Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I jinxed it.

Yeah, so I spoke too soon by saying that I'd be using my old computer while my new computer is in the shop.

Shortly after I posted last night's update, my old computer flashed the blue screen of death and instantly became a very expensive paperweight.


So, now I'm on to plan C, which is using the computers up on campus when I get a chance.


So, provided that all of the computers at Loyola University's Lake Shore campus don't fail at once or that I am not struck by a passing car on Sheridan Rd (Both of which are entirely plausible) I should still occasionally be around... Though not as frequently as normal... But when I am around, you can count on a much more reliable internet connection!

In the meantime, you'll just have to rest assured that I still love you, and that this internet hiatus is not my choice, rather it was thrust upon me.


In other news, it appears as though in addition to my ailing computers, and my ailing grandmothers, my uncle Jim is now experiencing health troubles.

For those of you who are in regular contact with the god of your choosing, please talk to him/her/it, and give my fam a mention... We can use all the help we can get these days. (Especially considering that doctors don't know what's wrong with my uncle Jim, my cousin Kim is due to give birth any time, and both of my grandmothers are convalescing for their assorted ailments at present.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's one of those times when you love to hate technology! (Sadly I am not Kip Dynamite!)

That's right kids, it's a sad day. My new computer is in the hospital. Should be there 2-3 weeks because the morons at my local Best Buy can't simply tightena screw or two like I asked, no they must send it away to have it done by other bitches, so I am relegated to using my old piece of crap computer in the meantime.

That means that posts might be less frequent, and my time online (AIM) will be even spottier than usual because this thing isn't equipped with the best wireless card out there. Sorry, you'll have to deal.

If my cousin Tarreck has found his way here, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him for an incredible weekend! I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all involved. I have to thank him here because he's not the best about returning phone calls.

Michael, my dear, this also means that my commenting will be spotty... and that talking to you will be even more rough because of the shoddy wireless card in this bad boy, but you know I love you. XOXOXO

As for the rest of you, if you need anything, you have my number, give me a buzz.

I work on Thursday from 10-close and Sunday from 8-close.

Monday, August 29, 2005

You had better've brought your 'A' game, and if you didn't, you better recognize... because nobody puts baby in a corner.

The title will be explained in a little bit, but here's the story of it's origins.

My cousin Tarreck has been promising that he's going to come visit for 2 years... this weekend he followed through. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS!

Tarreck stayed in the Hard Rock Hotel, where they are all about creating a realistic rockstar environment for the guests, down to having 4 people sleeping all in the same bed, rolling bitches who are ODing on whatever substance out through the lobby on a gurney at 3 in the morning, and having staff that look like hard-core roadies.

This is the view from the room:

So after Tarreck showed up late, we had a couple rounds at the hotel, and headed off to meet up with Meljoy, Brian, J-dub, and Patrick (J-Dub and Patrick are suspiciously absent from any pics in this post...)

Meljoy kinda scares me sometimes, but dammit is she ever adorable.

We all know that when the liquor gets flowin, Liz gets affectionate... But I figure you gotta start the love with the guy who finally made the trip to the windy city to see his little cuz.

Lizzle and Meljoy: We know that this pairing is a household name by now. (You can just call us some sexy bitches!)

Mel and Jon.

Melanie DeBoer approved!

Kristi, Brian, and Liz.

Tarreck shows us his version of the "white-man's-overbite" on the dancefloor.

Liz and Brian... (I told ya, Liz + alcohol = affection)

Mel is more than a little terrifying sometimes.

There was a lot of love in that room.

Tarreck wants to know, "Which way to the beach?"

This is where our toes go, Liz, Mel and Brian at Nick's Uptown.

Mel and Brian.

The love is comin' back around!

Jon and Tarreck are thinkin happy thoughts at Nick's

Now Mel's starting to get affectionate... I keep telling you, there was a whole lot of love in that room!!

Liz and Brian (Again)

Liz and Tarreck (Again.)

Tarreck, Meljoy, and Jon (Now those are some sexy beasts!)

So that was Friday night out at the bars... We did a traditional drunken trip to IHOP, and then we all went back to the Hard Rock to sleep it off because we knew we had to make it to the Cubs game in the morning... (The 4 of us spooned across one bed, because that's how the hard rockers do it!!)

Saturday morning, we split up and refreshed briefly, and then we all met at the friendly confines for a rousing game of baseball.

The famous Wrigley Field scoreboard.

It was a pitching match-up battle royale, featuring Dontrelle Willis for the Marlins...

And Greg Maddux for your Chicago Cubs!

Only a section away was my good buddy Vince Vaughn. (When your seats are as good as Vince Vaughn's, you know you're doing pretty damn good.)

The fab four at the friendly confines.

We were pretty hungry after the game, so we went to Yak-Zies, and we threw popcorn at each other. (Mel was good at that game!)

Mel is a hard rocker, in case you didn't know

Clearly, Jon is a hard rocker, too!

After Yak-zies, it was time to nap-&-rally for round 2 of the drunken adventures in the Windy City.

We decided to play it a little more low-key for round two, so we headed to Southport for dinner and drinks... This guy brought his inflate-a-date to Cullen's with him. (Funny thing is, this inflate-a-date is actually about 20 IQ points smarter than the chick Tarreck is dating.)

While at Cullen's we decided to play a game during the course of the evening, trying to see who could more frequently use the 3 phrases "I hope you brought your 'A' game," "You better recognize," and "Nobody puts baby in a corner," in a way that made sense over the course of the night. (Hence the interesting title of this post.)

After dinner, and a few rounds, and lots of laughs at Cullens (Mostly at the expense of a VERY VERY drunk girl who was flailing and getting her groove on with everyone and everything... including the floor) we decided we wanted to go bowling. And when you're on Southport, you've been drinking, and you decide you want to go bowling, there's only one place to go: Southport Lanes.

Unfortunately, the bowling lanes were occupied all night, so we made our own fun at the pool table... As you can see, Tarreck is a real pool shark!

The boys were strategizing... I'm pretty sure it didn't work.

Mel REALLY wanted to bowl, so she decided to sport these sexy socks, despite the fact that we never actually touched a bowling ball or bowling shoe all weekend. (You know you're thinking it, so I'm gonna say it "SEXY, kinda.")

The boys were celebrating something... I assure you it was short-lived, as over the course of 5 games Mel and I (and our stunning pool skills) showed the boys how it was done. The record for the night was Ladies 3, boys 2. ("You better recognize!")

My cousin is kinda molesting my friend...

So then my friend takes to molesting my cousin...

Mel is still rockin the socks, and posing with her pool cue.

Back at the Hard Rock, we did a couple more rounds in the lobby bar, because that's how the hard rockers roll!!

These 4 show the hard rockers how it's done.

Mel decided that since she's drinking "ass in a glass" that she's going to take the lazy way out and just leave the glass on her "top shelf"

Here we can see Super Tarreck, and his evil nemesis Dr. String. (I really hope they were pretty drunk because if you look closely, you can see that they are sporting the velour cape at this point)

Shortly after that, we decided that 4:30 was late enough, and that we'd shown up the hard rockers enough for one night, so we decided to pack it in and head back up to the room to reprise our 4-person spooning gig. And after a few hours of sleep, a lot of giggles, Tarreck making a few E.T. noises while he slept, and Jon talking in his sleep, morning came, and Mel and I once again found ourselves with the morning giggles.

Tarreck took off without much ceremony, as he is known to do, and so Jon, Mel, and I hung out for a little while.

Here, Mel can be seen rocking the side-ponytail, and enjoying the amusements of "Front Desk" magazine.

We closed out the weekend amusements with breakfast at Anne Sather, and parted ways...

All in all, I'm calling it a successful weekend of amusement in Chicago!


Weekend quotes:

"Uhhh... I just realized that I'm chewing the same gum I was chewing last night" ~Mel on Sunday morning

"Mel, get over here, and make an honest woman of me!" ~ Liz

"C'mon Mel, mount up!" ~Liz

"I've got a fever, and I know the cure! MORE COWBELL!" ~Tarreck and Jon

"What are you drinkin' over there? [Mel: "bailey's on the rocks"] Oh, so what you meant to say was that you're drinking ass-explosion... You know you coulda just ordered a glass of diarrhea and it would've tasted better." ~Tarreck.

"You can just call me 'Big Daddy Spankbottom!'"~ Tarreck

Tarreck: "Hey, Jon. I've got a serious question for you. If you went camping with somebody, and you got drunk, and you woke up the next morning and your ass hurt, would you tell anybody?"
Jon: "Are you kidding? Hell yeah I'm telling people! I'm putting it on a t-shirt with my phone number! 'I got drunk on a camping trip and woke up with a hurtin' ass! CALL ME!'"

"Tarreck, are you still seeing that same girl, the one who is dumber than a bag of hammers?" ~Liz

"Hey, don't get mad at me because your girlfriend is dumber than a sack of hair." ~Liz

"Oh that girl is a real oxygen robber." ~Liz

"What is it in your family? What? When you're born into this family do they actually give you a book that has all these phrases in it?" ~Jon

Friday, August 26, 2005

I'm gonna be honest here...

I think that we are all internally programmed to like certain kinds of music. This inherent internal programming is then further shaped, honed, and refined over time, with exposure and repetition.

I think this inherent internal programming exists because despite the environmental factors that increase repetition to certain artists and kinds of music, you can still find people who are mysteriously attracted to certain genres or artists that have no play and no place in any part of their environment. In fact, I think it's safe to say that EVERYONE who ever knowingly listens to music has at least one artist, or genre, or something that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of their overall musical-preference-scheme. Think about that. You know you've got one. ...Hell, look at yourself. You're probably a closet-Michael Bolton-fan. (Don't worry, I won't rat you out to all your "cool friends" ... But don't worry too much, those bitches you're looking up to, they totally rock out to that hoser Yanni, and Zamfir -Master of the panflute, so you're ok!)

I don't know where I was going with this, but it all I know is I don't know why I ever liked the song "Lemon" by U2. ...That song is exactly what it advertised, one giant lemon.


I happened across a post from a friend of mine who noted that he recently went to a knob store.

Yes, you read that right. A knob store.

As in a store dedicated solely to the sales and service of knobs.

Such a place does exist, and I want to go there... Just to see an entire store who's overhead (and apparently profit margin) is generated entirely by KNOBS.

Frickin amazing.


Now onto the real business at hand.

I started my new job on Wednesday night. That's why you bitches are here, isn't it? You were dying to know how the first night on the job was, and since I didn't post yesterday, you're back! (MUAH HA HA... You see how I generate interest by keeping you all in suspense!)

As for holding you in suspense, and trying to generate more interest where only a minimal amount existed before, you can't very well hold it against me... I was grumpy when I was unemployed, and when I get grumpy the writing suffers (*SERIOUSLY SUFFERS) and when the writing suffers, and there is little mirth and merriment to be had for anyone, and accordingly the readership gets bored and goes elsewhere for entertainment... And I can't say that I blame them. I don't wanna read about grumpy unemployed bitches either. So when the writing improves, I've gotta hold out for a couple days, stretch things out in order to generate a little bit more buzz and interest among the rather modest readership. You can't blame me really, in typical bartender fashion, I'm just doing whatever I can to keep you bitches coming back for more.

So. Anyway. Wednesday night was training night. The first couple hours were a little hairy as I was still getting the layout of the coolers down and trying to figure out the cash register system... Let me just say that once I got the hang of those two things, the night went quite well.

It was considered a "slow night" for us, and I still did reasonably well tip-wise, so I'm declaring it a training success. The boss liked how I operated,especially considering it was only my first night, and I enjoyed myself immensely.

Basically, I've decided I really like my new job, and I think I made a wise decision getting into this line of work. (Though being a "night person" the hours alone are reason enough to keep me in the industry!)

Wednesday was the beginning of another symbiotic relationship at Louie's pub in addition to my joining those already on staff. Yes, we at Louie's Pub now proudly sponsor a men's beer league baseball team. They are now known as the Louie's Pub Aquamen. They are all in their mid 20s, and they are all pretty damn good looking if I do say so myself. (*Side note - I was not at all opposed to the fact that the team captain had to take all of their jerseys so that our pub logo could be added before their next game, so at one point in the evening, my bar was full of strapping, fit, shirtless guys in their 20s... Nope, not opposed to that at all... God, now that I look back on that, I think I need a cigarette... And I don't even smoke.)

So in case you couldn't tell, I think I have found the calling of my 20s, and even though it doesn't really prepare me for much more in the way of "real-world-applicable" skills, it's a nice way to pass the time. Besides, I gotta do something to pay off my undergrad loans before I can worry with grad school nonsense, right? (*Contrary to what my dad would have people believe, I don't think this is my LIFE'S CALLING... And I don't plan on doing this until the day I die.) I just know that I am not mentally ready to spend my days in an office cubicle just yet... Lest I turn into a real life character vaguely resembling "Milton Waddams" from the brilliant film Office Space.

Now that I think about my parents, and my job, I am kind of amused that my mom can now easily answer that ever-so-frequently-asked question "So what are the kids up to these days?" with three little words.

"They are bartenders."

That's all she's got to say, because both of us now make our living by being purveyors of alcohol.

We are a skilled bunch... And now that I get to thinking about that, my mom has been able to answer that question in three words before. The answer used to be, "They are lifeguards."

So I guess I have once again followed in the footsteps of my big bro, right into a job that in no way prepares me for the eventuality of the real world, or gives me desirable skills that future employers will be looking for (aside from further developing my already keen people-skills).

Thanks bro! CHEERS!



Anthony: "You're looking very Burberry today, I like it."
Caro: "Oh thanks, this is my 'Charlotte' outfit."
Anthony: "I always hated Charlotte."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

As if $30 just for parking wasn't robbery enough...

In the words of Jimmy Buffet, ("Fruitcakes,") "I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I DON'T WANNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" (Alana might appreciate that line... I doubt many others will.)

So let's go through the day as it really went. (Because it started out really well... In fact MOST of the day was pretty damn good.)

9:20 AM - Dad calls. Dad leaves voicemail, because I don't EVER answer my phone before 10:00 AM central time. EVER.

9:45 AM - Cousin Tarreck calls. Leaves voicemail because once again, I don't answer my phone before 10:00 AM central time... EVER.

10:03 AM- Tarreck calls again from land line. I answer because A.) it is now after 10:00 AM central time, and B.) I have already heard my phone ring and go to voicemail 2 times, so there is little hope for me to get any more sleep.

10:20 AM - Tarreck and I play phone tag because between the two of us, a solid cell connection can't be established.

10:35 AM - Tarreck calls from land line, connection is sound.

10:45 AM - While on the phone with Tarreck, I get another call. It's Abe. (Lizzle's reaction = "SHIT!")

10:58 AM - With things reasonably in order (As much as they can be in order when dealing with Tarreck) I get off the phone with him, and call Abe back.

10:58.30 AM - Abe is busy, please call back in a few minutes.

10:58.50 AM - Call mom because that's how I occupy "a few minutes"

11:10 AM - Call Abe back. Abe asks for interview at 1:30 Tuesday. (Which gives me a little over 2 hours including travel time to get my shit together... HOLY CRAPOLA!!!)

11:15 - 12:00 - Get ready for interview and consult with Michael K. (Because he is a hot slut and lord knows I need his type of rationale to gear up for an interview.)

12:10 PM - Starbucks run.

12:30 PM - Catch train south to interview.

1:00 PM - Wait for bus that doesn't show up... because busses in Chicago are the devil.

1:12 PM - Rather than be late for interview, catch cab.

1:20 PM - Arrive early for interview, securing good impression.

1:30 PM - Interview time. (We all know that Lizzle is a champion interviewee... so that's that.)

1:40 PM - Leave Louie's Pub with a job. (FINALLY BITCHES!!!! FINALLY!!!!) Calls to mom, Ciara, and dad ensue... (I return dad's call immediately only because I can finally tell that bitch to simmer down because I am employed.)

2:00 PM - Celebratory shopping is in order.

3:00 PM, and $30 later - Hop the el to go see Anthony... because he loves me and he'll be happy for me. (Because he is a super-hot-turbo-slut!)

5:30 PM - Leave ABC/ visiting Anthony and Caro/ assisting with a class because I am starving (If you're paying attention the only thing I've had all day is a Starbucks)

5:40 PM - Get thai food and head home.

5:50 PM - Mendez calls, wants me to attend a Cubs game tonight... I figure I've got a job, I can spare the $20 for a ticket and a $25 more for a few brews.

6:20 PM - Leave apartment because the game starts at 7:05.

6:45 PM - Mendez calls, thinking the game starts at 7:30... she is promptly called a dumb slut.

7:00 PM - Run into former boss Nate who offers me time at the flower slinging job on memorial day weekend if I am available.

7:40 PM - We pay $30 for Mendez to get EZ-out parking near Wrigley so we don't waste another inning hiking to the game.

7:50 PM - Edgar realizes he left his wallet in the car, because he doesn't have his ID to get beer.

7:55 PM - 9:40 PM - We happily drink and cheer the Cubbies on to a 10-1 victory over the Atlanta Braves. (During this time frame I also manage to offend a family with a small child because I continually use profane language and utter the words "Bitches," "mother-bitches," "Fuckers" (or some other form of "fuck") and "Sluts" on an average of 6.3 times per minute.) What? I asked the kid to earmuff for me... not my fault if he didn't take direction well! I blame that on bad parenting!

9:50 - 10:15 PM - We look for Edgar's wallet in the car... It has mysteriously gone missing since we paid the $30 to park the car... funny how that happens.

10:20 PM - We drive the Lizzle-cake home because Edgar doesn't have a wallet, so we can't get into the bars, let alone afford drinks.

Moral of the story... most of the day was pretty damn good. I got a job, I got to go to a Cubs game, I got to see the Cubs rout the Braves... And yet, my great day was spoiled because bitches felt like they weren't ripping us off enough by charging $30 for parking, so they had to steal a wallet too. MOTHER BITCHES!



"MMMMMMM.... FACE!!!" ~Mendez, whilst eating a hot dog.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Bartender, another... and make it a double. (AKA, Lizzle hits the bottle.)

Yup. I've been drinkin.

Don't know why. Don't really care. But I poured myself a lizzle-tini just for fun, and it went down so easily that I decided to have a couple more... and then I spilt half of one, and I couldn't just finish on a bad note of spillage, so another one was in order... and that's pretty much where I am now. (You know you love it.)

Yeah, I'm drinkin alone, which is kinda something that alcoholics do, but since I don't make a regular thing of it, I think I am ok. And to be honest, this is the first time I've had enough to drink to generate a buzz in quite some time. (Man those lizzle-tinis go down easy.)

So other than tonight I'm sure you are all asking yourselves, "WOW, I REALLY WONDER WHAT LIZ DID ALL WEEKEND!!!"

The answer to your enthusiastic query is A FAT LOT OF NOTHING. It is very sad, I know.

Friday I decided not to go out with Mendez because she has a tendency to show up 4 hours late, have one drink, and bail.

Saturday night I was supposed to go out with Beth who was visiting from Madison (Or the M.G... but whatever) but she had a headache or some shit, so we didn't go out.

Today I went to lunch with Beth, did a little browsing in the downtown shops, and came home.

Since then I've had dinner, watched a movie, and had a few.... or several... drinks.

Nest weekend should be better... Tarreck is coming up to treat me to a Cubs game and most likely a good night out... (MJD, I hope we're still on!)

In the meantime I will get back to my beverage, and leave you kids to your own devices.

(Just a quick thought... What do you think my neighbors would do if I started running up and down the hall yelling "READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!!!!")


I was also really proud of myself today because I won Michael K.'s caption contest for today!!! GO ME! (If you wanna see, go here, and look for the pic of the pig getting tattooed...) He does it every day, and today was the first time I've ever won!! I ROCK AT LIFE!!!!



Liz: "I've already picked a grad school..."
Beth: "Oh? Where do you wanna go?"
Liz: "UAB."
Beth: "ALABAMA????"
Liz: "Yeah, Alabama... Birmingham. I have family there."
Beth: "Really? Do they have all their teeth? Do they have mullets?"
Liz: "They have not consummated any relationships with family members, they aren't missing any teeth, they don't have mullets, and they don't live in trailers..."
Beth: "WOW... I guess I'm making generalizations... But really, Alabama? ...I guess it could be worse. At least you didn't say Mississippi"

Friday, August 19, 2005

For some strange reason I want to go bowling.

I don't know why, but bowling sounds like a really fun idea right now.

You needed to know this.


Today I found myself a great new drink.

It's a sour apple/melon martini! (Though I am considering putting a patent on the recipe and calling it "The Lizzle-tini")

It's made of equal parts:
Midori Melon Liquer
Sour Apple Pucker
Sour Mix
Garnish (optional) with a slice of green apple, or a cherry.

Give it a whirl! You won't be disappointed.

It's bright green, fruity without being disgusting, and delicious!!


There is something wrong with my new computer and my new camera. I am pissed. I will have to take them back to the store and have them looked at, and in all likelihood those bitches will look at me and say "HA HA HA... You're fucked. That'll be $300." To which I will reply, "But wait, I bought the extended warranty!!" To which they will reply, "Oh, so we already suckered you out of $300... well in that case it'll only be $299.95... Have a nice day."


I read today that the bitches who run major league baseball (i.e. Bud Selig, who we all know I detest) actually said "We can't fix the steroid problem in baseball without the help of congress."

Are you kidding me? REALLY?

You're serious about this mess?

You can't be!

Please, PLEEEEEEEASE tell me you're joking!

Seriously, what is congress going to do to fix the problem that the bitches running major league baseball can't just do themselves? Oh, that's right... utilize taxpayer dollars to spend time, manpower, and Lizzle's patience so that a few members of congress can talk about baseball on the job and call it work.

You know what... Congressional politicians didn't get into their line of work to talk baseball... That's what professional commentators are paid to do.

So, here's my letter to Bud Selig et al.

Dear Bud & Pals,

I recently read that you couldn't think your way out of a wet paper bag, let alone figure out how to handle this whole steroid debacle. Please allow me to offer my assistance in this matter.

I am willing to offer you my services so that we can save the general public a few bucks, (bucks that they can spend at the major league ballparks!!) as well as some frustration and possible disillusionment with the sport of professional baseball.

We all know that as soon as congress got involved with this steroid mess the first time around there were a lot of very perturbed people. Why were they mad? I'll tell you!

To the true die-hard fans out there, following baseball is like a religion. It requires time, dedication, and effort on the part of the faithful party. The various teams they follow are like the different religious sects, each with their own subtle differences and guidelines. (ie - the Yankees will buy, sell, and trade away your affection with no regard for you whatsoever. Or take the Blue Jays who are willing to accept fans no matter what they believe, because they are ***Canadian. I don't have to go into the beliefs of the Cubs loyal, those should be obvious. And the Royals... Oh, who am I kidding, nobody believes in the Royals.)

These baseball die-hards got mad because congressional involvement is like the interference of church and state. Nobody likes the blending of church and state!

For the rest of the disillusioned baseball fans out there, the anger is likely based on the fact that they are tax-payers who know that their tax dollars are being wasted because they all know that GOVERNMENT HAS NO PLACE IN BASEBALL!!! Baseball is a bunch of men getting paid millions of dollars to play a game. A GAME!!! And the rules of a game should be set up be the governing body of the sport... NOT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

(***The Blue Jays present a particular problem if you insist on having the US Federal government fixing your steroid problem because they are a Canadian team. And the US government doesn't technically have any kind of power over those hosers... Yet another reason that you need to hire me to fix this problem through appropriate baseball channels, rather than being reliant on the US Congress to do it for you.)

So with that in mind, I propose that you, the fine folks in charge of major league baseball, hire me, and pay me a large salary to fix your little steroid problem.

Here's how we do it: you pay me lots of money to establish a rule that ANY player caught with ANY kind of steroid or banned substance in their system while playing for a major league team will instantly and irrevocably have all their records and statistics flagged and banned from hall of fame eligibility/contention, as well as impose some kind of fine and play suspension. (Hey, if you're going to keep Shoeless out of Cooperstown without conclusive proof that he did anything wrong, and you're gonna keep Charlie Hustle out for making a few bets, you can't argue that this is a suitable hard-line stance.) We enforce this policy by issuing FREQUENT randomized drug testing.

I will be enjoying a Lizzle-tini in my apartment while you kids consider my offer. I look forward to hearing from you.



Dave is back to ignoring me... so he has been removed as a contributor.

Other contributors have been pretty good about keeping in touch, even if they are not actually posting as often as I'd like, so they retain their priveleges for the time being.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


YEAH, that's right bitches! It's MOMMA'S BERFDAY!!!!!!

I'm celebrating by doing laundry, cleaning up my apartment, possibly a few cocktails, and DEFINITELY some cheese popcorn. I have no doubt in my mind that that's EXACTLY how momma would want me to honor the anniversary of her birth! (Probably without the laundry or cleaning though... mom has never been much for cleaning when there is celebrating to do.)

I wish I could say that I got a job for my mom's birthday, but unfortunately that's not the case.

I don't think I need to explain to all you kids just how tired this job search is. It's flippin PLAYED OUT like a Mariah Carey song... or P.Diddy's name changes.

So, what's new in the world with my readers??? You bitches never let me know what's up anymore. This is just so typical. I graduate from college, and all of a sudden I'm outta sight and outta mind! Seriously folks, LAME.


You ever just let your mind wander and see where it takes you? I did that today, and here's what came to mind.

Why aren't there more streets named after fruit? Yeah, sure you've got Cherry St. and occasionally you'll see something like Peachtree St. but seriously, there are SOOOOOOO many kinds of fruit, and only a couple of street names that ever see any play.

So I've decided that I'm going to found a city somewhere, and ALL the streets are going to have fruit names! So far I've decided that city hall will be on Banana Blvd. the grocery store will be on Apple Ave. and my home will be on Kiwi Court. (If I can't have a whole city, I will merely scale back the plans a little and develop an upscale housing subdivision) ...But no matter what Banana Blvd is going to be the main street in my development, because who wouldn't want to live on Banana Blvd?

Other street names include, but are not limited to:
  • Grape Trail
  • Kumquat Street
  • Watermelon Way
  • Lemon Lane (which will undoubtedly have to intersect with Lime Street) so that 4 lucky bitches can say, "Oh, I live at the corner of Lemon and Lime!"
  • Honeydew Road
  • Blackberry Boulevard
  • Blueberry Lane
  • Strawberry Street
  • Apricot Aveneue
  • Raspberry Road
  • Tomato Trail (Shut up, tomatos are technically a fruit!)
  • Plum Place
  • Cantaloupe Court
And then I got to thinking... A grape is a fruit. Grapes are produced on grapevines. A grapefruit is also a fruit, but is produced on a grapefruit tree...So if you say, "Hey I'm eating fruit" and someone else says "Oh, what kind of fruit?" and you say "I'm having a grape." Should we really be saying "I'm having grape fruit" and if that's the case should we be saying "I'm having grapefruit fruit" ...It boggles the mind.

And since we're talking about grapes and grapefruit, why the hell do these two not taste anything alike? Turn that over in your head a while...

Or you could just ignore me... Sometimes I babble just for the sake of babbling.

Ignoring me would probably be the best course of action here!


It's days like this that I look over what I've written and realize this blog makes me look like I'm recovering from a serious head injury.



Anthony: "Ugh, I have to go out to Oak Park tonight, I hate going to the burbs."
Caro:" Why? The burbs aren't so bad."
Anthony: "In all of the burbs there are only 2 gay bars!!!"
Caro: "So you're saying that the burbs hate the gay folk?"
Anthony: "Do you know how many gay people live in the northwest burbs? TWO... Two gay bars are all they've got???"
Caro: "OH!!! I thought you were going to say...."
Liz:"I thought he was saying that there were only two gay people in the northwest burbs."
Caro: "Yeah, that's what I thought... And you were going to finish by saying you'd slept with both of them, right Anthony?"
Anthony: "Well YEAH... I'm a slut like that. I've slept with all of them! Or BOTH of them... depending on how you take that earlier bit."
Caro: "Damn, you are a ho."

Liz: "So, what's the one lesson you hope to impart to your children?"
Steph: "Easy. That lasagne is ALWAYS better the next day. Why? Isn't that the most important lesson of all? Or do you have some other wisdom to impart?"
Liz: "I always thought 'Pee before leaving' was a really good lesson."
Steph: "Yeah, that's another good one..."

"Damn, look at her... She looks like a Pez dispenser!" ~Caro

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The world is going to hell in a handbasket...

Basically, I have decided that while I might be hell-bound, the fact is that the world we live in ain't far behind me! Have you bitches read a newspaper lately? That shit is depressing. (And no, I am not only referring to the Cubs' record this this season... although that is plenty depressing for me!)

No, I'm talking about all that REALLY depressing stuff. Earthquakes in Japan, plane crashes in Greece and Venezuela, a boatload of bitches drowned off the coast of Columbia, Britney Spears and her white trash husband are nearing the end of their procreative process, and now Cojo needs a kidney!

I'm telling you, the signs of the apocalypse are all around... I'm thinking that the Feder-fetus might just be the anti-christ. We're all gonna die, bitches!


And now some pictures:

I think if I were in this guy's position I'd promptly shit my pants and get my ass out of the water... but then again, maybe that's just me.


Sometimes God subtly whispers that he loves you, and you are supposed to be listening for the message... Then again, sometimes God gets a little irritated with your dumb ass, and he takes a more direct approach to inform you that it just ain't gonna be your day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"Did somebody step on a duck??"

For those of you who don't know your classic movie lines, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves...

Yeah, after being forced to watch golf all weekend (which, strangely enough, I actually DON'T MIND watching,) I have gotten into a kick of watching Caddyshack repeatedly... I had forgotten just how funny that movie really is, and just how many REALLY GREAT lines there are in it!


I got so wound up telling y'all about my detest for Wheaton, bad tippers, and shitty bartenders, that I forgot to tell you an even more interesting story.

It's actually the story I'd originally intended to tell you all, but I was buzzing with so much Wheaton-hatred I figured I'd better get that out of my system and then I totally forgot to actually say what I came to say!

So here's the real story.

The other day, while I was riding on the train, (my close friends know that I always have THE WORST LUCK when it comes to the trains...) I was sitting alone in the seat, reading my paper, when a guy EASILY old enough to be my dad sits down next to me. (It should be noted that at this particular stop the train became quite crowded, so I was grateful to even have a seat at all.)

At this point we are about 5 stops from my planned stop.

As I am focused on reading my paper, I feel fingers brushing my leg. I look down to see the guy has his hand on his own leg, but his fingers kinda reaching out to brush my thigh.

The first time this happens I brush it off as nothing more than the guy getting situated in his seat.

At the next stop he starts up again, so I scoot over in my seat just to be safe.

4 stops from where I plan to get off, back to reading my paper, I notice it again.

Figuring I put my attention to the paper rather than staying away from the guy, I wrote this off too, and scooted over again... this time paying significantly more attention to the situation.

The guy tried it one more time, prompting a rather serious "What the hell do you think you're doing" look... The guy kinda takes the hint at that point.

2 stops away, so now only 1 stop stands between me and my destination, so I decide that all things considered I should make a move to get up and prepare to leave the train. At this point the guy thinks he's got it made, so he tries grabbing my ass.

For those of you who don't already know, Lizzle-cake is very protective of her body, and she does not react well to unwanted physical advances. As this one was particularly unwelcome, and from a particularly nasty old fellow, I reacted in a particularly nasty fashion.

I told him to keep his hands off me (although I am pretty sure I didn't put it quite so delicately, being caught up in the moment and all) slapped his hand away, and I proceeded to continually batter him with my purse until I reached my stop. I then left the train to the applause of several other passengers. Then I smoothed myself out, calmed myself down, and went about my day.

So THAT, my friends, is my story. I hope you're satisfied.



(I think this conversational snippet kinda sums up my relationship with the incredibly hot turbo-slut, Michael K.)

Michael: "You should go WHITE BLONDE!"
Liz: "Michael I'd look disgusting as white blonde... tell you what, I'll go white blonde when you do."
Michael: "Let's go WHITE BLONDE!"
Liz: "No, Michael, if Brad and Angelina can't pull it off, neither can we!"
Michael: "OH MY GOD! We are the new Brad & Angie! ... I GET TO BE ANGIE!"
Liz: "NO! I get to be Angie. At least I have a vagina."
Michael: "Angie doesn't have a vagina!"
Liz: "Yes she does, she has the most mesmerizing, hypnotizing vagina in all of Hollywood! Just ask Brad."
Michael: "But I'm in charge, so I'm Angie!"
Liz: "Tell you what, you can be Maddox... HE'S IN CHARGE! And he's even Asian!"
Michael: "YES! I Get to be Maddox, and you can be Angie!"
Liz: "Great! Now, all I gotta do is steal somebody else's hot man and then buy you a bunch of stuff so that you'll call him 'daddy'"
Michael: "Bitch, let's find you a hot man!!"
Liz: "Wait... you're going to be calling my hot man 'daddy'... not sure how I feel about that."
(The conversation took an unexpected, though VERY FUNNY, turn from there, but I'd need MK's approval before posting any more of it!)

Dez: "Liz, I think you're totally lying about never getting any play... I bet you're really batting them away left, right, and center."
Liz: "Nope, I'm an underappreciated commodity. I'm getting no kind of play lately"
Dez: "That's amazing to me... because in addition to a great personality, you've got GREAT TITS."
Liz: "See, I think they'd go for me if it was just the tits and not the personality."
Dez: "I think you're right... Men hate a girl with personality, and we all know they love tits... Why else would blow-up dolls be so popular?"

"I used to have magic fingers... but those were the four I lost." ~Dan

"I'm pretty sure that danger smells a lot like chocolate!" ~Jackie

"Hey baby, I wanna suck the nailpolish off your toes!!" ~Drunk bum

Sally: "Wow, I've never seen a dog love a person that much..."
Emily: "Great, so now I've hynotized a dog."

Monday, August 15, 2005

Ok, so here's the story... kinda.

I'm going to write this out in little snippets, because that's how I'm rollin' these days.

First off, let me say that I hate Wheaton.

Wheaton is home to all things miserable.

Wheaton is a miserable place which is deserving of my general detest.

That said, I was working at a amateur international golf tournament this weekend, out in Wheaton.

In case you're really into amateur golf, it was the Walker Cup. (And the USA won this year.)

The kid who ended up winning the whole thing for the US was Jeff Overton, a boy from my hometown!

It was hosted by Wheaton's Chicago Golf Club.

The weather was unbearably humid and gross, and I had to walk the mile between the Metra station and the golf club every morning because nobody thought to set up a shuttle for people who take the metra.

There is no sidewalk for about 3/4 of that mile, so I was slogging through mud, wet grass, and gravel next to a busy road.

Because I was reliant on the Metra, I had to get up VERY VERY early (we're talking out of the apartment by 6:30 AM, ON A WEEKEND!!!!) to get out to tend my bar... despite the fact that bitches don't drink anything that early... the earliest I served anything was at 11:30, so why I had to be there that early is beyond me!

These factors did not put me in a good mood upon my arrival.

I worked at a cash bar in the main clubhouse.

My boss put me there because he thought it would be a shitty location and nobody would drink there. (He did this because he is a dick.)

It turned out to be one of the busiest, if not the busiest bar at the whole event. Meanwhile he had his favorites located at the actual shitty places.(So his little plan back-fired.)

Despite the fact that it was a busy bar, the tips sucked. (Apparently they sucked REALLY BAD elsewhere, but they were certainly not good, even at my location.)

The tips sucked because rich old men who are members at the Chicago Golf Club apparently felt that tipping the bartender was beneath them.

European men are much better tippers.

Despite the fact that the tips sucked at this event, and the fact that it was located in the heart of misery, while working I decided that under normal working conditions I really enjoy the job.

I am also very good at it.

The guy who I tended bar with has been working at the club since the year I was born... and he referred to me as "his savior" when people asked him if we were staying busy. (To me, that's an indication that I really am good.)

I talked to one guy who worked all day Sunday and only had 14 customers and only made 4 dollars in tips the whole day.

In a related side note, told in a more contiguous format; one of the fellows who I had to deal with on a regular basis was Dan. Dan is one of those annoying people who will talk your ear off and never say a single thing that is even the least bit interesting or funny. I don't know if he talks just to hear the sound of his own voice or if he just doesn't know he's incredibly annoying, but he's one of those people who want to stab if you are inescapably trapped with them for any length of time.

And the thing is, even if you are not responding, he just keeps talking. Even if you do everything you can to indicate that you are ignoring him, he keeps talking. He is one of those people who follows you around and gives you his life story whether you like it or not. Funny thing is, he complained to me when someone else did this same thing to him.

If anyone walked by he would ask how they were doing, even if they were 20 ft away and actively talking to someone else. And on the off chance that they responded to him and said something kinda disinterested like "Fine, you?" his answer was always "Just another day in paradise!" Now this might not seem so bad, but when you hear it 600 times a day for 3 days straight, it kinda gets under your skin.

I seriously thought that I was going to be forced to repeatedly stab him in the face with my corkscrew.

While on the subject of people who I wanted to stab in the face with a corkscrew, I was also forced to work for about 3 hours, and share my tips with a guy who said he was a bartender for 10 years... I'm pretty fucking sure that was a lie. How do I know?
  • The bitch didn't look a day over 23... but since I didn't card him it's possible, though not probable that he was old enough to have tended a bar for 10 years.
  • The bitch did not know how to pour a beer into a glass... In fact after watching him pour two beers which ended up being all foam because of the way they were poured, I told him I would pour ALL the beer from then on out, because he sucked at it. (Now those of you who have actually worked with me in a professional setting know that up until a certian point, I make every effort to put things politely when dealing with others... I reached that point with him and did in fact actually say "NO! Get away from the beer cooler. I'm pouring the beer because YOU SUCK AT IT!" I was actually forced to tell him in those exact words.)
  • When someone asked for a bloody mary and he started to make it, he started by pouring Dewar's Scotch into it. When I asked him what he was making, and he told me "That guy wanted a bloody mary" I told him, "No, a bloody mary is a vodka drink" so what did he do? He reached for the Bacardi and poured it in on top of the Dewar's. It was about that time that I told him to go sit at the end of the bar and fill cups with ice because he was no longer allowed to touch the bottles.
  • During a lull in business I asked him if he was actually trained as a bartender, or if he was just learning as he went along. It was at this point he told me that he'd been a bartender for 10 years. (I think he meant that he'd been dreaming of being a bartender for 10 years but had never in fact seen a proper drink poured.)
  • When the night ended and the guy left, the other guy I was working with looked at me and said "Who was that guy, and was it just me, or was he AWFUL?" I responded "No, he really WAS AWFUL, and he told me that he's been a bartender for 10 years..." The other bartender just laughed at that statement.
Ok, so now that I've gotten all that out of my system I'll talk to you kids later.


Meljoy, J-Dubs, I am very sorry I couldn't go out with you on Saturday, but as you can see I had my hands full all weekend, and as such I was pretty damned exhausted. We'll go out soon, I promise!!!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I've got a story to tell....

... but at the moment I am too tired to tell it.

Those of you who are aware enough to look at the timestamp on this post (or finish this sentence, because I'm about to tell you) will note that it is only 10:26.

That's right. It's 10:26PM on a Saturday night, and I am too tired to go out and play, too tired to clean my apartment like I'd hoped to do, and too tired to even write a real post for you all... (Of course nobody really reads on Saturday and Sunday anyway, so it's probably better that I'm holding off on writing up my story.)

And with that, my children, I bid you goodnight.

This is lizzle-cake, signing off.

You stay classy, blog readers!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

They say that god is not vengeful.... I say "MY ASS!"

No, today, God saw fit to kick me while I was down and then proceed to point and laugh at me.

On top of everything else that's been going on, and the fact that I have been, (and continue to be) sick, today I got another hard blow.

I got 2 phone calls about 5 minutes apart. The first was from the catering company I kinda work for. They wanted to know if I was still available to work the golf outing out in Wheaton this weekend. I told them sure, I'd work. --No matter how I feel, I need the cash, so I'm working. This effectively books me for the whole weekend.

Literally 5 minutes later my phone rings again. It's a lady calling from a pub I applied to. She would like to set up an interview. Am I available Saturday?


As in the Saturday I just booked 5 minutes ago?


No, sorry ma'am, I can't go to your interview, I've got something going on. Can we meet another day? Umm, Friday? Nope, can't do Friday either... I'm booked all this weekend.

Oh, you were just setting up interviews for this weekend. I see.


And God has a good chuckle at my expense.

I swear, if I wasn't used to this kind of shit ALWAYS happening to me, I really think I'd be suicidal or homicidal.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Sick-head, and BBQ pictures

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, God is a funny character with one sick sense of humor. Just when you think things really can't get any worse, leave it to the big man upstairs to give you a free preview into just how things CAN, in fact, be worse.

I am sick.

I hate bing sick, especially when I don't have anybody to take care of me.

It's a miserable experience. Fortunately it is only a temporary preview into the worsening of things... God did this to let me know that it could be permanent, so I had just better watch it!

So that's a day of job searching down the toilet... and we'll see how tomorrow goes.


Here are the pics from Monday night's 2nd Annual Flower Slinger BBQ*

*It should be noted that a good time was had by all, including Christine, who got more intoxicated than I ever thought I'd ever have the opportunity to see!


While waiting for C, I noticed this sign that made me giggle... because I have an oft juvenile sense of humor.

I mean really, everybody should have some turtle nuts in their iced latte, don't you think? Someone in the ad world is either brilliant or really unaware of people with dirty minds.


And then there were these characters... both in SILVER shirts, and one sporting what is in fact a silver zebra-print cowboy hat.... I mean WOW!


This is Joyce just relaxin' late in the evening (I couldn't get the pics to load in the right order, so get over it.)


Christine is drunk and showing everyone just how much she likes a cookie!


Susan and Ashour enjoying themselves.


Why is it that I am continually finding myself with my toes near a citronella candle instead of a campfire???


Flower slingers, Liz, Shannon and Christine!


The table certainly seems to look like we had a good time.


Ciara is a cheese-ball! But we love her!


Flower slingers, Ciara, Shannon, and Chris.


Christine felt the need to prove to Shannon that she did have perrenials in her garden, (even in total darkness!)


sorry there aren't more pics, or more interesting ones, but I was too busy drinking and laughing at my fellow flower slingers.