Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Another day, another chance to stab the old man...

If you should happen to catch a headline on CNN, or whatever news outlet you choose, and it reads something like, "Mentally unhinged woman stabs grandfather with pencil, kills him using a hammer, a book, and a pair of shoes, " it's probably about me. They'll probably shorten that headline somewhat, but either way, it's still gonna be all about me. And when they show my mugshot, the one where I am clearly drenched in arterial spray, just gaze at me, and say, "Ohhh, I knew her when..." Of course that whole murder rap will probably cut down on my posting. My apologies in advance.

And now that I think about it, the fact that I've posted these thoughts here for you probably cuts into my insanity/justifiable homicide defense... So let's just pretend this never happened, shall we?

Today I went to visit my mom in her office while she and the other ladies were on their lunch hour, and while I was still standing there, she looked at her co-workers and said, "You know, if she DOESN'T kill him one of these days, I'll be surprised." ...You know it's bad when your last bastian of sanity is telling her coworkers that it would be more surprising if you DIDN'T kill someone than if you did.

Tonight was another adventure in mind-numbing network television with piss-poor reception (because the old man doesn't believe in cable,) inane questions, repeating things for the hard of hearing, and defending my use of the household electrical supply. Honestly, it's a wonder I wasn't guzzling the vodka straight out of the bottle. And I own that I slid in a couple of cheap jabs out of frustration, and I admittedly over-poured the alcohol content in my cocktail, but it was either that, or punch an 86 year old man in the face, causing him to choke to death on his dentures... Alcohol was the sound alternative. (Now I TOTALLY know why grandma drank so much, and why her happy hours always started so early!) (A martini or two with lunch is not only an option, it's the smart bet.)

I know that moving back here was supposed to be all about rebuilding my financial status, but SERIOUSLY, I've got to get out of here in a hurry! Felony murder charges do nothing for a resume! (They even look bad on the resume of a hired killer, because that means your retarded ass got caught... And nobody wants to hire a killer who gets caught!)

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