Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Adventures with the Admiral...

As you might be able to tell from that last post, I was just too damn exhausted after the weekend festivities to think straight. Well, here it is, the long awaited vacation post!

Seeing as I am kinda living on a budget at the moment, and that a plane ticket would have been more than twice as expensive, I got to Ohio via Greyhound bus... Let me just start out by noting that the fine folks at Greyhound have no real concept of customer service. (And apparently they don't understand what the term "departure time" REALLY means either.) So I got on the bus at 3 AM (because I wanted to arrive in the early afternoon) and almost as soon as we were on our way we encountered problems. We had just left the city of Chicago, and most of the passengers were sleeping fitfully when we have a very rude awakening telling us via loudspeaker that we will be turning back because the bus is broken and not shifting gears, so we will need to wake up, gather our stuff and board another bus. (GRRRRRR.)

So we get on this second bus, which seemingly had problems with the air conditioning system, and tried to sleep through fits of shivers and teeth chattering.

I won't bore you with the rest of the trip, but suffice it to say that it was equally unpleasant.

And then I got to Ohio!

Kirsten welcomed me with open arms, and gave me a tour of Columbus, and our repoire picks up as though we hadn't seen each other in 3.5 hours instead of 3.5 YEARS.

We then meet up with Kirsten's older sister, Kelly. And as a trio we head out to Kirsten's favorite haunt, a lovely little place called "Woody's Sports Club."

Kirsten (The Admiral) is the one on the left, Kelly is the one on the right.

Now it should be noted that Kelly is a particular breed of asshole, and that she is COMPLETELY out of touch with reality. (We'll get to that!)

Kirsten looked cute in this picture, so I decided to post it even though I look like total dog shit.

After a long evening of drinking ENTIRELY too much alcohol of entirely too many varieties we went back to The Admiral's apartment and crashed hard, because her parents were coming at 10:00 AM to help with moving some of Kelly's furniture. Now as I noted before, Kelly is an out-of-touch-with-reality asshole of the grandest possible proportions. And even though it was her stuff being moved, she was not present for the actual physical labor. (The reason that she was not present was that she was supposed to be at a wedding.) So when Kirsten's parents and little sister Tricia showed up at 10 AM, we got our slightly hungover asses in gear and tried to get Kelly's crap moved as quickly as possible. And after we loaded it all into the truck, before we went to Kelly's new place to drop things off, we stopped for lunch. And while we were enjoying our meal, Kelly called.

Kirsten looks at her mother and says, "Wait, what? SHE'S STILL IN TOWN?" to which the reply was yes. Kirsten begins seething with rage at this point and can't believe that even though Kelly was still in town that she was unable to help with moving a load of her stuff. So we wrap up lunch and head over to Kelly's where we find her not dressed and ready to attend a wedding, but in a tank top and jean shorts, eating a triple cheeseburger, a salad, fries, and a giant coke.

Kirsten's purse apparently spilled in Kelly's car at some point when we were on our way home from Woody's, and Kelly had found a few things in the car, prompting the following exchange:

Kelly: "Hey, Kirst, your stuff is over there on the counter."
Liz: "Hey, Kelly, YOUR STUFF is out in the truck... How about you come help us move it."
Kelly: "I can't. I'm leaving in 5 minutes."
[Kirsten, Tricia, and I go outside to move stuff because Kelly is too busy with her cheeseburger to help.]
Tricia: "She had WAAAAAY more than 5 minutes worth of food in front of her!"
[Kelly slams the door.]
(My quote instantly becomes legendary, because apparently nobody even bothers to call Kelly out on her assholishness anymore.)

Eventually Kelly came out to at least direct where things were to be placed, and after the truck was unloaded we all got back in and marvelled that she was so unable to help because of that wedding she was attending and then because of that giant cheeseburger, and the conversation then shifted to other topics. About 20 minutes later, the rest of us are all talking about politics and such, and Tricia in a loud, deep voice calls out, "CHEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!!" a few moments later, again we are still talking about other things and again we hear Tricia call out, "CHEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!!" followed shortly again by "CHEEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!" at which point it occurs to me that I am the only one even fazed by this repetitive announcement and I turn to her and ask what the hell she is doing. Apparently she had been hypnotized by the way Kelly was lustfully consuming her burger and couldn't get it out of her head... (It is entirely possible that this isn't the least bit funny to you, but I assure you, that it was BEYOND hilarious to us.)

After the parents left, Kirsten and I went shopping and came home to await Scott's arrival from work. (And we played with Toby.)

And when Scott got home, we ordered pizza, got some beer, and went out to play some cornhole with the neighbors.

Now as much as I enjoy cornhole, I am not that great at it, and I don't have many opportunities to play and improve my skills.

So I left it to the pros, while consuming lots of alcohol.

And then some dogs showed up, and provided us with a good 45 minutes worth of animal-porn entertainment... In the foreplay period, I got this picture, which might be the scariest picture ever taken of the cutest dog... because basically, the dog looks like a hellhound.

And when it was too dark for any more cornhole, we moved the festivities inside, where we played dice games for drinks, and Kirsten scared us with a raptor immitation worthy of the Jurrassic Park films.

And since we had packed up the kitchen for the big move to take place on Sunday, a can opener was not available... But Scott is useful like that.

And then he picked on Kirsten for a little while... Which was cute.

And after a whole lot of drinking, talking, playing drinking games, and other assorted nonsense, we went to bed.

And when we got up on Sunday morning we found that Toby was ready to move!

So then we continued the packing and moving process and got Toby, Kirsten, and Scott into their lovely new home!

The rest of Sunday was spent unpacking, re-organizing, going to dinner and watching "The Ringer" because we are the kind of people who enjoy that kind of awful humor.

And Monday morning rolled around, and I went to the Greyhound station and continued to make notes of their TERRIBLE services.

But more importantly, I had an AWESOME time. I am hoping that we will be getting together much more often, and now that I am home, here are the quotes!


"Sometimes I wish I was like James Bond and I had machine guns in my headlights... Because then I could just shoot all the idiots out today... Seriously, I have flicked off an insane number of people today!" ~Kirsten

[Out of the blue] "You know, Britney Spears should totally do celebrity fit club!" ~Kirsten

Kirsten: "So I couldn't find my debit card for like 2 weeks... and then all of a sudden I found it in my purse, wrapped in a huge wad of Iraqi dinar [Iraqi money]"
Tricia: "Why was your debit card wrapped up in a wad of dinar in your purse?"
Pam: "More importantly, why are you carrying around Iraqi money in your purse?"
Kirsten: "I don't know I guess I just wanted to go do some shopping in downtown Baghdad!"

"LET'S CALL MOMMA!"~ Repeated through weekend by all parties.

"Hey! Scott's asleep, LET'S GO JUMP ON HIM!"~ Kirsten

"You know, terrorists run that gas station... and I know I couldn't say that with anyone but you in the car, but seriously, their gas is ALWAYS like 20 cents cheaper per gallon, and I'm convinced its because they have a direct connection!" ~Kirsten

"Kirsten, if you let Tim make you cry, the terrorists win!" ~Liz

"I just really REALLY wanted to do that... It made me feel like a spy!" ~ Kirsten on using a REALLY hard turn in an empty parking lot to turn around the car.

Kirsten: "Can I put the broomstick up your butt? Please?? I'll be gentle! I promise!!"
Scott: "No you won't!"
Kirsten: "You can tell we've had that conversation a time or two.


"Hey, your stuff is out in the truck, how about you come help move it." ~Everyone

Kirsten: "That's the thing I love about Scott... He's half Japanese... If you prick him he'll bleed soy sauce."

Liz: "You guys are going to think I am really awful for saying this, but on bus on the way here, I deliberately sat in front of the deaf people who were speaking in sign language because all I wanted to do was sleep, and I knew for a fact that they weren't going to be loud."
Kirsten: "I don't think that's awful at all... I mean to be honest, its just good sense."

Kirsten: "He should just mutter in retard that he was hitting on the other girl."
Liz: "Did you just use the phrase 'Mutter in retard?'"
Kirsten: Yeah... Well... BUT HE SHOULD!!

Scott: "Why are they in a bar watching the Special Olympics?"
Liz: "Why are the Special Olympics even televised there?"
Scott: "YEAH! Who is airing the Special Olympics?"
Kirsten: "Maybe they are being aired on W-T-A-R-D."
Scott: "Let me guess their tagline... 'A special network for special people?'"

"Drinking a gin and tonic is like drinking mountains!" ~Kirsten

"When the FUCK did we get ice cream?" ~ Everyone

"Popo Zao!" ~Everyone

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