Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I have had a few...

Ok. Here goes nothing.

As the title would indicate, I've had a few drinks, because I knew I would need them in order to say what I am about to say.

I hope you are all sitting down.

Last night I came to the conclusion that I have long pondered and dreaded. That conclusion being that you have to admit that no matter how much you might want something, there comes a certain point where too much persistence becomes more than a little stupid. And so I am moving home. Along with my rent this month I have submitted my 30 days notice to my landlord. I have given it more thought than you can possibly imagine. I have considered every angle possible, and I have studied it from all possible sides. And I have come to the conclusion that I have gone all in, and I have lost. The fact is that I have done all I can do, and including my own stubbornness and fortitude, there is nothing left for me to bank on.

My main rationale is that I have done my best to give myself a fair shot here, but nobody else has seen the potential, and while it might be a loss to all the places that didn't take the chance on me, it is also my own loss. I can't keep trying to force myself into a place that doesn't fit or doesn't want me. Not only is it exhausting, it would always end up being wrong. Due to my financial situation I have not been able to enjoy ANY of the perks of living where I wanted so desperately to live. I have stretched every last dime well beyond the standard limitations and then some, in order to prolong the possibility or improve my odds over time. And as a result I have essentially existed solely in my apartment, and I have been miserable, and I figure if I am going to be miserable, I might as well be miserable in a place where I can slowly rebuild as opposed to slowly digging myself in deeper. If I can't go out to the places I want to go, or do the things I want to do, then I am better off being somewhere where I have a shot at a modicum of happiness (that being time with my family) as opposed to total and utter failure coupled with a feeling of intense loneliness.

In case you can't tell, I write this post with a feeling of total defeat. I feel like the city has beaten me. And I do feel like while it might be the smart move, leaving is tantamount to running away shamefully with my tail between my legs.

My mom tells me that coming to this conclusion has taken a lot of courage. But courage is the last thing I feel. I feel shame. I feel defeat. I feel lost. I feel intensely sad. I do not feel courageous.

Could I have taken a job at blockbuster video, or bagging groceries, or waiting tables, sure. But the fact is that I would have been busting my ass at a shitty job or two, and still living hand to mouth and only delaying the inevitable while waiting for something better to come along. Because let's face it, while working sixty hours a week at two crappy, low-paying jobs, you might make the rent, and be able to eat that month, but there isn't much time left for interviewing for something better, or having any fun.

And so my thought process goes like this: I will go home. I will work a reasonable job befitting my degree, and my intelligence, somewhere where I will be at least moderately appreciated. I will rebuild. I will recharge. I will take this loss in stride. I am used to taking life's knocks. This is just the latest. And when all is said and done, I am going to laugh about this one day... At least that's what I have to tell myself right now. That laughter will return. That this is not all there is for me. That there might be a lesson worth learning in this beyond the humility I've already achieved. That the bawling I've done and the tears that have fallen are worth something more. That I might lose this battle, but I will win the war. I have to tell myself this... I have to.

At present, I have been reduced to a snivelling idiotic shell of my former self. I have lost so much of what I once was that now I scarcely recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. I have lost all of my self assurance. I have lost all of my pride. I have lost a fair chunk of my dignity. I have lost all that was once fun and beautiful. I have come dangerously close to a point of no return. I have nothing left to give. I'm empty. And I know without a doubt that I can't keep living this way. And if all my former hard knocks have taught me only one thing, it's this: if something isn't working for you anymore, no matter how much you might want it to, then you have to change it up and try something new.

And so I am closing this chapter. I have to try a new approach. I have to find a new route because this one is clearly impassable. I can't be the person I want to be here and now, and so I will find something else that fits the person I want to be. I will tell myself that my faith is not wasted and that the god I believe in has some other plan for me. And that no matter how painful the road getting there might be, that the end result will ultimately be worth the sacrifice and the effort put in, and that there is some unforeseen reason for all of this.

I want to find the place in my life where I can dance again. I want to find my spark again, and I want to know that I mattered somehow to someone. And if it takes me losing everything I've done to this point to find the missing part of myself, then so be it. That's how it has to be.

And so I will try to take this loss and defeat with all the grace and eloquence- in -the -face -of -defeat that I have been known for in the face of all my other defeats. I will bow out humbly and speak only too kindly of the experience. I will be grateful for the time that I've had and the people I've met and loved, and for those who loved me. I will maintain the facade that I am still intact. I'll get up in the morning and I'll breathe in and out all day long and go on like things are going just as they should. And I will wait for the day when I feel like I am whole again.

I'll leave you all with two quotes from one of my favorite movies...
"Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on."

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last days of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by when they're busy making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door."
And a quote from one of my favorite books,

" It doesn't matter how fast you get there, if you're headed in the wrong direction."

No comments: