Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I just can't deal...

At the moment I am all bummed out.

I know that lately, (aside from recent brushes with the law) I have been fantastically boring. I wholly own that I am a giant black hole for all things interesting at the moment. It's as if all the interesting things going on in the universe come within a certain striking distance of me and BAM they suddenly disappear into oblivion because I suck that hard right now. I'd apologize for my suckiness, but (A) I'm not sorry for sucking, because it wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened, and (B) well, there is no (B) I just felt like making this sentence particularly complex for the diagramming nazis out there.

Anyway, I think it goes without saying that I had an immensely good time when I was back in Chicago. (Aside from those last 24 hours or so.) And I think that as a result I am even more depressed about the state of affairs which constitutes my life at the moment. There have been plenty of people at my office who asked about my vacation and upon my return, and when I talked about it, they recalled the fact that they knew I once lived there, and then they ask why the hell I left my world behind.

I never have an answer for them other than to say it wasn't my choice. And being in an office where we are all essentially paid to dig into the more painful parts of people's pasts to obtain useful information, they always want to know more. I know the tricks. I throw them a bone noting that I went through a long period of unemployment and it depleted my bank balance and my options and then I call it a day for that conversation. I don't tend to go into the really low points for a few reasons, I mean we as social workers get enough sad stories through the course of our days on the job, so I try to limit telling sad tales of my own. Furthermore, most of these people don't know me well enough for me to go spilling my life story in the workplace... In fact, NONE of them know me well enough to get into all of that, even outside the workplace. I haven't even told any of them about this blog, so really they don't have any insight beyond what I am willing to give them, and since I am that defensive type who holds most people at arms length for my own self preservation until they have proven their worthiness, I'm just not getting into it with them, and as a result, I'm a little worse for wear.

By that same token, I have very few people who I can REALLY talk to. And that kind of sucks. Especially in times like this.

The fact is that going back into Chicago really opened up a great expanse of personal issues that I had placed on a back burner and refused to deal with for a while. On my final day in the city, I had an emotional chat with Anthony where things boiled up and I remembered exactly how much I put into that back burner pot. And coming home, I have no one to really address those issues with. I have kept so much concealed from everyone here, and I have admittedly shut everyone here out from that aspect of my life and as a result, I am in a very lonely place.

Essentially, I'm in one of those places where I just need a friend who is ok with listening to me become a blubbering idiot for a few hours and drink heavily with me. I need a friend, and I don't know who to turn to.

Don't go off the deep end, thinking that if I don't find someone to talk to that I will be a danger to myself or others. I won't. But I am just giving you all a fair warning that if I don't find someone who I can really open up to, it's going to take me a little while longer to work through these issues. And so it's unlikely that I'm going to get over this funk in a huge hurry. Sorry guys.

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