CENSORED!

So a part of my job involves attending the weekly staff meeting at our office. It sucks, because its the one day a week I have to get up early. (I tend to schedule all my appointments later in the day because I usually find myself working until 8 pm, so I like to put off starting my day as late as possible.) But they tell us that the staff meetings are really important, even if they don't seem all that important once we're there.

Occasionally we might get a helpful tip on how to deal with certain clients, or an extra tidbit of information about a new resource, but usually it consists of a supervisor lecturing us on professionalism or the importance of getting our paperwork in on time. The lectures on professionalism always bother me because while lecturing us on professional conduct, they always interject that we've built up a pretty damn good reputation for professionalism when dealing with people on the job, which kind of renders the professionalism lecture moot.

Today we started getting the standard professionalism schpiel, but then they had the head of HR come up and start talking about harassment and discrimination... UH OH.

Knowing that when we are blowing off steam in the office my coworkers and I are some of the most politically incorrect people who make some of the most horrendously inappropriate comments, I prepared myself for the worst. [It should be noted that when making inappropriate statements, it is NEVER in front of the client we are speaking about, the comments are not racially charged or anything of that nature. (i.e. - "That bitch is CRAZY!" or "Hey, what are you doing? Looking at the sex offender registry? Oh, so I see you're trying to find someone new to date!") But we are very well known for cracking jokes about otherwise VERY SERIOUS topics, such as child molestation, child abuse, people's mental health status, drug use, etc. which to someone not in a social service job, would be incredibly wrong, but for us, it's just blowing off steam, because we see some fucked up stuff in this business, and we have to find a way to deal... But I digress.] It was one of those lectures where I (and upon later discussion, many other coworkers) felt that the lecture was rather pointed... And we all thought it was pointed at a few of us in particular. This feeling extended so far as to make the boss' son uncomfortable... and I'm not making any judgments on nepotism in the office, but I'm pretty sure that he's pretty much bulletproof, and even he felt that embarrassing heat of feeling that generalized statements were about him.

It turns out that they were giving us the lecture without informing the statements.

It's a common trend around my office for people to just kind of "disappear." One day they work there, and then another day, POOF! They are gone. There is VERY SELDOM any mention of the person no longer working there, no mention if they were fired, quit, or left on good terms to pursue some other goal. It is more than a little disconcerting. And since the staff meeting is really the only time that the whole staff is assembled en masse, this is the only time for us to really notice when people turn up missing, and with a staff so large, it's common for people to occasionally miss a meeting here and there, so most of the time it's not really noticed until a little while later.

After the meeting a few of us were sitting in one of the back rooms in the office where we tend to congregate, my phone rang. It was one of the coworkers who I regularly joke with...

"Hey, was that meeting more than a little pointed?"
"Umm, with some of the things I said around the office last week, I was just bracing for them to run down a list of names which was sure to include mine, and then just fire a group of us in front of everyone."
"That wouldn't be a short list... We all say stuff we shouldn't. If they were to fire us for things that would have us in court for harassment charges in the corporate world, because we make an off the cuff remark in the office, they would not have much of a staff... and that staff would be really boring!"
"True."
"No, I think it was about the things that [redacted] said last week."
"OH SHIT! I didn't even think about that!"
"Wait! He made the 'retarded kid' comment like two or three weeks ago!"
"No, I'm talking about the role-playing exercise LAST WEEK."
"OHHHHH. ...Wait, did you see him in the meeting this morning?"
"No, that's why I was calling you... I wanted to see if you knew anything."
"Hang on... There's an easy way to find out!"
"Oh well, I'll just ca..."
"No... I said hang on a sec... OH WOW. Yeah his name isn't on a mailbox anymore. He must've pissed somebody off."
"His name is gone? ALREADY? WOW."
"Yeah, he's been removed from the mailboxes... YOWZA, that was fast!"

So now the running joke for we inappropriate folk tends to be that whenever we are addressed directly by anyone in the office, no matter what they are saying, we say something to the effect of, "Stop right there! You're making me feel uncomfortable and that's harassment! You're fired!"
"Hey can I borrow your pen for a second?"
"That's harassment and I don't have to take it!"

Personally, I operate under the premise that I am at least moderately offensive to most of the people I encounter on a daily basis. It's just kind of a given for me. As such I've gotten pretty good at knowing who tolerates my brand of humor and who doesn't. I have a gift for feeling people out in a hurry. And I operate on my less offensive level in any questionable or mixed company. Some people just lack that talent I suppose.

But given that the weekly topic of discussion at the meeting was pretty pointed at inappropriate humor, etc. I, along with most of my coworkers, continue operating under conditions of self-imposed censorship. At least until next week's meeting puts a buffer in place.

I hate having to censor myself.

QOTD

Dan: "Some kid I was doing juvenile mentoring with was being obnoxious... So I just judo chopped him in the face and then yelled at him long enough to destroy his self esteem. I don't know if the case worker will be too thrilled about it, but I felt better!"

I'm hoping to get off with a slap on the wrist...

This post is an apology.

To all my readers, and my friends, I apologize to you.

The truth is that I've become a BAD BLOGGER.

I don't blog the way I used to, or the way I'd like to.

The fact is that I know a lot of what I currently say probably bores you to tears. I don't want to exacerbate the problem by adding to it with posts about my new shoes or anything like that...

Another problem I encounter is that in doing a job where so much information is confidential, I don't want to further expose already exploited kids. I feel guilty making my jokes and stating my judgments about people who I work with. I mean I'm not worried about divulging too much information... I'm smart enough to conceal their identities. But what little portion of my soul remains intact just knows that these people need a little compassion and someone to take up for them because nobody else ever has.

Sure I make the crass remarks, and sure I go in and I do my job down in the trenches, trying to make a little bit of a difference, but there's something else going on that I find tough to express... And thus, I run into problems when trying to talk about my life, because that's what I do all day every day... I go into the trenches and I try to help people turn it around.

There is also the fact that I want to shield you all from some of the things I see every day. It's not fair to you all to come here, for whatever reason it is that you come here, and for you to have to deal with some of the awful things and shit, (literally,) I deal with... I mean I signed up for this, and they pay me to do it. You don't get any compensation for the occasional heartbreak posted here. That's not fair to you.

I am not fishing for compliments here. I don't want flowery sentiments about my doing noble work, or anything like that. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to draw you into some plot to inflate my ego. Like I said before, this post is an apology. It's me saying I'm sorry for being boring. (And no, don't lie to me, I know I've been VERY boring lately.)

I'm going to try to do better. I want to make an honest effort. REALLY. Anyone know how I can do that?

As if I needed more ways to be less productive...

We all know that I am an EXPERT procrastinator.

That is not any secret.

So in search of new and different ways to kill time, I quite happily stumbled across the ULTIMATE time wasting haven.

"Where can I find this oasis of time-wasting glory?" You ask.

Well, I'm so very glad you did.

I suppose that before I should advertise this as the end-all, be-all of time wasters, there are a couple of requirements which will likely make it more or less appealing to you.

First off, are you a member of the Nintendo generation? And by that, I don't mean Nintendo 64 or anything that fancy... I'm talking throwback, 1985 Nintendo.

"Why, yes! YES! I AM a member of the Nintendo generation!"

Glorious!

Secondly, are you not opposed to downloading a little free computer program to your computer?

"Why no, no I'm not opposed to that at all!"

Excellent.

And third, are you prepared to spend countless hours recapturing your Nintendo glory days? Are you prepared to devote days to defeating the dastardly bosses who were the bane of your existence back in your Nintendo playing heyday?

OH YOU ARE?

Well, then I've got you sold on this bad boy!

(Let me tell you, it's worth it, if only for the fact that you can play Mike Tyson's Punch Out in full screen on your computer!)

Yeah, you saw King Hippo, and you were sold, weren't you!?!?

So, what must you do to recapture the gaming glory of your youth?

You go here. You create an account. You download the software. You play the games.

No fees, no nothing... I mean yeah, you can pay the $5.00 for the premium version, but really, who needs the premium account when you can play Contra, and Punch Out, and Mega Man, and Bubble Bobble, and TONS of other games you enjoyed as a kid. (Seriously, they had games that I couldn't find ANYWHERE else!)

And yeah, it might take you a little while to get used to playing on a keyboard as opposed to using those awesome little rectangular controllers, but one of the advantages is that you can configure the controls to your liking, and then play for as long as you like until you get your rhythm back... (Oh, and FYI, for all the games I tried, the cheat codes still work... And if you don't remember the codes, google them... They are out there!)

You're going to get in so much trouble!!

(Don't worry, I'm gonna be in trouble too!)

Oh, how I love spending my weekends like this...

So this weekend was supposed to be a nice, relaxing couple of days. I had family in town I'd planned on visiting with, and it was my mom's birthday weekend, and as we all know how I love my momma, I wanted to spend it celebrating with her as well.

WELLLLL... Things did not go according to plan.

I went to work on Saturday, worked later than I wanted to, then went to see my mom and my aunt and uncle who were visiting. I hung out with them for a few hours, and then came home. This was the part of the weekend which did go relatively according to plan... But then a wrench got thrown into the gears. A wrench in the form of a giant migraine. So I took meds and went to bed... And I tossed and turned and alternated rounds of unconsciousness with rounds of barfing up my soul and praying for a quick end to my misery which was most assuredly not coming.

That was how I spent the entirety of my Sunday. And when I finally regained consciousness and some use of my faculties at around 3:00 on Monday, I was greeted with 3 phone messages from my office wondering where my weekly paperwork was.

For those of you not familiar with migraines, one of the effects is that even after the migraine has passed, you can still experience residual symptoms, like lasting sensitivity to light and sound, and you can still have a nasty headache even after the worst is over... So I walked out into the bright world outside my dark, quiet apartment and winced instantly, and took my paperwork to the office, looking very much like I'd been dragged through a gutter, and faced co-workers who flat out accused me of being hungover.

I was printing off my weekly documentation and wearing my sunglasses indoors, (because it is insanely bright in my office!) and my friend Pam looked at me and said, "You look like hell! Where have you been? Your paperwork is late!"

"I know. I've had a migraine and been unconscious or barfing for two days."

"Oh. Bummer."

Maggie interjected, "You look hungover!"

Pam came to my defense, "No, if she were hungover, her paperwork would have been in on time."

I replied, "Yeah, if this were from a hangover I'd at least have gotten SOME enjoyment out of it... And the paperwork would have been turned in before I started drinking in anticipation of feeling like a dog turd rolled in broken glass which was then set on fire."

Pam noted, "Wow, you're feeling that good, huh?"

Yeah... I'm feeling that good.

I still have a little bit of a dull ache in the cranium, and when I turn my head too fast I feel like I can feel my brain sloshing around inside my skull, but other than that I'm good.

I am only hoping that this week takes it easy on me.

A new do, a new you!

Yeah, so not that any of you care, because very few of my readers are people who see me anymore, but I changed my hair.

It went from being very long and blonde, to being MUCH shorter and brown.

To give you a mental image, (for those who care) think a chin-length, chocolate-brown layered bob... A little bit like Britney's hair was right before the head-shaving meltdown, but without the head lice, cheeto dust, and foul odor vaguely reminiscent of sour milk.

One of my clients saw it and just about shit her pants.

Several of my coworkers saw it and just love it!

In other words, I look hot.

And now, a QOTD

Liz: "I'm having a little trouble finding one of my clients a job... Nobody wants to hire her because she's got a felony record."
Erin: "What's her record for?"
Liz: "Umm, drug charges... I think mostly meth and coke."
Erin: "Hmm, have you tried going out to hotels? I had a client who had a drug record and they didn't seem to mind taking her on as a housekeeper."
Liz: "I had not thought of that!"
Erin: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even mind if she were on drugs, because if she was doing coke and meth, not only would she clean the rooms, she'd do it REALLY FAST!"

Things are lookin' up!!

Well, it's official, they like me and trust me at my office... Like, A LOT.

Want to know how I know?

In addition to my regular duties doing parent aide, supervised visitation, and juvenile mentoring, (stop snickering, dammit! I am perfectly capable of censoring myself when mentoring the juveniles! -- That's the one job duty that always gets my good friends laughing... I wonder why.) Anyway, in addition to the things I normally do, yesterday I was asked to take on a trainee... And not just any trainee, based on other trainers' experiences with this girl, basically this trainee was the trainee from hell... We know this because she spent her down time bad mouthing her trainers and acting like she knew everything! HA! --She's got a rude awakening coming her way in a big hurry! I've been doing this job a while now, and I know people who have been doing it for YEARS, and we ALL find ourselves out of our depth on occasion. It's just another part of the job to get in over your head. But anyway, this little chickie thought she knew it all after only one week of training... OHHHHH to be a fly on the wall when she forges out on her own for the first time... She's probably going to shit herself.

So yeah, I had to open a new case, and she hadn't seen that done before, so they put her with me, and I trained her on a new case. And if I hear she's badmouthing me, I'm going to start a nasty rumor about her... Like she sat and bit her toenails while we were in the visit together... Or something.

Seeing as how I have been there only a little more than half a year, I thought this newfound trust (read: job security) was something to celebrate! So I went and I bought myself a lovely sushi dinner. The thing about sushi in this area of the country, is that you have to keep in mind that it's never going to be as fresh as it could be if you lived in a major city, or coastal area, and if you're going to bother with trying to find sushi around here, and if you don't half-ass it, and you find the good stuff, you're going to be just fine... So I went to a reputable (read: expensive) restaurant, and I got myself some sushi, because DAMMIT, I DESERVE IT! And it was GOOOOOOOOD. (I've missed it!)

And tomorrow, after I finish my daily appointments, I'm going to get my hair cut at the fancy salon (as opposed to mastercuts or that halfway decent but kind of sketchy salon at the mall)... And it will be glorious.

I am also awesome because I unclogged my sink without the use of any harsh chemicals or fancy gadgets! It was just me and a wrench, and a bowl to catch the icky water from the clogged portion of the pipe!

You may pay your homage and show your envy in the comments. Thank you.

QOTD
Rebecca: "You know... Coworker X has really huge earlobes! It's actually quite distracting!"
[Giggles of agreement from around the table]
Jason: "I'm sorry, what did she say?"
Liz: "She was talking about Coworker X and his huge earlobes!"
Jason: "OH! Hell yeah! He's damn near ready to take flight!"

I'm a broke ass...

No, it's not what you think.

I have an acceptable bank balance at the moment.

I mean I HAVE a BROKE ASS... Though I suppose grammatically it is really a brokEN ass.

I don't know what I have done, but based on what I'm physically feeling, I think I've either strained or pulled a muscle in my butt.

And it sucks.

A LOT.

I can't find a comfortable position to sit, lay, stand, whatever. The thing is, it's not just my butt right now, because depending on how I sit, or stand, or lay, it puts some kind of additional strain on other muscles I haven't yet hurt in my back and in my thigh.

This kind of informs, though certainly doesn't excuse, the fact that I have not been posting lately. Yeah, I'm really just lazy, but the fact that I can't sit comfortably makes sitting down to blog just that much more difficult.

In other news, I got word today that I finally won a battle which has been raging for over two years now. I have been fighting with my alma mater over a bill for $1000.00 that they seemed to think I owed them, and I begged to differ.

Basically I graduated, and had a zero balance with the university... And POOF! Six months later I get a letter saying, "Uhh, hey, we know that you think you've gotten out unscathed, and that you've already signed away your first and second-born children to us, but now you also owe us $1000."

I called them and said, "UMM, NO."

They said, "Umm, yeah, and if you don't fork it over, we're turning it over to collections."

To which, I replied, "Go ahead! DO IT! Because I don't owe you a dime! In fact, do me a favor and tell me WHY I owe you this money."

That one had them stumped for a year.

When they finally got back to me with an answer, it was, "Well, after you graduated, we did an audit of your account, and we discovered that we gave you $1000 that you didn't submit all of the paperwork for."

Now, I'm no dummy. I did earn that college degree. "So you're trying to tell me that I owe you money because someone on your end made a mistake and supposedly gave me money that I didn't submit the required paperwork for?"

"Well... Yeah."

"Oh, so if I were to take you to court and ask you to prove that I received this money, and that I received it with fully disclosed knowledge that it would have to be repaid, and I asked to see a promissory note where I signed saying just that, you all would OF COURSE be able to provide that, right?"

"Well, uhhh.... No. But that's why we need you to pay it back."

"Well, see, that's not how this works... You give me something that PROVES I owe you, and I'll pay it, until then it looks to me like you're shit out of luck."

"We'll get back to you in a week."

"You do that."

::: Two weeks pass :::

"Yeah, so this is Liz, you said you think I owed you money but that you would call back in a week, but that was two weeks ago... Any news?"

"No. We'll get back to you."

"I can't wait!"

::: Six days later :::

"Yeah, so you don't owe us anymore."

"Thanks... But we're going to need a letter to the credit agencies, because I never owed you to begin with."

"Oh, we never turned you over to collections."

"Yeah... and you thought I owed you money for two years... Forgive me if I don't exactly buy that story."


Either way, that's a grand that I don't have to worry about... Which is nice.

And now I'll leave you with a QOTD:

Drew: "Hey Liz, can you take on a new juvenile mentoring case?"
Liz: "Yeah, I've got a little time, what's going on with her?"
Drew: "Well, let's see... Apparently she was recently molested by her uncle, and I guess she didn't like it very much."
Liz: "Well, I know that you enjoyed it so much when your uncle molested you."
Drew: "Why wouldn't I? I mean he was gentle... And he always gave me candy afterward."
Liz: "Drew, I'm so happy that I'm going to get to see your familiar face when I get to hell."

Consider it an investment...

After I finished working today, I went in search of entertainment.

... No. I did not go out looking for male strippers or prostitutes.

I went out to purchase movies. (Because I am a movie nerd.)

And in addition to a few bargain basement finds, I paid full retail price for the special edition DVD version of "300."

It should be noted that when it first came out, I paid full price for not one, but two viewings of 300 in the IMAX theater, as well as one viewing on a standard movie screen. (I should like to note at this point, that I'm not one to spend additional funds to re-view movies on the big-screen... I generally like to wait to view it in my own home.) In this case I was MORE THAN WILLING to make the exception.

I would also like to note that as a movie nerd, I am aware that there is a large contingent who opined that the movie lacked plot depth, or character development. That's all well and good, but to them I'd like to note that the movie was not based on historical fact, or novelistic script, but rather that it was founded solely on the premise of the Frank Miller graphic novel... (Also known as a comic book.)

And based on previous viewings, I determined that I was willing to spend the extra ten dollars for the bonus features.

I have no problem telling you that I have sat here, composing this post, watching the movie, and I am still as riveted as ever, often taking time out talk to my television set... Saying things like, "Fucking AWESOME." or "KICKASS!" or "GODDAMN THAT'S HOT!" And I'm not one to talk to my television set... EVER.

Basically, if you haven't already seen it, I'm telling you to go out and either rent or buy this one. Because in my humble opinion, you're not going to be disappointed. (ADDITONAL, GENDER-BIASED NOTE; Ladies, even if you're not buying it on it's cinematic merits, I'm telling you that on additional merits, such as 300 men being hot in leather bikini briefs, with rippling six-pack abs, it's worth whatever your local retail outlet is asking. GO TO IT!)

You won't be disappointed.

The bartender gives you the straight dope...

A curious customer wrote:

Dear Bartender,

How can I trick a bartender into not cutting me off when I am stumbling around their bar? Can't they let me drink myself silly if I'm not driving.

Thanks,
Drunk Party Girl

WELL...

As a bartender with training which exceeds that of the simple "everyman" behind the bar, I can tell you that it's tough to fool me. In addition to knowing how to properly mix a drink (meaning, I will pour it exactly the same way no matter how many times you order it, which is an indication of a truly good bartender,) I also know about the physical effects of drunkenness. This is not to imply that I merely know what it is to be drunk, but also that I know what being drunk means from a sober perspective.

If you're trying to fool a properly trained bartender, who (in all honesty) knows as much (if not more) about recognizing sobriety and drunkenness as a properly trained police officer conducting field sobriety tests, then good luck. The fact is that even when you THINK you're acting sober, there are certain things which physiologically still give you away as being totally inebriated. For example, you might be able to walk a straight line, or say the alphabet backwards through memorization, but there is no way to control such things as your peripheral pupil tremors. (It should be noted at this point, that in certain circumstances, no, a bartender cannot necessarily let a customer drink to the heart's content. There are certain bars, counties, and states which hold the service industry professional to certain standards, and adhere certain penalties for mistakes.) An "everyman" bartender might not notice such small details, but when you're coming down to the wire on last call with a bartender who has been around the block a few times, odds are that you're not going to get away with it. So I initially assume you're trying to fool someone who has a serious bartending background... In which case, I wish you luck.

If it's the everyman bartender you're attempting to fool, then yes, there are tactics which offer you certain advantages. Now if you're totally blitzed, and even in your drunken state, you know that there is no fooling anyone, then your best bet is to go through other sources. By which, I mean sending either the most sober member of your party, or the most sober person whom any member of your party can recruit to go up to the bar to order the later rounds, then so be it. Usually in the bartending community, if a semi-sober person is the one offering a somewhat coherent order, then the order will be filled. The key is to have a somewhat believable member of the party order on the group or individual's behalf. (This is the key to behave in a coherent enough manner to deceive the adept or less than adept bartender.)

The only other means of "deception" is flat out bribery. Quite frankly, if you offer pretty much any bartender a glimpse of a sufficient wad of cash, then there is little doubt that you're going to get your drinks, but you're going to have to be willing to pay the premium for them.

Aside from that, I have no other advice to offer... Because as an adept bartender, I don't buy most tactics.

If commentators have additional tactics to offer, I encourage them to do so... And there is always a chance that they might work with a bartender who might not know all there is to know when it comes to the drunken masses... But as for my advice, I boil it down to bribery, and allowing the most sober person you encounter to place your order. That's that.

And if you have a question (alcohol related, or otherwise) then please contact the bartender at "thebartenderspeaks(AT)gmail(dot)com"

Active procrastination...

Once again I am putting off the task at hand.

My monthly reports and weekly paperwork are due in 10 hours. I've kinda started them... But instead of focusing on them, getting them done, and getting to bed, I am once again putting them off.

A part of me knows this is utter folly. I recognize the foolishness in continued procrastination. But then again... I love a good challenge. (And it's not really a challenge until you're really down to the wire, is it?)

But then again, I haven't been posting the way I used to. I'm down to like twice a week! That's shameful for someone who normally posts daily. And with that I'll note that I received a blog award that I have yet to mention, let alone pass on.

Christie awarded me with the blog-schmooze award.

This award is for "people that were exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to a monologue. These bloggers have all worked hard to build a reputation for themselves by commenting on other blogs, participating in blogging communities, replying to comments left on their blog and overall just doing their part to interact with other bloggers."

I humbly accept it. I definitely flex my schmooze muscle as much as possible. Though I admit I've been slacking lately. My commenting on other blogs has dwindled, though my blog-reading has kept up. I've basically taken to lurking, even at some of my favorite blogs. I could come up with some lame excuse I suppose, but why bother? Excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one, and they usually just cover a bunch of shit. So I'm not going to bother. You are all to smart for that anyway.

Part of accepting the award means passing it on to 5 other worthy bloggers. So in no particular order, here goes!

Jay - If anyone is a schmoozer, it's Jay. He might not own it totally, but he's a total blog-whore! He's always around, leaving snarky remarks in odd places, and wholeheartedly expecting it right back. The fact that he is Christie's husband, and was therefore precluded from receiving the award from her has nothing to do with this selection, but the fact is that he is deserving and couldn't get it directly from her does certainly lend a little more merit to what was already an easy selection.

Debbie - She almost ALWAYS responds to comments. And I mean ALL comments. her dedication to responding to the readership is something I aspire to, and fall incredibly short of. She comments on other peoples blogs with remarkable regularity, as well as maintaining her own blogs and her dialogue with her commentators with an incredible fervor. (I'm always amazed that she has so much to say and that it never fails to entertain.)

Brenda - Brenda has very intimate and active conversations with her commentators. She is such a welcome member of the blogging community, and I'm quite sure I would have far fewer comments to read and enjoy without her contributions on virtually every subject in the study.

Sarah - Sarah is a member of my middle-east contingent. I always look forward to her comments because they come from outside the North American community to which I pander with such fervor. She always makes me feel like I have a bit more of a global appeal. She comments here, and on many other blogs which I read, and she never fails to respond to comments on her own blog.

Elaine - A relative newcomer here at the happy hour, (when compared with the other winners today,) but nonetheless, she always seems to make me feel a little more validated when she comments here. She writes with such exquisite imagery on her own blog that I feel like she would almost be lowering herself and wasting her time by coming over here to associate with my garbage. But I'm glad she does!

And with that, I suppose I better get back to work... Stupid paperwork.

The restless bartender...

As you all ought to know by now, I run a feature known as "the bartender speaks."

For those of you not familiar with this feature, it's basically my common sense approach to whatever problem you might be having at the moment.

As I commonly remind my clients, I'm not a licensed therapist, or relationship/marriage counselor, but doing what I do all day for a living, I basically make my living helping people solve their problems. (Some people are more willing than others to listen to what I have to say, and living in the free country that we do, it's our right to observe or ignore the advice of an outsider, but whatever...) The fact is that the bartender has had no queries of late.

I can't force you all into posing your pertinent questions, but I do feel the need to remind you that the option to ask the bartender is available.

For free advice in a forum where others of reasonable intelligence can offer their opinion (in the comment section) and I get to outline a cynical, yet common sense based opinion as biblical truth, simply e-mail me at "thebartenderspeaks (at) gmail (dot) com" and state your query, (which is a fancy phrase for "Ask your damn question,") and mention whether you would prefer to remain anonymous, or if you would prefer your e-mail to be listed so that others might contact you directly.

In the past, the bartender has debunked the nigerian bank scam, helped out a little lady in a relationship pickle, and advised on a gift giving scenario.

If you have your own situation that you need some fresh eyes on, lay it out for me, and I'll tell it like it is... As I've always been known to do! (And if you're too lazy to use the e-mail address above, just click the one in the sidebar... It's all the same to me.)

Besides, the bartender has gotten bored with serving up Amstel Lights, polishing glasses and pouring the odd shot... Give me a challenge people! Hit me with your woes! That's what I do best!