Monday, April 30, 2007

Who are you, and what have you done with my real family?

I had an extraordinary day today. Though in the interest of literary license and general suspense, I'm going to tell you about it all out of order.

I got up with only a short list of things to do.

Go to church. (CHECK.)
Get a chop for dinner. (CHECK.)
Get laundry done. (CHECK.)
Go out to stores and look at possible chairs for my new soon-to-be living room. (UMMM... CHECK.)

I got up. I went to church. I talked to mom about looking at furnishings. She said we would get a chop for dinner, and then go looking at things. And the plan was to do laundry after dinner.

Well, we got the chop. And I got my laundry done after dinner, and we already established that I went to church. All this was according to plan.

After my laundry finished it's last tumbles in the dryer, I packed it up and prepared to take it home. I realized upon arriving home that I had forgotten my leftovers from dinner in the fridge. I let momma know, and she said she'd bring them by in a little bit. And when she did bring them, she informed me of an interesting exchange she had with the old geezer.

Momma: "I'm going to take those leftovers to Liz."

Old Geezer: "Oh, I just figured she'd come and get them tomorrow."

M: "Well, she could, I suppose, but I told her I'd bring them."

OG: "Why is that? She doesn't want to come over? Doesn't she like to come over here?"

M: "Oh, no, it's not that. She likes it just fine. I just told her I'd bring them... Do you like for her to come over?"

OG: "Well, yeah. I like it when she comes over. It's nice to see her!"

For those of you who stuck with me through the development of that story line, and know how I was repeatedly made to feel as though I were the ultimate burden in my time there, you were in all likelihood as surprised to read those lines as I was to hear them! When my mom told me this, I wondered if the old man had been into the bourbon again. Though it really wasn't the first time today that I had to wonder if Xenu had kidnapped my real family and replaced them with deceptively physically accurate cyborgs... Or something.

Earlier in the weekend, I decided to go and look at living room furniture, as in my new apartment, I will actually have a proper living room which will need to be furnished. I asked momma if she wanted to come along for any and all rounds of furniture perusal, as I value her opinion.

We looked on Saturday, and while we found a few pieces that went into the "maybe" column, nothing really popped. The fact that I also had little money to throw at the problem of not having furniture also gave some credence to the idea that we were LOOKING and not in fact BUYING.

Well, Sunday we ventured out to a grouping of stores, and found that they had a beautiful leather chaise. (It should be noted that I have ALWAYS - or for at least as long as I've had the desire to own any piece of furniture- wanted a chaise. I have always fancied them. I think they are very chic.)

I sat on it, and found it to be quite comfy as well as being very stylish. I balked at the $1000 price tag on it though. I moved on to look at other pieces... though in my heart, I lusted after the chaise.

Mom knows that I have a weak spot for stylish functional pieces.

Mom speaks to a manager.

Mr. Manager finds a tape measure.

Mr. Manager measures the object of my lust... As well as the dimensions of the rear of my mother's SUV.

I know that there is no chance in hell that mom is thinking of purchasing a $1000 piece of furniture for me.

Mom is a natural-born bargain hunter... She wouldn't blow a grand on a piece of furniture! That's just a FACT.

Mr. Manager and mom are in cahoots.

I won't give away the secret, but momma made little Lizzle's dream of owning a chaise come true. And for a LOT less than you'd imagine. (And no, Michael, she didn't get a "special price" by commission of any pervy sex acts in the stock room! My momma is a saint!) I think that the Xenu purchase-power cyborgs are equipped with some kind of mind-meld tactic that we simple humans are unable to escape... Poor Katie Holmes never really had a chance, and neither did Mr. Manager.

Mom, (I believe still drunk on her dealing-skill power trip) then said, don't you have a dining room too?


"Umm, yes. I do have a dining room." (I nearly choked on the words.)

"You have a dining room, and no table or chairs... You need a table and chairs."

(The wheels in my head were spinning... Damn you Xenu! I loved my momma just the way she was! You're trying to seduce me into loving this cyborg clone by buying my affections! You can't buy me Xenu! YOU CAN'T!)

"Well, pick out something that will work for you."

(Xenu... [cough, sputter] I am weakening to your buying power! )

(Jeez, now I know how Katie Holmes felt in the beginning... just before her lobotomy.)

I found a table and four chairs that worked for me.

Momma said, "RING IT UP! ...OH, and DELIVER IT! We don't want to have to fool with hauling it ourselves."

I know that I have said in recent posts that momma was the hotness... Today she was putting THE FIRES OF THE SUN to the test with her hotness. There was just no stopping her!

And even when I pulled out the old, "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT THIS?" card, she didn't bat an eyelash.

"Yes. I'm sure. You need real furniture for your new place. And this is my way of ensuring that you will spoil me when I am old. You now have to put me in the good home."

So you see, my momma, is the awesomest.

(...And so is her cyborg clone.)

You'd think that after racking up 6 pieces of furniture I'd have been cut off. But momma still wasn't done.

Accent pillows, and an antiqued wall-hanging that reads, "HAPPY HOUR" were also in order.

My mind reels at the dizzying rate and degree to which I was spoiled this afternoon.

I know that my mom has ALWAYS been an exceedingly generous and caring soul. She has always put the wants and needs of her children above her own. I think this afternoon was just the latest display of her doing something for someone else before taking her own needs or wants into consideration.

(I also think that with the recent sale of her house, she has found a little financial freedom to make herself happy by being more able to do things for others... She really is the awesomest!)

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