Apparently despite my best efforts I'm turning out to be a good person.
My mom called last night, and said that when she went to church she saw a girl I went to grade school and high school with. Her name is Adrienne. All through our youth she was a cute, petite little size 2 cheerleader. She was actually not a total prostitute, and strangely a very intelligent cheerleader, (that lone exception to the rule) so I had no beef with her because she wasn't interested in getting busy with my older brother (a rarity among the cheerleaders,) ... I am pretty sure she ended up going to Notre Dame… But anyway, mom said that she saw Adrienne going up the aisle to be a eucharistic minister at mass, and apparently the poor girl has gained some weight. To quote the conversation directly:
"Hey, you remember Adrienne?"
"She used to be very cute and petite, right?"
"Well, I saw her at mass tonight, and that girl has got a rump on her now!"
"I'm not kidding! She's got a butt on her that goes on for days! It looked like two bulldogs fighting in a bag!"
"Well she does!"
"Well, I know you're telling me this to make me feel better about myself, but I never had any issue with her… I don't delight in news of her new giant ass!"
"I just thought you should know."
"I mean if you both show up at your class reunion, you'll be the one who has held up better!"
"Mom, it is never about that. High school reunions are to make fun of the girls who got trapped in loveless marriages by shotgun weddings, and to poke fun at their horrible choices of 'Baby-daddies' … And to make fun of said horrible baby-daddies, and the fact that some of the wealthier classmates got cut off by their rich parents and ended up working at the deli counter in the grocery store on a long-term basis because they didn't think they'd ever have to worry about a degree and supporting themselves for real."
"At my age it's about who died since the last reunion."
"You don't ever go to your reunions."
"Well neither do you."
"We've only had one so far… and a few people in my class have died since that one."
"Well, you haven't! Which is why I thought you'd enjoy knowing that one of your classmates now has an unnaturally large ass!"
"Well, I appreciate the thought, but my ass is plenty big enough that I don't take joy from the same issues in other people. It's called compassion… Golden rule and all. AND YOU NOTICED THIS IN CHURCH! You need to go to confession. You should have been too busy praying to notice and judge the flaws of others."
"You're probably right."
"I love you, mom."
"Yeah, I love you too… killjoy."