Spin control...

After the unfortunate events of September 11, 2001, we were told by our government to have no fear, because if we were afraid, the terrorists would win. And then we were told to go out and spend, because spending strengthened our economy, and that a strong economy would prevent the terrorists from winning. And then we were told, "DON'T DO DRUGS! Because drug money supports terrorism!" ...They left out one tiny little detail.

Apparently when you were going about your morning routine, just trying to get a little daily dose of potassium by eating yourself a heart-healthy Chiquita banana...

YOU SUPPORTED THE TERRORISTS!

(No, seriously, click it! If you don't click it, you're STILL supporting the terrorists!)

You should be so ashamed of yourself! I can't believe you! What? What's that you say? You say you had something like 2 bananas a day? You say your family might as well be a bunch of chimpanzees flinging poo on the walls for the sheer amount of bananas you go through in a week? I am ashamed to call you a reader! You and your banana habit probably financed the purchase of a rocket launcher, or a scud missile, or some anthrax... OR A TANK! You're despicable! DEPLORABLE!

So I ask you, was it worth it? Did you really enjoy that banana SO MUCH that you're ok with being a traitor to the ideals of democracy? Because you know, the CIA has been monitoring your phone, your mail, your garbage, EVERYTHING... All because they knew you were a potassium fiend! And they knew you weren't content to get your potassium from just anywhere! You weren't about to take Centrum! You weren't about to shop the aisles of your local pharmacy for a daily dose of vitamin K in pill form! NOOOOOO. You had to have your fancy terrorist banana!

You probably club baby seals and drown puppies too!

Your banana habit makes poor sweet lil baby Jesus cry!

I hope you're happy.