A selection of mumblings.

I stabbed Turkey Lurky Cakes with a pen today (I drew blood)... I try tellin y'all I'll shank ya, but nobody listens, and look what happens!

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I am presently in the market for a studio apartment in a decent neighborhood (basically I'm not picky as long as I don't get raped, mugged, shot, stabbed, or otherwise besmirched) If anyone wants to help me look I will love you forever.

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The Cubs split the double-header today... Wood (L) and Prior (W) both pitched today... What are the odds that we hear some mention of arm discomfort of some kind tomorrow?

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Speaking of losers named Wood, Mike wood joined the Marines. Who'da thunk? (Good luck Mike, don't get your ass shot off... or in your case better tuck in your ears.)

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And still on the topic of Wood... In case you all didn't already know, Elijah Wood is very very gay.

For some reason I happen across a spectacular number of vomit puddles all over Chicago. (I don't know why this is, or why I felt like mentioning it to you, but I thought it was important.)

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Speaking of vomit, I have noted that on a fairly regular basis there is a vomit puddle outside my neighborhood GNC store... The owner of this same GNC store recently died from some form of cancer. Kinda makes you wonder what those "healthy people" who shop at GNC are really putting into their bodies. Meanwhile, I only vomit when I eat Chicken Delights, or consume LARGE amounts of alcohol, and I am gloriously cancer-free. (Just pointing out facts.)

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I happened across this on one of the sites I frequent, it's a quiz to calculate your personal worth.

I am worth $2,533,688.00 - DAMN!!!

Please answer the questions truthfully, and feel free to let me know how much you're worth in the comments section, (P.S. - there is a question which asks you to estimate your IQ, don't lie, you don't have an IQ of 210 and we both know it.)

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The dear sweet Doris, aka Melissa, aka Bean-cake (No nenny, not BeanER-cake), sent me this gem of a website... pure comedy for the virginal masses.

One highlight:

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:

1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.

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I want to raise a baby duckling! FOR REAL!!

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I (Heart) Wisconsin boys... don't ask me why, I think it must be something about that wholesome, corn-fed, all-american-boy charm that I just find totally irresistable!

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I really want to go camping/fishing at some point this summer, who's with me?

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I am disgusted by the way our celebrity-obsessed culture has decided that Britney Spears' being pregnant is a story worthy of being the lead. (And these are some reputable news sources, not just ET or A Current Affair, or whatever. Seriously guys, trailer trash babies are born every day... The only difference here? It just so happens this one has a Malibu address.

However, with regard to the pop-starlet harlot's blessed event, may I present:

The Top 10 Best Things about Britney being pregnant!

(From Best Week Ever.. This shit is funny!)

1. Frito-Lay stock is going to shoot up. Britney is eating Cheetos for 2!

2. Now all Kevin needs is an Asian kid, a Hispanic kid, and a Middle Eastern kid to complete the cycle! Keep up the good work dude!

3. Being pregnant will finally motivate Britney to stop smoking... in public.

4. Now Kevin can start saying "We're pregnant," to make it sound like he's actually doing something for once.

5. At last, Britney won't be the only one at her five-year high school reunion in Louisiana without a kid.

6. Kevin can finally rub Britney's stomach and use his "Girl, You got Served" joke that used to crack Shar Jackson up all the time.

7. Being a mother, Britney will have a whole new subject to lip-sync about.

8. Kevin will finally have someone to hang out with while laying around and doing nothing.

9. At least the Spears/Federline kid will know one thing-- how to dance. And... that's probably it.

10. Britney and Kevin will get to name the baby all by themselves. And we're talking about a girl who named her dogs Bit Bit and Lacy Loo, so the possibilities are endless!

On a related note, here is the official blog of the Spederline fetus

(credit:Michael K.)

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And now, it's time for a song by the one, the only, Mr. T!!

(This was sent to me by multiple sources in the last couple of days, ENJOY.)

Also, from the same site, I rather enjoyed this little number.

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I am seriously thinking that writing a book about my life is a good idea... This shit seriously gets more cracked out by the day!

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QOTD

4.15.05 - "It was noted that men who did more housework enjoyed better, and more active sex lives, so guys, take note, and think of housework as foreplay!" ~Dr Emily McEwan-Fujita, my anthro professor

4.16.05- "We can't do a project on Scandanavian factory workers! The only factories in Scandanavia are brightly lit, and clean, and making stuff for IKEA!" ~Alana