After watching the History Channel for the last 40 straight hours I was shocked and dismayed by all of the inaccuracies they portrayed on their programming. If there’s one thing I know, and know well it’s history, since I’ve made so much it myself. When I ditched that Cadillac full of dead hookers into the Grand Canyon it was probably the single most defining moment in all of history. But since all of you ignorant louts have been corrupted by “school” and these new fangled “news papers” I’m going to have to start from the beginning.
There might be some “quack” professors out there that will disagree with me on some of the historical facts I’m going to be chucking at you, but I believe you deserve to know the truth. And anyone that disagrees with me should be stuffed full of flaming carpet samples and hurled into a crevice.
Despite what your educators have told you, history began when Jesus first came squirting into the world. Before that people just sat around, lived in burrows, threw sticks at each other and got eaten by dinosaurs. Jesus changed all of that; first he killed all of the dinosaurs by writing the bible. He simply didn’t like the dinosaur’s attitude. The bible was a very important accomplishment for Jesus.
When he wrote it he was in a Vietnamese POW camp and had to ink the first copy on Banana leaves using his own blood. Even through the adversity of being imprisoned in a bamboo tiger cage Jesus was able to finish his book, which he wrote in his native language Traditional Chinese.
The Bible was used for a lot more than just its dinosaur slaying properties. It contained the blueprints that would later allow the Canadians to build the Pyramids in Egypt and also contained many words that are used today in many prime time sitcoms such as “too” and “how”. But as incredible as it may seem that dirty smelly hippy did even more incredible things.
After Jesus grew sick of eating rice and spider eggs everyday in the POW camp he managed to somehow escape, possibly by using magic. Jesus then began to travel the world. Along the way he attracted groupies that would follow him around. Back then groupies were called disciples. Of these disciples he chose twelve to become his roadies. (Back in the 1200’s roadies were called apothecaries or something of that nature.) Now that Jesus had his following of minions they started on their world tour. They didn’t have cars trains or tricycles back in the 1570’s so they had to walk everywhere they wanted to go. They visited numerous exotic locations and islands where Jesus would perform miracles or just carve his initials into indigenous trees or people.
To fund their journeys they would sell various trinkets and gypsy charms they made along the way such as bead necklaces and Girls Gone Wild videos. As Jesus and his band of merry men traveled across the country side he began to attract more and more followers by pulling miracles out of his hat, sleeves, or pants. Once, while he was in Bolivia he came across an old woman that may or may not have been blind. With a wave of his hand and the chanting of the words, “GET YOUR VISION ON!” Jesus miraculously restored the woman’s sight just like the son of god might have done.
Another miraculous miracle type thing Jesus did in some place of no real importance was walking across water. There is a lot of speculation about this particular miracle. Some say that Jesus actually walked across a creek and nearly drown and then was saved and nursed back to health by wood elves. Those kind of people are jackasses and should be castrated and hung in a systematic fashion and then shot in an entirely unsystematic fashion. He was nursed back to health by pixies, and that’s the bottom line truth.
Once Jesus and his posse were travailing across the Oregon Trail when they found themselves in a predicament; they were running dangerously low on food. With only 12 loaves of bread to spread among hundreds of his cult followers he weaved his mystic powers once again and divided the bread among them equally. (They also ate all the children under the age of seven, but no one complained that they were still hungry. Although that may also have had something to do with Jesus walking around and saying, “EAT THIS AND BE HAPPY WITH IT OR I WILL STAB YOU IN THE GOD DAMN FACE.” Then he began slapping people around a bit for no real reason.)
One of Jesus’s final miracles was curing the leopards. Leopards had been carries of the Bubonic Plague for a great number of years prior to the 1492’s. Even though his quest typically resulted in frequent maulings that left him permanently scared and the chest, back, arms, legs and face Jesus was not deterred. He eventually managed to vaccinate each and every leopard at the Bangkok zoo.
Not everyone loved Jesus though, the Mongolians, who ruled much of Europe in 834 AD saw Jesus as a threat to their paganistic Hindu ways. They captured Jesus with the help of one of Jesus right hand cronies and made him walk the obscenely long distance from the Middle East to another area in the Middle East all the while carrying a big wooden X. Hanging people on X’s was the preferred method of execution at that time because Confucius hadn’t invented the electric chair yet. They nailed Jesus to the X using nails and then stabbed him with a stick that was shaped like a spear. Jesus eventually died on the X and the Mongolians buried him deep within the Great Pyramid and blocked the entrance with a large boulder and then sealed it with silicone caulk.
Something as trivial as death didn’t stop Jesus though. He was one rough tough SOB. He picked that boulder right up and hurled it right into space, thus creating the moon. And that is why Jesus is the President.
Just to bring you all down from the elation that I'm sure that entry left you with, I'll give you all a quick take on the weekend:
Friday: Nonsense... nothing good to report.
Saturday: Work. And although I was supposed to go out with J-Dub and company, someone got drunk and "forgot to call" so I stayed home amd paid my bills via phone. (Fun stuff)
Sunday: Ciara and I went computer shopping... I think I'm going to have to go with a Dell on this one... and then I composed my last entry and came home in time for the Oscars. (more on the oscars in a moment) but as I watched, Mom called to tell me that she had read my last entry, and that she was sorry, that wasn't how she meant it to be taken... I understand that. (Kinda like Pat Schultz taking it totally the wrong way when I told him that something about him reminded me of a genuinely funny version of Bob Saget... I mean Pat is WAAAAY the hell cooler than Bob Saget, but he was too busy being offended to hear any of that.)
A few words on the Academy Awards:
- Someone should've informed Hilary swank that her dress was on backwards... I know that the fashion mavens of the world loved this one, but personally it didn't do anything for me.
- Has the world run completely dry of any and all talent that Beyonce had to sing ALL of the Oscar nominated songs? ...Oh wait, we did have the OH-SO-TALENTED Antonio Banderas sing one song... Which begs the question, HAS THE WORLD RUN SO COMPLETELY DRY OF ANY AND ALL TALENT THAT BEYONCE AND ANTONIO BANDERAS SINGING ALL THE OSCAR NOMINATED SONGS? Yeah, so here's a tip for the planners of the 78th annual academy awards: You know how you guys were trying to mix it up for us this year by bringing everyone up on stage (an idea only bested in its terribleness by their other mix-it-up idea of giving out Oscars in the audience) Well, if you're going to mix it up for presentation, let's mix it up with the talent too, mmkay?
- As for the new format (which we've already concluded SUCKED) with the oscars in the audience and all the nominees on stage, I think this is a travesty. I think that if you're nominated for an Oscar, you deserve to have your face in that little televised box when you win or lose, and I think you deserve your moment in the sun. You deserve a chance to look out into the audience, at your peers, and thank people that nobody else knows... besides, even if you are busy thanking your Great Aunt Ida, they only give you 45 seconds... unless of course you're Clint Eastwood, in which case you can have all the time in the world.
- As for set decoration at this year's festivities, I heard someone describe the concept of that "spiral-o-giant-oscars" as the idea of them spiraling in ascent to the heavens... well I see it like this; if you reverse the direction of the turn, you're drilling them into the ground.
- I also heard someone say that the changes to this year's show were an effort to appeal to the MTV generation; as a member of that generation, I would like to note that the oscars haven't ever been, nor should they be altered to fit the MTV generation... That's what the MTV movie awards are for. So unless you're going to give a lifetime achievement award to Bilbo Baggins, (He was 111 at the start of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, after all,) or an award for best kiss, then please don't bother. And as for you, MTV, you guys could use a little sprucing up yourselves! I remember when the M in MTV used to stand for music... Nowadays it's all the same re-runs of the real world XXVII and The Ashlee Simpson "I can't sing in reality, but since I've got a famous older sister you'll give me my own show" Show, or better still, My Super Sweet Sixteen, which is video taped proof that some of the richest people in this country embody every single negative stereotype that every other country has about Americans and that we deserve to be mocked on a global stage for our selfish greed and wanton disregard for others. Seriously. If you are lucky enough to catch a music video on MTV it likely means that you are an insomniac, or are trying to adjust while working a swing-shift job, because the only time there are videos on anymore is a small time slot between 3 and 4:30AM. (This is supposedly why they developed MTV2... so that they could still have a network entirely dedicated to music... well now they've managed to louse that up too... C'mon guys! I just wanna rock out!)
I'm going to close this out with a quick little tip-of-the-hat and say that chivalry is not quite dead yet... It might be beaten to an unrecognizable pulp, lying in a coma, and surrounded by loved ones who pray for a quick end to the suffering, but there's still a heartbeat.
I was on the train today, and while there were several open seats, I chose to stand because I wasn't going all that far. A few seconds after he realized that I intended to stand, a gentleman stood up and offered me his seat. I thanked him and politely declined saying that I wasn't going too far, and he sat down again... Had he been either moderately attractive or looking as though he was gainfully employed, I might have taken him up on it and struck up conversation, but since neither was the case, I think the polite decline was enough... it's just nice to see that not all men are dead above the waist, so I thought it was important to mention.