Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Asian women behind the wheel...

I'm gonna say it...

I am always grateful when I see a little Asian woman on the train or the bus... because it means she's not behind the wheel of a car.

I hate to be the one to perpetuate the use of stereotypes, but the fact is that Asian women can't drive.

I know. I've seen it.

I used to live in a VERY Asian neighborhood in this fair city of mine, and I always had to look two or three times before crossing the street. Why? Because Asian women can't drive!

I have nearly been hit by Asian female drivers on numerous occasions... all while I was either legally in a crosswalk, standing on a sidewalk, or standing in a parking lot.

I was nearly struck once again while at work today by a small Asian woman who was evidently not aware that you have to be able to see in order to drive a motor vehicle.

Like I said, I'm not one to perpetuate stereotypes, and I generally don't buy into them, but this one has offered me just a little too much evidence to be totally untrue.

Just thought I'd offer that for your commenting.

I really gotta find another way to cope...

[Warning: This post contains a little bit of me feeling sorry for myself... You've been warned, so don't yell at me and tell me I'm going to hell because I refuse to give up all that I have and give back to the global community because I'm blessed or anything...]

I have a bad habit...

Actually I have many bad habits, but this bad habit is likely to get me in more financial trouble.

I cope with my problems through a little recreational activity I like to call RETAIL THERAPY. In case you are not familiar with this term, it means when I have problems I go shopping.

Those of you who know me well know that I am usually not much of a shopper. I generally limit my spending to the grocery store, bar tabs, and the occasional DVD indulgence at Best Buy...

This all changes any time I get stressed.

When I was stressed with trying to find a new roommate, and making plans for graduation, it was a trip to Borders downtown, and a few "lucky on-sale finds" at Banana Republic that saw me through. When I was stressed with finals, I bought books from Amazon, and a few sale items from J.Crew. When I was stressed with my move, I ordered more furniture.

Sensing a pattern?

So with the stress of trying to work enough to pay my rent, pay for my summer class, finish my work for my summer class, consolidate my loans before July 1 (when rates go up), being told by someone else that I am going to hell, and the added news that my grandmother has ovarian cancer, it was time for a little recreational spending... not good when 2 of the stressors are financial in nature.

Lucky for me, my spending at a Target store is limited to a few key areas such as DVDs and books... It's pretty tough to rack up a bill that could be amassed at a Banana Republic for the same number of items...

So yeah, I'm going to hell, one grandmother is in a nursing home with a broken hip, and a negative prognosis of recovery, and the other grandmother now has ovarian cancer... couple that with the end-loaded rush of things I have to accomplish for this poetry course, (Which still needs to be paid for, too) paying my regular bills, and the other daily stresses of my life... and let's see, what else could we possibly pile on here? Anything? Anyone got something to add?

So yeah, maybe I am feeling sorry for myself... and maybe I don't deserve to. After all, I'm not the one with ovarian cancer. But until someone comes along and offers to be my sugar daddy, and make sure I never have to worry about bills ever again, so that I can focus on my other problems, I'm gonna bitch about it. You'll have to deal!



(In response to a mid afternoon rush at work)
Ciara: "Where did all these people come from?"
Kerry: "Asia."

"My Jello is sweating!" ~ Kerry (Who didn't have any Jello.)

Monday, June 27, 2005


So sorry children, I got so excited over posting my reunion pics that I totally forgot to write a post explaining them… Basically, the idea behind my family reunions is for all of us to gather once a year in a central location, get drunk, play games, and roast one another… this invariably results in a good time for all.

This year there were three new babies, though only 2 are pictured. There were 2 new husbands, though only one pictured, (and both of the husbands had attended before as boyfriends) and there was one new boyfriend, though he was not brought by me because I am as tragically single as ever… and I have no doubt that as soon as I bring a boyfriend to one of these functions he will instantly dump me because of all the crazies he met while at the family reunion.

This brings me to an important distinction. This is actually a reunion of my step-family (My step mom's sisters and their collected families). I have no blood relationship to the vast majority of those in attendance. This is not all that important though, because I do consider the rest of them family, and I love them. (And I love attending the annual family reunion.)

This year the reunion saw a couple of changes. We changed localities to a lovely ranch in the Paoli/ French Lick area.

(Those of you not from Indiana, please try to compose yourself after reading the words “French Lick.” …Take your time… ready? Ok, moving on.)

I also was informed by my cousin Tiffany that I am going to hell.

Yes, that’s right, my cousin Tiffany, who I see once a year, told me that I’m going to hell.

And yes, this is the same cousin Tiffany who three years ago was slapped for openly denouncing God/Jesus at the same family function…Apparently now she’s married, and has become an uber-Christian…Go figure.

So why does Tiffany the new-found Catholic think I’m going to hell? Because I won’t drop everything that I have going on right now and join the Peace Corps.

Yeah. That’s right.

I said that I was all for doing charitable works, and giving back, especially when you are as blessed as I have been, and under different circumstances, I would gladly join the Peace Corps… but the fact is that right now I have a lease, and a mountainous student loan, so it’s probably not the best time for me to gallivant off to Africa to ruin my credit rating by ditching out on my lease and my loans to feed the pygmies.

Hell, going to Africa or wherever would probably do wonders for my waistline… but then again, I’m a big fan of being malaria-free.

Aside from that mini-drama, all went as expected. We ate, we drank, we sang karaoke, played games, we roasted on each other, and we parted ways… a glorious time, really. (Amusing pictures below.)



"Don't make me turn my meaty flank in defense." ~ Kim

"You can kiss my shiny metal butt!" ~ Kim

"Julia, you might want to try breathing... I read somewhere that breathing is kind of important." ~Kathy

"Damn, if I could throw up as easily as he can, I'd be thin!" ~ Kim

Lisa found that she was making a fabulous fashion statement upon returning from the pool.

An apropriate sign to have up at our family reunion... no matter what time of day, children of all ages are playing... extreme caution should be used at all times.

our roaring campfire... you know you're jealous.

The family martiarch, Grandma Turner.

Breaker Breaker one nine... Thomas is confused by a baby monitor.

For as much as they talk about despising each other, Tarreck and Dorothy hang out a lot.

Tarreck is trying to prevent ships from running aground with his HUGE flashlight... you think he might be compensating for something?

Kim musta thought something was funny.

Becky had just struck Kim during a rather violent game of Left, Right, Center.

Cody is such a happy boy!

Tarreck and Tamara.

This is where my toes (and the awful tan lines) go: At the pool.

Tarreck rightfully dunking Tiffany

Baby Asra.

Mya and Julia... SO CUTE!

It's Keaton!

Aunt Mary holding Cody

Julia wasn't happy... but those sunglasses are HOT!

These are the cabins. (And Scoot and Lisa walking away)

Introducing Bill aka Scoot on the maracas

Scoot, Julia, and Katie

Scoot and Julia play dress up (Please note Julia's sparkly Michael Jackson glove)

This is the only picture of my step-mom. Yes it was dark, but we didn't lose her because of that DAY-GLOW shirt!

Me, my dad, and my big brother.

Travis belts out "I Feel Pretty" for the fam.

Me and Lisa... I am very drunk, and I look like hell, please forgive me.

Tamara swings the mic above her head in a stirring rendition of "Hey Mickey"

Cody's dinner time!

I'm yelling at/disgusted by something... I don't recall what.

Scoot tests out dad's bifocals.

Scoot and Lisa playing paper/scissors/rock

more karaoke

John and Tiffany singing karaoke.

John and his girlfriend (I never got her name.)

Travis was literally laying on the stage clapping while karaoke went on, he was that plowed.

I love my cousin John!

This is where our toes go, Bill/Scoot, myself, and Lisa warming our toes at our citronella "campfire"

A few snapshots from the karaoke portion of the family reunion... pure comedy gold. I especially like the shot of Tarreck and John singing while Tamara and Tiffany are dancing in the background. (Bottom center)

These are my sexy bitches. Sasha (left) and Angel (Right).

Monday, June 20, 2005

Oh how lucky you are!!!

You kids are so lucky! You get two posts on consecutive days... WOW! It's just like the good ol' days! It's a father's day miracle! ...Or maybe not.


So Nate was kinda pissed about the condition of the store when he showed up on Sunday evening after Kerry and I left. Apparently he thinks that no work was done at all. In that regard, he is wrong.

Yes, we did slack a little bit over the weekend. But there was definitely work done! The empty carts that once contained lots of flowers got out to the lot because we cleared them off and arranged the flowers in an acceptable fashion... Either that, or the empty carts we stored in the lot magically multiplied on their own, because there were certainly more at the end of the weekend than there were on Friday morning.

Ok, so even though I got a pissy e-mail from Nate, which noted that he didn't want to hear excuses, I'm just going to respond here instead, presenting my defense.

  • The zinnas on an outside table were loosely arranged to occupy the full amount of space. Nate packed these zinnias closer together and filled the rest of the table with petunias. I didn't do this because Nate has specifically told us not to pack things too tightly on the tables, to quote our fearless leader, "The plants shouldn't touch." The ones he arranged were most definitely touching... but I am apparently supposed to know that he wanted that.
  • The end caps could've been filled. Yes, I knew this should have been done before we left, but in the two years I have done this job, I have yet to pick the right thing for one of Nate's end caps. He's finicky. Therefore, I do not mess with the end caps, EVER.
  • The 12 packs were not condensed and brought inside... Yeah, that's true, we didn't do that, and we could've, but I was of the belief that they would be there in the morning when I returned, and I would deal with them then. Nate got to them first.
  • Nate claims that some patio pots were not watered. I think he is hallucinating, because I know I watched Kerry thoroughly water them. (I think at this point his anger was making him write things that just weren't true.)
Now, those 4 things don't translate to the 4 hours he says he spent working, but what do I know? ...that means he was bitter because the place wasn't swept, which if you ask me, should be the Home Depot's job, and not the annual flower company. Ok, so Nate is done venting, and I'm done defending.

(Natey-kins, we all have bad days! It'll be ok, and we'll behave at the store! I promise!)


A shoutout to Meljoy who messaged me because she misses me and still loves the blog entries.

Meljoy, you are a hot slut, and I love you! Call me soon, we'll hang out!


Tom Cruise got squirted in the face with spooge by some prankster... He was pissed about it, but I don't know why, he should totally be used to getting squirted in the face with spooge!

(Because he is a closet homosexual...) And Tom, that's ok!

I don't think homosexuality is scientology-approved, though... anyone know anything about this?


On Sunday night, I attended my first poetry slam. It was awesome! I highly recommend you check one out if you have the time! (Green Mill - Sunday nights at 8.)


I have to go take care of business. You kids be good and I'll bring you something back from my vacation!

Funny things just happen to me... I see critters all over the place, and Kerry is convinced that I am hallucinating when I see them, so here's proof! There really were two pigeons on the train with me! They rode from Howard to Morse on the red line!

I was at Panera, composing a post for you kids, when I looked up to realize that this child was left alone at the table in front of me... He was totally alone for SEVERAL MINUTES. (Apparently his mother never heard of kidnappers!)

This is Mary, hostess of the poetry slam. She's quite a character.

This is Boa-Bill, who won the first poetry slam I've ever attended.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Looking to kill some time?

If you're looking to kill some time, I recommend that you give this game a try. My mom sent it to me and it's actually quite an effective time waster!


Oh you crazy kids...

Ok, so we've established that people are idiots, and that when they shop at the home depot, they are mean idiots... and we've established that when masterpiece workers get bored, they are slackers of epic proportions. (Pictures below)

In other news, we've also established that electronic devices do not like the Lizzle cake. (I swear, if I were of a lesser constitution I would probably have done myself in by now... fortunately for me, and for you as well, I am not of a weak constitution, and I have suffered the slings and arrows just for your entertainment!)


If any of you remember me talking about Jar-Jar, a.k.a. Skelator, a.k.a. Stefanie Duncan, and you talk to me with any regularity, then you've probably already heard me tell this story, so feel free to skip ahead.

For those of you who don't know the story, this is a tale of karma, and how it is screwing with me.

Stefanie Duncan was a lifeguard, (of weak constitution, noted because she frequently cried on the job, but that's a whole other story.) Anyway, Stefanie and I were forced to work together one year, and she was engaged to a friend of mine, named Jake. While Stefanie and I worked together she irritated me (and everyone else on staff) intensely, and since she was irritating and had/has bad posture, we nicknamed her Jar-Jar, after Jar-Jar Binx the Star Wars character sharing these characteristics... anyway...

Jake was serving in Iraq when we worked together, and the staff collectively joked that Jake was going to break off the engagement because he met a lovely Iraqi woman and decided to tie the knot with her instead... (Jake did eventually break off the engagement, and did marry someone else, but alas she was not Iraqi)

So, I think karma is f-ing with me because the only even half way acceptable boy currently on my romantic horizon is in fact Iraqi... If this keeps up, and karma has it's way with me, if I should ever produce children they will all be mentally handicapped, and I will still end up in hell.

So I have that to look forward to, which is nice...


It should also be noted that the annual family reunion is coming up!! I will be in the greater Patoka Lake/Paoli/ French Lick, Indidana area for family activities such as drinking and roasting on one another, and making s'mores. And it will be fabulous.

I know you all have slowly grown accustomed to my abbreviated and/or occasional posting of late, and so this should not come as a huge shock, but since I will be camping, it's pretty likely that you won't be getting much in the way of posting between this coming Thursday and Sunday.

Look for a mega-post and great pictures upon my return though!



Liz: "A brown boy has a crush on me."
Nenny: "OOOH A BROWN BOY! What kind of brown? Are we talking 'Tyrone-Brown' or are we talkin..."
Liz: "He's Iraqi."
Nenny: "OOOH MUHAMMED BROWN!! NICE LIZZLE! ...But I read on the blog that you've got other boys after you... You masterpiece girls are some sluts!"

"It's my goal every day to say something that makes Lizzle's QOTD!" ~Ciara

"That plant scares me! It looks like something that would live on 'the dark side' ~Rosanna (Wow, two star wars references in one post... that's kinda scary.)


Happy Birthday to Michael K!!!
He is one VERY HOT SLUT!

This is where my toes go: Our toes go to work! (clockwise from top: Kerry, Ciara, Liz)

Kerry was jealous that C looks cute in all her pictures, so she decided to adopt C's pose. I think the result is a cute pic of Kerry.

This is Rosanna, she is hilarious, and she told a customer he was rude! I love her for that!

This man was not a firefighter... We want to know what the hell he is wearing, and why.

Proof that UPS is trying to rip me off!!! OK, second attempt, slip reads that they came at 1:40 PM and that the next attempt will be the following day between 2 and 5... (It wasn't.)

Please note that the attempted delivery time is 12:45 PM... Because in UPS world, 12:45 falls between 2 and 5 PM.

Looks like C needed a nap.