Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"Did somebody step on a duck??"

For those of you who don't know your classic movie lines, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves...

Yeah, after being forced to watch golf all weekend (which, strangely enough, I actually DON'T MIND watching,) I have gotten into a kick of watching Caddyshack repeatedly... I had forgotten just how funny that movie really is, and just how many REALLY GREAT lines there are in it!


I got so wound up telling y'all about my detest for Wheaton, bad tippers, and shitty bartenders, that I forgot to tell you an even more interesting story.

It's actually the story I'd originally intended to tell you all, but I was buzzing with so much Wheaton-hatred I figured I'd better get that out of my system and then I totally forgot to actually say what I came to say!

So here's the real story.

The other day, while I was riding on the train, (my close friends know that I always have THE WORST LUCK when it comes to the trains...) I was sitting alone in the seat, reading my paper, when a guy EASILY old enough to be my dad sits down next to me. (It should be noted that at this particular stop the train became quite crowded, so I was grateful to even have a seat at all.)

At this point we are about 5 stops from my planned stop.

As I am focused on reading my paper, I feel fingers brushing my leg. I look down to see the guy has his hand on his own leg, but his fingers kinda reaching out to brush my thigh.

The first time this happens I brush it off as nothing more than the guy getting situated in his seat.

At the next stop he starts up again, so I scoot over in my seat just to be safe.

4 stops from where I plan to get off, back to reading my paper, I notice it again.

Figuring I put my attention to the paper rather than staying away from the guy, I wrote this off too, and scooted over again... this time paying significantly more attention to the situation.

The guy tried it one more time, prompting a rather serious "What the hell do you think you're doing" look... The guy kinda takes the hint at that point.

2 stops away, so now only 1 stop stands between me and my destination, so I decide that all things considered I should make a move to get up and prepare to leave the train. At this point the guy thinks he's got it made, so he tries grabbing my ass.

For those of you who don't already know, Lizzle-cake is very protective of her body, and she does not react well to unwanted physical advances. As this one was particularly unwelcome, and from a particularly nasty old fellow, I reacted in a particularly nasty fashion.

I told him to keep his hands off me (although I am pretty sure I didn't put it quite so delicately, being caught up in the moment and all) slapped his hand away, and I proceeded to continually batter him with my purse until I reached my stop. I then left the train to the applause of several other passengers. Then I smoothed myself out, calmed myself down, and went about my day.

So THAT, my friends, is my story. I hope you're satisfied.



(I think this conversational snippet kinda sums up my relationship with the incredibly hot turbo-slut, Michael K.)

Michael: "You should go WHITE BLONDE!"
Liz: "Michael I'd look disgusting as white blonde... tell you what, I'll go white blonde when you do."
Michael: "Let's go WHITE BLONDE!"
Liz: "No, Michael, if Brad and Angelina can't pull it off, neither can we!"
Michael: "OH MY GOD! We are the new Brad & Angie! ... I GET TO BE ANGIE!"
Liz: "NO! I get to be Angie. At least I have a vagina."
Michael: "Angie doesn't have a vagina!"
Liz: "Yes she does, she has the most mesmerizing, hypnotizing vagina in all of Hollywood! Just ask Brad."
Michael: "But I'm in charge, so I'm Angie!"
Liz: "Tell you what, you can be Maddox... HE'S IN CHARGE! And he's even Asian!"
Michael: "YES! I Get to be Maddox, and you can be Angie!"
Liz: "Great! Now, all I gotta do is steal somebody else's hot man and then buy you a bunch of stuff so that you'll call him 'daddy'"
Michael: "Bitch, let's find you a hot man!!"
Liz: "Wait... you're going to be calling my hot man 'daddy'... not sure how I feel about that."
(The conversation took an unexpected, though VERY FUNNY, turn from there, but I'd need MK's approval before posting any more of it!)

Dez: "Liz, I think you're totally lying about never getting any play... I bet you're really batting them away left, right, and center."
Liz: "Nope, I'm an underappreciated commodity. I'm getting no kind of play lately"
Dez: "That's amazing to me... because in addition to a great personality, you've got GREAT TITS."
Liz: "See, I think they'd go for me if it was just the tits and not the personality."
Dez: "I think you're right... Men hate a girl with personality, and we all know they love tits... Why else would blow-up dolls be so popular?"

"I used to have magic fingers... but those were the four I lost." ~Dan

"I'm pretty sure that danger smells a lot like chocolate!" ~Jackie

"Hey baby, I wanna suck the nailpolish off your toes!!" ~Drunk bum

Sally: "Wow, I've never seen a dog love a person that much..."
Emily: "Great, so now I've hynotized a dog."

1 comment:

Bryan said...

No doubt, the chap is totally fair.
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