Monday, January 07, 2008

An open letter to my creditors:

Hey guys,

I hope everything is going ok on your end of things, I know it has been a while since we've talked. Lord knows that the payment I missed recently probably caused your CEO to think twice before purchasing that diamond encrusted bra for his mistress during their most recent excursion to Barbados. And when the boss has to think twice, we all know it makes him unhappy, and when the boss is unhappy, EVERYBODY is unhappy.

In all honesty, I am a responsible person! I keep track of my bills. I know when my monthly payments are due, and I have them spaced out to prevent overdrawing at the bank. I also know that I have to drive a crap ton for work and that gas, insurance, new tires, regular oil changes, and an unexpected brush with Officer Dick-Nose have cost me incredible sums of money lately. I also know that I have to pay those things first because getting a paycheck is dependent on those things being done. And as much as I would love to say that eating isn't something that I need to do, I'm sorry to report that I lack the willpower of the genuine anorexics out there, and I do eat. And if it were up to me, I'd live at my mom's house since I'm in the same town, but having another cantankerous turd around prevents saving money on the rent in that way. It should also be noted that while you might not particularly care, my job --despite serving the greater good, doesn't exactly keep me rolling in dough.

So I'm sorry about that missed payment. And I'm sorry that the boss is pissed off about second-guessing that diamond encrusted bra investment. If I could pay you with perfectly poured cosmopolitans and vodka tonics, I would. If I could pay you with hand-knit scarves, or hand beaded jewelry, I'd be all over it! If I could pay you with quips, and anecdotes in verbal or written formats, I would pay you all in full with no problem... But alas, you don't want any of that! You want cold hard American currency... In that regard, you kind of suck. Hasn't anyone told you that the dollar is floundering? I mean you'd totally be better off diversifying your payment options to include barter and trade goods!

I mean I'm not telling you how to run things, but seriously, THINK ABOUT IT!



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