I called up Kirsten (also known as "The Admiral") a few weeks ago, and told her I needed a mental health break, and I had some vacation days to burn, so I was willing to spend them to come to see her if she was willing to have me as a guest. She was more than willing to put me up and put up with me for an extended weekend, and actually quite excited at the prospect, so off I went!
First off, let me just say that a three day work week was EXACTLY what I needed... And when you follow a three day work week with three days of drinking your face off, you're really doing quite well.
It should be noted that one week prior to my arrival, The Admiral and her boyfriend of two years ended their relationship... The timing of my trip was unintentionally fortuitous. But upon my arrival, it became quite clear that Kirsten was not in need of a shoulder to cry on, or anything of that nature... No. She had already rebounded, and was on top of her game in peak condition. I can honestly say that I've never seen her so happy or healthy looking. It made me feel good to see her feeling so good. The timing was fortuitous for reasons other than consolation.
We had a little chat over beers to bring each other up to speed, and then we were off to dinner and then out to the bar.
Kirsten prepared me for what was to come... A bar that smelled of "hobo sweat and stale beer" but was otherwise awesome because one could get an adult beverage for two dollars which was roughly 20 oz, and almost entirely liquor... Mind you, we are not talking about QUALITY liquor, but the quantities for the money certainly got the job done.
And of course, here are the pictures.
Kara told Kirsten something which caused a look of utter disbelief... Hell if I know what it was, I was too busy pounding down my liquor-riffic drink.
Kara was all smiles as she told her story though...
Tricia on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with any of it.
You can tell we are no longer on the first round at this point... Though with the strength of those beverages, the first round was really the equivalent of 4-5 rounds.
Kirsten has not had enough to drink to be ready, willing, or able to properly pose for a picture, so I took a picture of her waving me off, because that's what I do.
After we'd been around for a while, the crazies began showing up... And despite the fact that this was not the weekend that people get dressed up in Halloween costumes, a few of the nut jobs decided to go ahead and give their costumes a test run I suppose... It started out easily enough with a simple guy in a chicken costume.
And it didn't escape our attention when the power ranger began adjusting the drum kit...
And (ATTENTION ELAINE!!!) Elvis is not dead! I saw him this past weekend, and while he's seen better days, he still had all his moves... And an impressive swath of chest hair... And a SERIOUSLY impressive rack. (I mean really... His were totally bigger than mine!)
Kirsten and Kara are so kind to pose for us.
Kirsten's coworker Lara had herself a fancy new tattoo, so we took a picture of it... Because really, who doesn't love pictures of fancy new tattoos?
We really don't know why, but Ted (right) was busy all night trying to hump a few of his male cohorts, despite SUPPOSEDLY being a heterosexual male... I don't know if he was afraid we'd judge him for just coming out or something, but really, we judge him WAY more harshly for humping guys without reason.
No, I don't think Kirsten and Flav are actually making out here, (they are close to it though and they did do their fair share of that, but we'll get to that stuff later...) I just really wanted to post this picture because it features Kirsten's tattoo of a lion fighting a unicorn, which made me inexplicably happy.
God... They are cute, though.
At a certain point we had to stage an intervention. Flav actually had to pull Ted aside and tell him to stop humping his friends... So sad, but as we can see Ted is unfazed.
And really it's not a real night out until Spiderman shows up.
Or Cookie Monster...
Or a guy dressed as a banana...
Oh wait, we nearly missed another superhero! And this was arguably one of my favorite pictures from the weekend... Because we didn't know Robin, he just kind of sat down at the end of our table, and didn't look too pleased when I took his picture... But I mean, I can understand why he'd be kind of bitter... I mean he's a superhero, and he's just trying to sit down and have a quiet drink, and here is the paparazzi hounding his every move.
Saturday was game day. After having a really uncomfortable run in with Kirsten's ex, we were off for more alcohol and some serious sports. Ohio State won, of course, at one point I came face to face with the devil, and I refused to acknowledge her presence, and then we played some utterly ridiculous drinking game which was a combination of beer pong and flip cup which had way too many rules and way too many players, which inevitably resulted in most of us sobering up during the course of events, and when you're playing a drinking game, that's REALLY NOT THE GOAL.
After a while, we took off to meet up with Travis and Nikki. Travis is a standup comic, and Nikki is a dancing fool... That about covers it. Nikki started her dancing shortly after our arrival, and kept it up all night.
She even danced in a phone booth... That takes dedication and serious commitment to the art and craft of the dance!
We did note this pimped out taxi... Complete with rims.
Upon entering the bar, Kirsten was utterly horrified at a truly horrendous Latino gentleman on the dance floor who thought he would show off all his moves... I think you get a good mental picture of this guy just by seeing The Admiral's reaction to seeing his moves.
Nikki kept up her dance-tastic assault on the world, and on Travis in particular.
Nikki was totally ok with launching her dance-assault on the whole world... She was not going to be limited to only dancing with people and animals! She needed to hit up the inanimate objects too! A wall does the trick!
Travis has made the wrong move by suggesting that Nikki no longer dances with the wall... Nikki is displeased.
And so Nikki relaunches her dance assault on Travis... Poor Travis!
And after all that, she's still got the fire! The utter intensity! Can't you see it in her eyes?
God, they really are obnoxiously adorable, aren't they? Kirsten and Flav somehow managed to escape Nikki's dance attack!
Meanwhile Nikki found an inanimate object she had not danced with yet... So it's time to shake her money maker with a poster now!
Kirsten and Flav the morning after... I felt like a paparazzo taking pictures of people in otherwise private moments, but hell, I was already the third wheel, I was already there, so now they have a cute picture of themselves from that first weekend of obnoxious cuteness.
The Admiral and I rounded out our weekend with a couple of traditional 40 oz bottles of malt liquor, a bottle of red wine (we're classy like that!) and some pumpkin carving while watching "Hocus Pocus" and the Cleveland Indians' playoff collapse.
For the record, I had quite possibly the world's most perfect pumpkin... I mean really, it couldn't have been more perfect if Martha Stewart had genetically engineered, planted, cultivated, fertilized, and hand-selected this pumpkin herself... It was almost perfectly round, had no surface deformities or imperfections, and was the easiest pumpkin to scrape out that I've ever seen.
Aside from having a slightly elongated top half, Kirsten's pumpkin was also pretty damned sweet! (As shown, complete with delicate modeling hand!)
I carved one side with a "haunted tree" from the patterns we had, and pretty much the entire remaining circumference was carved with elegant stars. (Hand carved stars shown here.) Please note Kirsten's pretty kitty looking on over there in the chair, admiring the perfection of my pumpkin!
Oh, and there's the "haunted tree." It took me less than an inning to carve it... Don't ask me how that's possible, as I was really inebriated when I did it, but yeah, seriously, less than an inning.
That took us into Monday... Kirsten took off work to hang out since I had Monday off anyway, and so we jacked around, played some bocce in her front yard, and before the late afternoon storms got to rolling in, I took my leave of my friend... We pledged that we would make it happen again sooner rather than later. I have a feeling that if her new boy toy doesn't monopolize her completely for the next year, it's totally going to happen!
But I know what you really came here for... The quotes! (And we've got some gems!)
Kirsten: (While reminiscing about our college days when another roommate brought a rotted pumpkin into the dorm room and left it sit for approximately 1.5 months) "Dude! We couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from... We thought some creature had crawled in and died somewhere in the heating ducts! It smelled like a dirty diaper full of shrimp and some sumo wrestlers having sex in a butcher shop."
Kara: "The great thing about drinking like that the day before the game is that now I'm so dehydrated that no matter how much I drink during the game, I won't have to pee until like 4:30... That's like HALFTIME! EASY!"
Kirsten: "Man, you're either really REALLY drunk, or just randomly awesome... I mean you were just sitting all alone out in the middle of the back yard cackling at something."
Kirsten: (While watching "Trading Spaces") "If you think about it, they only spend $1000 on everything... So you know it's not great quality stuff. Especially not the stuff they craft themselves. --So yeah, congratulations, you got yourself a room full of crap!"
Nikki: "So in all those pictures, I noted very few of you... So you're just sitting here chronicling everyone else's drunken stupidity, and you get out cleanly. That's kind of awesome... I totally love you for that!"
Kirsten: "Hey, can I see your ring? It's AWESOME! I love it! But I couldn't ever wear it."
Liz: "Why the hell not?"
Kirsten: "Because when I put it on, I feel too much like a wizard!"
Kirsten: "Well, he's half black, and half Italian... So you know he's packin! I mean it's just genetics. He HAS TO BE!"
Liz: "There really is no doubt."
Kirsten: "I mean I kept my panties on, so I don't know anything for sure... I'm actually kind of proud of myself for keeping them on, because usually I get a few drinks in me, and WHOOPS! There I go sluttin' it up."
Liz: "Yeah, but you didn't slut it up on this one, you're becoming a grown up!"
Kirsten: "I gotta admit that I'm very curious about what he's packin' though."
Liz: "Well you know he's bringin' the heat... So when you kids get married, he'll just be standing up at the front of the church smiling, and his huge cock can walk you down the aisle."
Kirsten: "Yeah [Kirsten's ex] was just standing there blubbering, and he said something stupid... and to make matters worse, he said it wrong, so he was just looking incredibly dumb, and I couldn't resist bringing out the verbal red pen and despite his pathetic tears, I corrected him. I'm a grammar nazi, what can I say... I felt kind of bad, but I just couldn't resist."
Kirsten: (While watching the Indians' collapse in games 6 and 7 of the AL playoffs) "I am seething with rage right now... I'm an anger parfait! I mean I feel like my whole body is made out of fire right now!"
Liz: "You know what? Out of sheer tradition, we are going to need some forties to go with this wine."
Kirsten: "Oh shit yes! We're classy like that!"
Liz: "This pumpkin is so perfect, I must say, I'm just a little bit aroused."
Kirsten: "After seeing how easily you were able to scrape it out, I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit aroused by your pumpkin too."
Liz: "Hey! Look! One of the seeds in my pumpkin has already started to sprout! It's like it just germinated in it's own awesomeness!"
Kirsten: "And you hacked it open... Oh my god, your pumpkin was totally pregnant."
Liz: "Did I just inadvertently abort this pumpkin?"
Kirsten: "Well, you didn't know she was knocked up... Maybe you were just responsible for a miscarriage... (Two beats later) ...Good god, we really are the most inappropriate people!"
(While discussing a really obnoxiously persistent guy who tried to pick me up at the bar)
Kirsten: "Yeah, he just wouldn't stop... I stayed at the table to see what you would do. I mean I know you well enough to know that when you're not feeling a guy you feel absolutely no remorse about getting totally inappropriate."
Liz: "He could have immensely improved his chances by at least buying me a drink, but he didn't do that... So I had to fend him off."
Kirsten: "I just had to know how you were going to keep him from dragging you on the dance floor."
Liz: "Well, despite everything else I said, I think I missed an opportunity. I mean he really wanted me to dance, and I dance, just not with him."
Kirsten: "What do you mean you missed an opportunity?"
Liz: "Well, despite all the other inappropriate things I said, I should have told him that I don't dance because I'm really sensitive and self conscious about having a fake leg... But then he would have wanted to see it, or smell the inside of it or something... Even without a fake leg, I just attract those kinds of freaks."
Kirsten: "OH MY GOD! A FAKE LEG!!! Why did you not use that? I think that would have been the best thing I would ever have heard in a bar... Though in retrospect, since you mention it now, that's got to be one of the best things I've ever heard outside the bar."
No comments:
Post a Comment