Saturday, January 06, 2007


I want to start off this post by thanking all of you for your very very kind words and support. I don't mean this to come off the wrong way, but when I composed the last post I expected the comments to be superficially supportive, but somehow hollow. I couldn't have been more wrong. As it turns out, you people have a clearer knowledge of me than I thought, and you wrote some of the sweetest most substantive comments I could have ever hoped for. Between the tears I've shed over making the decision and the tears I've shed while acknowledging the support I have from people who don't even know me any further than the things I share on this blog, (albeit that this blog has been a very public home to some pretty private things as time has worn on,) my tear ducts are about 2.1 seconds from going on strike due to long working hours of overtime, and shoddy working conditions. You all, merely in saying the sweet things you said, have solidified that last thread of sanity that I have remaining. You and your kind thoughts and words have helped me in coming to terms with the decision, and ease the feelings of defeat that I've been particularly prone to at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I am still struggling with the whole thing. And I do still feel pangs of defeat, and that has led me to do a lot of naysaying to those who I've had direct dialogue with lately. My mother keeps telling me that I gave it more than a fair shot, and that I went down swinging... My attitude of cynicism and naysaying has been more prone to noting that statistically a strike out is a strike out no matter whether you're swinging or not, and such a low batting average doesn't really encourage people to check the tape of the out. But like I said, I'm a total naysayer at the moment.

On a related note, it might surprise you to know that despite my defeat, and my piss-poor attitude, I have actually ventured out of my apartment in recent days, going to a friend's house, and a basketball game. And when I ran into people who didn't already know about the situation, upon explanation I was greeted with that really unpleasant and judgemental face when mentioning where I was headed. It would seem that a lot of people who have merely heard of my hometown dislike it as much as I do. (P.S. - Even more than my home town, I HATE that judgemental face... It only makes me feel worse about something I can't do much about.)

In all honesty, I am doing my best to get used to the idea of moving back home, and to try to find whatever bright side there is to the whole situation. I am trying to tell myself that there has to be a reason. I am trying to tell myself that it's a temporary setback. I am trying to tell myself that Brenda was right when she noted that I've maintained a degree of self-respect by making the move now before I resorted to turning tricks on the corner, or dealing drugs to all the scumbags... Lots of deep breaths... Lots of effort trying to shift the mindset... And some more deep breaths.

Thanks for sticking with me!

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