Saturday, April 30, 2005

Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the meanest SOB in the valley...

I took a personality profile test (A serious one, not one of those pseudo-psychological personality tests often found online) and I found that I am a type 7.

The quick and dirty definition of the seven: 7s are joyful people, optimistic to a fault, and do whatever is necessary to avoid pain or suffering. Yup, that's me!

If you are interested in what your personality type is, let me know, and I'll do what I can to help you figure out who you are. (i.e. - I'll pass along the test to you)

(The title of this post is actually from one of the personality types. It's not one that really applies to me, but I thought it was amusing enough to use it as a title.)


My television set has died. considering I have had the same 13 inch tv since 4th or 5th grade, I think it was a good run... 12-13 years, not bad. Unfortunately if I plan on keeping up with my cubbies and such, I will have to look into purchasing a replacement. Damn.


Leo and I were talking about Pat O'Brien last night... You know Pat O'Brien that guy from Access Hollywood, the one who replaced John Tesh (yeah, he had som big shoes to fill!)

Well that bitch got all coked up and called some chick. She went ahead and posted his voicemail messages online for the enjoyment of the masses!! (This was big news a little over a month ago... but I know a lot of people never actually heard the messages, so yes, OF COURSE I HAVE LINKED TO IT HERE! (because it is funny.)

***Please note:Mr. O'Brien was a bit kinky... apparently he was into threesomes and whatnot along with other assorted debauchery. Sensitive readers might find this audio clip to be offensive, as it is rather explicit. Listen at your own risk!***

(It is really funny though if you consider Pat's public persona.)

Pat O'Brien recently got out of rehab, and is currently capitalizing on his recent negative publicity by giving an exclusive interview to Dr. Phil ... Wow... Now there's a winning combination! (Next time Pat, hold out for Barbara Walters)


I am posting now as a means of procrastination... I am doing whatever I can to postpone additional work on my papers.


CODY DAVIS! (my nephew!!) YAAAAAAY.

There is something about this picture that makes me think of "Mini-me"

Looks to me like he's saying "Back off, or I'll sock you in the jaw."

Would you just look at my happy baby!!!


Bitches, I told you that "Fat and happy" (motto courtesy: one slender Alana Stephansen) was the right mentality to have. Now there's proof!

I found an article that says while being obese is a problem, being a little on the fluffy side not.


Once again, I win at life.

Not a good weekend.

I had a couple of fun things planned for this weekend... leave it to schoolwork to ruin my fun. I had planned on picking up some hours of flower slinging, (fun because I make real money to do it,) and I planned on watching my boys play some volleyball, (fun because they are awesome, and I love them, and it's always a good time to go to the gym and watch them win) ... Alas, neither of these happened.

I had to call off my flower slinging plans so that I could write papers, and I watched helplessly as two people tried to carry a team through a match, and fail. These are not fun things. (Corey and Krystian played SPECTACULARLY WELL, they left all they had out on the court, and they are AMAZING, I only wish that with the OK play and the downright-AWFUL play could've taken a few of their cues from these two and stepped up their game.)

After is was all said and done, IPFW took the match, and what that means to the rest of you is that Ohio State will be going to the final four, and that's a crime...

And I will say this; It absolutely tore me up inside and broke my heart to see and hug my dear sweet Krystian.

(Pictures below)


Trying to get away from this depressing nonsense...

You know what I don't like? People who are too judgemental for their own good. Tonight, I am speaking specifically to the ultra-conservative so-called Christians.

Nenny asked me to read the latest post and comments on Megbo's page, and I did. The post basically was a rant directed at her very right-wing conservative Christian friends who seem to think that Megbo is "living a life of sin" ... now I don't know Megbo personally, but based on what I do know, I was compelled to comment on lifestyle choices and judgemental attitudes.

We all know that I don't generally being a whole lot of religion into this page. I assure you, this is deliberate. I don't want to try to convince others that my lifestyle is right, or wrong, or that anyone else is better, or worse than I am. I might make shallow, remarks about a person's intelligence level, or their willingness to sell themselves out for monetary gain, but I make it a rule not to judge them as a person for what they say, do, or believe. Just because I don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong. So, when I am compelled to comment on Jesus, that's when you know things are getting serious.

In response to the comments the afforementioned Megbo rant generated, I said:

"Ok, kids... I don't know Megbo. I don't know Ben or Elizabeth. I do, however, know Jesus.

I might be wrong, (though I don't think I am,) but wasn't one of Jesus' main tenets to accept others? Accepting them in spite of any shortcommings they might have? Yeah, I think it was...

Jesus went to hang out with the Lepers and he hung out with Mary Magdalen who was supposed to be a woman of ill repute.

The fact is that it is not your place to judge Meghan. It is your place to love her and ACCEPT her for who she is, and the choices she chooses to make. (God did bestow free will upon man for a reason, kiddies.)

I think I've said enough here."
And to this point, while other comments have generated responses and further argument, nobody has chosen to respond to my comment. Why? Because if you think you can fuck with that, then you're fuckin crazy... and you know what they call the fuckin crazy uber right-wing conservative Christians? Think hard about this.... Yeah, that's right, they call them NAZIS. (Now, while that might get you elected pope, it won't get you in the pearly gates.)

The fact is that people will claim to love Jesus as long as it serves their purposes... and unfortunately people use their love of Jesus as a foundation for hating other people who have ideas which differ from their own. These so-called followers of Christ are willing to start a war in the name of Jesus, because people are different and they are ready to dole out judgement as if they are entitled, but they are unwilling to consider the fact that war and judgement is the last thing that would be encouraged by a man who preached "Love one another."

I'm sorry, but religion gets me all riled up... like I said, I don't mention it here FOR A REASON.



4.30.04 - "Well, actually under one of those pages is a hole and they turn it over and play washers during their down time." ~ Mel, talking about the clip BOARD (pictured below)

5.1.05 - "I really wish we were a bunch of penguins hangin' out and playing in the freezer right about now." ~Michael wishing we were penguins because he was a tad bit warm.

This sign was just so hot we had to get a picture of it in all it's glory!

A couple of cinderblocks holding up the sign that Krystian requested... Looks like you just got CINDER-BLOCKED!

Pat struggles with technology.

Brian is looking a little "Special" as he holds up the sparkly sign.

Jamie Waz holding a sparkly sign - GO RAMBLERS YAAAY!

I think Doris is looking at the sports page and trying to figure out why she is in the gym...

"Hmmm.... what was I supposed to do tonight?"

OH DORIS, You silly long-neck!

Pre-game huddle.

Seriously, I thought that this was a joke the first time I saw it, but no, the six page clip BOARD made a return appearance in alumni. I really think this guy needs to learn how to turn pages... it would take so much less effort. REALLY.

The giant clipBOARD just kills me!

Pat Schultz, loungin'.

Corey played an amazing match, if the rest of the team had played with half the effort and heart of Corey and Krystian this evening would've ended VERY differently... You guys are amazing!

Krystian Played his little heart out! He left all he had on the floor, and that's why he's a champion! (You win at life KK! I LOVE YOU! YOU ROCK MY WORLD!)

Friday, April 29, 2005

Just a quick question...

Umm, I might be the only one who has noticed the trend, but seriously, who are the sucker-producers who keep giving William Shatner acting jobs? That bitch can't act, and we ALL know it... Seriously, nobody picked up on this after the original Star Trek, or T.J. Hooker?

The big toe is the captain of the toes...

Once again, the title here has nothing to do with the actual post... except to note that my big toe (damaged last weekend by one Melanie Deboer) is recovering nicely.


Pretty typical day, classes, and work... you know the routine by now.

I was rather saddened to learn that a few of my close friends are considering leaving me. Jaimie, as we all know is headed off to Law School and snowboarding, J-Dub is contemplating a move to NYC, and well... I'm not going to out people who have not announced their plans to the masses just yet, but suffice it to say that there are others who plan on leaving.


It is not that I am worried about having friends... I make friends easily. It is just that I have gotten attached to THESE friends, and I will miss them terribly if they leave me. PLEASE KIDS, A LITTLE HELP HERE! STAY HERE! DRINK WITH ME!


Just when I thought last week was my rough week, I took a look at the week looming directly ahead... with an 8 page paper and an early final for behavioral psych, 7-9 pages and a quiz over a play for drama, 4 pages for art history 1, 4 pages for art history 2, and a powerpoint presentation to get together for anthropology, lets just say that the ol' Lizzle cake has got her work cut out for her... I honestly don't know how this impending week snuck up on me, but it did. If I had seen this stuff coming, I'd have totally been working on some of this stuff this week... No, wait, that's a lie. I'd have almost certainly put it off... But seeing just how jam-packed this coming week will be, I will be a busy bee all weekend long... looks like I'm going to have to cancel plans for standard weekend drinking and debauchery so that I can focus my attentions on paper writing and similar academic activities.

I really can't wait until all this is done!

I know people say that college is supposed to be the best time of your life, and that might be true, but I am ready to graduate. I know people say, "NO, STAY! STAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN!" but the fact is, that it's expensive, I'm broke, and I am tired of coming home from having class and work all day, only to find that I have more reading and work to do so that I am ready for tomorrow... I am ready to own my free time. And once I get into the real world, I'm sure I'll come to the same conclusion as everyone else, which is why I already have plans to return to school in the not-TOO-distant future. (Also because I know I can't exactly do much with a bachelor of science degree... and no, that art minor probably won't be much help either.

(Speaking of the end of my college career, does anyone know of any available positions in Chicagoland where I can make a decent amount of money and not want to kill myself? Suggestions/recommendations welcomed.)


Apparently my dear, sweet, sainted mother talks so much about my writing that she has intrigued her co-workers. I'd like to take this time to give a shout-out/welcome the new members to the readership, and apologize for the fact that there is not much entertainment in your initial foray.


While I'm on the topic of shout-outs, I'd like to give a shoutout to the men's volleyball team, who I love, and I'd like to wish them all the luck in the world as they have a big MIVA tournament weekend in front of them! (WHEN they win this weekend, they will advance to the national final four!) Good luck gents!

I've got the MIVA FEEVA!


While sitting in J-Dubs' office today, we noted that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are dating. Katie Holmes (26) is only a bit older than Dubs and myself, and seeing as Tom is 42, we decided to ask ourselves who we'd be interested in when it came to the over 40 crowd.

Several of our favorite candidates were excluded because they were in the 35-39 range, and the minimum limit was set at 40.

The final list included but was not limited to:

Johnny Depp (42)
Brad Pitt (42)
Sean Penn (45)
George Clooney (44) (preferrably from his late 30s when he was on ER)
Keanu Reeves (41) (On Dubs' list, not mine)
Harrison Ford (DQ, because we thought he was a better fit with our mothers than with us... despite his dating preferences)
Val Kilmer (46) (Though recent pictures have revealed that he looks like crap lately)
Rob Lowe (41)
Hugh Grant (45)



4.28.05 - "He looked good in GQ... I'm not kiddin! If I had a weiner, I totally woulda popped a boner right there in the 7-11!! Can you imagine having a wiener? I think I'd walk around with a near-constant boner, because I check out EVERYBODY!" ~J-Dubs talking about her imaginary anatomy.

4.29.05 -
Liz: "Leo, it smells like a McRib back here."
Leo: "Well, I did have chicken fingers with barbecue sauce, that's probably what you smell."
Liz: (looking at floor) "I might be smelling it because I think you spilled some here on your carpet..."
Leo: "Actually, no, I think that's chocolate from my candy bar last week... I spilled the barbecue sauce back a bit more in THIS area."

(It really is a wonder that the gym is not a more vile place than it presently is.)

I was headed up to campus when I saw this little scene outside a cafe by my home. Yes that is a chandellier hanging from a tree. If you ask me, THIS is the definition of romantic whimsy.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I once knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith...

If you're sharp, you caught the reference in the title and finished it with, "But what's the name of his other leg?"


Today was boring. Nothing fun to report. Classes sucked, work was nothing special, home is quiet. Facebook-stalker-boy is all up in my business, prompting me to remove my phone number from assorted places where it was listed, so if you don't have my number, you're either going to have to IM me to get it, or call someone else who knows it. Sorry kids. (I'm not risking it at the moment!)

I've had a couple people encouraging me to see what this stalker boy is all about... Thanks, but no thanks people. Even now, I'm not that desperate.


And now for a few ramblings...

This is not the Cubs year... unless they do some serious trading/improvement to the bullpen. I love them, and we all know I'm the last to speak ill of my boys, but I'm being a realist here.


The Goonies is one of the greatest movies of my childhood... And seriously, you know Sloth and Chunk are totally living together in some apartment in the city, eating pizza and BA-BY RUUUUTH.


Paris Hilton is a whore in every sense of the word... seriously, is there anything she won't sell herself out for? (And it's not as though she needs the money kids.) This is not a revelation in any sense of the word, I know, I just thought I should mention it.


Nowadays, when people ask me if I got my hair cut, I am very tempted to tell them, "No, I got really scared and they suddenly jumped backwards into my scalp out of fear."


I have been a dirty bastard lately... I've been making all kinds of lude jokes and innuendos, I don't know where they have all of a sudden come from, but they have multiplied to numbers previously unseen!


I'm not going to comment on the NFL draft because the few parts I deem comment-worthy only piss me off so much that I will fly into rages that will terrify you... You should shudder at the mere mention of the name Maurice Clarett.


I tried a new conditioner last night, and I don't like it, it didn't rinse out all the way, despite my intensive efforts at removal, and today my hair looks as though I have not washed it in a week and I am mangy.


Nenny mentioned on her blog that she wanted tulips, and today she got tulips... With that idea in mind:
  • Gosh, I sure would like a 16 inch string of pearls! (Keep your mind out of the gutter!)
  • Gosh, I sure wouldn't mind if someone handed me a winning lottery ticket worth millions of dollars.
  • Wow, I sure could use a massage!
  • Hmmm, I never got a massage at an Italian spa before...
  • I still want a boy to slow dance with.
  • I have begged for years to get a puppy...
Doubt any of that will work, but here's hoping!


I am preparing a rant on identity theft... though not the kind you normally hear about... (My close friends have heard this rant a few times over drinks.) I think I've distanced myself from certain factors sufficiently to be able to really get into this one... We shall see!


Britney Spears is a common, trailer trash trollop. (Like the prior statement about Paris Hilton, I know this comes as no shock, but I just thought I'd say it.)


Michael Jackson did not molest those kids! (He made love to them!)

...OK, fine I'll say it, he's a child molester!


I know that there are times when all of us get into self-pity mode... I am guilty of it as of late. I will admit to that... I will not stand for CONSTANT self-pity though... I am sick and tired of people who have the world at their fingertips saying "Woe is me, I've got it so rough!" You wanna see rough? I'll show you rough. Rough is living on a few dollars a week... not having one or both parents pulling down a 6 or 7 figure income, meanwhile subsidizing your lifestyle. Rough is walking miles and miles to find fresh water, not driving to class in your high end luxury car. I could go on, but why bother... I don't have it rough, and if you've got access to a computer, you don't have it rough either! Think about it. I promise you know at least one of these people too! We all do!


Mendez FINALLY joined the Facebook!


J-Dub, the comment section for each post/picture is at the bottom/end of the post/caption... not the top. I know it gets confusing to you since you are a train wreck, but I still love you. Just thought I'd mention it.


I really like the song "Jumpin' Jack Flash" by the Rolling Stones!


I think that's enough on the ramblings end of things for now... more to come.



4.27.05 - (This is a one paragraph excerpt from an e-mail Mel's grandmother sent her... it's a little slow at the start, but at the end, I think you'll understand!)

"I am asking if you can come to the Mother-Daughter Dinner on the 3rd of May-Tuesday at 6:30. Your mom said you would not be able to come but I thought I should at least issue the invitation. I am in charge of the food and we are having grilled pork chops, baked potatoes, Jell-O salad, applesauce, corn, buns, beverage and sherbet for dessert. Gail Renderman is speaking. She is in a wheelchair with some sort of disease. It should be interesting. She has a license plate on the wheelchair but I cannot think what it says." ~ Grandma (Shirley) DeBoer

Connor and Mel.

Connor Burns.

AWWW, Cute little Connor Burns... Still not as cute as my nephews though! (Sorry Burnsie)

Dubs... enough said.

Mel, Kinda scary - I left the red-eye on purpose!!! TRUST ME!

A little scarier! (I think she could kick your ass!)


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I'm tired, bitches.

I would take this opportunity to say something sarcastic and funny, or some cynical observation about life... you know, the usual for a daily entry. Well, you're going to have to do without.

Tonight I was in a self-pity mood, so I posted a more emo-post on Nenny's blog because I know it has no real place here... You will not be responsible for it, it will not be included on the final, but if you're really that concerned, it's about me feeling sorry for myself about being single... I know about 90% of you just instantly said "Well fuck a lot of that shit... " but if you remaining 10% are up to it, just click the link to Nenny's Blog (the link mentioning burritos) and give it a quick read.

As for me, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight my loves.

I think that about sums it up.

Thanks Dave.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Mc Thermos's LOTD

liz stole my link for today so I had to come up with something else... but I didn't have time. so here's a link to a pretty cool website that has all kinds of cool videos and music. I'm linking the entire site cause its flash and I am not able to link to a specific video or song. enjoy

This Link is rated E for Everyone.

Britney Spears was trashin' it up as usual... but one can only take so much, and since she is a fan of composing the infamous "letters of truth" We in the celebrity mocking community are compelled to compose a truthful letter to the pop starlet-harlot.

Dear Britney,
1. You need to wear a bra
2. You are not a size 2 anymore. You're pregnant. Please wear something a bit more decent. You have made enough money to afford stylish maternity clothes, and a decent bra, in addition to supporting your W.T. worthless loaf of a husband, as well as a healthy supply of cheetos for baby Spederline.
3. The brown extensions do not work on you.
4. You need to remind K-Fed he is not black and take the doo-rag off his head

(Credits to Michael K and reader/commenters)

Monday, April 25, 2005

It's the random comedy that makes my life interesting.

I know some weird ass people. Krystian, who we all know I love, and the boy who undoubtedly has the most beautiful eyes ever, sent me this little gem...

(If you want to send it to other people you love, just change the last bit of the URL /address to the name of the person you're sending it to, rather than LIZ... That will change the name on the sign.)

Oh those crazy Poles.


I would like it noted that I have my first official Facebook stalker.

There might be others out there, (though I doubt it,) but this is the first confirmed facebook stalker experience for the Ol' Lizzle-Cake.

Oh stalker nation... what a crazt place you are!

Details available upon request.


No, I didn't write the following, but I did track it down for you... Welcome to my life.

It's about this time of year that people start to get worn down and stressed out because finals are coming. I believe one reason for the annual stress epidemic, other than not knowing which tree to plant for Arbor Day, is that people try to do to much. People don't know how to take it easy and drift along anymore. They wear themselves thin to the point that the only thing keeping them from going on a random killing spree is an episode of CSI they saw last week. Everywhere I look I see people on the verge of a nervous breakdown—either that or Starbucks is having a mega sale I don't know about. The solution is easy my friends. You don't have to do stuff to accomplish stuff. Look at anyone from reality shows or Paris Hilton. They haven't done anything different than me or you. The only difference is that they have no shame and allow people to market them as idiots. Not to worry, I am willing share the secrets that have allowed me to live a life where the less I do the more I accomplish.

1. Lower Your Expectations
If at all possible eliminate expectations all together. This way you will lower you chances of disappointment. Now that you don't have to worry about being disappointed, you can take it easy and do things at your leisure. This is also a good idea if you are female and thinking about going on a date with any man. Trust me.

2. Make Everything Seem Like an Accomplishment
You don't have to do something important for it to be an accomplishment. You just have to make people believe that it is. Tell people that you stayed up all night up writing a paper that you actually got from a friend who took the class last semester. Tell people that you are gonna be a little late because you're working out. They don't have to know that your workout includes laying on the couch with a Men's Journal "50 Sit-Up Exercises" article and a bag of chips open on your stomach. If people think that you're constantly doing something then they will be less likely to bother you, and isn't that what we all want? Remember, you're busy and important. (Practice exercise: Recite "I'm busy and important" three times.)

3. Limit Your Tasks
This one is pretty self-explanatory. The less you take on, the less you have to do. If by chance you have to do something (breathe?), make sure you can make it seem more important than it really is (see #2/breathe heavily). If someone asks you to do a favor, make it seem like you're really going out of your way for them. Then the next time you have an unavoidable task, have them do it. They owe you one.

4. Know the TV Program Schedule
TV is key when you want to get the most out of doing nothing. By knowing what is on TV and when it comes on, valuable energy is not wasted channel surfing.

5. Do Only What is Asked of You
When you think about it, there is really no reason to go out of your way to do more than what is expected of you. Everyone's expectations of you should be low by now anyway. Don't worry about doing extra shit for people...if they wanted other stuff done too they would have asked you to do it.

6. Choose Your Hobbies Wisely
There are plenty of hobbies to choose from that don't require the excess use of energy. Running, walking, rock climbing, collecting porn...all require too much energy to be fun. Keep it simple: stick to sitting, laying, lying, dreaming of rock climbing, and mental pictures.

7. Why Walk When You Can Ride
Cars, buses, bikes, and mopeds were created for a reason. Don't let a little excuse like "it's only down the street" stop you from hopping into or onto a vehicle. You never know when you might pull a hammie. Play it safe, a healthy body is the only way to remain voluntarily lazy.

8. Sleep Obsessively
Let's face it, spending an entire day watching TV and avoiding tasks can wear a person out. So take a deserve it. It's not like you have anything to do anyway.


Now that we've established the fine art of slacking, let's see that you get the most out of it. May I present to you the fine art of bullshitting. (As a professional bullshitter, I reviewed and approved the content of this article.)

You’re up ridiculously late every single night choking on the musty tomes of your school’s main library. You’re missing every party because your weekends are spent cramming for next week’s tests. Your muscles have twisted into stress-induced knots and you’re starting to piss yourself just a little bit more with each passing day.

You’re a freshman. Q-tip the shit out of your ears and realize that if there’s ever been a time to take notes (and I’m sure you have stacks of them by now), this is that time.

There are a few select academic tracks that actually warrant earnest study and material understanding. These are majors which precede careers in medicine and robotics engineering. For everyone else, college is a four-year game of survival where the course work means absolutely dick. What’s worse, the so-called educators who have made it their bread and butter to waste your time with menial tasks and spine-fluid-draining lectures that could give two tap-dancing rat’s asses about you or the enrichment of your precious mind. So why should you have to bend over and take it like Martha Stewart should have gotten it in a world with a truly just legal system when you’ll never use this crap again? The answer is that you shouldn’t, and if you know what you’re doing, you’ll never have to pray for a metaphorical palm full of Crisco again. The answer, you sorry sods of studious stupor, is the ancient Art of Bullshit. Hence, the guide you see before you.

Step #1: Assess The Value of Bullshitting

The premier stage in the process that is Bullshit comes with the identification of a BS Opportunity. Ask yourself, “What is required of me by this professor? Is it discussion? Is it a paper? Is it a test?” Once you identify the problem (aka the assignment), it is important to weigh the worth of the work or lack thereof. That’s why your syllabus is such a handy tool. Most professors will break down, point by point, how much each major assignment is worth. If you’ve got a quiz coming up that’s worth 10 points out of 1100, that’s a clear indication of a time when you should look into the mirror and give that smiling face of yours a healthy recitation of “Fuck It.” However, if you’re facing a paper that constitutes roughly 40% of your overall grade, it’s time to proceed to the next step.

GOLDEN RULE OF STEP #1: The purpose of bullshit is to save time and energy. If bullshitting takes more time than actually studying, don't even bother.

Step #2: Gather Information Resources

So you’ve got this massive paper on, say, I dunno, comparative studies on ancient literature featuring both goats and exotic fruit. You can either read thousands of pages of poorly-translated fart jokes also known as classical high theater... or you could let somebody else filter out the nonsense for you. This is when you sneak into the dark corners of your corporate bookstore or Internet search engine and shake hands with a generous fellow named Cliff.

Yes, I know it’s juvenile and stereotypical, but Cliff’s Notes are your bestest friend in the whole wide world for the next four or five years. Good ol’ Cliff can take one hundred pages of thee’s, thou’s, and hark’s, and break them down into about two paragraphs of synopsis and analysis. If you know where to look, not only can you get the plot, but you can also get someone else to think for you. You know all that pretentious sewage that comes spouting out of that front-row Keener’s maw every single day? He probably picked it up from a study guide website. Now you can, too. Once again, if it takes longer to study synopsis notes, just read the goddamn book.

GOLDEN RULE OF STEP #2: Don't waste your time and money on books you don't really want to read. 5 pages is better than 50, therefore Cliff's Notes are better than real books.

Step #3: Know Your Grading Machine

Before you even attempt to construct a paper full of things you don’t really believe, on a subject you don’t really care about, you should know who’s going to be reading and grading it. The first important factor is class size. If you’re in a huge class (100 people or more), your professor will never read every single paper. Instead, he or she will employ (conscribe) Teaching Assistants, of whom we will speak later. If you’re in a small class, it’s important to get to know what your professor expects, i.e. what kind of mediocre mental prowess he or she will tolerate. Bullshit comes in many varieties, so be careful. You don’t want to bust out your dictionary for a big-word-filled extravaganza when you’ve got a leftover hippie for a teacher who wants to see... hmph... personal growth.

As for the possibility of being graded by a TA, just remember one thing: They know precisely nothing. A TA is just a regular student who pretends to be somehow wiser and more capable than they really are. In the case that a TA grades your paper, they’ll be too busy trying to look like they know what they’re doing to actually cover your content. In the case that your professor actually grades your work, just try not to be too impressive or imbecilic. Tread the middle ground. Spout back to them all those bullet points they went over in class (and yes, to bullshit properly you will have to occasionally attend class, but not recitation), sounding like you learned something when really you just don’t care. If you do it right, you hit that sweet spot in the center of the vandiagram where your professor’s lowered expectations and your TA’s lack of knowledge overlap. Combine that with proper spelling and mechanics and you’re on your way to bullshit proper.

GOLDEN RULE OF STEP #3: There is no universally applicable bullshit. Know what you can get away with before you attempt to manufacture a paper.

Step #4: Falsify Obscure Sources

Anyone who has ever had to write a college-level paper will tell you that the real bitch is quoting and citation. There’s no need to scour dozens of books for useable quotes, or even to scan the primary text of the class for relevant passages. Should you need to quote the text of the main book, just consult your Cliff’s Notes again. Most good study guides have relevant quotes built in. Try not to use the overly obvious ones, as they generally lower the credibility of your paper.

When it comes to secondary sources, like those written by Dr. Somebody from Nowhere University on the subject of No One Fucking Cares, you should really use this opportunity to flex your bold-faced lying muscle. All you have to do is go on a book-buying website, search by subject, then find a somewhat obscure text on your paper’s themes. Do not, I repeat DO NOT use well-known books if you’re going to start lying outright. Find some piss-poor paperback published for about two weeks back in the 60's by some guy nobody’s ever heard of and attach his good-for-nothing book to your bibliography. When you need to use a quote (and I know this sounds too simple but hear me out) just make something up that sounds reasonably intelligent. Unless you make the mistake of falsely quoting a respected scholar, you should be in the clear.

GOLDEN RULE OF STEP #4: Under no circumstances should you make up a fake quote from a well-known scholar or text. Falsify something obscure and bask in the calm created by your professor's lazy unwillingness to check your sources.

Conclusion: Well, that about does it. With this simple guide, you too can rescue your weekends and late nights from pointless studying without sacrificing your grades. If you do it right, you’ll be staring down a solid 3.50 GPA and your professors will just forget you because you were neither remarkable nor remarkably stupid. And one final word of advice: Don’t brag about your achievements in bullshit. Just remember that dishonest deeds can and will come back to bite you in the ass if you don’t show them the proper respect and distance. Now put down that epic poem and go grab a copy of Tek War with a microwavable burrito. It’s your brain, fill it with your own shit on your own time.


For those of you who still have pleasant memories of Sesame Street, may I present you with this little gem. Dave actually tracked it down, but I enjoyed the flashbacks it generated enough to go ahead and beat him to the punch by posting it for your enjoyment... (You might also recognize the tune from a fairly recent Dr. Pepper commercial.


I have lost my U-Pass... if anybody has one they don't use much, or knows someone else who doesn't use theirs, I'll be willing to pay a small fee to use it for the remaining weeks of school.



4.26.05 - (Mel was holding Coach Burns' baby, Connor)
Mel:[whispering] "I want one of these!! Shay! I want one, think we could do something about that?"
Shay: (Without missing a beat) "Sure... Talk to me later! [wink]"


Borrowed material credit: Chad Chamley & Michael Sarko

Mr Smitty the Love Puddle's LOTD

Ran into this diamond yesterday... I've no idea who produced it, but I'd guess it comes from ESPN. Very fitting that it should come after Liz's ultimate sports rant.

Coach Jules
This clip is rated M for:
Adult Language

Running Time: 2m 52s
Format: Streaming Quicktime
Size: 7.1 MB

WOW... it's been a while.

I suddenly came to the realization that it's been a while since I've done a sports rant. This is especially remarkable considering all that has been going on in the wild world of sports in recent months. Let's start with the NHL... Oh, wait... there is no NHL to report on... nevermind.

MLB - Right now the topic of steroid use is about as huge and scary as all the guys who have used them... and let me just say that I 100% without a doubt believe that Sammy Sosa DID use steroids, and that he did lie to the Congressional panel who questioned him. I also think a few of those other guys who were subpoenaed to appear before congress were also using, but like Mark McGwire, I'm not naming names. We all know I am a baseball geek, so let me just say that I fully support the regular testing of baseball players, and if they are caught using, they should be penalized HEAVILY... I'm talking like no hall of fame penalization... I mean really, if you're not gonna let in Charlie Hustle (Pete Rose, for you non-baseball geeks, who was banned for betting on baseball,) or Shoeless (Joe Jackson, who is banned despite a lack of unequivocal proof that he helped throw world series games.) then you shouldn't let in these other guys who are getting caught cheating... they produce the numbers legitimately, they get in. They cheat, they don't. Enough of that nonsense! In other baseball news, did anybody other than me and the Red Sox nation see the brawling between Boston and Tampa Bay? I frickin LOVE a good baseball brawl! ME GUSTA MUCHO!

NBA - The bulls are really heating up. If you'd have asked me at the beginning of this season if they stood a snowball's chance of being a dark horse I'd have called you crazy... OK, for you non-Chicagoans, in NBA news, in recent weeks there has been talk of instituting a minimum age limit on entering the NBA... I think this is a bunch of bunk. I think if you can operate a car, a 2,000 lb. piece of machinery easily capable of killing people, and at 18 you are legally able to carry a gun and die for your country, if you are able to handle a ball well enough to hang with the big dogs in the NBA at any age, you should be allowed to do so. LeBron is my boy.

WNBA - Kate Endress joined the Connecticut Sun... nobody other than me really cares about this, and very few people seem to care about the WNBA, but as far as I'm concerned it's worth mentioning, because Kate is a friend of mine.

Golf - Tiger Woods got his 4th green jacket. Congrats Tiger. I know my grandma actively dislikes you because she thinks you ruined the game, but my grandma is a mean, racist old bird, and I'm proud of you... And I'm impressed that you made such a comeback after your nuptuals... (Yeah, we all took note of the way your game dropped off the charts when you met your Swedish model wife...) Way to power through it buddy!

NFL - The draft was this weekend... I have yet to absorb all I need to on this to give appropriate analysis. More to come as this topic mentally develops.

Men's College Hoops - I never really got into all this, but North Carolina won the national championship, meaning Loyola is still the only school in the state of Illinois to go all the way. As for the Heels, I hate to burst your bubble guys, but I really don't see Sean May (among others) coming back next year... I mean really.

Women's College Hoops - Baylor took the women's championship... I know that aside from the one or two readers who actually play Div. I women's basketball, nobody else really cares... I thought it was still worth mentioning.

While we're on the topic of college sports, Loyola's Men's Volleyball team is #9 in the nation and I'm telling you, these boys are some movers and shakers... I love them! It's now or never boys! They are under-appreciated and under-rated, and that's a fact!

Soccer - Nobody in the US actually watches soccer... which is unfortunate, but true.

I think that's enough for now... but feel free to add your two bits.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Weekend recap.

Well this weekend was nice. (Aside from freezing my ass of at work on Friday, that is.) Other than that I spent a spectacular amount of time either drunk or in bed. THAT'S HOW I LIKE TO SEPND A WEEKEND AFTER A HELLISH WEEK OF WORK AND SCHOOL! Now that I really think about it, I really did spend quite a spectacular amount of time in bed... I guess a week's worth of sleep deprivation will do that though.

Other than that, I did laundry and baked cookies. (Yes, from scratch, because I am Susie Homemaker.)


For those of you concerned about it, my toe is doing better... still a little tender, but making a nice recovery all things considered. (I still love you Mel! ...And by the way, that is a good picture of the two of us posted below! Of course, you always look cute.)


Normally, I hate it when people use their blogs to post song lyrics, but today I was in a sad, slow, girly-music mood, and I gave one of my new-found favorite artists a listen, and I was struck by the lyrics... they are simple words telling a simple story, but it was just too awesome to ecape comment... I never got any feedback on my track of the day feature, where I merely recommended a song without posting any lyrics or anything, so instead of just posting title and artist, I'm recommending it by showing you the lyrics, and letting you decide for yourself...

Here are the complete lyrics to Keri Noble's "A piece of my heart"

Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face

Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you

I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart

Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart

And if you ask me, I think all of her songs are just as good if you're into slow, girly music. And if you decide you like her, then I've got other artists you've probably never heard of that I will be happy to recommend.


Speaking of music, Nenny told me that she's going to teach me how to sing. In trade I will teach her about art. (She is already planning a field trip to the art institute.)

I am super excited about learning to sing! I played the french horn and the piano both for about 2 fat minutes, and now I don't play anything... I'm betting if I were to happen upon either instrument though, I could totally bust out an awesome rendition of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" ...That shit always brings the house down!

I really admire people with musical talents. Hopefully I will be able to carry a tune without the aid of a bucket, and then I won't be ashamed of belting out a tune with my car windows rolled down.



4.24.05 - "It's not that I don't remember talking to you, and it's not that I don't remember what I said, it's that I don't think I was actually speaking English... and I'm pretty sure there was talk of raptors... Don't ask... I love dinosaurs. God, I've gotta stop drinking!" ~Kirsten (The day after call-back.)

4.25.05 - "Hey guys, I can't see anything." ~J-Dub while posing as the see no evil monkey in the picture below.


I still have not found a boy to slow dance with... still taking applications.


After Talking to Jaimie, I found that I actually need to explain the commenting system... Jaimie was apparently unaware that she was able to comment on the things she was reading, which leads me to believe that since commenting has been limited to a select few of you, despite my repeated pleas for comments, perhaps we need a brief tutorial. I am actually moving my comment section from above the post to below the post (just in case you were surprised by the sudden move), and I'm wanting to change it from "# Comments" to "# bitches had something to say" - I think this will be funnier, even if it doesn't generate more feedback, but I am having a little trouble with the coding to figure out how to change that, because it's not as simple as you might think... but anyway, all you do is click that little "comments/# Bitches had something to say" - (Whichever the case may be when you see this) and you type your comments in the little box that pops up... you can sign your comments, or remain anonymous, that's your choice. And then you click the little grey button that says publish.

That's all.

It's that simple.


I love campy 80's tunes, but one song I have never liked is "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners... I have never understood the appeal of this song. Just thought I'd mention that.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

J-Dub's new boots... she's so proud of these bad boys. She thinks they make her more like Jessica Simpson.

J-Dub and Pat... some crazy bastards.

Mel takes J-Dub and her boots out of commission.

And this is everybody's favorite train wreck.

Three monkeys; speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil... (While we were taking the picture, J-Dub actually said "Guys, I can't see!")

Mel and J-Dub

Photogenic Mel/ Martha Stewart with her turtleneck, premium crackers, and alcoholic beverage in a respectable mug.

This is Shaun "Not playing beer die"

Jen & Pat.


Pat is not only playing beer die, he is also ready for the flood! (We still don't know why he had to pull them up like that.) And he's also guilty of that juvenile lude hand gesture... Congratulations Dubs, this is what you're dating.

Not in focus, but damn we are some sexy bitches.

Mel, and her boobs... senior picture style.

"This picture is totally internet-ready!" Mel doesn't seem to mind though.

We love J-Dubs!

Shaun can't handle a pic with Mel... (That'll change a little later)

It's Asian / gringo couples beer die... at this end of the table, Jen and Pat.

And at the other end of the table, another asian girl / gringo couple.

Pat doing a face plant to get the die... because we all know Jen wasn't gonna try to catch it.

Lizbeth and Meljoy. AWWW

Mel likes whipped cream! (sexy kinda)

I try not to laugh/choke on whipped cream...

Whip it Brian!