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In case you haven't noticed, lately my titles have nothing to do with much of anything actually contained in the post... I'm not apologizing for this. I'm just keeping you on your toes!
I should also note that a lot of what has been going on in my world lately is not posted here... but you kids know how that goes.
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The pope is in pretty lousy shape at the moment... I guess he is really REALLY torn up over the fact that I wouldn't be his facebook friend anymore... So in an effort to make up for all the other things that have sealed my condemnation to hell, I am still facebook friends with J.P. II ~ Sorry for the empty threat, buddy. Put in a good word about me with the big guy, eh?
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My step-sister Kim has succumbed to the curse which plagues her family, she is in fact becomming a nurse. I offer my full support and congratulations to this sudden change of career plans. We thought you'd be among the first to escape, but you're gonna be awesome at whatever you do!
Since I mentioned Kim, she IMed me and requested that I get the word out about this... It'll only take a minute, so if you members of my readership would take a few seconds out of your busy day to do us a favor, I'd appreciate it, and so would Kim.
Please go to www.hclocal.com, scroll down to the bottom, and answer the survey question with a vote for "YES" ... That's all you gotta do, and if you really love me, you'll get all your friends to do it too! Apparently it's pretty important to Kim, so I'm willing to help her get the word out.
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I just found out that dry-humored, deadpan comedian Mitch Hedberg has died. This is very sad. He was a very funny man. Some Mitch Hedberg quotes are listed at the bottom of this post.
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On a lighter note, my good pal Jeff sent me this page... it is safe for viewing at work if your boss allows internet use for humorous purposes. Please have your speakers on while viewing this rather amusing little piece about eggs.
THE EGG SONG.
Nenny, you're gonna love this!
(Apparently when I do my "tiny voice" I sound like this.)
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I got to use the word "revolting" in a sentence the other day... I like that word, and it's one of those great words that you don't get to use very often. I also got the chance to call someone a "saucy minx"
Pat Schultz likes the way I say "OK" ...Apparently I say OK in a way that distinguishes it from all the other OKs of the world.
I don't know why, but I thought it was important to tell you all this.
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QOTD
4.1.05
Mom: "Guess what"
Liz: "What"
Mom: "I'm pregnant."
Liz: "No you're not, mom."
Mom: "Yes I am!"
Liz: "Mom, you're not pregnant. You don't have a uterus."
Mom: "Oh yes I do! I bought one in the uterus aisle in Home Depot today!"
4.2.05 - "You know how you've finally got your skin all clear and well-balanced now? Well, getting some skanky sperm on there is gonna fuck all that up!" ~Some girl on the el talking on her phone... sounds like she's speaking from experience.
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Mitch Hedberg
Febuary 24 1968 - March 30 2005
Mitch Hedberg
Febuary 24 1968 - March 30 2005
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidentally wrote ‘rarely‘, instead of ‘really.’ But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."
"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami... Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."
"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."
"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, just ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.’"
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. You’re not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So I turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."
“I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.”
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."
"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupus. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."
"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
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