Monday, April 21, 2008

PICTURE PAGES! (Las Vegas Edition)

Well, you asked for it, and here it is! The post with all the Vegas pictures! Your hot asses can muster a little more excitement than that, can't you? C'mon, let me hear you say, "WOOOOOO!" That's a little better... but not much. We have a lot to get through here, so I'm going to just pretend like you're playing along with me.

First off, allow me to inform you of the premise of the trip. Tarreck told me that I could pack my bags, invite a friend or two, and that my friends and I were responsible for our airfare. He clearly stated that EVERYTHING else was on him... (And when partying with Tarreck, it's first class all the way!) This was a trip worth getting excited about! Meljoy backed out about a month before the trip, saying that she had to work. Kirsten on the other hand was gung-ho from the start... There was no stopping those of us who were genuinely committed to making this a strong effort!

I met up with Tarreck at the airport and we flew to Vegas together. Kirsten met us at the Vegas airport. We discovered at that time that her luggage had been lost. Even though it was out of my hands, I felt like an asshole when we were standing by the baggage carousel for my flight, and my bag was literally the first one to come out.

But it's hard not to muster a smile once you're safe on the ground and the stretch limo is ready and waiting for your hot ass!

Once at the hotel it was time to get cracking on planning the evening's events! So Tarreck called up Jonathan, my Las Vegas boo-cakes, and his favorite casino host, (pictured later) and got the ball rolling.

I think it's important that we familiarize ourselves with the lay of the land... Here are pictures of the view from our pimp daddy suite. First you see that crap-hole Hooter's hotel and Casino. We didn't even set foot in there, and I can already tell you it was a dump.

There's the "new" Tropicana, (and a parking lot.)

The old Tropicana, the Excalibur (that castle, where the majority of Midwesterners would think it was cool to stay.)

And to the right is the New York, New York... We didn't like it there. (Oh, and there's my hot-ass reflection! Try to contain yourself!)

Tarreck went to get some gambling in, and Kirsten and I made a run to the Caesar's Palace Forum shops to get her something to wear for the evening... And to pose with Marc Antony, Cleopatra, and a Centurion, OF COURSE!

How can you not absolutely LOVE a city this artificial, I ask you!

They had just called to say that they had found Kirsten's luggage... That's the first REAL smile we've seen all day!

Once back at the hotel, Kirsten assumed what she referred to as her "up the butt pose" but there was no time for shenanigans! We got ready for dinner at Diego, where they make your guacamole at the table, and let you make your own salsa!

Kirsten's hot ass is ready to go! (In her spankin' new dress!)

After a delicious Chilean sea bass dinner, we headed to Studio 54, where we sat in the bottle service, VIP upstairs. Here's a shot of Tarreck peering down at the masses.

This is one of those "make it cute, after all, you kids are my partners in crime here," type of pictures.

You know you're doing well when you are able to look down at the elevated table dancers that the rest of the masses have to look up to see.

A blurry shot of the DJ booth, but it was a decent shot of the Studio 54 sign.

OF COURSE there are showgirls dangling from the ceiling on spinning rings! Why, what did you expect?

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've done that...

They don't look like they've had NEARLY enough to drink! Time to get this party started!

Ok, the liquor has been flowing a little bit by this time...

And one of just the girls! (Kirsten engaged in one of those "long blinks" common to those ingesting alcohol!)

It's a little blurry, but still a cute picture where we both have our eyes open.

That's the look of someone who knows he's earned his self-issued nickname of "Big Daddy Spankbottom!"

Speaking of spank-bottom... Kirsten returned the favor! Look at the tension in the jaw at the moment of contact... A truly well-timed shot!

There are more showgirls, this time with swings! It's all so very Moulin Rouge!

There are all the plebeians! (The serfs, as it were...) Dancing the night away, unaware of the lifestyle they could aspire to, a mere 2 floors above them.

This one is for my few male readers... Some giant, saline, tan showgirl boobs... Personally I rather like the self-satisfied look on Tarreck's face!

Tarreck got Jonathan, his favorite casino host, (and my LV boo-cakes) to come out to meet up with us!

This picture was supposed to be of the bottle-service table, but Tarreck's sitting down dance moves are really stealing the show!

You all have been around here long enough to know that when I am drunk, I am affectionate! Well, there you go!

Kirsten is rocking a very "Old Hollywood" pose here... And Tarreck is telling tales, I'm sure!

The night wrapped up not too much after that... We went to the room for a totally unnecessary nightcap, and some much needed sleep. The next day was spent at the pool, where I totally burnt my back, and where the people-watching was just spectacular! I mean really, who wears a tiara to the pool? You know the people watching is good when you catch a random old guy stop and beach himself on the side of the lazy river a mere 10 yards from an exit, so that he can retrieve a cigarette and lighter from his waterproof lanyard and have himself a smoke... Seriously. He didn't even have to put forth an effort to get to the exit... The current would have carried him there, but apparently he needed his nicotine fix, and he needed it immediately, if not sooner! It loses something in translation, I assure you, but it was wildly amusing in person.

One random sampling of conversation from our poolside commentary:

"Umm, I think you forgot your ass pearls."
"No, you got it wrong... You meant to say 'I think you forgot your ANAL BEADS!'"

The things we say when we don't give a damn who listens!

After the pool, we returned to the room to find that Jonathan had sent us a delightful gift basket of tasty treats. We like that kind of hospitality! The rest of the daylight hours were spent in the casino... They frown on taking pictures while at the tables, so despite the fact that we probably COULD HAVE taken pictures anyway, we didn't. We then had dinner at Tom Colicchio's steakhouse, Craftsteak. We opted to have the Kobe beef surf & turf tasting menu which had a ridiculous price tag, at $170 per person with a 3 person minimum. Despite the fact that I hadn't eaten beef in 8 years, I decided that if we're going all out and ordering some uber-fancy cow, that I was not going to be the asshole to order chicken in a steakhouse of this caliber. And I'll tell you one thing, it was worth it. It was worth the lapse after 8 years, it was worth the price, it was worth everything! We're happy before there was even a drink on the table...

We were REALLY happy with the food came out... IT WAS SENSATIONAL. Here's a food pic for Marcia, and any other foodies out there!

After ingesting that heavenly meal, we ventured off to Tabu for another night of VIP table service. CHEERS!

We joked that if Tarreck had a myspace page, this would be his new profile pic... and that's how he just sits and chats, despite the fact that it looks posed, this is a total candid.

The liquor gets to flowin' and then the dancing starts!

My LV boo-cakes made it out again! (I love that my boob was the only thing that made it into this Tarreck-self-shot photo... Down there in the lower right corner.)

We were literally dancing on a tabletop at this point, though it kind of looks like we're just standing around chatting.

More tabletop dancing... I don't know what's going on with my chin in this picture, or why it looks like someone replaced my jaw bone with a banana...

More of Tarreck's sitting-down dance moves on display!

And a solo-dance for Tarreck on the tabletop again... I think he's busting out the shopping cart move at this point.

In the words of Ebert & Roper, we give it two thumbs WAY WAY up... Though for us, it's gotta be the double guns!

And here's one of me engaged in the "long blink" of inebriation.

I get such a kick out of the tabletop dancing going on in the VIP igloo...

Tarreck looks like he's grooming Kirsten a la the monkeys at the zoo, but hey, we roll with it!

We partied until Tabu was shut down for the night and then went back up to the room for another unnecessary nightcap. In the morning, Tarreck woke me with the news that he would have to leave early to close a very substantial deal. This was quite a pall on the day... But you better believe that we made it count anyway! We got up, got dressed, and headed to the casino. We ventured over to the craps tables, where I learned that my inappropriate comments sometimes surprise even me, and I'm the one doing the talking!

While shooting craps, I rolled a hard 8 (that's rolling a pair of fours for those of you who don't know crap about craps) and another bettor at the the table said, "That's a nice pair!" To which I responded without missing a beat, "Oh, I've got a nice pair for ya!" (I admit that I didn't even think about it, it just kind of came out...) The croupier then responded with, "Umm, yeah, I'll say you do!"

We went to the New York, New York casino, where we determined that they have to be running a more rigged game than most, and had an unlikable staff... We didn't stay there long. Upon reentering the MGM Grand, we passed the Lion habitat... Kirsten stood amazed, while Tarreck just couldn't believe how easily entertained we were.

Kirsten was actually turning to leave the exhibit, and I snapped a quick shot which turned out surprisingly nice, and again looked posed, despite being totally candid.

After that foray into the casino, we had a lovely lunch at Wolfgang Puck's bar and grill, and Tarreck had to go to the airport, so we went up to the room to watch him pack and see him off... But being the awesome guy that he is, he just told us to charge anything and everything to the room and stick around until our originally scheduled departure. So Kirsten and I hit the infamous Las Vegas buffets, because we'd done gourmet meals, and now that we were left unsupervised, we returned to our roots.

After stuffing ourselves silly, and playing the celebrity name game for a considerable amount of time, we took our game on the road. We went to walk off the meal, and decided to see some of the sights outside our familiar stomping grounds at the MGM Grand. We had to get a better shot of the castle known as the Excalibur Hotel anyway!

We then ventured further South into the Mandalay Bay Hotel and casino. While wandering along, we found a restaurant known as Aureole. While we were certainly not hungry, we did amuse ourselves with the exterior decor... And really, it's not a trip to Vegas without at least one picture involving molestation of inanimate objects!

We then ventured northward to the Bellagio, Where we admired the Chihuly glass ceiling.

Kirsten was particularly fascinated!

As much as I am an art nerd, and love Chihuly, I admit that I was far more interested in going out to see the famous Bellagio fountains! So we headed outside. But wouldn't you know that the front garden of the Bellagio is directly across from the Paris hotel... And since Kirsten has a love of all things French, we had to get a picture of her with the pseudo Eiffel Tower.

And just to be kitschy, I posed too! (Don't ask me about that little creeper guy behind me... I don't even know what he was up to! He was probably plotting my demise!)

But once the fountains started up, we were once again fascinated... Seriously who needs to spend obscene amounts of money when you can be entertained for free by cannons firing water into the air!

Upon heading back into the Bellagio, we ran across this character... She was just a crazy townie, all gussied up in her finest sparkly pink spandex, holding her glowing sword aloft...

Kirsten initially proposed that she would act like she was posing in front of a fountain so that I could take a picture of her on the sly, but that really didn't do the lady justice, so I decided to go for broke and just ask her to be in a picture!

We continued our celebrity name game all the way back to the MGM, where we continued gambling into the wee hours of the morning... Though since our financial backer had to go home, we decided to gamble in a format more our speed. The $0.50 video blackjack machines kept us busy, and the waitresses kept bringing the drinks... As you can see here, Kirsten is clutching a glass of Crown Royal on the rocks, while abusing the video screen by poking REALLY REALLY hard for a hit... She poked so hard in fact that she was pretty sure that she did some damage to her finger!

We ventured outside for a little fresh air before returning to the room, but while there, we got a shot of the exterior of the hotel... Though in reality it's green, in the picture it looks quite blue.

The next morning Kirsten had to go, so we got some breakfast, she packed up, and I saw her off. I then took a swim in one of the giant tubs in our obscene suite, and scheduled a 75 minute Swedish massage.

I had a lovely steam before and after my 75 minutes in rubdown heaven, and when I returned to the room, I found that the maid had tidied things up nicely, so I decided to take pictures of our accommodations. It was a two bedroom, two bath suite roughly twice the size of my apartment... There are sitting areas in both bedrooms, but I figure you've seen a chair before, so I skipped those photos. I also figure you've seen a bathroom or two with a jacuzzi tub, double vanities, and a lot of marble all over the place... (Even if you've only seen it on MTV Cribs...) So I skipped photographing the bathrooms as well.

Clearly you can see, we were roughing it... This is one bedroom.

This is a view of the living room area from one end... And that's a wet bar over there to the right.

Here's the other bedroom.

And a view from the opposite end of the living room.

Shortly after my return to the room, I had to pack up and head to the airport. (And back to reality.) I am not kidding when I tell you that returning to the real world after that kind of pampering, and having every want and need catered to, it's just a huge slap in the face and shock to the system! I mean I know that they say that money can't buy happiness, but after a few days of that kind of lifestyle, I'll tell you that if someone wants to sponsor me, I'll happily make a run at testing the theory!

In short, the trip was a strong enough effort that Tarreck has stated that this will most likely become an annual pilgrimage for us since we're kind of awesome. That's something I think I can live with.

In related news, I will never be able to listen to the song lyrics, "Apple Bottom Jeans... and the boots with the furrrrr...." or watch Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump without bursting into obscene fits of laughter ever again. Kirsten and I both garnered new nicknames, ("McLovin" and "Bo Peep" respectively). And I have one $5.00 chip remaining in my purse just to stimulate memories of the best trip ever at random intervals!

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