The return

::sigh:: there is absolutely no justifiable excuse for my recent disappearance so i won't even attempt one. Liz call me at your earliest convenience and I'll answer any and all questions you can think of.

For those who need immediate answers heres a list of all possible reasons for my vacation presented in "Top 10" format and edited to fit on your screen.

10. I was negotiating the release of hostages in Iraq. Being the charismatic diplomat that I am, I soon gathered a following of thousands with whom i will roll through europe and the middle east like a plague, all be it an enjoyable plague, spreading the gospel of peace.

9. I was on mission from the CIA and was not allowed to contact friends or family. The mission is now over and declassified to the point that I can tell you without pride or snobbery that the earth is safe ...for now.

8. I took it upon myself to rid the world of killer bees.

7. I created and successfully tested the worlds first lesbian make out ray... gun ...thing. Directions are as follows: 1. find two reasonably attractive (or not) women. 2. Point and fire the LMOR 3. Profit

6. I joined a cult. It was fun, but I got tired of soy.

5. I followed the grateful dead tour around the country ...rather I happened upon four yesteryear hippies in a VW bus with dead bears all over the bumper and followed them through the foot hills of the appalachian mountains for three days. We then spent the most erotic four weeks of our lives together in southern west virginia. I returned a changed man.

4. I had a sex change. Afterwards I found that no one valued my opinion. Making matters worse, I couldn't get ahead in workforce without giving someone head, which was fun at first but my lips were always chapped. The reasons for pickling my penis then became obvious and I had it reattached. Bread and butter if you're wondering.

3. Unsatisfied with the progress of the scientific community in the blanket field of "rocket science" (I say rocket science, because so few truly understand the science behind hydrogenemetricbihumanentroscopy studies). Hydrogenemetricsbihumanentroscopy used up any imagination i had left so I'mma give up on this and move to reason 2.

2. I lost both my arms in a soft ice cream machine accident. they've both been reattached. fuckin hoorah.

1. I took time off of work and rented a small cabin in western MD for the purpose of isolation. There I wrote a novel entitled A Splendid Journey which follows the trials and tribulations of a midwestern gay couple named Tod and Tad. It hits shelves this fall.

Again I apologize for my absence and hope that The Lizzle will be merciful.