Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Manners are SO out this year...

Being a midwestern girl with more than a little in the way of "Southern Charm" I have always been brought up to believe that manners are pretty darn important. Aside from my occasional Tourette's-style bouts with language (meaning that I occasionally bust out a phrase or two that would make a sailor blush) I am what most would consider a very well-mannered individual.

I open (AND HOLD!) doors for people. I often give up the right of way, even though we both know it's mine, and I give people the nod and wave when they let me go first in situations where walking or driving they are kind enough to give it to me. If I bump into someone or step on their foot, I apologize profusely and make sure I didn't do any damage.

"Seems reasonable," you say? Well apparently manners are rapidly becoming as unpopular as requesting "The Macarena."

Based on observation conducted over the last couple of years, I think 2006 is going to be the "year of the RUDE."

People used to be nice... but it's tapering off, and with only a month left until the "year of the RUDE" officially sets in, people are working hard to get rid of any vestiges or indications that they ever had manners. In other words, it's the end of the year, and people are anxious to get a jump on the "year of the RUDE," so they have seemingly abandoned all senses of decency.

I have growing data collected daily, from nearly every human I encounter. It ain't pretty.

I might make myself unpopular by saying this, but I'm boycotting the "year of the RUDE" and I want you to do it too! (And I encourage all of you* to tell your friends to do the same!)

(*Readers from NYC are exempt from this, as manners in NYC have never been fashionable... Though as a reader of the Happy Hour, I'm sure your manners are delightful!)


I've noted that comments from people who actually know me personally have diminished to something very closely resembling nothing. I got a brief little something outta Ling-Wong on the Hamburglar post, but other than that, it's been a while since I've heard from any of you bitches! I guess it's fortunate for me that the out-of-towners who know me only through what I put up here have taken up the slack in spectacular fashion!


My brother, who had a court date on his birthday (for a LITTERING ticket!) got off with a $150 fine. Way to go bro! Fight the power!

Is this ever ok??

Ok, question time... is this EVER ok? I understand that this woman is a referee, and that she has long hair that she is trying to keep in check while she's busy working the game, but honestly, she opted for THIS??? What about a nice braid?? A bun? Hell, pull a Princess Leia and wear two buns that cover your ears like headphones... but don't EVER do THIS!!!!


I've got issues...

Ok, so I almost didn't post at all today... ALMOST.

Instead, I just got to it REALLY late. So it's likely that a lot of you won't even be seeing this until Thursday. That's fine, and quite frankly, my fault, but be sure to check back and refresh a couple times on Thursday, because I will be back at work and bored to the point of multiple entries again.

"But, Lizzle the Fabulous, why did you post so late on Thursday?" you ask.

I'll tell you. I slept obscenely late today. And by OBSCENELY, I mean REALLY RIDICULOUSLY LATE! (We're talking REALLY late here.) Why did I do such a thing? Because it's my day off, and I like sleep... and also because I didn't go to bed until 3 and I was dumb enough to think I still needed a sleeping pill to facilitate some Z's... and it most likely was necessary, though it gave me even more Z's than were really necessary. My apologies.


In other news, I am taking the Happy Hour Tunes down... There has been no real interest in the page, so I'll hang up my DJ hat for a while.


The title of the post indicates that I have issues. Yeah, it's true.

Now, I don't have plans to write out all my issues here in some feeble hope to work them all out with you, my DELIGHTFUL, WONDERFUL, SUPER, SUPERIOR, SUPERLATIVE, GLORIOUS, STUPENDOUS readers... I mean, I trouble you all with enough of my personal messes, lord knows you've been more than kind in tolerating that crap in the past, and I hope that continues for a good long time... Anyway... Let's just quickly touch on something that I feel is a bit of an issue.

The buddy list.

Lizzle the Fabulous has maxed out the ol' buddy list a few times, and has had to do some "house cleaning" in the past... Basically I've had to delete the names of people who I rarely, if ever, talked to.

You wouldn't think that would be such a loss, would you? But it is. Why? Because my buddy list is kind of like my own personal "Days of Our Lives." I don't watch soap operas, aside from the fact that I don't really watch TV at all, and the fact that they air during the day when I've never been able to be home to watch, I've never felt a need to even see what they are about. Why? Because I have my own personal soap-opera docked on the right-hand side of my computer screen! And it's being acted out by people I actually frickin' know!!!

Right now, I'm going to go ahead and admit to all of you that I suffer from CAMC. Yes. My name is Liz, and I am a Compulsive Away-Message Checker. (But I have my reasons!)

You'd be amazed at just how much information you can glean from other people's AIM profiles and away messages. You know who is dating who, who just broke someone else's heart, who just got their heart broken, where people are going, where they have been, and other assorted clues into their twisted psyches. It's actually quite interesting.

Of course you also get the cursory amusing away messages, and you know who always posts the funny away messages versus the ever-so-irritating "I'm currently away from my computer"

My own personal messes aside, I noted the away message of someone on my buddy list this evening, and it prompted me to nearly regurgitate the $4 cup of coffee I'd just imbibed.

You're just so curious aren't you... You're dying to know what it said! (I can tell you're just on pins and needles, waiting with baited breath.)

Ok, I'll tell you, but first a little background. Picture it... Sicily, 1926... (Golden Girls joke for those of you who didn't catch it.) Anyway, think of the most disgusting person you know. And I don't just mean physically disgusting, I'm talking physically disgusting coupled with the most awkwardly abrasive personality you can fathom... Yeah it's that bad. So this digusting person, who shall remain nameless for the time being, has the following away message up:

"C'mon! How many chances in your life do you get to sleep with someone like me?!"

Please allow me to be the first to say, GUH-ROSS! (Add a shudder in there for good measure!) And that I can easily tell you that while I don't know how many chances there would be (but I'm betting there would be plenty, because it seems unlikely to me that this person will EVER be in a position to turn down a chance to sleep with a sad sack who determined it to be a desirable, feasible option) that no matter how many chances presented themselves, I would easily and GLADLY turn them all down without batting an eye!


In other news, doctors carried out the first-ever FACE TRANSPLANT. Yeah... somebody who had their face ripped off by dogs (because my theory about dog attacks gets more evidence by the day!) got herself a new face. Delightful.

Wanna read more about it? Go here!


And that about does it for me! Take care loves, and be sure to check back for more updates Thursday!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Marcia, (Mar-CEE-ah,) of Pink Shoe fame wrote the following:

"Pretty much anything anyone I know has told me and then said, "Put that in your blog!"... My response to that is... get your own blog, put that in it, and then give me the link. I won't read it, though, because your blog ideas are BORING."

This inspired me to briefly rant about something...

We all know I have certain "rules and guidelines" that I follow with great fervor. One such guideline that I occasionally overlook in the interest of comedy is in regard to my QOTD feature. The guideline states that I don't quote myself just to have a quote of the day. I'm far more interested in what other people have to say, and I know what I said, so there really is no need to go quoting myself... One day I'll be noteworthy enough that someone else will be quoting me.

So... Back when I was much more reliable in keeping up with the quote of the day, my friends would constantly make note of things I said and say "OH MY GOD! That needs to be quote of the day!" To which I replied, "I don't quote myself!"

Rational thinking would lead someone to establish a blog or some other free page that was dedicated to all the funny things that I continually say. Apparently I am not worth the effort... which leads me to believe that perhaps I should read the proverbial writing on the wall... and so I did.

We haven't had any pictures in a while...

So here's a hot man...

And a dog dressed as Yoda...

So there's that...

Knowing that I will once again be (romantically speaking) be alone for yet another holiday season is kinda depressing. So last night I got to thinking. Not wanting to think of that nonsense, I decided to pop in a movie that was in no way related to the holidays... So what did I pick? "High Fidelity" starring John Cusack.

So I watched it... and there was the one line that struck a particular chord with the ol' Lizzle-cake.

"We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition."

Yep... I'm 23, and I've become convinced that I am destined to be alone... FOREVER.

So then I checked the assorted collection of internet news. One of the featured articles read something to the effect of "76 year old dies after being attacked by dogs." How uplifting... This headline only compounded my fears... I'll live miserable and alone until I am 76, and then I'll be eaten by a pack of wild dogs... So I have that to look forward to, which is nice.

Yeah sure, I have Anthony... And yeah sure he'll be my valentine, but honestly, that's not gonna do much of anything for either of us.

Crimeny, I need a good date or something!


Last night, prior to all the depressing mess, I went to the grocery. And I had an encounter which I can only describe as a "Bitch-on-the-street-moment." As I was walking in the door, a little old lady literally pushed me out of the way, so that she could go out through the IN door. She didn't say "Excuse me," or "Pardon," or any make any other gesture to assume blame for her rudeness...

Since I had just gotten off of work, I can easily say that I was not in the best of moods when this happened. So of course I had to let her know of her tresspass.

[Liz enters grocery, pushed out of way by rude/silent woman]
Liz: "Wow, could you be a little more rude, please? Because I don't think that was quite rude enough! You know there are OUT doors like 5 feet away?!? "
Little old woman: (Continued silence)
Liz: "OH! And a Merry fucking Christmas to you too!"

I recently quoted a friend who said something to the effect of, "I don't get it, old people can tell me to 'grow up' but I can't tell them to 'hurry up and die.' I think there's something wrong with that." Yeah, I was feeling that last night.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Talk about bored....

We all know by now that I get insanely bored at work. Today has been no exception.

Just how bored am I?

I have finished my book, and played games online all damn morning, and so this afternoon has been filled with a new amusement.

I have started playing with our security system. I've taken to teasing the motion detectors to see just how slow I have to move so as to avoid setting them off. I've also found all the spots where they seemingly can't detect any movement at all. Essentially I've got this place all mapped out for some burglary that I am too morally upright to actually commit.

God I'm such a dork.

A good belly laugh...

Want to have a good laugh today? Just follow these simple instructions.

Google the word "Failure" (Don't type in the quotes, just the word)

Hit the "I'm feeling lucky button."

Laugh heartily at the resulting page!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Weekend roundup.

WOW... It's been an interesting weekend. Lots of ground to cover, so without further ado, let's just jump right in.

Thanksgiving Thursday with the crazy Italians... I joined Anthony for Thanksgiving because I am too poor to go home for the holiday. We started off the day at Anthony's dad's place... for breakfast.
Now, on a day when over-eating is par for the course, skipping breakfast is advisable, unfortunately for me, it was not an option. We had originally planned just to go for a bagel and coffee, but somehow it turned into a whole meal. Bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns, juice, bagels and coffee were served.

Over breakfast we were treated to Kelly's take on life. (Oh JOY...) Now it should be noted that none of us really like Kelly, and Kelly only solidified this over the course of the meal. Anthony and I continually shot each other looks of disgust as she continually ran her mouth, spouting the kind of ignorance that you wouldn't even expect in a trailer park. I don't intend to repeat any of it here, because it was just a whole lot of unpleasant ugliness that is not my style, nor something that I agree with or condone in any way shape or form... Suffice it to say we left disgusted with the whole thing.

From there we proceeded to lunch with side of his family in what can most aptly be described as "Pleasantville." Husband, wife, grandma, grandpa, three kids and a dog... Seriously, all that was missing was the white picket fence.

This is the family that hasn't informed the kids that Anthony is gay... And even saying the word "sex" was apparently a taboo. GROSS.

So, after several hours of pleasantries and food in Pleasantville, we took our leave and headed to dinner at "Auntie Ro's" AKA the crazy Italians.

Auntie Ro had more food, more family, and of course, BUBI! Bubi is not really Anthony's grandmother, but she's kinda related tangentially... And I am so glad that she was there! Bubi is a 90 year old Jewish grandmother who should have her own sitcom! Being 90 she was kind of winding down as we got there, so I didn't get to spend much time getting to know her, but even in the 45 minutes or so that we shared, I could tell that all the stories I've ever heard about her were true, and I can only hope to see more of her in the future! We hung around at Auntie Ro's until about 1:30AM, and then headed back into the city... Where things make sense.

Friday started off plainly enough, I slept blissfully late and was milling around my apartment until about one when I get a call from Anthony. He is obviously upset, and I can hear the anxiety over the phone. (* It should be noted at this point that Anthony is TERRIFIED of rodents. Even hampsters wig him out.) Long story short, there is a mouse in his apartment and will I come over and protect him while he waits for the exterminator. So of course, I get my lazy ass ready and go over to Anthony's. We wait for the exterminator, and in the end, the mouse had already died by the time he got there, and it wasn't that big of a deal. While we waited, Anthony wanted me to kind of play up his version of the story, and make like I was the one who couldn't handle rodents. And because I am a good friend like that, I did. Of course I ramped up the girly factor and pretended like it was my problem even though it didn't bother me at all... And apparently the exterminator thought I gave an Oscar-worthy performance because he told us about how his girlfriend hated them too etc.

So to further ease his mind so that he could sleep Friday night, we went out boozing. We met up with some people and went to Roscoe's.

Roscoe's is obviously not the kind of place where I'm going to be meeting anyone of interest, so I just stood around, danced a bit, drank, and chatted up the fabulous gay men. And then I almost had to beat a bitch down. While walking from the back bar to the front, I felt a hand at my side. Knowing that I didn't know the bitch behind me, I reached down to remove the hand, which was actually a mother fucker who was trying to get into my purse and steal my money. Now I might have been raised elsewhere, but I have certainly become a bona fide CITY GIRL... And I had used up all of my manners on Thanksgiving. So I turn to the guy who just had his hand in my bag.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Uhhh... what?"

"Don't 'uhh...what?' me motherfucker, you just got caught, and it's clear that you don't know who the hell you're fucking with!"

He then proceeded to run off to the back and I lost him in the crowd. But make no mistake about it, I might have had heels on, and I might have been in a gay bar, (so it would've been entirely possible to prosecute me for a hate crime) but I could have and WOULD have beat a bitch down. I'll take one of those fabulous shoes off and pop a bitch in the face with a stiletto heel.

From Roscoe's we went to The Closet, and then to Charlie's. After closing Charlie's we went back to Anthony's and had a few more drinks. We went to bed at 6AM as the sun was coming up.

Needless to say, Saturday was kind of wasted in efforts to recover from such a long night out. And that brings us pretty much up to speed. It's Sunday night, and I'm here at work. ICK.



"Honey, you want this? It sucks! Here! Eat it, just cover it in whipped cream so you can't really taste it!" ~Bubi

"Girl, you gotsta get married so you can have a big party and claim all your fabulous prizes!" ~DJ

"I can't believe someone tried to pick your pocket! He definitely didn't know who he was trying to rob... Because if we'd have found him, he'd have gotten fucked up! I mean I'd have tried to help you and all, but I think in reality I'd have just stood on the sidewalk while you issued a beating... just making sure you didn't kill the guy... because I know when you wear THOSE heels, you ain't fuckin' around!" ~Anthony

Gia: "I made cupcakes... Don't tell anybody but while I made them I ashed in the batter on accident!"
Anthony: "Gia's cupcakes are REALLLLLLY GOOD!"
Liz: [whisper to Anthony] "The reason they're so good is because you haven't smoked all day, and she accidentally ashed in the batter... You're tasting the nicotine."
Gia: "You know it's just a baker's secret! You know, for that little boost of flavor!"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving, you crazy bitches!

First off, let me wish you a happy Thanksgiving! If you're one of the crazy ninnies who doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, then allow me to instead wish you a happy day off from someone who does celebrate the joys of Pilgrims, Indians, and the mass genocide of turkeys!

Who doesn't like a holiday when you are told to take a day off of work in order to gourge yourself on insane amounts of delicious holiday feasting goodness?!?!?


In related news, a few small suburban children are under the impression that I have a fabulous boyfriend... if only for the next several hours.

Allow me to explain.

I'm doing turkey-day with Anthony and his family... Now while I refer to Anthony as my fabulous gay husband, (and most of us know what that means,) and while Anthony is out to his family, he's got one of those crazy aunts... You know the kind. The ones who refuse to acknowledge homosexuality as a valid choice. Yeah... one of those.

Well apparently when Anthony told her that he was bringing me along, she told her children that I was Anthony's ""GIRLFRIEND"

I was slightly amused by this, and said, "Anthony, if I've gotta be your girlfriend, that's fine... whatever."

Anthony was obviously more peeved by the topic. He replied, "OH HELL NO, FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! I love you and all, but if I have to do the 'coming out' thing again, just so that those kids know the truth, I'll do it, my aunt'll get pissed off and we'll go one of the other 80 places that I'm supposed to eat tomorrow. But we're still going to have fun!"

So... for the moment, in the minds of a few suburban children, I am not the tragic singleton I've almost always been during the holiday season... instead, I have a fabulous boyfriend who knows how to dress himself, and has spectacular taste in shoes... Too bad for those kids... Reality will hit them, and hit them hard tomorrow afternoon. Oh well... Such is life.


As for the interview... I think things went well. I sure as hell don't know what they're thinking though. The guys who interviewed me were rather closed-mouthed about what they seemed to think of me. They didn't exactly tip their hand at any point in the interview which lasted 2 hours... (I take that to be a reasonably good sign.)

At the conclusion of the interview, they asked me to fill out a form so that they could start a background check... and since I know there isn't anything aside from a couple of really old traffic violations there for them to find, I think that'll go well enough. (Yeah, strangely enough, the lizzle-cake has kept her nose amazingly clean... which is remarkable because lord knows there were a few things I probably should've gotten pinched for.)

I'll know more in a week or so... So keep your fingers crossed!!!!


I got my heat fixed today. So that's working nicely. Turns out the building manager had to come to my place and "bleed the heating system" which basically means he had to bring in a hose, and get all the nasties out of the heating pipes... And I'm not being a "girly-girl" when I call them nasties... Basically there was black muck coming out of my pipes and that hose at high speeds for a good five minutes. ICK!


"Pennies are alive! Pennies are alive! Get them out of your pockets, they will eat your soul!!!" ~Some crackhead homeless woman I ran into today.

My mom called me a "girly girl"

Yeah... my mom called me a "girly girl" and I got mad.

Don't ask me why she called me a girly girl, because I don't really know how she came to that conclusion.

Also don't ask me why I got mad, because I'm not 100% sure I know why.

My take on it is that I don't want to be considered a "girly girl." If anything, I think I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, though falling somewhat short of "bull-dyke" status.

We went through this when I talked about being low-maintenance!

  • I like baseball... and beer.
  • I enjoy toilet humor.
  • I don't own a blowdryer.
  • I don't own a curling iron.
  • I don't own a hair straightener.
  • I don't own a bottle of hairspray.
  • I figure that if it can't be done to my hair using the pins, clips, and ponytail holders I already own, then it probably shouldn't be done to my hair.
  • I like running around in sweatpants.
  • I like my jeans, even if they have paint on them.
  • I don't have a subscription to Cosmo, or InStyle.
  • I read books.
  • I watch NBA Basketball.
  • I watch NFL Football.
  • I watch college football.
  • I watch college basketball.
  • I LOVE Quentin Tarrantino movies.
I think a lot of this qualifies me as being anti-girly-girl. But then again, I'm the sad, terminally-single girl who sits here and writes up all this mess for you kids to read and enjoy... what the hell do I know?

Welcome to my life.

Don't get mad at me, bitches!

Seriously, I'm not worried about you bitches getting all mad at me, I'm worried about the bitches I bartend for. I had one call me getting all pissy because the list of necessary party supplies I gave her was so long.

She was all like "I don't see how you don't bring anything, and we have to buy all this stuff, and we still have to pay you."

I always reply with the same response: "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, but those are all things that we need to run a full service bar, I don't bring anything other than my shaker kit, bartending tools and my skills, because it is your guests who will be consuming the beverages. And the reason my hourly wage is what it is, is because I trained and have the skills to quickly and correctly mix the drinks people order, so that they don't have to."

Just so we're clear, here's the list... (and I admit it is pretty long.) I send it in the form of an e-mail because it's easier for bitches to print it out and avoid misunderstandings about what I say over the phone. So here's the e-mail I send: (party of 50)

Dear Client X,

This is the list of necessary supplies for the party.

non-liquor needs:

3 - 2 liter bottles of Tonic water.
3- 4 2 liter bottles of Soda water.
2 - 2 liter bottles of Sprite or 7up
2- 3 2 liter bottles of Coke or Pepsi
1-2 2 liter bottles of diet coke or diet pepsi
1 gallon Orange juice
1-2 gallon(s) cranberry juice
1 large bottle of sweet & sour mix
Napkins (estimate 6 per guest)
Sip/stir sticks (estimate 4 per guest)
6 limes
3 lemons
1 small jar cherries
1 jar olives.
8-12 bottles of water.
Ice - Estimate 1 lb per guest, plus roughly 3-4 bags for beer and wine cooling

Alcoholic needs -

2-3 liters vodka
1-2 bottles whiskey
1 bottle rum (Jose Cuervo Gold mixes well with just about anything, and eliminates need for separate bottles of a light and a dark rum)
1 bottle bourbon
1-2 liters gin
1 bottle scotch
1 small bottle sweet vermouth
1 small bottle dry vermouth
1 bottle triple sec
1 bottle schnapp's apple pucker

6* bottles of wine - 4 white (chardonnay) 2 red (cabernet) (*You know the guests better than I do, so if there are a lot of wine drinkers, more wine is would be advisable)

6* cases beer - 3 cases regular beer, 3 cases light beer (*Again you know the guests better than I do, so if there are a lot of beer drinkers, more beer is advised)

When we spoke on the phone you mentioned you were wanting to do a couple kinds of specialty martinis, in the list I've included everything that will be needed to do apple martinis and cosmopolitans, if you have any additional specialty needs, contact me, and I can advise you on any additional needs.

I've noted in my experience that it is better to have too much rather than not enough, and you can always take unopend merchandise back to the liquor store.

Thank you, and I look forward to working for you.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to call me at (xxx)-xxx-xxxx!


And that's roughly the time I get phone calls... Don't ask me why, but apparently these bitches thought having an open bar and a hired-out bartender would be cheap... I don't know what gave them that idea... Silly bitches!


I'm getting all excited about my interview. Not because the job is so great, because it really isn't that great of a job, but the bitches pay well, and it will get me the hell out of the tanning business! Hell, they could offer to pay me in bananas and mangoes, and I'd probably still take it just to get the hell out of the tanning business!



I was at work the other night, and Cody, the bitch who beat me to the punch on being the first to quit came in to get his last paycheck. As he was leaving he told me he was running to the Jewel to get something to eat, and he asked me if I wanted anything... I was taken aback, because it was someone who was offering to do something nice for me... those bitches never offer to do anything nice for anyone, so it's clear we let go of the only decent person we had on staff.)

Cody: "Well, it was nice visiting with you."
Liz: "Yeah it was good to see you too! Don't be a stranger."
Cody: "Hey, I'm going to the Jewel to get something to eat, you want anything?"
Liz: "No, right now I'm ok, but thanks for offering! That is damn decent of you."
Cody: "Ehh it's nothing, I've had this shift before and I just know that while I was working I've been sitting there, ready to gnaw my arm off!"
Liz: "Well, I'm ready to gnaw my arm off, but more likely out of boredom than hunger."
Cody: "I know that feeling!"

Later I was on the phone with my mom

Mom: "Hey! How's everything going?"
Liz: "Ehh, I'm so hungry, to quote Cody, I'm ready gnaw my arm off."
Mom: "Better that than eating your toenails."
Mom: "What? I'm just trying to give you an alternative!"
Liz: "Well I think I'll stick to gnawing on my arm if it comes to that."
Mom: "That's fine, and you'll probably qualify for disability if you go on interviews with only one arm."

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

You like that?

You bitches seemed to get a real kick out of the Hamburglar post! (That "purple blob" referred to in the comments was actually named in the post... His name was Grimace... you bitches are going to have to pay closer attention, or you're never going to pass your final exam!)

I was astonished at the interest in this kind of post... I've made a note of it, and I'll be sure to post similar works more regularly! I don't even know how I came up with it... suffice it to say that I was REALLY BLOODY BORED.


Tomorrow (or today... Wednesday,) I have an interview for a new job! I'm excited about it, and they seem excited about me! So here's hoping that we can pool our collective enthusiasm and get me the hell out of the tanning business!

I also lined up jobs bartending at two private parties for the holiday season, so I'm not going to be eating out of a dumpster just yet! GO ME!


I'm writing this post before bed, and I will most assuredly update at some point tomorrow, because I will be bored, and my interview isn't until 6 PM, so I'll have to find a way to occupy my time. So just check back in! You know the routine!

The characters you loved as a kid... (The SINISTER Side!)

We all know that the world is a twisted place. That without light, there would be no dark. Without sadness, there would be no joy.

The polar nature of life also applies to those characters we so loved as children. When we were young and naive, we could only see the good in them, but with the more worldly eyes of adults, we can now see that there is a more sinister side to these public figures. This is the true Hollywood story of "The Hamburglar."

conceived as the "love child" of Ron Jeremy, and one of his many sexual conquests, Hamburglar had an unhappy childhood. He grew up the butt of constant jokes about his resemblance to his father, (though it should be noted that Hamburglar did not inherit his father's "endowment").

Using his father's Hollywood connections, Hamburglar quickly rose to child-icon status... But the glory days of stealing hamburgers from grimace and the fry-kids didn't last.

Hamburglar quickly gave in to the pressures of the Hollywood lifestyle, and took to the bottle.

Not knowing just how out of control the alcohol, and later many hard drugs, would make him, Hamburglar took to boosting cars, and kidnapping small children and selling them into slavery to support his habit.

This life of crime eventually caught up with the Hamburglar, and he took to cross-dressing to evade capture by authorities.

But the Feds weren't fooled for long.

One sad day, after several years of life on the lam, the Hamburglar was sold-out by his long-time wingman, and partner in crime, Ronald McDonald.

Infuriated by this betrayal, Hamburglar gunned down Ronald at a public function, and was quickly apprehended by federal agents.

Hamburglar is currently serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole at San Quentin penitentiary in California.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Computer is all better!!

I realize what must've happened. I ran a virus check last night and apparently I deleted something I needed. Woops.

So I did a quick system restore, re-ran the virus check, and went through everything manually to find out what they thought was wrong, and what I did actually need.

Problem solved.

Pretty flower back on the desktop. Passwords back where they should be, and all is right with the world!

Except for the fact that I am still at this piece of shit job, but that isn't something I can fix right now without the cooperation of others. Such is life though.

SON OF A....

Yeah, I'm kinda pissed.

When I left my place, bound for work this morning, the only things I was particularly upset about were the facts that I was up that early, I was up that early because I had to go to work, and that I was up that early to go to work for the ungrateful bastards at L.A. Tan.

And then I got to work.

And I turned on my computer.

And something was wrong.

Don't ask me what the hell is going on, because I haven't been able to figure it out. For some reason all of my customizations are gone. All my files are still here, but nothing that I customized. My desktop isn't the pretty flower that it usually is... instead it's a general blue screen. My passwords weren't saved anymore. My instant messenger didn't start automatically. Stuff I'd taken off the startup bar was back on the startup bar... I don't know why, because everything was fine when I left this morning.

I swear, one of these days I'm going to chuck this thing out the window!


Marcia, I saw your comment on the quotes about how my friends are cooler than yours... and I'm confused! I think most of my friends are pretty lame... but they are my kind of lame, and I love them.

What on earth would make you think that my friends are cooler?


I've finally taken down the cheese-refrigeration poll. In the end, it turns out that most people just want free samples... Those that weren't after the free samples were several times more likely to be put-off by unrefrigerated cheese.

A total of 4 votes were ok with unrefrigerated cheese.

That makes me feel a little better.


I didn't get molested by the sex-offender customer that we apparently have. He didn't come in. I didn't have to deal with him. I am glad for that... because I will kick a bitch in the nuts, mace him in the face, and run away screaming bloody murder if I gotta!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Yesterday was a GOOD day.

So, for those of you who have anxiously awaited news of my idea, I'll give you a few details now... I still can't give away the whole idea, because it's not officially ours yet, so that's something you're going to have to wait for. (If nothing else, it'll keep you coming back for a little while.)

So here's what the idea relates to:

We are trademarking a phrase for use on a line of products.
The phrase is frickin awesome! But it cost me a lot!
We filed for it yesterday... It took us a week to do all the research we wanted to do in order to get what we wanted and to do everything we needed to do in order to protect ourselves.
We should know in a few weeks if we got it.
If we end up getting it, you'll be talking to one wealthy girl!


I got roped into working today... don't ask me how, but someone screwed up the schedule, and I wasn't supposed to work but here I am.

When I got in, the person who worked the shift before me told me that apparently we have a customer who is a registered sex offender... apparently there is a note on his account to call the police. But since he hasn't done anything in our salon, we can't really call the police. She then told me if I felt at all uneasy, I should go ahead and call the police anyway... GREAT... Just what I need! Some nasty child molester making me feel uneasy enough that I am prompted to call the cops... that's just brilliant!

I don't want to get molested working here!

Oh who am I kidding, I don't even want to work here... I'm just praying that the trademark goes through without a problem, and I can get the hell out of here!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Some quotes:

I've been REALLY REALLY bad about keeping up with the quotes of the day ever since I abolished the date system, so here are a few I've compiled lately (Sorry!)


"I need to run to a Walgreens... What I really need is one with a drive-thru that will hand me tampons out the window!" ~ Anon.

"I've gotta stop talking to you... you know all my best stories! We're never going to have anything to talk about!" ~Anthony

"I know what I want do do with the rest of my life! I want to go to lunch! I'm convinced this is brilliant... every day from 11-3 I'm going to lunch, and that's it!" ~ Anthony

"I have horror stories about my experiences with public transit... Though I admit, they are nowhere near as bad as yours, Liz, but still... They're bad for me... But you... you have stories that boggle the mind!" ~Caroline

"WOOOOOO GO GOLD SQUAD!!!" ~ Two guys who were cheering on what is quite possibly the WORST dance team in god's creation.

"You should be a spy! I look at you, and I'd never guess you spoke chinese! ... How do you say goodbye in Spanish? [Liz: "Adios."] See!! You're a blonde girl! People would never suspect you're a spy!" ~ Some old guy who lives in my building

"Forget counseling people! Counsel animals! The animals have no way of telling anyone that you haven't solved their problems!" ~ The same old guy.

Dani: "Son of a bitch, motherfucker!"
Mike: "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
Dani: "Yeah, and I also blow random guys I meet in bars with this mouth, what's your point motherfucker?"

Emily: "Have you seen my pants?"
J.C.: "What pants?"
Emily: "My grey pants... You know, the comfy ones."
J.C.: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you wearing them?"
Emily: "Well I'll be a mouse's niece on Thursday! You're right. Thanks!"
J.C.: "Glad to be of service to you."

Molly: "You better drink that! There are sober people in Africa!"
Becky: "Screw Africa, there are sober people here!"
Joe: "I dunno about the sober people in Africa... I keep getting e-mails from Nigeria, and I'm pretty sure nobody is sober there!"

Friday, November 18, 2005

Video change!

Video of the week has been updated! Check it out, it's a hot, upbeat tune this week! You're gonna love it!

I've had a little work done...

Ok, so after I amazingly accomplished all three things I set out to do today before 2 PM, I decided to work on the blog a bit.

I fiddled with the sidebar, so that things are more clearly organized, because it was a total mess before, and I think I'm happy with the results. Let me know what you think.

I also made some plans for the weekend, thus preventing me from sadly drinking and dancing all alone in my apartment... which is really awful on a couple of different levels.

So there you have it. The sidebar is better organized, the plans are set, and the check is in the mail! (Actually there is no check in the mail, because I am too poor to be mailing off checks.)

You kids try to behave yourselves, and enjoy the weekend! I'll be frolicking around with my new haircut, and my bunny-fur-lined gloves, and it will be stupendous!


You sexy beast!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

A quick question:

Ok, so as someone who compulsively does laundry, I am here to pose a question.

Why do I have to wash my bath robe?

Let's think about this.

  • I don't wear my robe for long enough for it to grow fungus and become a part of me.
  • I only wear it when I get out of the shower. So I know I'm clean when I've got it on. (And unlike K-Fed, I shower every day... so I know I don't have lingering fungi.)
  • I only wear it for about 20 minutes at any given time.
  • I generally have my PJs safely between me and my robe.
  • It's hung up on a hook in my closet when I don't have it on.

So I'm clean, the robe is clean, I don't wear it long, and I don't do anything to sully it's pristine condition... so why do I have to wash it?

Don't think me uncouth, because I do wash it. Regularly. But I just got to thinking about this as I was washing it a few days ago, and to be honest, I'm kinda puzzled... Your thoughts?


I have the weekend off again, so what am I going to do with myself? Tomorrow will be spent accomplishing three things:

  1. Tracking down my rabbit-fur-lined gloves, because they are fabulous, and it's frickin' cold as a well-digger's ass here!
  2. Drink coffee in a local cafe while doing research and talking to an attorney about my idea.
  3. Get a frickin haircut, because my head needs some love.

Aside from that, I'll probably be drinking large quantities of red wine, watching movies, and dancing in my apartment. (Murphy will be rockin' out too, but he prefers to dance in the safe confines of his aquatic home.)


I've heard the new Madonna album in its entirety, and it's hot. All of it, with the exception of the one lyric in the song "I Love New York" when she sings "I don't like cities... But I like New York...Other places make me feel like a dork."

Seriously Madge, you couldn't come up with anything better??? I mean really, lot's of things rhyme with York... like Snork, pork, or Mork...

There aren't nearly enough songs about snorks, pork, or Mork!



And now, a picture of a giraffe who just wants to eat grass and be friends with you!

And since we've got him here, and I'm in an inquisitive mood, I just gotta ask, why do giraffes have those silly things on their heads?? They look like lollipops covered in fur... Silly giraffe with silly furry lollipop things on his head!

Nothing else to do...

So here I sit at work, bored out of my mind, and I got to thinking, "What is the most random thing I could possibly be doing here at work, where I have no customers?" Typically I watch movie trailers, chat on instant messenger, or just play tetris, but the fact of the matter is that I have watched all the movie trailers, and most of my friends have real jobs, or they actually attend classes, and I've played enough tetris to make my eyes bleed.

Here's a list of what I came up with to do as an alternative:
  • Google random collections of words just to see what comes up.
  • Dance down the hallway. (Lost it's appeal after about 30 min.)
  • Look for a new job.
  • Blog about how bored I am at work. (I think we have a winnner!)
So here I am... bored out of my skull, just hoping someone will sign on so that I can go play literati on yahoo.

I don't know what else to do with myself. If you kids come up with any bright ideas, please let me know, and I'll be sure to give them a try!

And now, here's a picture of a huge ass camel.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I found a fortune... and it excites me!

Yeah, as I was cleaning today I found a fortune. (From a fortune cookie) It was in a cookie I'd had last week... On Thursday I think. The day I had it is only important because of what the fortune said. It reads: "A new venture will be a success." This excites me because only two days later I came up with my brilliant idea, and well... if the fortune cookie thinks it's gonna be a success, and I think it's gonna be a success, then it might very well be HUGE!!!! GOOOOOO MEEEEEEE!

And if it is as big of a success as I think it will be, I'll be tracking down the person who wins the Margaret Perrin Bobblehead doll from E-Bay, and I'll be buying it for Michael K! Because he's a hot slut and he deserves a bobblehead of the God Warrior herself!


On an unrelated note, it is officially cold in Chicago. (That's no revelation to those of you in the Windy City, I know.) But we amazingly held off our first snow of the season until November 16... That's frickin amazing!


The big toe is still the captain of the toes!


I should also mention that 4 +1 finally launched the website a couple days ago. Please stop in and show some love... We want as much hubbub as we can get about this thing!! It's a non-profit organization that is all about teaching tolerance and acceptance of others, and we think it's important! (And I'm a frickin board member, so it's a big deal to me!)

UPDATE: Ok, so I just checked, and for some reason the site is down, but keep checking back, because it's worth it!


Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a couple glasses of wine while watching a movie, and then I'll be going to bed. (Check back repeatedly for updates tomorrow, because I'll be working the morning shift, and lord knows I get frickin bored at work!)

It's my day off...

It's my regularly scheduled day off from contemplating suicide and watching movie trailers online, so I slept late, donned a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and set out to enjoy myself... by cleaning my apartment.

So as I was cleaning I found my Chanel sunglasses in the bathroom. Since this is clearly not where they are supposed to be, I put them on my head so that once I was done cleaning the bathroom I would put them with my other sunglasses on top of my dresser... but I forgot about them.

So I have since done two loads of laundry in the community laundry room, gone outside a few times for assorted business, washed my dishes, vacuumed and made my bed... looking like a damn fool.

Picture it: It's an overcast/snowy November day in Chicago. I've got my hair in a ponytail. A raggedy old pair of adidas soccer sandals on my feet. A pair of Loyola Athletics sweatpants, a race for the cure t-shirt, a Loyola soccer windbreaker (for ventures outside) and a pair of Chanel sunglasses perched atop my head.

I look like a damned fool.

But I'm ok with that... because it's MY DAY OFF!

The rules apply to everyone except us...

Ok, so I read today that we freely admitted to using white phophorous in our little war on terrorism... That's just great.

This is sending the message that once again we feel like we are above the rules that govern modern warfare... And then we proceed to bitch about how other countries are producing weapons that use similar tactics?

Don't get me wrong, I dislike terrorists as much as the next god-fearing citizen of earth, but chemical warfare ain't cool. I mean really, we don't want this shit used, we go to war in iraq because we think they are producing weapons of mass destruction and chemical arms that violate some rules of warfare set forth in Geneva or wherever, and then we go ahead and use the same stuff? That shit ain't cool... It's no wonder the rest of the world hates our guts.

What does that tell you...

I'm a 23 year old girl who doesn't own a hair dryer. I rarely, if ever, paint my fingernails. I drink beer. I don't make my bed in the morning. I do my dishes one at a time to avoid having a sink full of nasties later. I am perfectly content to sport a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans with paint on them. I have 14 pairs of shoes, including 6 pairs of sandals/ flip-flops.

What does all of this tell you?

It tells you that despite my exquisite taste in many things, I am LOW MAINTENANCE. Yeah, you read that right, LOW MAINTENANCE.

Does this mean I don't know how to apply make-up, NO. Does this mean I don't know how to dress myself, NO. Does this mean I bathe about as frequently as Kevin Federline, NO. What it does mean, is that I'm perfectly content to keep it as simple as possible. I'm perfectly content to cook a meal on my own stove, and watch a movie on the couch or read a book as opposed to going out and spending a small fortune on dinner and a show in the city.

You'd think boys would be beating down my door for a chance at me... but they're not. So that begs the question, WHY?

My theory is that they are threatened by a girl who knows more about baseball than they do. Or that they don't know what to do with a girl who is perfectly happy to "be just one of the guys."

I don't know how else to explain it.

You kids got any theories?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Today could be your lucky day.

First things first. The video of the week is up and running again, so please feel free to hop on over and check it out! (You won't be disappointed, because as Anthony knows, I have hot taste in music.)

In addition to my hot taste in music, I also have an affinity for Craisins. These things are awesome. If you like cranberries at all, craisins can make life worth living again!

Hell, between the craisins and Grape Kool Aid, I don't know what to do with myself! If I had an egg roll, a little cheese, or some vodka I think I'd say I'd be downright peachy!

I hear you saying, "But Liz, enough of the gastronomical conversation, why might it be our lucky day?!?!" Well, I'll tell you. I talked to someone this morning about a job, and if all goes well, then I'll be out of this hell-hole. Getting out of here means I'll stop bitching about it, and that means you don't have to read my continual tirades on the subject, thus it will be a lucky day not only for me, but for you as well! (Don't act like you're not thrilled to hear I might be getting out of here!)

I think it's safe to say I now know what a prisoner who has just gotten paroled feels like... and let me tell you, IT IS GLORIOUS!


B!tch On The Street (BOTS) runs a regular feature called "Bitches We Hate" and it's a feature that I have come to love. So far I have yet to disagree with any of the picks. This week's pick, for example, is Cameron Diaz... and lord knows I hate that bitch! Other recent picks include Celine Dion, and John Basedow... SERIOUSLY, These are some bitches that we all love to hate, and we must unite to stop them!! (I also REALLY HATE Tony Little and Tony Robbins. THOSE BITCHES NEED TO BE STOPPED NOW!)

Although not in the formal "Bitches We Hate" columns, BOTS often runs through basic rules of public etiquitte. For example, a recent post addressed the unabashed guy who farts in enclosed spaces, like a train or an elevator.

This morning I had a run-in with a breaker of those generally accepted rules... the creepy smiler. Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but this is something that I think is unique to Chicago, as I know New Yorkers are famous for being equally likely to step on your face as look at you, and Chicago has a reputation for being "nice and friendly" despite its size... But anyway, back to the creepy smiler.

Here's my tale: This morning while on my way to work, I was seated on the train, several stops from my destination, when a rather large, creepy-looking gentleman boarded the train and sat across from me. I was without my usual reading material, so I was forced to find other means of occupying my line of sight once I realized the guy was still looking at me... and not only was he looking at me, he had a REALLY creepy smile on his ugly mug. And it stayed there for the entire duration of my ride... and there was no mistaking that it was directed at me.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for people smiling and having a good time, but there are also norms about staring at people and smiling that must be abided by. And this wasn't so much a kindly smile as it was a disturbing LEER... The kind that gives any normal person the heebie jeebies.

Normally under the circumstances I'd have made some smart-ass remark as I left the train, or I'd have done something else to make him feel like a jerk, but given his size, and the fact that I didn't want to be found dead and likely violated in a dumpster later, I just got off the train at my stop and kept my cool.

But the creepy smiler is a problem... and he must be stopped! The bitches we hate must all be stopped!!!

Monday, November 14, 2005

This is where my toes go...

It's been a long time since we've had an addition to "This is where my toes go" and so I thought it was time to update. These are my toes sitting rather unhappily at work. (The unhappiness comes from being at work, and not from the fabulous croc mules!)

I'm not the only one who was pissed off...

So I came into the salon today, and found that the guy who worked the shift before me was apparently equally disgruntled with the assorted bullshit involved with this job. He quit. So we're hiring now.

Earlier today the heat was finally turned on! Yeah, it's the middle of NOVEMBER and we JUST NOW got heat. How fucked up is that?


Nothing else of much interest to report... It's a slow news day people.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sorry for the little hiatus...

I know that not everyone comes here during the weekends, so this apology is limited in scope.

Sorry I haven't posted for a couple days, but I've been busy. I've spent the last couple of days with Anthony, and I must say it was EXACTLY what I needed! Friday night we went to Roscoe's and Berlin... and I was bitten by some guy who tried to make out with me, but it just wasn't workin! (All teeth, it was probably the worst makeout ever!) But that bitch bit me... not once, but TWICE!

Seriously, who in their right mind (over the age of three) bites someone? Crazy bitches, that's who!

Anyway, I've got a brilliant idea, and I see it being huge, but you're going to have to wait to find out about it. (I want to get it trademarked before I make any kind of public announcement.)

Just keep coming back... you'll learn more in the next few weeks! (But in the meantime, you all better go out and buy some Depends undergarments, because when you hear about it, you're going to shit your pants!)

Heart you!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Well, that's just... just... well... BRILLIANT!

I bet you're all wondering how the interview went... You are, aren't you? Well... It's kinda funny really... I think I actually got the job, and they are offering me incredible sums of money, but there's a catch or two. Basically I'd be selling insurance to union members... and while that's all well and good, I don't think that very many people are going to want to buy insurance from a 23 year old. The fact that I don't have a car is also a big catch. I'd need a car in order to pursue this job. And as we all know, I don't have one, and given current finances, I can't afford to just go out and get one. The other catch is that the job is 100% commission based. That means if I don't sell anything, I don't see a dime. That's a problem. Especially during the first couple of weeks when I'd be training... because at that point, I'm not the one doing the selling, I'd just be training... So that's NO INCOME AT ALL for 2 weeks... That's a no go.

So basically, I nailed the interview, and I'm what they want, but I can't take it. MOTHERBITCHES!

Oh well, at least I've still got my interviewing skills finely tuned.


The brilliant thing that I mentioned in the title of this post actually came later. I hung out with Anthony all afternoon, and he decided to show me a fun little trick on Google.

With the help of, I have figured out exactly what it is that I need. But Liz, how is that possible, you ask? I'll tell you. I went to Google, and I typed in "Liz needs..." and Google informed me exactly what it is that I need! (Some of them were right on point, and some of them were just pure comedy, but either way, I've compiled the list of my needs for you here!)

Liz needs...
  • Liz needs real love.
  • Liz doesn't need a boy right now...Liz needs a MAN!
  • Elizabeth needs to stick around, and be featured a bit more.
  • Elizabeth needsto find something quick.
  • Elizabeth needs to read Robert’s fine print.
  • Liz needs to put a lid on it!
  • Liz needs to be laundered.
  • Liz needs to be given open board positions.
  • Elizabeth Needs Protection.
  • Elizabeth needs both counseling and an attorney.
  • Liz needs catchy slogan.
  • Liz needs help.
  • LIZ needs teeth.
  • Liz needs more coffee.
  • Liz needs to devise a budget and stick to it.
  • Liz needs to make her spending consistent with her priorities.
  • Elizabeth needs to be loved, pursued and reassured.
  • Elizabeth needs an arena for excellence.
  • Liz needs to concentrate on her own relationship.
  • Liz needs help, but she doesn't want to involve the police.
  • Liz needs her arms and legs snapped off.
  • Liz needs real love to keep going.
  • Liz needs to live in Hawaii and have her own pineapple field.
  • Liz needs a bad boy.
  • Liz needs your suppport!
  • Liz needs to fill the void.
  • Liz needs help while you two discuss overpriced paint.
  • Liz needs to increase the dividend – a lot.
  • Liz needs more information ...
  • Liz needs to grow up.
  • Liz needs to answer the ghost's plea.
  • Liz needs a gun for protection.
  • Liz needs to build a small sum.
  • Liz has no need for life insurance.
  • Liz needs to have her tonsils removed!
  • Liz needs all of our help with this project.
  • Liz needs one more taste of Liz's oozing pastry.
  • Liz needs a lot of straw for bedding and feeding her animals.
  • Liz needs a friend in her tribe that will be taken away from her.
  • Liz needs to be taught a few things about fire safety.
  • Liz needs a safe trip.
  • Perhaps all Liz needs is the proper coat.
  • Liz needs some alone time.
  • Liz needs compensation.
  • Liz needs to sit Lucky down and say that they need split up and go their own way.
  • Liz needs a holiday now and then.
  • Elizabeth needs some level of distance to understand.
  • Elizabeth needs the essences of some of the creatures that roam the lands.
  • Liz needs to look at it the other way.
  • Liz needs sleep.
So that's what I need apparently. And to be honest, there's not one thing on there that I'm really going to dispute... except maybe the one about the ghost's plea... I don't know that there are any ghosts pleading for my answer, but if they are, I guess I'm ok with that too.

(I especially liked the one that said I needed to move to Hawaii and have my own pineapple field! Let's work on that!!)


Seriously, give google a try, find out what it is that you need!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Ok, this is entirely unneccesary...

I read this article while at work today... and I'm kind of flabbergasted. It's noting that those crazy bitches in Japan have come up with a MICROWAVEABLE BRA. I'm pretty sure this "Revolutionary idea" is something that most of us can live without.

I'm just speaking as one woman here, but as a member of the breasted sex, I have never experienced problems with keeping my tits warm.

Seriously, think about this ladies... In all your days, have you or your friends ever uttered the phrase, "Jeez, the rest of me is perfectly warm, but doggonit, my boobs are FREEZING!" I know I haven't.

I can think of many times that I've been VERY VERY cold, like waiting forty five minutes for a train at 4 AM in February with Chicago's bone-chilling winds a-howlin' away... and even then my boobs weren't cold. In fact, I'd venture to say that my boobs were probably where the last vestiges of heat in my body were concentrated.

Now admittedly, there have been times when I've been cold and there have been times when my boobs reacted... thus the need for uttering, "Christ! It's fucking cold! I think my nipples are so hard they could cut glass!" But I don't recall my boobs actually being the cold body part I was worried about.

I've never seen any coverage on any mountain climbers losing their boobs to frostbite while climbing Everest or anything... So why do we need this?


If you really have a need to keep the twins warm, may I be the smart ass who points out that you should probably invest in a good sweatshirt, sweater, jacket, or coat. Hell, get one of those puffer vests... those are in this year!

My teeth are rotting out of my head...

Well, maybe they're not... but it's possible.

I don't know this could be happening, because I have impeccable oral hygiene. My mom works in a dental office, so I have regular checkups twice a year, I brush 2-3 times a day, I floss, I use listerene... So why do I think my teeth are rotting out of my head?

As many of you already know, the Lizzle cake is somewhat accident prone. When in Liz's company, it is not at all uncommon to hear a thud, rapidly followed by something like, "OW! SON OF A BITCH!" I would try counting for you all how many times I stub my toes, or hit my head, or trip up the stairs, or trip on nothing while walking down the street in a given week, but I can assure you that the figures would climb to astronomical levels, and I would lose track. Suffice it to say that it's a LOT.

And I'm ok with that.

I was good at athletics though... Never an unintended fall on the field or the court. Funny how that works out.

(I suck at basketball though... I freely admit that.) I digress...

So, back to my rotting teeth.

In the last few days I have bumped my head a few times... (Ok, more than a few times, but that's beside the point.) The thing is, when I have bumped my head I've noticed slight twinges of pain in my teeth. I don't think I'm hitting my head hard enough to shake teeth loose or anything, but I am apparently hitting my head hard enough to make them hurt... This is a downer! I'm not talking excruciating pain or anything, just little twinges that make me wonder if there's something going on with my teeth... because I've been hitting my head for 23 years now, and this is a rather new development. I don't know if this is normal.

They don't have support groups for this kind of thing... and had nothing helpful to add on the topic as you can see here.

You kids don't have this problem, do you?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


I just read an article about a terrorist who blew himself up to avoid capture. In short, the article said that he was known as "Demolition Man" because of his skills with explosives... And yet he blew himself up.

Seriously, the guy didn't want to get caught... That's fine. I'd even go so far as to say that's understandable. When you're a terrorist, and people are hunting you down, not wanting to be caught is probably your top priority, or maybe it falls in a close second to actual terrorism, but either way, you know he had it on the brain.

What I don't get is why this bitch blew himself up. Seriously, there've gotta be better ways to go! I mean REALLY... BLOWING YOURSELF UP!?!?! You're a demolitions expert and you couldn't think up something creative as a diversion so that you could get away? You couldn't have blown something else up as a diversion and then gotten away in the confusion? You couldn't have dug a tunnel and then blown up the entrance to it behind you as you ran away? That's just lame! Doesn't sound like such an expert terrorist to me! But then again, what am I? I'm just a twenty-something white american. I'm the infidel!

And really, if you're hell bent on killing yourself, you couldn't have done something a little more creative with it? Like running in and blowing up a tanning salon or something while you're at it? Seriously, I wouldn't have minded at all... It was totally my day off!

Oh well. I better stop this now, or I'm going to get flagged by the FBI, CIA, ATF, and all those other agencies because I'm giving these bitches ideas!


Yeah, bitches, today is my day off! And I couldn't be happier about it!!!

Actually I could be happier, but that would require having money in my bank account to facilitate a shopping spree, but under the circumstances I'm pretty happy with just the day off.

So what am I doing with this glorious day off? I'm painting my toenails, I'm cleaning my apartment, and I'm just generally lounging about and enjoying myself. (Not necessarily in that order.)


If you haven't already, please take a look at those tornado pictures!


In case you haven't noticed, I added two links to the sidebar, because I like to show my readers a little love! (You should show them love too, because y'all are some quality people like that!)

I've got to get some stuff done now, or I just won't do it, and that can't happen, so I'll catch up with you hot bitches later... Be good!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Third post in a day... you bitches are lucky I have nothing else to do!

I am updating again because I just found out that I have an interview Friday... Let's hope those bitches like them some Lizzle cake! (SERIOUSLY, Keep your fingers crossed!)


I also ran across a bunch of pictures from home since the tornado in a friend's profile. These pictures are from her neighborhood in Newburgh, (Warrick County,) which saw relatively little damage. (I say relatively, because as you'll see, there's still PLENTY of damage.) The brunt of the damage was sustained by Ellis Park racetrack in Kentucky, and in the southern parts of Evansville, (Vanderburgh County).

Go here and click the slide-show option.

I'm thankful that all my friends and family are safe and sound!


I added that little feature down at the bottom of the sidebar there, and based on the results, I am worthless. Figures.

But, if I were to link to things like Paris, Paris riots, John Tierney, Baseball star charged with attempted murder, Ajax, and the now-defunct Grokster, things change a little bit!

Sometimes a girl just needs a hug...

Today is one of those days for me... it's 8:17 AM, and I'm already sure of it. I've been here before... in fact, I've been here for quite some time.

You know where I'm talking about, that place where you're just scraping bottom. And like they say, "It can always be worse..." so essentially, knowing my luck/karma, I'm just waiting for the bottom to drop out. At which point I will reach what I can only assume to be the very bottom, and at the rate things have been going, I'll likely end up digging from there. (Hopefully not in a dumpster.)

Yeah, I'm kind of miserable today, and I'm surely not good company, so you'll have to excuse me. I know that people like Ling Wong only come here for drunken stories and funny satirical remarks on assorted things, but I'm not feeling up to it today. Here's to hoping things take a turn in the REALLY near future... Lord knows I should soon reach the very bottom... but knowing me anything is possible... Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The scissors are looking SOOOOO tempting...

So here I sit at the salon, working a wretched 9 hour shift. (I've been here 2 hours and not had a single client... Talk about time dragging) And at the moment the scissors are looking really tempting, because if they aren't sharp enough to slit my wrists, I could always repeatedly jab them into my chest... (but it would be such a shame to ruin such exquisite breasts.)

If I didn't think they'd just haul my lifeless body on top of the heap-o-trash out back, mop up the bloody mess, and carry on with business as usual, I might actually consider doing it.


I was kind of bored last night, so I started going over old posts... The result, I realized that the writing here has really fallen off lately in terms of quality. I ran across posts that I didn't remember writing, though I obviously did, and I was literally laughing out loud while alone in my apartment. The QOTDs alone are worth going back to view! I realize that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am no longer in contact with some of the funniest bitches I know. (Note to self: must re-establish contact, if only for the sake of QOTD!)


I would keep a running journal of events while I'm here at work, but I'm afraid that it would either put you, my loyal reader, to sleep, or cause you to call some mental health professionals because you'd see just how often I stare longingly at those scissors...

To be honest, I think I'd have already gone bonkers if it weren't for the blessed, though belated, return of my computer... My internet connection/addiction, and my itunes are the only things that have kept me from totally losing it in the last week... Well, that and the use of legal substances.


Kirsten (aka - The Admiral.) sent me one of those cheesy e-mails where you answer a bunch of questions about yourself and send it off to all your friends... usually I don't participate in those things, but since I am extremely bored at the moment, I gave it a whirl. Here's what I had to say: (If you get bored enough, copy and paste the body of this into an e-mail and shoot it my way... my e-mail is in the sidebar there.)

1. What is your occupation? Private event bartender, and bitch for the tanning industry.
2. What color is your underwear? Pink plaid.
3. What are you listening to right now? Switchfoot. (ITunes is on shuffle.)
4. What was the last thing you ate? Uh... A cough drop. If that doesn't count, then I had chicken noodle soup.
5. Do you wish on stars? Every chance I get.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Cerulean blue.
7. How's the weather right now? 60 and overcast... not bad for Chicago in November
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Kevin.
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Quite a lot, actually.
10. How old are you today? 23.
11. Favorite drink? non-alcoholic - Water. Alcoholic - Vodka cranberry.
12. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball.
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes... I don't remember what my natural color really looks like
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? no
15. Pets? My fish, Murphy... (He's the only one that lives with me at the moment.)
16. Favorite month? June.
17. Favorite food? Cheese.
18. What was the last movie you watched? Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
19. Favorite day of the year? August 18th, my mom's birthday (Because she never lets us do anything special any other times, but it's cool to celebrate momma for a day!)
20. What do you do to vent anger? Rant EXTENSIVELY, repeatedly, and then I write about it.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? a refrigerator box that we used to roll down hills in.
22. Fall or Spring? Spring. (Fall has my birthday, but spring has SPRING TRAINING!)
23. Hugs or kisses? I hug everybody, but I love a good kiss! (Kisses win.)
24. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry, BITCHES!
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Eh, why not. It'll kill a few minutes at the salon.
26. Who is most likely to respond? Dunno, don't really care.
27. Who is least likely to respond? See above.
29. When was the last time you cried? My Grandma's funeral... RIP Gran!
30. What is on the floor of your closet? My shoe rack, my ironing board, and a box of papers.
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Umm, my brother. We weren't friends there for a while, but we're cool again, so he's got a 23 year span.
32. What did you do last night? Washed dishes, took out the trash, changed Murphy's water, read old blog entries.
33. Favorite smell? Men's cologne, (on my clothes!)
34. What inspires you? Lots of things... really depends on my mood.
35. What are you afraid of? Rejection... and dying alone.
36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Uhh, I don't eat hamburgers, but if you make it a turkey burger, I'll take it cheesy!
37. Favorite car? Tie, Jeep Wrangler & New or Classic Ford mustang.
38. Favorite dog breed? Boxer or Siberian Husky.
39. Number of keys on your key ring? 4.
40. How many states have you lived in? 3. Kentucky, Indiana, and Illinois. I'm continually moving up!



I was talking with someone about smoking on the el platform (which is technically illegal) and these gems came up, but to protect the individuals identities, I will leave them as anonymous:

"Yeah, I was smoking on the el platform the other day, and some lady comes up to me and says, 'you know those things'll kill you, right?' and I looked at her, and looked amazed at my cigarette, and said 'REALLY?? GREAT!!! Now, how about you leave me alone so I can hurry up and die!'" ~Anon.

"Yeah, I really hate it when I'm standing on the platform, really enjoying a good smoke, and all of a sudden I hear the 'VOICE OF GOD' over the CTA speakers sqwaking at me to put it out because there's no smoking on CTA property. Damn cameras... Damn CTA VOICE OF GOD!" ~Anon.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Yeah, a tornado hit my hometown... thanks for your concern.

I know this is probably really awful of me, taking a natural disaster and relating it back to me, but I'm doing it because I'm an asshole like that.

So last night at about 2 AM, not long after I left that bogus bartending gig, a tornado ripped through my hometown. Fortunately for me, none of my family or friends live in a trailer park, so they're all ok. My uncle had a tree come in through his front window, and a tree fell on the room across from my grandma's room at the nursing home, but all in all my people made it out unscathed. (There's a first time for everything!)

I thank the few friends who called me to check and see if my family was ok, y'all are some awesome bitches! (And to those of you who would've called, you're ok too)

In unrelated news, I still hate my job. (I got a paycheck today, and it was laughable!!) And I am still sick... but I went in to work for those bitches anyway. And did I get a single word of praise for that? No. I'm telling you all, that I won't feel at all bad about telling those bitches that I'm done, and that I'm not giving them ANY notice whatsoever. (When momma says "Screw 'em, what have they done for you?" that means it's time for some bitches to get fucked.) Let's not even get into the fact that the meeting on Friday was 2 and a half hours of them being EXTREMELY patronizing saying shit that we already know. (Like, we need to clean every day, and we need to go to things like lotion training...) Thanks for that, I'll be sure to get you another copy of that memo that reads something like, "How about y'all go fuck yourselves. I'm outta here." Yeah.

If I don't get out of that place soon, I'm telling you, you're going to see my face on the evening news running with the story "Chicago woman kills co-workers by shoving tanning lotion bottles down their throats" or "Chicago Tanning Massacre: Disgruntled worker dismantles bed, beats co-workers and customers to death with pieces while yelling 'SEE!! TANNING CAN KILL YOU!!'"

It'll happen... it's only a matter of time.

That's all I've really got for you kids at the moment... Sorry.

I (HEART) Dayquil...

Yeah, that's right, I have a loving relationship with Dayquil! You got something to say about it?? Yeah, that's what I thought!

As you know by now, I am currently suffering in the throes of a cold. But did that stop me from going out to some rich bitch's house and making some easy money by bartending for her hoity toity party? Nope. Why? DAYQUIL!

While I'm on the topic of this party, I'd like to note that she and I have a very different opinion of what constitutes a gratuity. The woman said that she would prefer not to have a tip jar out on the bar, but she would "take care of me" at the end of the evening... Bitch tipped me $30 for a five hour shift. Uhh... I think if there was a tip jar out I'd have done a little better than $30... and believe me, it's not like she couldn't have afforded to show the lizzle a little love. So I'm a little bitter about that, but all in all, I'm glad to have made money, rather than spending it for a change. But that slut knew I came out to work her party despite the fact that I was not 100% healthy, and that I kept everyone more than happy with the drinks. She raved about how good I was, and how everyone loved me, but honestly, $30?? That's not love!

I'm just hoping that she gives my number to other rich bitches that need a bartender... preferrably ones that aren't so tight with their cash.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Back where I belong... but I don't want to be there.

So tonight I have a bartending gig. I am thrilled to be able to get back behind the bar and all, but dammit, I don't want to be there today.

No, today I am sick, and all I really want to do is lay in bed, drinking orange juice and feeling sorry for myself.

Instead, I will be going out to bucktown to bartend for some rich bitch's party. All I can really say is that I hope she won't get too pissed off when I'm poppin dayquil, and blowing my nose in her fancy cocktail napkins. I'll just be drinking her orange juice tonight... and she'll have to get over it. Why? Because I'm the bartender, and I say so.

She's lucky to have me at all, because if it were up to me, I'd be camping out on my bed with a box of puffs and some vapo-rub.

Friday, November 04, 2005

I didn't write this... but dammit I really wish I had!

I didn't write anything in this post aside from this little introduction. It's by Justin of "Dude.Man.Phat." (I have linked to his blog in the sidebar... it's frickin HILARIOUS!!)


5 ways we can randomly put Jesus in mainstream movies to make them more christian-y...

So, the NY Times is surprised Hollywood isn't a big Jews For Jesus posse? Uh huh. Groundbreaking journalism. You know what, NY Times? You're totally right. Hollywood should be courting the Christian audience more. So I've got an idea. Let's just start making even more remakes than we already are. Might as well. Let's make all the regular crappy remakes as well as a whole new crop of Christian remakes of mainstream films. Would that solve this growing "problem?" I'll even give some hungry Hollywood producers the first Jesus-esque ideas in 5 Ways We Can Randomly Put Jesus In Mainstream Movies To Make Them More Christian-y:

5. Back To The Future (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus is BFF with Doc Brown. Doc Brown builds a time machine. "I don't really need that, but okay," says Jesus. Some Middle-Eastern dudes kill Doc with a WMD. Jesus gets scared and takes the time machine back to the year 2 B.C. Mary's father hits Him jogging one day, takes Him home. Since Jesus is wearing Calvin Klein underwear from the future, Mary calls Him Calvin Klein. Mary falls in love with Calvin Klein Jesus. Calvin Klein Jesus finds Doc's great(times 20)grandfather and asks him what to do. He says, "Well, you're Jesus. Just keep your mom from falling in love with you. Remind her about God, divine intervention, space-time continum, yadda yadda, get out of there lickety-split and then teleport (or whatever you do) back to 2005." So He did. And all was good. The end.

4. The Silence of The Lambs (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Instead of going through that long, drawn-out and violent process of cooperating with Hannibal Lecter, Clarice just asks Jesus where Buffalo Bill is. He tells her. Because that's what he does. CSI Jesus. The End.

3. Waterworld (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus turns all the water into wine. Makes it Wineworld. Everyone happy.

2. Karate Kid (But With Jesus)
A select scene from the film:

"I hear you jumped some of my students last night."

"Afraid facts mixed up."

"You calling Mr. Lawrence a liar?"

"No call no one nothing."

"What are you here for, old man?"

"Come ask leave Jesus alone."

"What's the matter, Jesus can't take care of His own problems?"

"One to one problem, yes. One to one problem while answer prayer, maybe. FIVE to one problem while also answer prayer, too much ask anyone."

"Is that what's bothering you? The odds? Well, we can fix that. Feel like matching, Mr. Lawrence?"

"Yes, sensei!"

"No more fighting."

"This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get Jesus on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem."

"Too much advantage. Your dojo."

"Name a place"

"First Baptist Church. Multicultural Room."

"You've got real nerve, old man. Real nerve. But I think we can accomodate you. Can't we, Mr. Lawrence?"

"But sensei, I'm Jewish."

"No mercy."

1. The Passion Of The Christ (But With Jesus)
But wait, you say. Wasn't Jesus in the original Passion? He may have been, but I didn't see Him. When I think of Jesus, I think of the smiley Jesus I see in illustrated Bibles, helping people and preaching His word. Jesus liked to make people happy, like Bobby McFerrin. Where was that Jesus in The Passion? Where was the Jesus that likes rainbows, sun-babies and dogs wearing hats? Nowhere, that's where. So, instead of gross, bloody Jesus and Mel Gibson's insistence of subtlety, the new version will have happier G-rated Jesus. No blood. No violence. And a Raffi soundtrack. Just happy things. Like Mr. Dog in a Hat. He'll even tell funny limericks to Jesus while he's on the cross to lighten up the mood. Because Jesus loves the funny. See? Blockbuster guaranteed.

Since you all are just jonesin' for pictures...

I know you all went a long time without any pictures from my sorry ass, and for that I apologize. Since you were all such good sports about it, here are pictures from the Gavin DeGraw show, and my night out with the bartending crew.


I apologize that these are fuzzy... it's hard to get a good picture at a concert.

Here's Gavin and the whole band, I took a wide shot because he was sitting at the piano playing the opening bars of "Lay me on the water" (my favorite Gavin DeGraw song) but as it turns out he didn't play the whole thing... he just played the opening bit while he introduced the band. (THAT BITCH!)

This one is actually clear, don't ask me how... I don't frickin know!

Possibly the best thing about the show was Gavin's energy! That bitch was out in the crowd and up on the piano! He was like a little kid running wild! And somehow that crazy bitch sang his whole set and an encore with gum in his mouth. I was impressed.


Last night we went out to dinner with the bartending bitches! We had dinner and drinks at FlatTop, and then we partied at Enclave. Enclave is a hot bar... you just have be sure to wear as little as possible (ladies) or dress rather high end (gents). Oh, and definintely be sure to watch out for the bitches with polyester hair... I mean for real! Some of those sluts had piles of polyester on their head that made Paris Hilton's extensions look good... and that's saying something.

But here are the three hottest sluts of all!!

It should be noted that by the time we left Enclave Caroline was BLITZED! That said, she decided she wanted to ride a bike. (Anthony hopped on the back for good measure)


QOTD (Caroline was owning it!)

To random unattractive or unattractively dressed people at Enclave:

"I like your sweater!" ~ Caroline to some random 50 year old woman in a SERIOUSLY ugly sweater.

"Hey! I like your shirt! It's sexy!" ~Caroline to every guy who walked by.

"Hey! I like your jacket! I said I like your jacket! It's REALLY SEXY! I want to like you!"

After leaving Enclave Caroline kept up the hilarity.

"Hey, are those guys wearing Adidas jackets? It's Thursday night!! It's not SUNDAY! Someone should tell them it's not a Sunday!"

"You guys, I'm really drunk! And you know what I love to do when I get really drunk? Think about stuffed french toast from IHOP...(A beat and a half later) OOOOOH A BICYCLE!!"