Friday, March 14, 2008


I'm drunkity drunk right now.... It's really the only way I can compensate at this exact moment.

Just so you know, I have had a shitty week at work, including a shitty case conference with "crazy mom," a regular session with crazy mom, and a couple of phone consults with crazy mom...

Basically "Crazy mom" is the bane of my existence at the moment...

(As I've noted. I am REALLY drunk. The typos are the bare minimum I can handle at the moment.)

In addition to my normal level of cancellations and case changes, I've also got to deal with her crazed idiocy.

I can't wait to quit my job, and I've told people at the state agency which my company reports to that I am on my way out... It's really only a question of timing as opposed to eventuality.

(To be honest, I'm trying to figure out a way to use my vacation time before I'm outie-boom-boutie without seeming totally callous and hateful before my 2 weeks notice.)

I've put in for 4 or 5 days of vacation, and I've still got 2 weeks to use up... I am trying to work out exactly how to polish my paid days off by utilizing them before I give my notice because I can just because I can... SHIT.

And with that, I post a few e-mails I've exchanged with my partner in crime: (The partner in crime is the former roommate I'm expecting in roughly a week...)

"Dear Admiral,

First things first, I have sent this to both your personal and work e-mail addresses. I don't want to be a drain on your work time and therefore a cause of stress if that's what this translates into, but I'm issuing this sidebar as a mini distraction to be used at your convenience, be it at home or at work if needed.

Ok, so a few things came to mind after our little conversation earlier.

1) We're going to have to fly to get to Vegas... Do we need to drug you up to manage that? It can be arranged...

2) We have some serious bar decisions to be made. As I said already, Friday night is BAR X for sure. I'm thinking a driving tour might be in order to make informed decisions about the rest... We'll figure that out down the road though, I'm sure.

3) At some point we will have to call to my cousin to discuss the Vegas plans... We'll all book flights together, that way we show up together, and whatnot. (So it would probably be best if you brought whatever charge card or account info needed to book the flight.)

4) At some point we will work on hand crafting my resume to suit the HR folks at your firm.

5) We will drink 40s on my deck.

6) We will hang out with momma at some point... and possibly grandpa. Just Momma is better, but that was a given.

7) We might run into my brother's place for a beverage, but while the food is good, they are grossly overpriced for a march madness weekend, so we won't stay long. This is quite typical for interaction involving interaction with my brother.

8) As for March Madness, despite the fact that we are both grossly under-informed about this year's tournament prospects I think it is key that we determine a time to teleconference about our selections sometime after selection Sunday... The call might end up being pared down from our normal 4-5 hour range to a mere 2-3 hours since we both readily admit that we don't know much of anything this year. We will both probably need to make multiple copies of our brackets, as I'm sure that at least one will end up in a toilet at Bar X or some other local bar over the course of the weekend.

I think I've really hit the high points... (There will be a check list upon your arrival to ensure we accomplish all of our goals.)

Please feel free to add any thoughts of your own on the matter. (I promise not to berate you for the response, as I am interested in your input.)

Thank you, that is all."

The admiral's reply:

"In no particular order:

1) Vegas. Yes. I'm getting hyped. I will have my credit card all warmed up and ready to go. But yes, we will probably need to dope me up A LOT for the flight. I currently have a vicodin that is so high powered it's not even really called vicodin anymore, but I don't see that lasting until april....

Also, I have become excited about the notion of properly supplementing my wardrobe for this trip. I think that while we are in vegas we should get really dressed up and then walk the street with some alcoholic beverage (the trashier the better - maybe gin and juice?) just because i'm told we are able to do that- walk the streets with alcohol, that is.

2) Multiple copies of brackets. Why have I never done this before? I find myself having to dry out the same beer soaked bracket over and over again because for some reason it never occurs to me to just hit up the xerox machine. I'm thinking next Tuesday for our teleconference. What do you think?

3) I think resumes and 40s go hand in hand. usually. or that's what some scholar told me anyway. That scholar being myself, when incredibly intoxicated. We'll just have to make sure we don't decided to create and in turn submit said resume when too far under. I can see "air-types 400,000 words per minute" becoming a really hilarious idea for something to put as a specialized skill, but in real life, that's not that funny.

4) how do you feel about drinking costumes? because Tricia (the admiral's sister) and I are big on them, and trust me, you may think there's nothing better than drinking, but just mull over this concept for a minute: Drinking while wearing a funny hat. I'm just throwing it out there, because one of my best drinking experiences EVER took place in room 114 at the Red Roof Inn in Canton, OH, and Tricia wore a brown paper bag with eye-holes poked in it and a necktie while drinking a 40. I wore a dress and a winter hat with furry ear flaps.

5) I just want to say that there is really no way this trip can go wrong unless we both end up in Jail. We can do a driving tour and pick the most appealing looking places, just based on gut instinct, or we can at a later time develop some other comical methodolgy for choosing our establishments."

To which I replied:

"Ok, so YOUR vicodins might not last until April, BUT... (In case you didn't catch it, the "BUT..." is where I become just slightly more awesome.) I conserve my good drugs like you wouldn't believe. (This is one of the things where working in social services where random drug tests prevents recreational drug use, and that BLOWS, because if anyone earns the right to abuse drugs because of their work, it's we measly little social workers, but...) I still have damn near a full prescription of Lortabs from when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I also have my migraine meds which are usually good for a healthy dose of unconsciousness... We'll make something work. While you are here, I can provide you with samples to test at your leisure... be it legal or otherwise, because I don't give a rat's pink ass.... It might make me a technical drug dealer, but A) you don't live in my state and B) you don't have kids, and C) I don't intend to collect on compensation for the drugs, so you're not going to end up a client by any stretch... Either that, or I'll see what I can do about having my mom use her magical powers to call in a prescription of some kind of pain killer or something to knock your ass out cold. Either way, this is not an issue for major concern, we can handle it.

When you mention "getting really dressed up" and walking the streets of Vegas with beverages, I feel the need to clarify how you mean "really dressed up," (I'll back the bill either way, but just so we're clear, I'm going to filibuster for my own personal amusement with mental imagery.) If you mean by "dressed up" donning a super- trashy sparkly tank top, and pants constructed at least partially from spandex, and perhaps a hat beaded in sequins to look like a flag, (which tragically, I do own) because that would go with a "the trashier the better" type of beverage (I don't drink gin by the way, but we'll figure something out, I'm sure, but I digress...) Then I might have to think about this "dressing up" prospect... I mean yeah I've got an outfit or two that I could employ, it's a matter of figuring out if we're trashing this up right, or if we're "dressing up" as in the otherwise mentioned "drinking costumes." As for the drinking costumes, YES. YES. YES. I don't have a whole lot of drinking costume-worthy attire, but even if it means we've got to make a quick run to the nick-nackery (yes it's a real place) or to the goodwill store, we're gonna make this worth our while!

As for the multiple copies of brackets, I don't know why you've never done this before... I always print off at least 3 blank copies, and make at least 2 copies of my completed brackets. That way I've got my original, copies in case the original gets damaged or shit on, (as has been known to happen in past years,) and then at least one optional bracket for the "head vs. heart" picks, better mascot, better team colors, you know, whatever the criteria are for any given year's "optional bracket." How this has managed to escape someone of your vast march madness fervor (at least equal, if not greater than my own) is just beyond me! It's a tragedy of the highest order to be sure.

The resume will NOT be sent after consuming any kind of alcohol, pending sober proof-reading I, too, see the comedy in air-typing 400,000 WPM being wildly amusing after a few proper rounds, but in the harsh light of day we might have to disable the wireless internet while working on the resume to ensure nothing gets sent in as the direct result of a colossal error in judgment. I somehow don't see "master complainer, part-time self-destruction aficionado, and genuine sports enthusiast" being great "special skills" selling points to the fine folks over at your firm*, but hey, if we're a few sheets to the wind, it might make it on there. Who knows...

As for your assessment that the only way that this trip can go awry is if we end up in jail... Umm, personally, I'm of the belief that if we end up in jail, that is a highlight and illustrates the fact that we're doing it right! (They'd have to put us in isolation though, because I would run an all-too-high risk of running into my client base down at ye olde county clink.) And hell, a police cavity search would be the most action I've seen in a LONG time, so what the hell! We're gettin' arrested! As far as bar selection goes, there are no really great bars here, (I mean there are a few greats, but they are great in all the wrong ways,) so we really can't miss by using whatever selection available to our alcohol-limited faculties.

This trip keeps getting better and better in my mind. We're going to have to live up to some pretty high standards, so you better bring your A-game, Admiral"
As I've gotten more and more inebriated during the composition of this post, I've become less and less able to judge the merits of this post, and the e-mails, but you are smart, so you get the gist of the e-mails....

(*anything delivered in italics is subject to substitution to changes)

Meh... Welcome to my life, drunken or otherwise...

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