I nailed it.
This is yet another reason that I am so much happier below the Mason-Dixon.
2.5 weeks of job searching landing a REAL job that does not involve poop houses or cashiering, versus three months of job searching and getting stuck behind a cash register and doing hourly restroom checks and having to clean up other people's vomit and explosive diarrhea messes. Salary versus hourly. Benefits and 401k versus no benefits and wanting to chop my legs off at the knee because my feet hurt so badly from standing for 9 hours at a stretch.
Things are WAY better here.