I am emotionally and physically exhausted.
As I mentioned before, I went to see my grandmother today in her nursing home. It took a toll on me. My dad, my little sister, myself, and grandma's former dog made the trek to my hometown to have a little Christmas time visit. She didn't recognize my little sister at first, but she remembered her dog. She thought that I was still in school, and asked me how I did on my tests... I haven't taken an exam in over 18 months. And when I mentioned this to her she was quite confused. She didn't remember that her initial fall and resulting stay in the nursing home happened the week I actually finished the last of my college finals. She seemed to think that she had been in the home for merely a few days... She was upset because "the doctors made her sleep there last night." Of course she also mentioned that some athlete got hit in the head at the game last night, and apparently he died as a result. She also said that the reason I was good at artistic endeavors was somehow because of dogs... I just tried to be agreeable or be silent, and it was rough.
I know that while I might have been sitting there, I didn't actually say a whole lot, largely because words failed me, and I knew that nothing I could say would really help matters. I know a lot of people would say, it's important that I at least made the effort and that I showed up at all, and that I'd regret not spending more time with her once she finally goes, but I tend to think that there is also something to the whole concept of remembering someone the way that they once were, rather than what they become when body and mind is in the active process of defying everything that once was and is continually progressively failing them.
I also saw my big brother while we were in town. He has also become someone I scarcely recognize as what he once was, but for reasons I won't get into. His humor is the constant though, and it was probably the one thing that got me through the day.
That's all I can muster. Sorry.
Quotes later and pictures when I get back to Chicago because I forgot the USB cord that fits my camera.