Friday, August 19, 2005

For some strange reason I want to go bowling.

I don't know why, but bowling sounds like a really fun idea right now.

You needed to know this.


Today I found myself a great new drink.

It's a sour apple/melon martini! (Though I am considering putting a patent on the recipe and calling it "The Lizzle-tini")

It's made of equal parts:
Midori Melon Liquer
Sour Apple Pucker
Sour Mix
Garnish (optional) with a slice of green apple, or a cherry.

Give it a whirl! You won't be disappointed.

It's bright green, fruity without being disgusting, and delicious!!


There is something wrong with my new computer and my new camera. I am pissed. I will have to take them back to the store and have them looked at, and in all likelihood those bitches will look at me and say "HA HA HA... You're fucked. That'll be $300." To which I will reply, "But wait, I bought the extended warranty!!" To which they will reply, "Oh, so we already suckered you out of $300... well in that case it'll only be $299.95... Have a nice day."


I read today that the bitches who run major league baseball (i.e. Bud Selig, who we all know I detest) actually said "We can't fix the steroid problem in baseball without the help of congress."

Are you kidding me? REALLY?

You're serious about this mess?

You can't be!

Please, PLEEEEEEEASE tell me you're joking!

Seriously, what is congress going to do to fix the problem that the bitches running major league baseball can't just do themselves? Oh, that's right... utilize taxpayer dollars to spend time, manpower, and Lizzle's patience so that a few members of congress can talk about baseball on the job and call it work.

You know what... Congressional politicians didn't get into their line of work to talk baseball... That's what professional commentators are paid to do.

So, here's my letter to Bud Selig et al.

Dear Bud & Pals,

I recently read that you couldn't think your way out of a wet paper bag, let alone figure out how to handle this whole steroid debacle. Please allow me to offer my assistance in this matter.

I am willing to offer you my services so that we can save the general public a few bucks, (bucks that they can spend at the major league ballparks!!) as well as some frustration and possible disillusionment with the sport of professional baseball.

We all know that as soon as congress got involved with this steroid mess the first time around there were a lot of very perturbed people. Why were they mad? I'll tell you!

To the true die-hard fans out there, following baseball is like a religion. It requires time, dedication, and effort on the part of the faithful party. The various teams they follow are like the different religious sects, each with their own subtle differences and guidelines. (ie - the Yankees will buy, sell, and trade away your affection with no regard for you whatsoever. Or take the Blue Jays who are willing to accept fans no matter what they believe, because they are ***Canadian. I don't have to go into the beliefs of the Cubs loyal, those should be obvious. And the Royals... Oh, who am I kidding, nobody believes in the Royals.)

These baseball die-hards got mad because congressional involvement is like the interference of church and state. Nobody likes the blending of church and state!

For the rest of the disillusioned baseball fans out there, the anger is likely based on the fact that they are tax-payers who know that their tax dollars are being wasted because they all know that GOVERNMENT HAS NO PLACE IN BASEBALL!!! Baseball is a bunch of men getting paid millions of dollars to play a game. A GAME!!! And the rules of a game should be set up be the governing body of the sport... NOT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

(***The Blue Jays present a particular problem if you insist on having the US Federal government fixing your steroid problem because they are a Canadian team. And the US government doesn't technically have any kind of power over those hosers... Yet another reason that you need to hire me to fix this problem through appropriate baseball channels, rather than being reliant on the US Congress to do it for you.)

So with that in mind, I propose that you, the fine folks in charge of major league baseball, hire me, and pay me a large salary to fix your little steroid problem.

Here's how we do it: you pay me lots of money to establish a rule that ANY player caught with ANY kind of steroid or banned substance in their system while playing for a major league team will instantly and irrevocably have all their records and statistics flagged and banned from hall of fame eligibility/contention, as well as impose some kind of fine and play suspension. (Hey, if you're going to keep Shoeless out of Cooperstown without conclusive proof that he did anything wrong, and you're gonna keep Charlie Hustle out for making a few bets, you can't argue that this is a suitable hard-line stance.) We enforce this policy by issuing FREQUENT randomized drug testing.

I will be enjoying a Lizzle-tini in my apartment while you kids consider my offer. I look forward to hearing from you.



Dave is back to ignoring me... so he has been removed as a contributor.

Other contributors have been pretty good about keeping in touch, even if they are not actually posting as often as I'd like, so they retain their priveleges for the time being.

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