently I wasn't the only chick he was a little too friendly with, and a couple other women lodged complaints with the powers that be, and life is good again! So after I was talking up this guy for a while his friends all wanted to leave, and I got no make out... so the drought continues. Such is life. After Nick's we headed to IHOP, where we shared our waiter (I think his name was Schwinn... like the bike, although that wasn't how he spelled it) with a table or two of cross dressers. They were having a FABULOUS time at the ol' IHOP. Good times. We came home, Jen went almost directly to bed because she knew she'd hate herself in about three hours when she had to get up for work. And I of course took a drunken shower. It was grand!

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QOTD - (Sorry, I've neglected you lately!)
11.4.04 - "You know, they say that there's an ideal wine for chicken and an ideal wine for pork, but I think this might be the ideal wine for poopin!" ~Jen.

11.5.04 - "Aww, Liz, look, your pancakes have menstruated all over the table!" ~Ben & Jen

11.6.04 - "Liz, it's been two weeks, and still nothing. I've never had to work so hard at this... I even did the whole romantic day thing... it's killin' me!"

11.7.04 - (The boys rented the Brit-action-comedy Snatch)
Mark: "You got Snatch? I like Snatch!"
Erik: "Yeah Mark, we know."

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I talked to Dave about his christmas present, and I honestly don't think I've ever heard him sound so excited about anything! He's fabulous... even though he's still fired.

A quick note... I voted for Kerry and I'm glad he lost. This is the first time in my life I can use the "Hey, I voted for the other guy" excuse and I plan to. Often. Much too often.

Things are going great with Karen! We're getting very close, finding we've a lot in common. I haven't felt this way about a girl since I was 19 (well except for Liz, but that's been on going for a couple years now... i've become akin to it) It's amazing. Now we're less than two months away from her move to N.J. and I'm starting to feel the heat. Well I'm not all that worried about it, being that its a good bet I'll find a way to fuck it up and drive her away long before 12/23.

For those counting it is now day 15 since she first spent the night. Still no sex. This is record of mine that won't soon be broken... damn. Good news though, cold showers are a refreshing way to start the day.

Sorry I missed your call lastnight Love, I left the phone in the car... I've been wanting to talk to you anyway so expect a call from me when I get outta work this afternoon.

Last weekend I went up to NYC for Halloween... a friend thought it funny to dress up as Johnny Damon. I'll miss him dearly :-(

I got to stay! That right there calls for a reason to post. I'd like to admit my life is as boring as can be right now, so posting would be pointless as for the fact I have nothing interesting to talk about. Let's see....the work week is almost over, thank god. I have no real plans for the weekend but I'm cool with that as I need some R&R time I guess. I could use with a good night out on the town maybe...I mean you might be able to twist my arm and get me to do something... Right. Ok...back to work, but i felt loved for still having privy to post. xooxoxx hugs, but not the kind where the sketchy guy hugs you soo tight and extra long just to get a cheap feel....

To all those navel-gazers out there!

I've made an administrative decision. I've revoked the priveleges of my non-contributing contributors. (This means C-Murda, Alana, Kirsten, Beth, Kim, and LuRK are no longer able to post anything on here even if they wanted to! ...Not that they ever did before though) If they want their spots back, they're going to have to prove it to me. So for now, it's down to me, Dave, and Jennifer.

Have a nice day.

WAY-O WAY-O, WAAAAAYYYY-O WAY-O! Walk like an Egyptian!

I want an Aidan... For those of you who don't know, I'm referring to Aidan Shaw, the character played by John Corbett in Sex and the City. He doesn't have to look like John Corbett, although that would be a bonus because he's kinda hot. But anyway, he's earthy and sweet, and that's all I really want! A sweet, earthy, all-american boy, either that or a boy who will sing to me... not so much to ask? Is it? Apparently it is. (Gentlemen, please take notes... if you need further information, please refer to roughly the fourth season of Sex and the City.) I'm going to stop whining about my man-less-ness now, before it sends me into the throes of a deep depression. This is only worsened by people I know having up away messages like this "Sometimes I wish that I had married the first guy who proposed to me... or at least taken him up on his offer to protect me from the world. I still love that kid." Now I've had a couple of pseudo-proposals... the kind given when a boy first tries my home made chocolate chip cookies the first time, or something of that nature... but nothing that ever stuck... Wait, I thought I said I wasn't talking about this anymore...

Yeah, so I went to work today, and since the Black Eyed Peas were playing a show on campus, they had taken over the gym as their personal lair until showtime. Actually, I should be more specific. They were slated to go on stage at 9:30, the venue doors were slated to open at 7, and they didn't even show up to the gym /"dressing room" area /my place of business until roughly 7:10... so it was actually the C.L.U.B. Nazis who took over the gym... and one girl tried to give me the glare when I was roasting on them for freaking out about ice and placing directional signs no further than 7 feet apart. (She obviously had NO idea who she was dealing with, since I invented the glare, and I practically live at the facility she was conveniently taking over for the night.) And apparently those people who escort the Black Eyed Peas everywhere they go are going to get lost if there's not another sign directing them to the stage or dressing room within a 5 foot radius. (Or if there is no ice... Teresa knows where I'm going with this, so I apologize to the rest of you if you're feeling left out.)

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... And I was totally serious about those 8 things I want to do before I die.

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Side note: We all know that Murda did it right, and SOMEONE else didn't... and that is totally horseshit! There is something to be said for holding EVERYONE to the same standards.

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Small rant: I had a plant that my mom gave me last year when I first moved out on my own... and since it wasn't getting enough sunshine in my apartment, I moved it out to the back just outside my back door... and some bitchass stole it today! SON OF A BITCH! They stole King Roy! (Who does that?)

Super Big Shoutout!!!
Congratulations to C-Murda!!!
You finally made your mile punkin!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

It's 12:33 in the AM on November 3, and let's just say things ain't lookin good for JK. I try to keep theses posts non-partisan, and today will be no exception. (I'm not saying I'm glad or sad JK is trailing, or that I'm glad or sad Bush is winning... I never liked either one of these characters.) At no point have I advocated for anyone to follow me and vote as I vote. I've never endorsed either of the 2 realistic candidates, and I don't expect any rational person to allow my nonsensical musings to in any way dictate or influence how they should vote. I just advocate that you should vote. I don't care what race, religion, orientation, party, or whatever you are, I merely desire that you be a good citizen, do your civic duty, educate yourself, and vote for the candidate who you think best serves your interests.

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There are a few simple things I'd like to do before I die:

1) Get pissed off and throw a drink in someone's face.
2) Get pissed off and bitch slap someone.
3) Get pissed off and throw something made of glass against a wall, causing the glass item to break.
4) Ride a horse on the beach.
5) Do some kind of charity work in a third world country.
6) Have kids.
7) Sell at least one piece of my art to someone outside my family or circle of friends.
8) Slow dance on a rooftop.

(I hope you are all taking notes.)

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How's about a little lighthearted entertainment... starring kitties!

And this is for all you S.O.B.s on Atkins!

And this is for all you penguin haters out there! (Addictive!) (My record is 1112)

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QOTD
11.3.04 -
Shaun: "I don't remember much about the end of the night, I do remember going into a convenience store and putting 5 slim jims on my debit card... and when I got home I was drunkenly bouncing off my walls as I headed in to go to bed"
Heather: "You need to watch what you say around her, it'll end up being quote of the day."
Shaun: "I don't care, as long as my name isn't on it!"

(Sorry, Shaun, your name is on it.)

I am usually not one to do these, especially when they show up in e-mails, but I got a comment today from Kippy, (a girl who I've not talked to in entirely too long) and so I wanted to show some reciprocation *i.e.- Yeah, I read other people's pages too!

Plus I'm really bored because it's not pretty outside. (Welcome to the beginning of winter in Chicago, I know.) And since I've noticed a small spike in the number of people checking in on me, I figured I might as well offer up some background for the newbies.

[ BASIC ]
1. Known as: Liz, Lizzle, Liza, Eliza, Jiz, Lizard, Crazy, and Beth (Only to those who have known me for a LONG time, and even then, I take exception to it.)
2. Lives in: Chicago IL
3. Birthday: October 11
4. School: Loyola University Chicago
5. Ethnicity: I'm a white girl. (mostly German & Irish)
6. Religion: Catholic.
7. Shoe size: 8
8. Hair color: Auburn (Apparently magical auburn)
9. Eye color: green
10. Style: Casual/comfortable/ original
11. Fears: 1) That I really will be banished to hell for all the terrible things I say and do. 2) Being on my deathbead and feeling like I've lived and unfulfilling life. 3) Anything bad happening to my friends and loved ones and me being unable to help.

[ HAVE YOU EVER ]
12. Fallen off your bed? Yep. Alcohol was involved on more than one occasion.
13. Broken someone`s heart? I can't attest to that. (And if I did it wasn't deliberate)
14. Had your heart broken? Yep.
15. Had a dream come true? Yep.
16. Done something you regret? Nope. (Aside from all those things that have me hellbound... but I'm not stopping any of that, so I guess I don't really regret them, do I)
17. Cheated on a test? Yep. (Though never anything important, I believe in doing the important things on my own merit)

[ CURRENTLY ]
18. Wearing? Guinness shirt and adidas shorts.
19. Listening to? "This time" by Graham Colton
20. Located? On the Jesus bed! (Are ya jealous?)
21. What are you doing? Answering these damn questions, and listening to Graham Colton, Jeez, I thought we covered this already.
22. Should REALLY be doing? Probably reading some nonsense for one of my bulshit classes
23. Brush your teeth? Yep. I did it when I got up this morning, and again after lunch.
24. Like anybody? At the moment, not actively, no.
25. Have any piercing? Just one hole in each ear.
26. Drink? Do you really have to ask?? I mean HAPPY HOUR is in the title of the page.
28. Smoke? No.
29. Got a pager? Who has a pager in this day and age? Honestly... get a cell phone like me!

[ FRIENDS ]
30. Who is your best friend? Alana. (Though several others rank very close to the top.)
31. Who do I hate? Fake people (There are a couple of people in particular, but I'm not gonna be that bitch to out them by name.)
32. Who is the shyest? I don't really hang out with many shy people, but I'd have to say C-Murda has the most shy moments.
33. Who is the most talkative? Jennie, or Alana... depends on the situation.
34. Who is the craziest? Alana.
35. Who laughs the most? We ALL laugh A LOT.
36. Who have you known the longest? Shannon.
37. Who have you known the shortest? Teresa... or Nate. (Depends on criteria really)
38. Who do you miss the most? Griggs & Taryn
39. Do you hang out with the opposite sex? Frequently... I'm a real "Guy's girl."
40. Do you trust your friends? Why else would I be friends with them?
41. Are you a good friend? You'd have to ask my friends, but I think so.

[ THE LAST PERSON ]
42. Hugged? Nate.
43. Kissed? Uhh... I prefer not to answer that... (And wow it's been entirely too long since I've had a decent kiss!)
44. IMed? Jen
45. Talked on the phone: My mom last night before bed.
46. Yelled at? Shaun, (I wasn't mad or anything, he was just far away.)
47. Fell in love with? Genuinely in love with? ...Probably Marcus.

[ PERSONAL ]
48. What do you want to be when you grow up? Ideally an artist, realistically a sports psychologist.
49. What comes first in your life? Mom. No doubt.
50. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? None of the above at the moment. HMMM.
51. Crushes? None.
52. What do you usually think about before you go to bed? "Do I really have to get up and go to class in the morning?
53. Did you lose someone you really loved? I have.
54. How many times have you fallen deeply in love? Twice.
55. Love your family? Immensely.
56. Love your friends? Immensely. (My friends are adopted extentions of my family.)

[ FAVORITE ]
57. Movie: Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window
58. Song: Amalia Rodrigues - Cancao Do Mar - it's in Portuguese... But I love it.
59. Store: J. Crew
60. Relative: Momma. No contest.
61. Sport: I like them all, but baseball's gotta be the fave.
62. Ice Cream Flavor: G.D. Ritzy's Chunky Dory Fudge!!
63. Fruit: Strawberries, cherries and green apples.
64. Candy: Jolly Rancher suckers, Starburst jellybeans, White Rabbit, or Caramello (depends on what you're in the mood for)
65. Holiday: Christmas.
66. Day of the Week: Saturday.
67. Time: Night (after 10 PM.)
68. Color: Cobalt blue
69. Name for a Girl: Grace, Kate, Amanda, Anne
70. Name for a Boy: Ethan, Gabriel, Aaron, Reid, James

[ DO YOU ]
71. Like to give hugs? Yep, I'm a hugger.
72. Like to give kisses? Yep.
73. Like to walk in the rain? Yep.
74. Prefer black or blue pens? Whatever is handy.
75. Like to travel? Yes indeed!
76. Sleep on your side, tummy or back? Tummy or side.
77. Think you're attractive? I'm capable of being attractive. (We all have our off days though)
78. Ever have the falling dream? Once
79. Have stuffed animals? A frog, a duck, a bear, and an octopus.
80. What do you think of the person that did this before you? Kippy is swell, though it's been quite some time since we've really talked.


Damn that was a lot of questions.