Ok, so here's the story... kinda.

I'm going to write this out in little snippets, because that's how I'm rollin' these days.

First off, let me say that I hate Wheaton.

Wheaton is home to all things miserable.

Wheaton is a miserable place which is deserving of my general detest.

That said, I was working at a amateur international golf tournament this weekend, out in Wheaton.

In case you're really into amateur golf, it was the Walker Cup. (And the USA won this year.)

The kid who ended up winning the whole thing for the US was Jeff Overton, a boy from my hometown!

It was hosted by Wheaton's Chicago Golf Club.

The weather was unbearably humid and gross, and I had to walk the mile between the Metra station and the golf club every morning because nobody thought to set up a shuttle for people who take the metra.

There is no sidewalk for about 3/4 of that mile, so I was slogging through mud, wet grass, and gravel next to a busy road.

Because I was reliant on the Metra, I had to get up VERY VERY early (we're talking out of the apartment by 6:30 AM, ON A WEEKEND!!!!) to get out to tend my bar... despite the fact that bitches don't drink anything that early... the earliest I served anything was at 11:30, so why I had to be there that early is beyond me!

These factors did not put me in a good mood upon my arrival.

I worked at a cash bar in the main clubhouse.

My boss put me there because he thought it would be a shitty location and nobody would drink there. (He did this because he is a dick.)

It turned out to be one of the busiest, if not the busiest bar at the whole event. Meanwhile he had his favorites located at the actual shitty places.(So his little plan back-fired.)

Despite the fact that it was a busy bar, the tips sucked. (Apparently they sucked REALLY BAD elsewhere, but they were certainly not good, even at my location.)

The tips sucked because rich old men who are members at the Chicago Golf Club apparently felt that tipping the bartender was beneath them.

European men are much better tippers.

Despite the fact that the tips sucked at this event, and the fact that it was located in the heart of misery, while working I decided that under normal working conditions I really enjoy the job.

I am also very good at it.

The guy who I tended bar with has been working at the club since the year I was born... and he referred to me as "his savior" when people asked him if we were staying busy. (To me, that's an indication that I really am good.)

I talked to one guy who worked all day Sunday and only had 14 customers and only made 4 dollars in tips the whole day.

In a related side note, told in a more contiguous format; one of the fellows who I had to deal with on a regular basis was Dan. Dan is one of those annoying people who will talk your ear off and never say a single thing that is even the least bit interesting or funny. I don't know if he talks just to hear the sound of his own voice or if he just doesn't know he's incredibly annoying, but he's one of those people who want to stab if you are inescapably trapped with them for any length of time.

And the thing is, even if you are not responding, he just keeps talking. Even if you do everything you can to indicate that you are ignoring him, he keeps talking. He is one of those people who follows you around and gives you his life story whether you like it or not. Funny thing is, he complained to me when someone else did this same thing to him.

If anyone walked by he would ask how they were doing, even if they were 20 ft away and actively talking to someone else. And on the off chance that they responded to him and said something kinda disinterested like "Fine, you?" his answer was always "Just another day in paradise!" Now this might not seem so bad, but when you hear it 600 times a day for 3 days straight, it kinda gets under your skin.

I seriously thought that I was going to be forced to repeatedly stab him in the face with my corkscrew.

While on the subject of people who I wanted to stab in the face with a corkscrew, I was also forced to work for about 3 hours, and share my tips with a guy who said he was a bartender for 10 years... I'm pretty fucking sure that was a lie. How do I know?

• The bitch didn't look a day over 23... but since I didn't card him it's possible, though not probable that he was old enough to have tended a bar for 10 years.
• The bitch did not know how to pour a beer into a glass... In fact after watching him pour two beers which ended up being all foam because of the way they were poured, I told him I would pour ALL the beer from then on out, because he sucked at it. (Now those of you who have actually worked with me in a professional setting know that up until a certian point, I make every effort to put things politely when dealing with others... I reached that point with him and did in fact actually say "NO! Get away from the beer cooler. I'm pouring the beer because YOU SUCK AT IT!" I was actually forced to tell him in those exact words.)
• When someone asked for a bloody mary and he started to make it, he started by pouring Dewar's Scotch into it. When I asked him what he was making, and he told me "That guy wanted a bloody mary" I told him, "No, a bloody mary is a vodka drink" so what did he do? He reached for the Bacardi and poured it in on top of the Dewar's. It was about that time that I told him to go sit at the end of the bar and fill cups with ice because he was no longer allowed to touch the bottles.
• During a lull in business I asked him if he was actually trained as a bartender, or if he was just learning as he went along. It was at this point he told me that he'd been a bartender for 10 years. (I think he meant that he'd been dreaming of being a bartender for 10 years but had never in fact seen a proper drink poured.)
  
• When the night ended and the guy left, the other guy I was working with looked at me and said "Who was that guy, and was it just me, or was he AWFUL?" I responded "No, he really WAS AWFUL, and he told me that he's been a bartender for 10 years..." The other bartender just laughed at that statement.

Ok, so now that I've gotten all that out of my system I'll talk to you kids later.

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Meljoy, J-Dubs, I am very sorry I couldn't go out with you on Saturday, but as you can see I had my hands full all weekend, and as such I was pretty damned exhausted. We'll go out soon, I promise!!!