Monday, October 01, 2007

Owning it...

I've never been one to beat around the bush unless it was in the interest of quality in suspenseful story telling.

In the interest of full disclosure, and being as self-deprecating and direct as you all know me to be, I'm going to tell you a little secret... and I'm going to own it.

For roughly the last week or so, I have been gassy enough that I half expect soldiers on my doorstep because they had heard about a mythically large domestic gas reserve.


Lately, I have been cutting more cheese than the entire state of Wisconsin. And I don't mean to be totally crass here, but (again, in the interest of full disclosure) forgive me for saying, it is not only plentiful, it is also potent.

I am not bothered by being a little gassy, I mean everybody breaks wind. I saw a statistic which stated that the average person pooted something like 14 times a day. (This would include gaseous emissions while asleep too.) And though I can't attest to my gas or lack thereof when I am asleep, I think on the whole, I've been below average on that for a long time. I assure you that now I am performing well above average, and I am baffled by it.

I must say that I am mystified as to the origins of my wind. I have not changed my diet lately, I have not added anything new, and I haven't stopped eating anything I normally eat. And considering I've been toot-tastic for a week, I would think that there would have to be a relatively large dietary change to prompt such a lasting event.

I talked to an anonymous source who mentioned that she would get pretty windy before "that time of the month" but I can assure you that that's not the case in my instance.

I don't know what's going on... Your thoughts?

In other dietary news, any semblance of a diet goes out the window this week, because this is the week for "Fall Festival" which is one of the nation's largest street festivals, and gives every fatass in my town an excuse to devour endless amounts of grease-tastic foods, drink heavily, ride some rides, and play carnival games. If you think this is related to my gas troubles, I assure you it's not, because I haven't ventured down to the festival yet, and as I already stated, the gas has been here for better than a week.

In unrelated news, I got a new end table for my living room, and I nearly made a name for myself in this town because I damn near ran over a rather popular Latvian volleyball player while driving on a major street near one of the local universities. She has been on the news lately for being a champ on the court and all, but apparently she's not all that sharp, because bitch was just standing out in the middle of traffic in dark colors after dusk... Maybe she misses her Latvian home and as a result of her homesickness/depression, she has a death wish, I don't know. I just know that she scared the bejeezus out of me when I finally saw her in the road and avoided her.

This is as good a place to end the post as any... Have a spectacular day. Get out and enjoy that fall weather!

No comments: