Let's do the booby dance!

Let's chat about a really strange headline for a moment...

Please take a minute to read AT LEAST the headline of this article... The rest of the article is optional, but the headline should be enough to at least draw you in on a decent "WTF?!? factor"

Here it is!

While I am curious how exactly this transpired, I am exponentially more curious about what Pat Robertson has to say on the matter. I mean I know where he's going to stand on the topic in general, but I really want to hear the Pat Robertson soundbite associated with story.

It's over, and it begins!

So the most ridiculous March Madness tournament in recent memory is over... And with it begins spring and my official start on endeavors in fixing up this ridiculous house.

Springtime means more than just working out in the flower beds and mowing the lawn. (Fun work by comparison!) It also means going through all the knick-knacks in this whole house, clearing out the closets and getting serious about what stays and what gets put out in a yard sale. Of course, when you move into a home owned by a previous generation of family, putting anything in a yard sale means consulting the rest of the family with a rather sizable inventory of items to see if anyone wants anything prior to the big sale. It gets rather convoluted and ridiculous to say the least. The basement has yet to be touched in any really productive regard... It has been consolidated into a relatively small area, (which is to say it has been boxed up and stacked in a rather ridiculous fashion in a lesser area of the basement instead of being spread more thinly across the basement as a whole... Of course, consulting everyone else in the family on this stuff means unpacking the ridiculous boxes to inventory so that everyone else can see what there is to see and going from there).
You see what I mean when I say that this gets convoluted?

It keeps me busy when I have an otherwise idle moment, and I keep telling myself that the worst of this process only has to be done once. Unfortunately, doing it once is MORE than enough.

I am hoping that the giant yard sale generates enough cash that I can spend the proceeds on replastering the kitchen and breakfast room... If there is anything left after that, the kitchen floor NEEDS replacing, and that's not going to be cheap... Especially if it is done right, (in proper tile,) as opposed to just a temporary fix in the form of a cheap sheet of textured vinyl like what is in there now. (I really don't think that we're going to generate that kind of cash, but hey, a girl can dream!)

So, sorry if you feel neglected. I am hoping things will calm down soon! I have no timeline on any of this because I have learned that the minute that I think I've almost finished with a project I discover a new curveball bearing down on me... It's a process. I admit to playing it by ear and learning as I go, but I think I've got a pretty good handle on what needs to happen.

Nicknames

Several months ago, I was chatting with my BFF, The Admiral, about some things and the topic of nicknames came up. We talked about how she had maintained her moniker over the years, and dearly loved the title, and as the conversation progressed, we realized that neither of us could recall the reasoning for her being deemed "The Admiral" but no matter what, we knew that it didn't really matter anymore.

In recent months, The Admiral has found herself in a family way. To put it bluntly, she got herself all knocked up, and we here at the Happy Hour couldn't be happier for her.

So she and I were having a chat over the weekend and I decided that despite her changing family situation, rather than adopting a new, more maternal nickname or title, she would be allowed to maintain her current nickname. The reason for this being that as a mother and breadwinner, she would be the commander of her familial fleet. This reasoning was met with approval.

I further noted that since I had not been assigned a real nickname over the course of our friendship that I was taking matters into my own hands and appropriating a moniker of my own.

Generally speaking, I frown on the concept of self-assigned nicknames. They seldom have the genuine resonance to catch on the way you want them to, and often if they manage to catch, they wind up getting all twisted around and misused. So I ran it by her first. I wanted an official sign-off from The Admiral stating that she was on board before I made anything official.

Seeing as she has managed to grow up, get married, and start herself a little family, while I have managed to avoid most of the trappings of genuine adulthood, I selected, "The Artful Dodger" as my new title. It has further roots in my artistic pursuits, and that other aspects of my life are somewhat Dickensian in nature. It really is quite fitting. (And The Admiral agrees.)

So, with that, I became The Artful Dodger... And I invite you to give me any thoughts you might have on the matter.

Shot all to hell...

Let's get right to it. I LOVE March Madness. Every year I spend my winter Saturdays watching men's college basketball because I love it, and as I watch I hope, (though often mistakenly,) that the games I watched will provide some relevant insight when March rolls around... In the end, the games I watch don't matter. They never matter come March. I know that... And I still love it.

This year, the teams invited to the big dance have provided me with some SERIOUS entertainment. I mean we've had more nail-biter outcomes, ridiculous upsets, and just-squeak-by games in this tournament than any in recent memory. Sure my bracket has been shot all to hell, but let's be honest for a minute, with this year's final four lineup, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE'S! And since we're all up shit creek together, let's all just hug it out and acknowledge that even though we would have been better off burning that money we threw into the friendly tournament pool, but if nothing else, we have watched some SERIOUS basketball this year!

I mean sure, I still have BIG problems with the play-in system that they implemented this year, and I know I'm not the only one. And I am even more bothered by the fact that by making the final four, VCU is lending validation to the misguided system. But no matter what, all of the 68 teams came to play! (Except maybe Tennessee, but that is a whole other speculative matter.)

I know I'm not breaking any shocking news, but let's face facts here. This March has been full of surprises and even though my bracket looks like it belongs to someone who entered a pool despite never having watched a single game of basketball in their entire life, and who picked their winners based on something irrelevant like "better mascot" or "more appealing team colors" it must be said that I wouldn't have it any other way!

Man, I love this stuff!

In case you forgot...

I find it rather important to remind people from time to time just exactly how awesome I am.

Today I just got a somewhat more awesome. (Admittedly, I even amazed myself a little bit on this particular occasion!)

First, some back story.

A year and a half ago I was having some car trouble. My air conditioner stopped working just as summer was transitioning to fall... Seems easy enough to cope with, you say, the season is about to change, just roll down the windows when it gets hot... Yeah, but the master switch that controlled all the windows had been wonky bordering on non-functional for roughly 6 months prior to that. Incidentally, the air conditioner decided to crap out for real about 2 hours into a 6 hour road trip... in the middle of the day... in August. So basically it was really frickin' hot out, the A/C had just died, and I couldn't roll my windows down, and I had 4 hours left in my trip. UGH.

Not knowing where to go for a quick fix while out on the road, I struggled through the remaining 4 hours, sweating my ass off the whole way. Upon getting home, I figured it was time to replace the window switch at the very least. Being a thrifty gal, I went to the internet, did a little homework saw that it was an easy fix involving a little more than a screwdriver and a replacement switch, so I figured I could do it myself. I then ventured to the auto parts store got the part I needed and I changed it out. That was too easy to warrant mentioning. But fixing the A/C was a little more involved... I was due for an oil change so I went to the pros... Mind you, changing the oil is easy too, but since I had other issues, I figured the pros could diagnose it while they were already under the hood.

They looked at it, told me what was up, and so I know what's wrong with it, but I never did anything about it because I prefer to roll with the windows down anyway.

Skip forward in time about a week. (Still roughly 18 months ago.) I start hearing a rattling sound. Crap...

So I take it back to the pros attempting to pass the buck onto them saying, "I was just here, now I've got an unsettling rattle going on here... WTF?"

They took a complimentary look, to appease me, (and to cover their asses,) and 45 minutes later, told me that I had a bad engine mount.

"Yep, your engine mount is bad."

"Engine mount? As in, the thing that holds the motor part of my motor vehicle in the place where it needs to be? You mean that kind of engine mount?"

"Yeah... That about covers it."

"So, clearly this is an important part, what would that cost to fix?"

"Well, let me get an estimate written up."

[about 30 minutes later... I am incensed as they clearly know what is wrong, and how to fix it, and they are keeping me waiting for their own amusement... Also I had somewhere to be, and they were making me later and later by the second.]

"Yeah, so here's your estimate."

"FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY THREE DOLLARS!?!? WHAT?"

"Yeah... New parts plus 3.5 hours labor involved. That's the going rate."

"Ok, well, I have to be somewhere. In fact, I had to be somewhere 30 minutes ago when you went to get that estimate. So I don't have 3.5 hours or five hundred sixty three bucks to spend here at the moment."

"Oh, that's ok... We're getting ready to close anyway, there's no way we would get it fixed today."

"So, you have no intention of fixing it now... Interesting... (After a thoughtful pause to consider the exact subtext of the mechanic's previous statement, I continued) Ok, so, I get that this is an important part of my vehicle... But you're telling me that you're closing up, and don't plan on fixing it now anyway... So, are you implying that this is not a part that is so far gone that it is absolutely critical to fix tonight, and that my car is essentially more or less temporarily ok, as long as I can deal with that rattling?"

"Yeah, I mean it isn't un-drivable, you'll be fine for a while."

"Care to define 'a while' a little more clearly?"

"Nah, no telling really... You could hit a pothole tomorrow torque things all out of whack and be way worse off. Of course, you could be fine for a lot longer, as long as you're ok with that rattling, but I wouldn't advise any off-roading."

"It's a paid-off, ten-year-old four-door sedan... Not exactly off-roading material. As for things that could happen tomorrow, I could be hit by a bus, or consumed by a pack of wild dogs... I suppose I will have to take my chances at least until I can pay for the job."

"Ok, well, we'll see you then, I guess."

"MMM-HMMM..." (Which literally translated to, "At the rate you charge? Nope. Not a chance in hell.")

So skip forward to this past weekend. 18 months later, I am bothered by the rattling every day, and yet I have done nothing about it because I am fine with avoiding potholes if it saves me more than five hundred bones. I took a short road trip to visit my dad. As I pulled into the garage the rattling seemed to noticeably worsen. CRAP.

So I did all my visiting with the family, and drove home, paranoid about the worsening rattling. I parked my car, left it alone, did a little more homework on the old internet, and decided that surprisingly, it looked pretty easy, certainly not 3.5 hours worth of work, and if nothing else, it was worth a shot.

Not to bore you further, but I took out that old engine mount, (BTW, it was TOTALLY SHOT ALL TO HELL!) and replaced it with a spankin' new one. And BAM!!! My little vehicle is purring like a kitten again!

A fabulously timed ego-boost for me, because I fixed that shit all on my own using little more than google and a wrench!

So that fix cost me not $500, not $400, not $300, not $200, not even $100! It cost me a grand total of a glorious springtime afternoon spent working outside, a bruised palm, a cursory amount of frustration over some oxidized bolts, and $52 bucks for the new part.

So, yeah, I am a badass.

I am a reasonably attractive, intelligent, sports-loving, home-improving, car-fixing, badass, handy-dandy jack-of-all-trades marinated in awesomeness... Combine that with my fantastic sense of humor, classic aesthetic tastes, the fact that I can cook, and it kind of goes without saying that I'm going to make some man incredibly happy someday... Which is why I can afford to be picky.

In short, I am kind of a big deal...

BELIEVE IT.

Bust...

So the Awesome post yielded no awesomeness. And that last post featured a video removed for copyright issues, so in short, the last two posts were total busts.

Sorry.

But buck up everybody! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

No, it's not Christmas... That's a wonderful time too, but I'm talking about something even greater!

It's the time of year where I dedicate time, energy, and attention to one fantastic end. I commit hours in advance to consulting by phone with my best friend so that we can mutually hem and haw over things that ultimately don't matter in the grand scheme of things. At this stage of things, let's face it... It is a quality diversion from all the horrible crap going on, you know, like the impending nuclear meltdown.

What is this wondrous event, you ask?


IT'S MARCH MADNESS!

I'll get back to you after I have taken in countless hours of NCAA hoops, sweating over the outcome of my predicted upsets, cheered for Cinderella teams, even though it will jack my bracket up, and essentially gorged myself on enough college basketball to hold me over until football picks up in the fall... You, know, if we all haven't perished in the looming nuclear holocaust.

In the meantime, I will be behaving like a raving lunatic, frothing at the mouth, and crumpling my bracket in frustration only to uncrumple it 16 seconds later to see if there is any mathematical chance I can salvage my dignity, sanity, or hopes of winning the family pool... I expect that you will either be engaging in the same foolery, or you'll be behaving like a normal person...

Of course, there is also the possibility that you will be quietly quivering in a corner, not far from a pile of your own excrement, praying that the nuclear-meltdown-generated zombies spare you in their quest for global domination... Or something.

WANT

Despite the fact that this video excerpt is essentially an acid trip on my favorite television show, and that the message is essentially counter to my entire personality, I do still kinda want it as a ringtone... And by kinda, I mean REALLY A LOT!

Awesome things...

So I was made aware of this other blog where people are outlining 1000 awesome things. That is pretty awesome in itself... Makes it easy to locate a little awesome in the mundane any time I feel like I need a little more awesome in my day... Well, that page and this one... Basically they make me feel a little better about life. (Which is totally different than feeling better about yourself by pointing out the utter folly of others like this site, or maybe this one.

I've got a few things that I think are awesome in everyday life that they haven't covered:

1) When the shuffle mode on the iPod goes on a really great run of songs that just perfectly suit your mood or lift you out of a funk... Sure you can continually skip songs to get to the ones you want to hear more, but every once in a while, you pop that bad boy on, hit play, and BAM, instant musical success that just keeps getting more awesome as it progresses. For those of you old enough to remember tapes, think of it as the REALLY REALLY superior mix tape. You know what I'm talking about. The one where it was really evident that the tracks were carefully considered and arranged in a great order to maximize their awesomeness. (Yes, there are also plenty of great mix CDs, but it began with the tape dammit.)

2) That one day that comes along every season where you can officially recognize that the season is changing. You might not always recognize it, but when you do it's AWESOME... You step outside one day and you come to the realization that the new season is making its annual debut. Sometimes it's that first really genuinely sunshiny day after a long gray winter, or the first day where it's genuinely hot enough that you know in your bones that summer is here. And then there's the day after roasting all summer that you realize that it's sweater weather again and that you're about to spend weekends raking leaves and watching football (if that's your thing,) and as the temperatures drop, you can leave the windows open and shut the A/C off. Winter is a little trickier, because a little frost isn't really a strong indicator of winter... Winter is a seasonal change you can smell... It smells like firewood and even that is unreliable depending on how quickly the neighbors decide to get the wood-burning fireplace going... But there is a day in there where you just know. AWESOME.

3) Getting hit on (or complimented) by someone who you thought was out of your league... Married folks, this still applies to you. Nothing ever has to come of it, and yeah, that hottie might be turn out to be a total douche nozzle, but every once in a while somebody just hits on you or gives you a really great compliment, and it just lifts your whole day and makes you think, "Yep, I've still got it..." or if you're more humble, "Wow, I never knew I had it, but I guess I do." AWESOME.

Feel free to leave your own awesomeness in the comments... (Keep in mind I only worked up the ones I didn't see on the already REALLY long list, there is plenty of other awesome out there!)

If being me is wrong, I don't want to be right...

So I am going to keep this brief.

I don't want to be a grownup. Not at all!

Unfortunately, I think that's what is happening.

The other day, I got a valentine card from my dad. Sweet.
The card had $20.00 in it. VERY sweet!

Since I operate on a debit card based system most of the time, I don't make a habit out of carrying cash. The next day, I could feel that crisp $20 bill burning a hole in my pocket. So I went shopping! You want to know what I bought?

1 giant box of kitchen trash bags
1 bottle of conditioner
2 different kinds of bathroom/ multi-surface cleaner
4 rolls of scotch tape

Yeah.

As I walked out to my car, I realized what had just transpired, and I immediately drove myself to my mother's office.

"Feel my forehead!"

"Ok, why? Are you ill?"

"Maybe, just feel my forehead! Am I feverish? Do I have some horrendous disease? Am I going to have to move to a leper colony?"

"You feel fine and you look fine to me... Why are you here? Why do you think you're ill?"

"I just bought trash bags, cleaning products, conditioner, and tape with the money dad sent me as a valentine... I must be ill! Because I KNOW there is no other reason I would ever spend gifted money like an adult!"

"Sorry, kiddo. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED."

"CRAP! I DON'T WANNA BE A GROWNUP! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

And with that last statement and a little stomping fit, I felt just juvenile enough that I was able to carry on with my day.

...And then I went and spent money (that I actually earned myself) on books, which is an age-neutral activity for me, but still improved the day as a whole.

Starts and fits...

So I finished painting in the office. And upon moving the bookshelf into the corner where I wanted it, I would have felt a reasonably warranted deep sense of accomplishment, but then I took a minute to look around.

My god! Is this my house? It looks like a bomb went off in here!

I surveyed the damage and essentially came up with the analogy that the place looked like I imagine a house would look if you left an 8 year old home alone for a week, only instead of hot wheels and sundae sprinkles strewn about, it was apparently the home of an 8 year old with a propensity for junk mail, bills, receipts, and dust.

I should note that I don't lend much credence to the idea that we should all be living in homes that are cleaned and polished to the point where they are ready for a professionally-styled photo shoot for "Better Homes and Gardens." I'm all for a home having a lived-in look where you're not afraid to touch anything, but good lord, being able to find a chair somewhere on the main floor that isn't within a foot of a pile of miscellaneous crap might be nice... And I couldn't do that. There was literally crap EVERYWHERE.

Apparently when I set my sights on one task, it applies blinders to every other household chore until the main task is complete. I mean sure I take the trash out before it starts to stink, but I can't really remember the last time I swept the kitchen floor.

And so, today at roughly 2:45 central time, it mentally hit critical mass. And as I attempted to pull the broom and dustpan out of the pantry, and was promptly assaulted by a falling griddle pan, it quite simply caused a mini-mental-meltdown. (Whoa, alliteration.) And this meltdown came at one of those inopportune times when I really would have rather been watching all the college basketball that was on, because its Saturday, and watching college basketball is what I DO on Saturdays in the winter months.

As I swept and mopped, I cursed myself for letting it all slide so much. I am usually so on top of cleaning up after myself as I go, not letting things get so out of hand that a meltdown is necessary, but today, at the expense of my preferred Saturday activity, I did chores like a real grown-up. Laundry is going, the bathroom isn't unsightly, the kitchen floor has been swept and mopped, (though the kitchen still looks like crap until I can get the rest of the bad paneling ripped out, and the walls replastered and painted.) And so the meltdown was quelled to a degree, at least momentarily. (The kitchen floor will be redone at some point in the not too distant future too, but in lieu of replacing the whole thing today, at least the existing surface is reasonably clean.)

I am so glad that I hate the commentator staffing the better games today, so that I can watch hoops and run the vacuum cleaner at the same time!

Every nook and cranny...

So I've made no secret of all the projects I've been working on around the house. I've cleaned out years of clutter and outdated items and papers. I've scraped and patched and painted and rearranged furniture. I've updated window treatments, and shower fixtures. I've scrubbed years of normal use off the items that I intend to keep around. I've moved furniture again. I've scrubbed soot off the stone face of the fireplace. I've pretty well exhaustively handled most of the visible areas of the house to optimize the fashion and function of the spaces on my extremely limited budget.

What haven't I done? Well... The less visible areas leave something to be desired. If it is an area that I have less-than-daily interaction with, it has admittedly taken a bit of a back seat. Sure, I cleared out the kitchen cabinets and drawers. Sure, I cleared all of the unusable nonsense out of the bathroom cabinets. And yeah, in a kind of fluke move, I did really clear out an area of the basement that can function as a bedroom in a real pinch... I mean there is a bed there, (two in fact,) and there are some shoddy paneled walls and a ceiling covering the pipes, wires, and duct work for the rest of the house, but it is still undoubtedly very much a basement, and not a long term solution for a guest room situation. That really only leaves the rest of the basement, the ACTUAL guest room, and most of the closets.

This became particularly salient to me when I went in search of my old yoga mat... I knew I had seen it in the office a little while after my initial move-in and settling period. I remembered seeing it leaning against the bookshelf after I moved the book shelf in there. I knew it was in the house. I looked in the office. (Mind you the office is in a particular state of disarray at the moment, as the office became a catch-all for spring yard sale items, and for my tools and supplies during previous projects, and all of that is also in a particular state of confusion as I have repeatedly moved much of the already confusing contents because I've also been patching the plaster and working on repainting in there too...) After nearly two hours of what I thought was a relatively exhaustive search, looking around the office, my bedroom, my closet, the entirety of the basement, even the trunk of my car. No luck.

During my initial survey of the office, (where I focused much of my attention since I couldn't remember moving it out of there in the first place,) I looked in the closet in there. I shifted around box fans that haven't been used since late summer. I lifted old coats that had been relegated to that closet to keep them out of the way until I can get rid of them properly.

After 2 hours and three re-checks of that closet, I found the missing mat in a box with the wrapping paper that I didn't pull out to use at Christmas time.

This all really just renews my need for the wintry nonsense to hurry up and get it all over with, so that I can have a yard sale and get all this crap out of here!!!

I know this post was boring. But come on, its either this, or we go back to dead air... Something has got to be better than nothing, even something this spectacularly dull.

Dear Mother Nature, (an open letter)

I know that you hear the same grousing every year... "Oh, it's too cold in the winter!" and "Oh it's too hot in the summer." I know you must get tired of everybody giving you guff for the standard weather of a given season. I'm sorry about that... Take it for what it is worth and write off most of it as people being too lazy to be bothered with living in an area that has a climate that they find more agreeable. That's usually the case.

As someone who has lived in areas of extreme cold in winter and relocating to areas of extreme heat in the summer, as well as growing up in a land of reasonably balanced whole seasons, I'm not going to bother with such a petty complaint. I know you've got enough on your plate trying to convince the non-science-minded conservative politicians that global warming is real, and that it really is all our fault.

I'm not going to ask you to up and change the system that has worked for you for eons. I am however asking you to cut me a friggin' break when it comes to this snow! I mean, yes, it's winter, and I live in a climate that enjoys all four seasons and winter has its place. It's supposed to be cold. It's supposed to be dreary and gray. It's even supposed to have snow and ice. (And I'm sure you love watching all of the little kiddies rejoice in a day off from school so that they can go sledding on the nearest hill.) I'm fine with all of these things. I am just asking for a break on this snow thing... Sure it can snow. Sure it can be cold. But can you do me a slight favor and let me go a week without the snow? Can't you just double up a couple of these weather systems that are only doling out one or two inches and give me a week or two off? I mean if it ends up translating into dumping 4 inches all at once, that's fine with me. I just want a morning where I don't have to sweep off and scrape down my car. Clearly I don't mind the snowy driveway, or I'd have had it shoveled myself long before that punk kid came around to wake me up on a Saturday morning wanting me to pay him to do it. I'm ok with one or two REALLY BIG snow events where the kids can celebrate an early spring break and have a whole unplanned week off, I'm even ok with several small to medium snowfalls, but this piecemeal, a dusting overnight, an inch here, an inch and a half there, bullshit has to stop!

You're just teasing the kids with, "Oh it's snowing at bedtime, maybe you won't have school tomorrow," only to let them down when they wake up and see that the roads are clear and the lawn is covered with just enough of a dusting to piece together a piss-poor excuse for a two-foot-tall snowman. Either really lay it on thick so that we can really build a truly proud giant snow penis on the local university quad, or just don't bother. You don't have to hustle spring along or anything. The cold and gray days can stay for their seasonal duration, but just quit jerking us all around.

Thanks for your time, I hope you take this under advisement.

Lizzle

A bleary-eyed Saturday morning rant:

To the kid who woke me up wanting to shovel the driveway, a few customer service pointers:

1 Don't show up before noon on a Saturday, its a weekend, people want to sleep in. Furthermore, you're 2 days late. The snow showed up on Wednesday night... If you really gave a crap about making any cash, you'd have been out on Thursday and Friday. (and don't you give me that, "But I was at school" bologna, I saw the local news, and we both know that you didn't have shit else to do either day because school was cancelled!) And further still, by Saturday morning, the folks who want their driveway shoveled have either shoveled it themselves, given the job to the other annoying teenager who had the brilliant idea to come out shortly after the snow quit, or have driven on it repeatedly turning it into ice, and thus something that you want no part in attempting to shovel.

2) Under no circumstances are you to pound on my front door like you're the police. Do you have a gun and a badge? No? Oh, you say you're only 15? Then quit pounding on my goddamn door like that! The only reason that the citizenry allows the police to pound on doors like that is that they are armed... And for all you know I am armed. frankly you're lucky I opened the door at all, let alone opening it without some manner of weapon in my hand, a la Clint Eastwood telling you to get off my lawn.

3) If I didn't answer the door after the first ring of the doorbell, three more isn't going to make me move any faster. One ring is sufficient. Those who intend to ignore you are going to ignore you anyway, those folks who intend to answer the door after the first ring will not respond kindly to your repeated and overzealous assault on that poor little doorbell button, and my last nerve... You're going to make more money and piss off fewer customers by learning to knock rationally or ring once, WAIT for a few seconds without continued knocking or ringing and when it is prudent to do so, just move on!

Oh and don't come back in the spring you little pissant! I mow my own lawn, and frankly, I don't trust you anywhere near my garage. Now seriously, BEAT IT!

I'm siding with the Admiral on this one...

The Apocalypse is totally imminent!

Now it's not just birds and fish... We've upped the ante to large mammals!

Hope you have a nice day!

A new week, a new project...

So last week, I busied myself with installing a new rain head in the shower. To anyone who has ever installed a shower head, I'm betting you're thinking to yourself, "Why on earth would that take someone a week to do?" Well, I'll tell you...

I initially found the aforementioned rain head while actually out shopping for other things... (Namely, a vacuum cleaner that actually sucked things up and didn't overheat in the process of doing said sucking, and thus didn't end up causing my house to smell like a slaughterhouse populated solely by dust and death.) So while I was perusing the aisles, I happened upon a rain head that was drastically marked down. (I assume that most of you have never priced rain heads; I assure you that they don't typically sell for anything near what my tight budget would normally allow.) So, having found this bargain, I snatched it up without a second thought. (I also got a new vacuum, and I have to admit, it is kind of badass since it winds it's own cord up when you're done!) Anyway, back to the reason my project took as long as it did. Upon getting home with my new treasures, I immediately went into the bathroom to install the new shower head. I was excited to give it a whirl!

Upon completion of the installation process which took a mere 5 minutes of my precious time, I remembered what I discovered the last time I installed a shower head in this particular bathroom. (I installed my other shower head pretty much as soon as I moved in because the grandparents were still using an unsightly variable spray head that looked like it had just stepped out of 1976, and based on the calcium deposits that made it spray every direction except onto the person standing below it, I found it likely that it had not been properly cared for or cleaned since it was installed all those years ago. But I digress... The lesson I learned upon installing the predecessor of the rain head was that apparently when this house was originally built, Midwesterners were considerably shorter than they are today. I figured this out because the shower arm, (the bit that pokes out of the wall through all the original tile that I don't want to go to the trouble or expense of ripping out and/or replacing,) sticks out through said tile at about 6 feet in height. If it stuck straight out, relying on a shower head to provide an angle, that would be fine by me. I'm shorter... and if I were to have tall overnight guests, they would have to be content to bend down to get their hair wet or pay for a hotel stay... entirely up to them. But the shower arm doesn't just stick straight out. It sticks straight out for about 6 inches, and then it has an unreasonably steep bend so that the end of the pipe comes out around 5'8" which is more problematic. Furthermore, if you add the drop of a couple inches so that a shower head can occupy actual space once attached to the end of the pipe, we end up right around 5'5"-ish, give or take. At 5'5"-ish, we're low enough that EVEN I would have to duck under it to get my hair wet, which is wholly unacceptable. (Especially when you want to get the full effect of showering under a rain head.)

So, I did a little homework. I figured out exactly what I needed to do to remedy this situation. (I even asked a plumber friend of mine about my options!) Upon completion of my research, I determined that a simple solution could be found at my local home improvement store in the form of an adjustable shower arm extender which affords me the opportunity to change up the height and angle of the original fittings.

Unfortunately we had a 2 day break in the action due to inclement weather and shoddy road conditions... Upon determining that the roads were sufficiently passable, I ventured to the same poorly organized home improvement store mentioned in previous posts. I found the part that I needed with relative ease. (Nothing like the tape and toilet seat debacle!) So I purchased the item at a reasonable price and went back home where I promptly installed it.

You would think that would be the end of the story, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you would be wrong.

After completing the installation (roughly a 10 minute process,) I turned the knobs on the extender to adjust the angle of the arm... And though I am not typically possessed of super-human strength, I managed to turn the knob so hard that it just flat out broke off. Knowing that I just bought the damn thing, and that for all I knew it was a freak occurrence due to a flaw in the metal, I returned to the store and exchanged it for a new one. Upon returning home, I installed the second one. I adjusted it, and had no problem. I then showed my mother how I had spent my day, and her inspection yielded a nod of approval. She then wanted to see it work, so she attempted to adjust it. And then SHE twisted a handle off.

Clearly this was a design flaw and poor manufacturing. So I took it back to the store, got my money back, and looked at a different home improvement store only to find the same poorly made brand. At that point, I said to myself, "I'm not operating on the 'third time is a charm method' I am going to look at reviews online and purchase one that is built to do the job right." And that's what I did.

Then I was abducted for three days worth of "we're going to improve your sour jobless mood with some sponsored retail therapy" shopping trips and lunches with momma, so yeah, the shower head was my only project last week.

This week's project: the office and all the horror that that entails! (The office has become a scary catch-all kind of room during my other projects, and was densely populated with odds and ends even before my other projects began.) So this week will be dedicated to clearing out the nonsense, repainting the white walls a far more interesting shade, and then putting the items back into the room in a more amusing and functional fashion.

You know what they say about idle hands!

Quote of the day:

The Admiral and I were talking about the recent mass-deaths of birds and fish, in Arkansas, Louisiana, Chesapeake Bay, and Sweden:

The Admiral: "I'm not buying the New Year's fireworks theory. I don't care what anybody says... Crows are some smart fucking birds. They didn't all of a sudden get confused by the fireworks of a podunk town! I have never heard of such an event around fourth of July, and there are a hell of a lot more fireworks going on then! ... Basically, I'm not buying into any theory that doesn't involve aliens, time travel, or the real answer of the apocalypse we all now know is apparently coming."

Adventures in the home improvement stores continue...

So last week paint was on sale... So being the natural penny pincher that I am, I went shopping when the bargains abound.

And anyone who has ever bought a can of paint and intended to use it themselves knows that they shake it up in the store for a reason. The pigments are not an original part of the paint, so they can settle out, and they can settle themselves out faster than you might like. So in an effort to prevent a color-matching disaster, I have been very busy getting that mess up on the walls!

But back to the home improvement store adventures. I learned a couple of things about my local stores.

First off, they are not as intelligently organized as you might think. For example, when I went looking for new toilet seats to put in my newly refinished bathrooms, I went looking near the toilets. Mistake. The toilets are over by the bathtubs, I guess it's the porcelain connection. Not finding my quarry there, I figured ok, maybe closer to plumbing supplies? Nope. Not there either. So I passed by all the aisles of various pipe fittings... Hmm, maybe they are near the shower and faucet fixtures? Nope. So much for that idea. ...Now, I know what I'm after, and I know I am in the right store, and I know that the aforementioned store is a profit seeking entity that earns that profit by having the products one needs in this particular situation readily available to the masses. I don't want to look like an idiot having to ask where they keep their toilet seats, but hell, even if I did, I can't find anyone around to ask... So after a few minutes fruitlessly scanning the aisles, I found them. Where, you ask? Why, a mere 6 aisles away from plumbing and related fixtures, well past the electrical section, right near the water filtration units, of course. (The water filtration section including units intended to be installed under the sink, which, if you ask me would be better marketed if you put them near the sink and faucet fixtures... But what do I know?) So I am scanning the aisle of toilet seats and water filtration units, and I find an appropriate and affordable option. Mind you, I also ran across a significantly not-affordable option too. Did you know that there are toilet seats that are not encrusted with gold and jewels and yet still cost upwards of a thousand dollars? A THOUSAND DOLLARS! FOR A TOILET SEAT! JUST THE SEAT! NOT EVEN A WHOLE TOILET! Now sure, it will also function as a bidet spritzing your naughty bits with perfectly warmed water, but COME ON! OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS? If I am buying that, I'm certainly not the one going out to the home improvement store and buying it myself or doing a do-it-yourself installation. If I am dropping more than a grand on a toilet seat, I am going to call some professional up, and they can get it themselves at some contractor's depot at half the cost and then mark it up to over a grand... INCLUDING INSTALLATION! (Though who would you call for that? There are electrical components involved for that bidet water to be warmed, so am I looking in the yellow pages for a plumber or an electrician?)

The second thing I learned in the home improvement store is that the products we have come to know and love have apparently been appropriated and renamed. For example, did you know that masking tape is no longer masking tape? It is now all considered "painter's tape." I learned this when I was in the paint department and asked where I would find the tape...

The clerk looked at me quizzically, "What? Like electrical tape?"

My impulse was to reply, "I am in a home improvement store's PAINT department asking for tape, and you instantly think 'electrical tape?' If you're that idiotic, you deserve your lot in life as a home improvement store clerk." Being that we just finished with the holiday season, I quieted my impulse and said, "No. I need masking tape... I'm not looking for the over-priced blue painter's tape though... I just need standard masking tape because I am not dealing with any delicate surfaces."

"Uhh... I don't know, but all of our tape is in that aisle down the way... See where the guy with the hat is?"

"The guy in the hat that is 30 yards away and walking toward us? Yeah, I see the guy in the hat."

"Well, it's down by him."

"He's walking down a main aisle here. Is it down by where he was when you pointed him out, or closer to where he is walking now?"

"Umm, well, sort of where he was before... But on the other side."

Impulse control fading out now, "Ugh... Never mind. You just don't worry your pretty little head and go back to leaning against that display there, I will find it on my own. You're doing a great job though... Who knows how long that display would have managed without you leaning there!"

(Now in my retail days, we were instructed to address product location questions by walking the customer to the location. Not by pointing to an area vaguely near where we're talking about, and certainly not pointing to someone who is in motion and who may or may not be near that location when the customer gets to the right area. Seriously... He deserves his lot in life.)

So I passed the guy in the hat. I kept going. I scanned the aisles and eventually found the right one, and there was plenty of tape. All the standard varieties, electrical tape, (strangely not in the electrical department, but that goes back to organization,) the over-priced blue painter's tape I expected, duct tape in colors I had not previously imagined, plumber's tape, (again, not in plumbing,) packaging tape, paper tape, and masking tape! VICTORY AT LAST! And as I examined the various widths of the masking tape, and the ridiculous pricing for the masking tape, and the packaging of the ridiculously priced masking tape in assorted widths, I kind of understood where the clerk got confused. Apparently now all tape previously known as masking tape is now packaged and sold as painter's tape. I must have just confused him by excluding the blue variety and referring to it by it's old name. Silly me.

I will likely post pictures of the improvements once things are closer to being finished as a whole... Right now everything is just a mess!

Mission: Accomplished.

So my Christmas wish was to wake up on Christmas morning and find that there was nothing left to do in the bathrooms but stare at what I'd accomplished... And that wish came true. Mind you, I was a VERY busy bee in the last couple of days before Christmas, but that's really nothing out of the ordinary. I am a project-motivated person... I like being busy and I like achieving my goals in time to sit back and relax for a weekend before tackling another new project.

This week has been about the holidays. Obviously. But in the evenings I have taken to shifting around bedroom furniture trying to find something that better suits me than the configuration my grandparents had for 40+ years. It's an ongoing process... moving a few things around, seeing how it functions for a day or so, and then shifting things again as needed.

I would keep going on about all of this but I think I have even bored myself with this post. (If you started reading this only to find yourself picking your face up off of your keyboard, hoping you didn't drool on the keys, and having lost a couple hours with this giant snooze of a post, I apologize.)

Bathroom follies... (UPDATED.)

Ok, this is not a post about what typically goes on in a bathroom. This is about what is going on in MY bathroom lately... And don't worry, I'm not going to tell some horrific story involving explosive diarrhea.

So I have pretty well finished the downstairs bath. And a few problematic touch-ups on problems created by previous owners aside, it looks awesome. May post pictures soon. The upstairs bath should be done by Christmas if I get my ass in gear... Though I admit that lacquering the light fixtures is taking longer than I had initially planned on... I think it's an issue of humidity making the dry time longer, and as a result we are experiencing undesired texture issues in the finish. The former electrician who originally wired those things was SERIOUS about not having anyone undo his work, though I must say with regard to the mountings, he did a shitty job. (The wiring part I will approve though.) So I've had to re-do the mounting brackets and because that electrician was so protective of his wiring, I spent more time than I should have needed on undoing the wiring. (Re-doing it should be a snap though!)

I will say this; thank god I haven't run into anyone I know lately while out running the odd errand. Because I've been constantly dressed like a schlub, never wearing makeup, and either had wallpaper scrapings stuck in my hair or was covered in some form of paint or plaster pretty much every day for the last few weeks. It's not a look I expect to see strolling on the runways of Milan in the spring.

And with that, I will leave you because I've got to get back to my task if I want this thing done by Christmas!

Oh, and P.S. - Whoever thought it would be a great idea to have swivel brackets on these stationary light fixtures, YOU WERE WRONG! (SO INDESCRIBABLY AND HORRIBLY WRONG.)