Happy Halloween!!!

Ok, not to toot my own horn here, (Oh who are we kidding, blogging is all about tooting one's own horn!) but I gotta say that I'm a bit of a pumpkin carving badass!

The pumpkin I carved at Kirsten's ("haunted tree" and stars) stayed at her house. In an effort to be festive at home as well, I carved a home pumpkin too!

This year for the home pumpkin, I decided on a pirate ship, complete with a Jolly Roger skull and cross bones on the main sail! I also put stars all around the rest of the outside on this one too because I really like the idea of carving the whole pumpkin rather than just one side.

Trust me when I tell you that the pictures don't do it justice!

Light posting...

I know that I haven't posted anything in a week.

I would tell you that I'm sorry, but I don't want to lie to you, I'm not sorry.

The fact is that I'm lazy. And as a lazy person I like to spend my spare time snoozing at home because that is a free activity, which allows me to save my money to do more important things later, like drinking and buying pretty things to put in the apartment where I snooze.

Furthermore, posting is probably going to remain light for the next couple of weeks, because I have monthly reports coming up and I also need to take my computer to have it serviced... And we all know that takes FORRRR-EVVVV- VERRRRR.

Yeah, that's really it for now... If you're really jonesin' for a Lizzle fix, just go to the archives, click around and find some posts from back in my heyday... Some of the quotes back in the day were really fantastic!

Let's dish... Vacation edition!

So you all know I took a little time off to visit the only roommate that I've ever lived with and continued to be friends with beyond the timing and living constraints of a lease.

I called up Kirsten (also known as "The Admiral") a few weeks ago, and told her I needed a mental health break, and I had some vacation days to burn, so I was willing to spend them to come to see her if she was willing to have me as a guest. She was more than willing to put me up and put up with me for an extended weekend, and actually quite excited at the prospect, so off I went!

First off, let me just say that a three day work week was EXACTLY what I needed... And when you follow a three day work week with three days of drinking your face off, you're really doing quite well.

It should be noted that one week prior to my arrival, The Admiral and her boyfriend of two years ended their relationship... The timing of my trip was unintentionally fortuitous. But upon my arrival, it became quite clear that Kirsten was not in need of a shoulder to cry on, or anything of that nature... No. She had already rebounded, and was on top of her game in peak condition. I can honestly say that I've never seen her so happy or healthy looking. It made me feel good to see her feeling so good. The timing was fortuitous for reasons other than consolation.

We had a little chat over beers to bring each other up to speed, and then we were off to dinner and then out to the bar.

Kirsten prepared me for what was to come... A bar that smelled of "hobo sweat and stale beer" but was otherwise awesome because one could get an adult beverage for two dollars which was roughly 20 oz, and almost entirely liquor... Mind you, we are not talking about QUALITY liquor, but the quantities for the money certainly got the job done.

And of course, here are the pictures.


Kara told Kirsten something which caused a look of utter disbelief... Hell if I know what it was, I was too busy pounding down my liquor-riffic drink.


Kara was all smiles as she told her story though...


Tricia on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with any of it.


You can tell we are no longer on the first round at this point... Though with the strength of those beverages, the first round was really the equivalent of 4-5 rounds.


Kirsten has not had enough to drink to be ready, willing, or able to properly pose for a picture, so I took a picture of her waving me off, because that's what I do.


After we'd been around for a while, the crazies began showing up... And despite the fact that this was not the weekend that people get dressed up in Halloween costumes, a few of the nut jobs decided to go ahead and give their costumes a test run I suppose... It started out easily enough with a simple guy in a chicken costume.


And it didn't escape our attention when the power ranger began adjusting the drum kit...


And (ATTENTION ELAINE!!!) Elvis is not dead! I saw him this past weekend, and while he's seen better days, he still had all his moves... And an impressive swath of chest hair... And a SERIOUSLY impressive rack. (I mean really... His were totally bigger than mine!)


Kirsten and Kara are so kind to pose for us.


Kirsten's coworker Lara had herself a fancy new tattoo, so we took a picture of it... Because really, who doesn't love pictures of fancy new tattoos?


We really don't know why, but Ted (right) was busy all night trying to hump a few of his male cohorts, despite SUPPOSEDLY being a heterosexual male... I don't know if he was afraid we'd judge him for just coming out or something, but really, we judge him WAY more harshly for humping guys without reason.


No, I don't think Kirsten and Flav are actually making out here, (they are close to it though and they did do their fair share of that, but we'll get to that stuff later...) I just really wanted to post this picture because it features Kirsten's tattoo of a lion fighting a unicorn, which made me inexplicably happy.


God... They are cute, though.


At a certain point we had to stage an intervention. Flav actually had to pull Ted aside and tell him to stop humping his friends... So sad, but as we can see Ted is unfazed.


And really it's not a real night out until Spiderman shows up.


Or Cookie Monster...


Or a guy dressed as a banana...


Oh wait, we nearly missed another superhero! And this was arguably one of my favorite pictures from the weekend... Because we didn't know Robin, he just kind of sat down at the end of our table, and didn't look too pleased when I took his picture... But I mean, I can understand why he'd be kind of bitter... I mean he's a superhero, and he's just trying to sit down and have a quiet drink, and here is the paparazzi hounding his every move.


Saturday was game day. After having a really uncomfortable run in with Kirsten's ex, we were off for more alcohol and some serious sports. Ohio State won, of course, at one point I came face to face with the devil, and I refused to acknowledge her presence, and then we played some utterly ridiculous drinking game which was a combination of beer pong and flip cup which had way too many rules and way too many players, which inevitably resulted in most of us sobering up during the course of events, and when you're playing a drinking game, that's REALLY NOT THE GOAL.

After a while, we took off to meet up with Travis and Nikki. Travis is a standup comic, and Nikki is a dancing fool... That about covers it. Nikki started her dancing shortly after our arrival, and kept it up all night.


She even danced in a phone booth... That takes dedication and serious commitment to the art and craft of the dance!


We did note this pimped out taxi... Complete with rims.


Upon entering the bar, Kirsten was utterly horrified at a truly horrendous Latino gentleman on the dance floor who thought he would show off all his moves... I think you get a good mental picture of this guy just by seeing The Admiral's reaction to seeing his moves.


Nikki kept up her dance-tastic assault on the world, and on Travis in particular.


Nikki was totally ok with launching her dance-assault on the whole world... She was not going to be limited to only dancing with people and animals! She needed to hit up the inanimate objects too! A wall does the trick!


Travis has made the wrong move by suggesting that Nikki no longer dances with the wall... Nikki is displeased.


And so Nikki relaunches her dance assault on Travis... Poor Travis!


And after all that, she's still got the fire! The utter intensity! Can't you see it in her eyes?


God, they really are obnoxiously adorable, aren't they? Kirsten and Flav somehow managed to escape Nikki's dance attack!


Meanwhile Nikki found an inanimate object she had not danced with yet... So it's time to shake her money maker with a poster now!


Kirsten and Flav the morning after... I felt like a paparazzo taking pictures of people in otherwise private moments, but hell, I was already the third wheel, I was already there, so now they have a cute picture of themselves from that first weekend of obnoxious cuteness.


The Admiral and I rounded out our weekend with a couple of traditional 40 oz bottles of malt liquor, a bottle of red wine (we're classy like that!) and some pumpkin carving while watching "Hocus Pocus" and the Cleveland Indians' playoff collapse.

For the record, I had quite possibly the world's most perfect pumpkin... I mean really, it couldn't have been more perfect if Martha Stewart had genetically engineered, planted, cultivated, fertilized, and hand-selected this pumpkin herself... It was almost perfectly round, had no surface deformities or imperfections, and was the easiest pumpkin to scrape out that I've ever seen.


Aside from having a slightly elongated top half, Kirsten's pumpkin was also pretty damned sweet! (As shown, complete with delicate modeling hand!)


I carved one side with a "haunted tree" from the patterns we had, and pretty much the entire remaining circumference was carved with elegant stars. (Hand carved stars shown here.) Please note Kirsten's pretty kitty looking on over there in the chair, admiring the perfection of my pumpkin!


Oh, and there's the "haunted tree." It took me less than an inning to carve it... Don't ask me how that's possible, as I was really inebriated when I did it, but yeah, seriously, less than an inning.


That took us into Monday... Kirsten took off work to hang out since I had Monday off anyway, and so we jacked around, played some bocce in her front yard, and before the late afternoon storms got to rolling in, I took my leave of my friend... We pledged that we would make it happen again sooner rather than later. I have a feeling that if her new boy toy doesn't monopolize her completely for the next year, it's totally going to happen!

But I know what you really came here for... The quotes! (And we've got some gems!)

Kirsten: (While reminiscing about our college days when another roommate brought a rotted pumpkin into the dorm room and left it sit for approximately 1.5 months) "Dude! We couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from... We thought some creature had crawled in and died somewhere in the heating ducts! It smelled like a dirty diaper full of shrimp and some sumo wrestlers having sex in a butcher shop."

Kara: "The great thing about drinking like that the day before the game is that now I'm so dehydrated that no matter how much I drink during the game, I won't have to pee until like 4:30... That's like HALFTIME! EASY!"

Kirsten: "Man, you're either really REALLY drunk, or just randomly awesome... I mean you were just sitting all alone out in the middle of the back yard cackling at something."

Kirsten: (While watching "Trading Spaces") "If you think about it, they only spend $1000 on everything... So you know it's not great quality stuff. Especially not the stuff they craft themselves. --So yeah, congratulations, you got yourself a room full of crap!"

Nikki: "So in all those pictures, I noted very few of you... So you're just sitting here chronicling everyone else's drunken stupidity, and you get out cleanly. That's kind of awesome... I totally love you for that!"

Kirsten: "Hey, can I see your ring? It's AWESOME! I love it! But I couldn't ever wear it."
Liz: "Why the hell not?"
Kirsten: "Because when I put it on, I feel too much like a wizard!"

Kirsten: "Well, he's half black, and half Italian... So you know he's packin! I mean it's just genetics. He HAS TO BE!"
Liz: "There really is no doubt."
Kirsten: "I mean I kept my panties on, so I don't know anything for sure... I'm actually kind of proud of myself for keeping them on, because usually I get a few drinks in me, and WHOOPS! There I go sluttin' it up."
Liz: "Yeah, but you didn't slut it up on this one, you're becoming a grown up!"
Kirsten: "I gotta admit that I'm very curious about what he's packin' though."
Liz: "Well you know he's bringin' the heat... So when you kids get married, he'll just be standing up at the front of the church smiling, and his huge cock can walk you down the aisle."

Kirsten: "Yeah [Kirsten's ex] was just standing there blubbering, and he said something stupid... and to make matters worse, he said it wrong, so he was just looking incredibly dumb, and I couldn't resist bringing out the verbal red pen and despite his pathetic tears, I corrected him. I'm a grammar nazi, what can I say... I felt kind of bad, but I just couldn't resist."

Kirsten: (While watching the Indians' collapse in games 6 and 7 of the AL playoffs) "I am seething with rage right now... I'm an anger parfait! I mean I feel like my whole body is made out of fire right now!"

Liz: "You know what? Out of sheer tradition, we are going to need some forties to go with this wine."
Kirsten: "Oh shit yes! We're classy like that!"

Liz: "This pumpkin is so perfect, I must say, I'm just a little bit aroused."
Kirsten: "After seeing how easily you were able to scrape it out, I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit aroused by your pumpkin too."

Liz: "Hey! Look! One of the seeds in my pumpkin has already started to sprout! It's like it just germinated in it's own awesomeness!"
Kirsten: "And you hacked it open... Oh my god, your pumpkin was totally pregnant."
Liz: "Did I just inadvertently abort this pumpkin?"
Kirsten: "Well, you didn't know she was knocked up... Maybe you were just responsible for a miscarriage... (Two beats later) ...Good god, we really are the most inappropriate people!"

(While discussing a really obnoxiously persistent guy who tried to pick me up at the bar)
Kirsten: "Yeah, he just wouldn't stop... I stayed at the table to see what you would do. I mean I know you well enough to know that when you're not feeling a guy you feel absolutely no remorse about getting totally inappropriate."
Liz: "He could have immensely improved his chances by at least buying me a drink, but he didn't do that... So I had to fend him off."
Kirsten: "I just had to know how you were going to keep him from dragging you on the dance floor."
Liz: "Well, despite everything else I said, I think I missed an opportunity. I mean he really wanted me to dance, and I dance, just not with him."
Kirsten: "What do you mean you missed an opportunity?"
Liz: "Well, despite all the other inappropriate things I said, I should have told him that I don't dance because I'm really sensitive and self conscious about having a fake leg... But then he would have wanted to see it, or smell the inside of it or something... Even without a fake leg, I just attract those kinds of freaks."
Kirsten: "OH MY GOD! A FAKE LEG!!! Why did you not use that? I think that would have been the best thing I would ever have heard in a bar... Though in retrospect, since you mention it now, that's got to be one of the best things I've ever heard outside the bar."

Peace out, sluts!

I'm on vacation until Tuesday. Don't expect posts until at least Tuesday night.

The post upon my return should have some serious QOTDs though, because I'm going to visit the admiral!

You sluts be good while I'm gone. (Don't give each other crabs! I'm not taking you to the pharmacy like last time!)

Peace out!

~Liz~

Knock knock...

Is anyone home?

I am so shocked that I got ZERO COMMENTS on that last post!

I'm convinced that through some publishing error, that I was the only one able to see the fact that anything had been written, and that everyone else who stopped by only saw the post about my birthday presents from a couple days ago, rather than the youtube clip and the radiohead review I posted yesterday.

It has happened before, I've caught it a few times while checking for comments from computers outside my home. I don't know why it happens, but I really hope that this is what happened rather than the alternative. (The alternative being that you all came by, saw what I posted, thought I was an absolute idiot and out of pity decided not to call me out on it... It's either that, or you've all just stopped reading because I am that pathetic right now... The alternatives are totally plausible, but I choose to believe that it's not the case.)

I'm hoping that this post sticks, and that you're able to enjoy the youtube clip and radiohead review posts if or when they show up.

Obscenely amusing...

Try to watch this video without your jaw dropping... Try to watch it without laughing... Try to watch it and then not want to watch it again to catch the words of the little song...

I bet you can't do it! This is point blank the most incredible youtube clip EVER!
(Totally safe for work despite providing obscene amounts of amusement.)




Don't miss the Radiohead "In Rainbows" review in the post below...

You asked for it...

In my last post I mentioned that I recently received the newest release from Radiohead. I had a couple of requests for reviews of the album... Well with the twitch of my nose, and a few swift keystrokes from my fingers, ABRACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! Your wish is granted. Congrats.

I could take the lazy man's approach and merely repost other people's reviews of the album, but I love you, (and Radiohead,) too much to leave it at that.

I will start off by noting that this album, like previous Radiohead releases, has all the band's hallmarks. But it is decidedly different at the same time... There is a little bit of techno-synth, but not in the high doses you may have come to expect. Instead, they've ramped up the mournfully bluesy guitar riffs and delicate piano playing, and used the techno-tones much more sparingly. Of course you still get Thom Yorke's oftentimes almost eerily simple and bare vocals and the full spectrum of lush musical accompaniment sometimes running the gamut and eventually paring down to ultra-simplified vocal track laid over a simple drum beat.

You also get an interesting mix of upbeat and slower tracks that you should expect as a Radiohead fan. Never a band to issue a predictable album "In Rainbows" opens with some very up tempo numbers, then they scale it back with a couple of slower tracks. They keep you guessing by toying with the tempo on the fourth track "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi." You find yourself wanting to pay just a little closer attention to catch the changes in beat over the course of this undulating, yet totally cohesive track.

At this point, I would like to note that my brother was totally right when he handed me my copy of the disk. Track five, "All I Need" is decidedly the black-widow-style-killer track. It is one of those tracks which insidiously gets into your psyche, tells you that it loves you, makes you believe it, and then totally ends you before you even know what's going on! You're going to find yourself with this track on single-track repeat for a while... I promise you.

The middle tracks of the album slow things down, but headed into the final tracks things speed up somewhat on "Jigsaw falling into place" with simple vocals over a toe-tapping beat that ropes in and refocuses your attention all over again. And the final track "Videotape" keeps it simple with a slower beat, pared down instrumentation, and soft vocals, cleansing the musical palate, leaving you with a satiated sense of completion.

On the whole, "In Rainbows" as an album is a rib-sticking meal of an album, comprised of tunes both intense and delicate, both sweet and savory. The only complaint I would lodge with the house on this one is that after going so long without hearing from Radiohead, this album, at ten tracks which clock in at just over 42 minutes, while satisfying, just made me wish there was more left on the table so that I could gorge myself with more. But that's why you just put it on album-repeat and let it keep on spinning after the first listen... You just want to have more.

In all, I think the album adheres to the Nick Hornby/Rob Gordon (High Fidelity) maxim of album composition... "The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules..."

4.5 out of 5 stars.

Check it out for yourself, download it for whatever price you're willing to pay at www.inrainbows.com. You won't regret taking the time to give this worthy album a good listen.

Birthday presents...

I met up with my dad, my brother, and what is essentially my sister in-law last night.

They wanted to get together to celebrate my birthday.

My dad did well with my birthday gift this year. He bought me dinner, he bought all the drinks for the evening, and he gave me a card with a little cash in it... A winner all around in my book.

My brother showed up a little late, and brought in my gift. He handed me a box which contained a little tabletop fountain, and he gave me a CD.

I thanked them accordingly, and noted that I was excited about the CD. (It was the new Radiohead album.) Which prompted the following conversation:

Lizzle: "Oh awesome! This is the new one!"
Brother: "Yeah, I thought you might like it!"
Lizzle: "This is the one causing all the fuss because they are letting the fans choose the price and then download it!"
Brother: "Yeah, I got to choose the price, and the price I chose was FREE."
Lizzle: "It's nice to know I mean that much to you."
Brother: "Yeah well, if it makes you feel any better about it, the price I chose for my own copy was FREE too... So I think of you as an equal."
Lizzle: "Well that means a lot! Thanks.
Brother: "Don't mention it... Oh, by the way, track five... AWESOME. ...TRACK FIVE!"

Another year older...

So yesterday was my birthday...

It was one of those birthdays which passed relatively uneventfully.

I did have a little time spent in reflection on the day, and it was kind of a mixed bag. I thought about my place in life at the moment... I hate the city where I live, but I love my apartment. I like my job but hate my cases. So on the whole, I am claiming little victories instead of being joyful about the big picture.

It was one of those birthdays where I thought about the changes that come with the new number... My insurance is lower now than it was in years past, but I again realized I lost a part of my childhood when I came to the realization that I have three kinds of insurance and as a result I have a multi-line discount. Whether I feel like it or not, I am slowly becoming a grownup.

About a week ago I resolved a debt which came as a result of my many months of unemployment... Once again, reminding me of my transition into responsible adulthood. I know that 60% of Americans are in debt, and yeah, I've still got my student loans to pay off, but that aside, I am now financially solvent. My credit record is still a wreck as a result of that long stint of unemployment, but I'm working on it... The fact that I care about what is on my credit report is another indicator to me that I'm losing my childhood.

When I was a kid my biggest concerns were things like spelling homework or what color I was going to use on whatever it was that I was painting in art class. Back then, I spent my time worried about making it out to play at the park, or making it to soccer practice on time so I didn't have to run extra laps. Now it's been replaced with, "Did I mail my payments for my electricity, and my cell phone? I don't want to get late fees or a shutoff notice." or "Do I need to go to the grocery tonight, or do I have enough nutritious stuff to get me through one more day, or will I get stuck eating whatever crap that's left in the fridge?" or "Where's my skillet? Is it clean or did I forget to run the dishwasher?"

I don't think I have to tell any of you that I am not excited about the prospect of being an adult. I mean yeah, there are certain parts of adulthood that I'm all for, like driving, and being able to order a drink without being carded, and being able to afford the things I want without having to ask someone else for the money because 30 hours a week of lifeguarding after school and on weekends didn't leave me with enough money once I paid for car insurance and gas. But I miss the days when I had no bigger concern than what color my prom dress was going to be.

I drive past the local universities and see the undergrads walking around, laughing without a care in the world... Part of me pities them because they have no idea what awaits them, and part of me admittedly envies them because of the carefree attitude that comes with no real immediate expenses (student loans are a wonder when you're still in school!) and that delayed collision with the real world, and as a direct result, the delay of the realization of how shitty the real world can be.

I mean, if someone were to come into my home now, without any knowledge of the circumstances which have shaped my current position, one would think that I'm doing well for myself, and that I live pretty high on the hog... and in the grand scheme of things, I suppose I am doing pretty well for myself. Things certainly have been, and could be a whole lot worse. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not living in a drug-ridden, slum of an apartment complex on the state dole either. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for my next meal or whether or not I'm going to be able to make rent next month. I know that from the company founder on down, they love me at my office, and that as a result I have a whole lot of job security. No, it's not totally the life that I wanted for myself at this point, but it could always be worse, so there's no real use in complaining... Well, there's a use in it, because it does make me feel a little better, but again, in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn't really do any good.

For those of you who are interested in the events of the birthday proper, I spent much of it cursing my clients because they frustrate the ever-living shit out of me, and they test my patience almost every waking moment of the day. The rest of it was spent fielding a few birthday calls and well wishes, and I rounded it out by meeting up with one of my friends (who shares my birthday) at the bar for a couple of rounds, where she complained that she had a shitty birthday too.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better...

A message from under the rock...

Apparently I have been living under a rock all my life because I only now found out about my latest diversion.

I was talking to Kirsten about my impending trip and other things and we got to talking about websites we use to divert attention from just how pathetic our existences tend to be.

I sent her over to the highly comical www.blackpeopleloveus.com

Kirsten's response: "Oh my god! This is AWESOME! This is one of those open-a -bottle -of -wine- and -make- a -night- of- it-websites!"

She then informed me about an INCREDIBLE webtastic diversion known as www.prisonpenpals.com

Since then I have been gorging myself on missives from prisoners across the globe. Such high comedy! Of course many of them are "not guilty" and are "attacking their convictions." Which I assume is jail-speak for seeking an appeal. And it is utterly hilarious when they are incarcerated for capital murder in Texas... I mean really... If you're in jail for CAPITAL MURDER IN TEXAS, I think your appeal is probably not going anywhere... Oh, and NEITHER ARE YOU! You're not getting out! You're in the express lane to the gas chamber!

Perhaps it's cruel of me to laugh at the missives of people who are sitting in the can just waiting for their turn in the electric chair, or however it is that Texas is bumping off the criminal population these days, but really, go read some of those ads, I GUARANTEE you'll be laughing too.

There are some more run of the mill felons there too... Arsonists, cannabis growers, weapons related felons, parole violators... You know, "lesser felons."

This ad absolutely had me soiling myself with laughter... I mean I gotta give the guy points for directness, but he just totally skipped the getting-to-know-you pleasantries and pointed out, (Note: this is a direct quote!) "I'm in search of a sex slave to participate in all my wild & sexual fantasies. So let's have a wet & wild time. What do you say?"

Sorry guy, I'm going to have to say no. Nothing against you for trying to get yours, but I think I'll pass. I am all for pursuing a non-traditional sex life if that's your thing, but I don't think I am going to venture out and start up a dominant-submissive "slave" fantasy with a convicted felon. That's a little too non-traditional and risky even for me. I mean, talk about begging for trouble...

The ads from the ladies are a riot too! There are too many good ones to pick one to show you here, but just trust me when I say you HAVE to check them out!

I hope I've opened your eyes to a new time-waster! Now if you'll forgive me, I've got to get back and search for my one true love... my diamond in the rough... Oh who the hell am I kidding, I just want to get back to laughing at these folks!

Stop beating yourself up!

It was a big weekend in Chicago sports...

As we entered the weekend, the Cubs were still in the playoffs, the Bears had a hugely important game looming against the Packers, and the Chicago marathon was scheduled to take place.

The Cubs let me (and all the other die-hards) down, got swept, and turned to a shameful place in the history of baseball by going 100 years without a World Series victory. I love my Cubbies, but even I freely admit that this has just gotten to be ridiculous. Triple digits without a championship is not good.

The Bears on the other hand, pulled out a win when they really needed it. And to go into Lambeau Field with a 1-3 record, and face the 4-0 Packers on their turf, that was no easy task.

The Chicago Marathon is really where I want to focus my attention at the moment though... I'm an athlete, but admittedly not a runner. Never have been. I have NEVER gone for a run and enjoyed it, and how anyone else does is just a mystery to me. As a result of my disposition towards running in general, the Chicago Marathon, or any other marathon is just mind boggling to me. Why would anyone want to torture themselves so much as to want to run for more than 26 miles? Let's not even get into the months of running one has to do to train for such an event. I mean I've been to the Chicago marathon. I've seen runners take their shoes off at the end of the event and peel off blisters which used to be the sole of their foot. I've seen runners who forgot to put band-aids on and come away with bloodied nipples because their shirts rubbed the protruding skin off over the course of the 26.2 miles. I have seen sports-related stress fractures, shin splints, and tendinitis galore. I understand that when you've trained for months and months to do something that when the day comes, you really want to do it... But in addition to saying I don't understand the appeal of that training, I'm addressing the fact that the people who ran the Chicago marathon today were flat out crazed... So much so that of the 35,000* who registered and ran (*there were an additional roughly 10,000 marathoners who had enough sense to say "88 DEGREES AND HIGH HUMIDITY? F-THIS!" and stay at home,) but of the idiots who ran, 300+ landed themselves in the hospital, and one ran himself into the morgue. THE MORGUE!

Seriously.

The dude was from Michigan, not Kenya. Which basically means, he wasn't going to win the marathon, and he had to know that going in. Despite that fact, the dude literally RAN HIMSELF TO DEATH! What kind of masochist says to himself, "Hey, I know I'm not going to win this race, and I literally feel like I'm going to die, but I think I'll keep going!" I mean, REALLY, who does that? Because the body does give you clues and cues to let you know that things are shutting down and not functioning normally... And most of them are pretty tough to miss.

Here's a tip: If you're doing something that is already as physically taxing as a marathon, and you're so determined that you are willing to do it on a day when it's 88 degrees with high humidity, if your body starts sending you messages that you're not going to be able to finish, then STOP. Trust me when I tell you that no matter what you think, a 4,679th place finish ISN'T WORTH YOUR LIFE! Just slow down, walk off to the side, have a Gatorade, and then you can go home, hug your spouse and your kids (if applicable,) and start training for the next big race.

As I've already said, I don't understand runners as it is... but I REALLY don't understand a marathoner or any other runner willing to run to the point of death. I know that people unexpectedly die while running every day, and that people die doing all kinds of other things too. They die in their sleep, they die jumping motorcycles over gorges, they die from heart disease, they die by choking on the cheeseburger they were inhaling, I get it... People kick it all the time. And there is no controlling when we kick it... But let's not get into all that.

In fact, let's just move on after noting the fact that I think anyone who ran that marathon in the heat is beyond crazy.

Moving on, I got a lovely new bag on Friday, because it was payday and I wanted it... Actually I in the capitalist, consumerist mindset, I needed a nice brown bag to go with my newest brown heels. Pictures to come for those of you who give a rat's ass. I've also been meaning to post pictures of my apartment, and pictures of assorted social events I've attended... I've been too busy and too lazy to do so thus far. I figure if I keep pointing out that I plan on doing it, eventually one of you will get so fed up with me that you will demand it, and seeing as I have a habit of pandering to my limited audience, eventually I will do it.

I guess that's the update... Now go look at that cute little pygmy hippo in the post below!

It's that time of the month...

Oh shut up. This is so not about "Aunt Flo" coming to town...

Seeing as I operate under the assumption that I only have a few loyal readers who bother to check in around here, and that nobody else bothers with this drivel, you know by now that it's time once again for Lizzle's monthly reports to be turned in at work. This of course means that it's 3:00 AM and I am not working on my monthly reports, but rather, I am procrastinating. It's only natural.

So as a matter of course, there is a re-airing of a Conan O'Brien show which aired last week going on the television, and I'm writing this post instead of doing any real work.

I mean I've already got three of my six reports done... But two of the three remaining reports are RIDICULOUSLY MASSIVE and I just REALLY don't want to work on them.

[I took a break at this point in composing the post to work on a watercolor painting... That's just how much I am procrastinating]

I'm thinking that tomorrow is pretty much going to SUUUUUUCK, and that I am going to be functioning pretty much entirely on caffeine. Delightful.

I should like to note at this point that my gaseous emissions have subsided a great deal since my admission, and once again, there were no changes in my diet, so I have no clue what happened.

Perhaps I should take a nap now... Sleep for a couple hours and then get back to work... I dunno. I had planned on working on my stuff Friday morning, but seeing as the local high schools are taking a day off, I decided to take the opportunity to meet with one of my mentoring kiddos instead of working late on Saturday... Because really, nobody wants to work late on a Saturday!

I suppose I should also point out that I am planning a trip out to Columbus, Ohio to see my favorite former roommate, Kirsten "The Admiral."

Yeah... so the Today Show is already on... Damn, I SOOOO gotta get to work!

But before I go, here's a picture of a baby pygmy hippopotamus, because I said so.

Owning it...

I've never been one to beat around the bush unless it was in the interest of quality in suspenseful story telling.

In the interest of full disclosure, and being as self-deprecating and direct as you all know me to be, I'm going to tell you a little secret... and I'm going to own it.

For roughly the last week or so, I have been gassy enough that I half expect soldiers on my doorstep because they had heard about a mythically large domestic gas reserve.

Seriously.

Lately, I have been cutting more cheese than the entire state of Wisconsin. And I don't mean to be totally crass here, but (again, in the interest of full disclosure) forgive me for saying, it is not only plentiful, it is also potent.

I am not bothered by being a little gassy, I mean everybody breaks wind. I saw a statistic which stated that the average person pooted something like 14 times a day. (This would include gaseous emissions while asleep too.) And though I can't attest to my gas or lack thereof when I am asleep, I think on the whole, I've been below average on that for a long time. I assure you that now I am performing well above average, and I am baffled by it.

I must say that I am mystified as to the origins of my wind. I have not changed my diet lately, I have not added anything new, and I haven't stopped eating anything I normally eat. And considering I've been toot-tastic for a week, I would think that there would have to be a relatively large dietary change to prompt such a lasting event.

I talked to an anonymous source who mentioned that she would get pretty windy before "that time of the month" but I can assure you that that's not the case in my instance.

I don't know what's going on... Your thoughts?

In other dietary news, any semblance of a diet goes out the window this week, because this is the week for "Fall Festival" which is one of the nation's largest street festivals, and gives every fatass in my town an excuse to devour endless amounts of grease-tastic foods, drink heavily, ride some rides, and play carnival games. If you think this is related to my gas troubles, I assure you it's not, because I haven't ventured down to the festival yet, and as I already stated, the gas has been here for better than a week.

In unrelated news, I got a new end table for my living room, and I nearly made a name for myself in this town because I damn near ran over a rather popular Latvian volleyball player while driving on a major street near one of the local universities. She has been on the news lately for being a champ on the court and all, but apparently she's not all that sharp, because bitch was just standing out in the middle of traffic in dark colors after dusk... Maybe she misses her Latvian home and as a result of her homesickness/depression, she has a death wish, I don't know. I just know that she scared the bejeezus out of me when I finally saw her in the road and avoided her.

This is as good a place to end the post as any... Have a spectacular day. Get out and enjoy that fall weather!