Monday, August 01, 2005


I spent my Sunday completing a necessary evil for the bartending community.

I went to an all-day BASSET training session.

For those of you who don't know what BASSET is, no, I am not talking about training a medium sized hound dog. It is a necessary licensing for bartenders to go through in Illinois, proving that we know how to tell the difference between a crappy fake, a good fake, and real IDs. We also have a few hours devoted to who we can and can't serve, the laws governing liquor sales, etc... (And I now know the actual tests the cops and medical personnel conduct to see if you're DRIZ-UNK.)

So here's how the day went:

7:15 - Wake up call... (I don't do well in the single digits!)

8:15 - Bridget shows up to take me out to Palatine (because the meeting was out there for some god-forsaken reason)

9:00 - Arrive at meeting location in Palatine, only to find that the meeting didn't begin until 11:00. (I got up early for nothing. CRAP.)

9:05 - Time to get a jamba juice and go to Ikea.

9:30 -10:40 - Ikea shopping.

11:00 -Back to meeting location to start meeting. (Anthony arrives, thus brightening my day!)

11:05 - 11:45 - Pre-test of alcohol law knowledge... (THAT SUCKED.)

11:45-12:00 - Break (where Anthony proceeds to tell an absolutely hysterical story about his dad's friend "Large Louie" and a Chinese buffet.)

12:00- 2:30 - Learning laws and such. GROSS.

2:30 - 3:15 - Lunch. Gross food, but good company and no talk of liquor laws.

3:15 - 6:00 - Learning about fake IDs, sobriety testing, etc. Gross, but not as gross as liquor laws or lunch food.

6:00 - 7:00 - Post-testing, and distribution of BASSET Licenses to those of us who passed.

7:00 - 7:15 - Continual laughing at my picture and Anthony's picture on our BASSET licenses because we both look like we are STONED OUT OF OUR GOURDS! (He looked like he was having his mugshot taken while stoned... I just look like any other stoner.)

So as you can see it's been a fun filled day! Aside from the company of Bridget and Anthony, and getting in an unexpected trip to IKEA, it was pretty much poop... but the three of us made the best of it.

One advantage though, I am no longer lying on my resume when I say I am BASSET certified... (It was a temporary fib, because I knew I'd be taking the class today, but had to print out resumes when I started looking for a job.)

Sorry if this post hasn't been a barrel of monkeys... at least now you know how I feel!


Some more quality quotes... since you've been so patient!

QOTD - (and based on the quality of today's quotes, I've finally decided that I am in fact going to resort to quoting myself.)

BASSET Instructor Tom: (Talking about breathalizers) "Everybody says, 'Should I blow? Should I not blow? Should I blow everybody?'"
Anthony: "Liz, I don't know why you're lookin at me when he says that shit!"
Liz: "I didn't say a word!"

"So he gets tired of actually walking back and forth to the buffet every time he wants another plate, so Large Louie just pulls his chair up to the buffet and sits down and starts chowing down right there at the buffet table! And out come this little manager guy screaming (in an 'A' is for 'ASIAN' accent) 'NO NO NO! You eat us out of home and house!!! You go now! You get no more!'" ~Anthony.

“It doesn’t take much to impress a group of lesbians!” ~ Bridget

Bridget:“Man, something smells down here.”
Liz: “Well, close your legs when you bend over.”

“I know it doesn’t look like I know what I’m doing but I do.” ~ Anthony.

Joe: (made some comment referring to his death from 'gold sparkly lung')
Liz: “Yeah! For a while, it'll look like you're coughing up fucking pixie dust or some shit, only instead of giving little children the ability to fly, it'll be the harbinger of your gruesome and painful DEATH!”

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