Drum roll please...

Ok, so this is the post you've all so anxiously waited for...

Before you say it, no, I didn't bump off the old man. So this is not the post where I incriminate myself by telling you all about how I finally snapped and *smothered him in his sleep.

*It should be noted that pretty much any way that an old man can die and have it not be an obvious homicide would pretty much directly implicate me through my writings... Even if I have nothing to do with it. Think about it. Let's say he stumbles and falls down the stairs... Someone could say I pushed him. Or he suddenly mysteriously falls ill... Someone would think I poisoned him. Or he should just passively go in his sleep... Undoubtedly someone will come looking for me, to find out if I smothered him. Great... So even if I don't kill him, it's on me.

No, this is that other post you've been anxiously awaiting.

The Lizzle was informed today that she got the job she wanted.

Those of you who have plodded along with me through the entire length of this arduous journey are totally out of your seats cheering now. Thank you. I encourage that behavior, and I'll be looking for more of it in the future.

So we all know that I'm not geographically where I want to be, but professionally, I just got to where I needed to go before making the jump into graduate school, and pursuing my ultimate career goal... It's a big healthy step in the right direction.

So what is it that I will be doing, you ask?

An excellently timed question my dear reader! I'm so glad you get right to the point.

My new professional title: Family Counselor.

All of you go ahead and have a REALLY GOOD deep belly laugh on that one! I know it really is worthy of a hearty guffaw! (This is my subtle way of implying that the irony of my new position and its title is in no way lost on me.)

Yes, I acknowledge that the irony is so thick that you're going to need a chainsaw and several of those lumberjack fellows who compete on ESPN to cut that bad boy up!

Yeah, I just mentioned a homicidal hypothetical directed at a member of my own family, and then I informed you that I have become a family counselor... A little awkward, I know. But here's the thing. (A) My degree technically qualifies me for the job. (B) I will not be dealing with my own family. (B and a half) Everybody's family is a little fucked up, and MANY people have a family member who makes them crazy, but nine times out of ten you don't have to live with that family member, and even in that tenth case, it's rare that familial homicide actually occurs... Yeah, it happens, but it's relatively rare. (C) Working all day will keep me far away from grandpa. (D) Being seen at the office, or out at an appointment with a client will totally be a solid alibi when I end up having nothing to do with his eventual death, no matter the circumstances.

So there you have it, I am back.

(Mom even noted a marked improvement in my demeanor and level of personal animation upon announcement of the blessed event.)

I celebrated by taking my mom out to my brother's restaurant for a proper drink. And though I've had better chocolate martinis, this one was just a little sweeter because I could taste victory! (But the best chocolate martini was at a restaurant back up in my old Chicago neighborhood... They made a damn fine cosmo too. And the pasta was perfection... Dammit, now I'm missing home!)

In other news, my cousin Kara went into a false labor today, and based on what we were hearing there is a very very good chance that we will have a new family member sometime on Friday. Please direct your positive thoughts toward this situation, as it is the one to which we need a positive end at the earliest deadline. Other situations have been de-prioritized until I advise a status upgrade. I'll keep you posted.

Well, Eggs, I hope you all have a GREAT weekend. But behave yourselves! I don't have enough money for your bail just yet... I just got the job.