Friday, January 09, 2009

When in doubt...

If ever you were wondering how best to spend your day when you are in Hell, Ohio, let me tell you!

Let me be your guide through this fantastic voyage!

Get up early. Curse your very existence. Curse harder at the state of your life. Curse harder still at George W. Bush. Then get yourself all dolled up and go to work. Do your job, even though it's crappy retail work that any trained monkey could do. And when your boss calls you in for a chat, (the same boss that you wanted to punch in the face the night before,) go ahead and chat with her. Listen to her bullshit "feedback" about your performance. Smile and nod, and hold your tongue, knowing that you're not going to be there very much longer, and that soon you'll be able to tell her to "shove it where the sun don't shine" and not worry about where your next meal is coming from because you don't need that bullshit paycheck from that bullshit job. Keep that smile going because you know that not only are you about 30 IQ points smarter than her, and much better able to work with people without offending them, you're awesome, and people love reading your blog... In fact, anyone with any real sense seems to love you, so just keep that in mind when listening to the nitwit who makes bank by talking down to you.

When you're done nodding at your boss while ignoring everything she says because you don't really give a rat's pink ass, go home. Hook up your analog-to-digital converter box, because we all know that your poor ass can't be wasting money on extravagant things like cable! And then marvel at the fact that you get more channels and that none of them are all fuzzy, snowy, and wobbly like the ones you've gotten used to!

When the novelty has worn off, take a little something to make your back feel better, because only a week ago you were having back spasms, and you've already been back at work for a 5 days, and have a short little nap. When you get up, cook yourself a lovely dinner of pasta and marinara sauce, and crack open a bottle of wine... Keep it open. You're going to be done with it by the time the night is through.

Go ahead and put some laundry in the washing machine so that the night isn't a total loss.

As the mellow buzz of the wine mixes with what little amount of the mild pain killer that's still in your system, laugh your ass off when you realize that one of your new channels is airing the 80's B-movie horror classic, "Killer Clowns From Outer Space." Watch in amazement.

Move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

When the Killer Clowns have been defeated, channel surf for a little while, and marvel that Carson Daly still has a television show, and someone finds him relevant enough to keep paying him. That revelation should really keep you busy for a good long while.

Fold your laundry, match your socks, and put fresh sheets on the bed.

When you've thoroughly exhausted yourself trying to figure out that Carson Daly dilemma, have yourself a shower making sure to wash in your belly button and behind your ears (among other important places to wash!) Make sure you've washed your face, then brush your teeth, (don't forget to floss!) and head for bed.

That really is the long and short of it.

Congratulations, you've just survived a day in Hell, Ohio.

Is this as good as it gets, or what?

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