Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Bartender lets the dog out... (And doesn't mind if the dog gets hit by an 18 wheeler...)

A customer came into the bar today... Knowing that this particular bartender was famous for dispensing the occasional pearl of wisdom, the customer laid out her tale. The bartender just shook her head and smiled. The bartender lives for moments like this. The advice is just so easy...

The patron's tale:

Dear Bartender:

This guy from the U.K. has been chatting me up online for 7 or 8
months online. I didn't think too much of it at first, but after
awhile I found myself looking forward to his emails, and we
corresponded almost daily. We weren't discussing romance yet, but I
was starting to feel that this was leading somewhere.

He recently went on a vacation, and when he came back he sent me some
pictures from his trip. He appeared in some of these pictures, and
everything was fine except for the SMALL but IMPORTANT fact that....he
forgot to take his wedding band off!

Well Bartender, you could have knocked me over with an empty shot
glass! Being married is usually one of the first five things you
reveal to someone when you meet them. I wasn't sure what to do at
first but I finally decided to just be upfront and ask him "Hey, are
you married?" Well I got back this long email explaining that he is
separated (for four years) and that he "just isn't comfortable taking
his ring off yet (after four years)."

Now Bartender, I was born at night but it wasn't LAST night! I
realize now that being a dawg is a worldwide phenomena. I realize
that he is 99.9% most likely to be lying his ass off.
My question is.....should I continue to be a friend or just blow off
his emails from now on?

No, We Didn't Have Cybersex

Well, there are three ways to play this... I know which way I'd go, but seeing as you're an adult living in a free country I'm going to lay out all of your options and you can take your pick.

Option 1: You can deny all the good sense I know that you have and you can buy into his bullshit story. In which case you'd carry on as you have been doing, pretend like that wedding band isn't there, and if you were to carry on for long, eventually putting your heart on the line, I'm placing a strong bet on the fact that you'll eventually be back in here to drown your sorrows once the bastard took that heart of yours and stomped on it like the ass-hat that I already know he is. Based on the fact that you noted that his explanation was rather lengthy, I will bring up a point that I learned in my first week on the job, usually when you get into long stories that seem a little hinky, it's because they are total and complete malarkey. Trust your gut on that one. The long stories are the over-exaggerations of a BAD LIAR. Furthermore, you quoted him as saying he is "separated" and not "DIVORCED" and based on the fact that he WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING, I think it's safe to assume that he is not "on the market" in the classical sense. Even in the HIGHLY UNLIKELY event that his story is true, and that he is not really with the woman he married anymore, the fact that he's still wearing the ring after four years should be a GIANT RED FLAG indicating that he's got some serious relationship hang ups, and given that you know that going in, you will have no one to blame but yourself when he eventually fucks you over. This is a handy segue into your next option.

Option 2: You can maintain your good sense, and you can play it straight with him. You can tell him that you don't believe his retarded ass story for one second. You can tell him that you didn't fall off the turnip truck this morning, and that if he thinks you would buy into a line that lame that he clearly has no respect for your intelligence. You can tell him that you are ok with being internet friends, but that it stops at that. (I'm betting that if he hears any of this he'll realize that you're onto his sorry ass game, and that he'll probably stem his dialogue with you and pursue others who clearly lack the good sense to kick his lying ass to the curb.) The only reason I'm even presenting this as an option is that if you keep your wits about you and constantly remind yourself that you're dealing with a lying sack of shit, you can continue talking to him... I mean if you're sensible about it, there's no reason that you absolutely have to deny yourself the only pleasure that you could ever get from him, that, of course, being pleasant conversation and nothing more. But like I said before, I have the distinct feeling that this guy is looking for an easy mark to lead on, and if he knows you're wise to him, he'll most likely head for the hills and he'll be tougher to locate than Bin Laden... Men are predictable that way.

Option 3: You can maintain your good sense as well as your self respect and blow him off. This is the cynical option, but it has its base in logic. Remember that classic old line that your mother told you when you got your heart broken in junior high? "There are plenty of fish in the sea?" That's the one. The fact is that this guy didn't play it straight with you. You know it. He knows it. And unless he's particularly dense, he knows you know it. This means that you're not even an official item, you're merely friends, and he's already lying his ass off and making lame excuses, and that he expects you to be dumb enough to buy it. Why lie to your friend? Why conceal something that big? Think about it... Not a particularly strong or healthy way to open things up, is it? Yeah, he's one of those Europeans who thinks that all Americans are stupid. As an American I'll be the first to hand it to him that A LOT of Americans are really REALLY dumb... (I mean something like 39 million of my fellow citizens voted for the king of all retards and said, "HE IS THE BEST RETARD WE'VE GOT! LET HIM LEAD US!") But we all know YOU'RE not dumb. You come by to see what the bartender has to say on so many things on a regular basis. You understand the humor. You have the good sense to waltz in here and consult the bartender on your situation. These things make you a pretty sharp individual. Prove to this fucktard that not ALL Americans are idiots. And whether you blow him off directly by issuing a closing e-mail, or passively by just ignoring him until he goes away, I think we all know you can do better than to associate with this fool. You're an adult... He's acting like you're still two kids in high school. (Back then it was ok, but only because being young and dumb is pretty standard.) But as an adult with real life experience, you should already know that if he doesn't respect you enough to play it straight with you from the start then you need to tell him where he can shove it.

Now, here's a shot on the house. Down it like the champ we all know you are and resolve yourself to doing what needs to be done.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go clean the taps and stock the beer.


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