Wednesday, May 11, 2005

In the words of Dennis Leary, "I'm an asshole." (But you already knew that)

Work today was poop. I hate hanging baskets.


Apparently I said something to garner praise for my writing. Not only did my last entry get a few comments in the actual comment section, I also got several e-mails and personal comments. Thanks for the feedback people! It's nice to know people are actually reading.

To elaborate on the things that generated the biggest buzz;

Yes, I am the starving ethiopian of the dating world. I think this is a very sound analogy for my dating situation. Unfortunately I have not tracked down Sally Struthers to figure out where all the dating sustenence has gone to... because it sure as hell hasn't made it to my doorstep despie the fact that others keep telling me it's coming. (It's like that south park episode where they send the money, but Sally Struthers was hoarding all the food for herself... WELL SCREW THAT! I'M STARVIN MARVIN, AND I WANT WHAT'S COMING TO ME!!!)


And as for being a gay man trapped in a woman's body, most of you got the joke in there. A few of you misinterpreted it as me coming out of the closet. That scares me because that means you thought there was a closet that I needed to come out of. That's a problem.

So, to clarify, JUST BECAUSE I LIKE BASEBALL, and MY BRAIN IS 60% MALE DOES NOT MEAN I'M A LESBIAN. And just because I am a proponent of gay marriage doesn't mean it's because I want to be in a gay marriage.

Please don't get me wrong, I like lesbians just fine. I have MANY gay and lesbian friends, as well as my share of homosexual family members who I love and accept exactly as they are. I do not, however, under any circumstances LOVE lesbians... and by LOVE, I mean LOOOOOOVE.

I am a heterosexual... I HEART BOYS!

I said I was a GAY MAN (meaning I am someone who likes BOYS) trapped in a woman's body. Y'all need to learn to read!


This is not where I was planning on going with this.


My cousin Tiffany is getting married the same weekend as my college graduation. I'm pretty sure that the whole family is of the same belief as I am; this wedding is a sham, and divorce will follow shortly after... my bet, 2-3 years. 5 MAX. But whatever...


Considering I have a history final and a drama final standing between me and graduation, I think it's fair for me to look back on my college career and offer up a little insight into my experience.

  • I learned a lot during my four years at Loyola. 95% of that learning occurred outside a classroom.
  • I established friendships with some of the most amazing people a girl could ever hope to know! I hope that these bitches don't go leaving and forgetting about my punk ass, because I love them!
  • I also met my fair share of people who I will be more than happy to never speak to again.
  • I learned that the bookstore is a racketeering scam, and that your best bet is to buy your books on Amazon for $3.50 instead of $600, and then if you don't plan on keeping them, sell them to kids who have the class next semester rather than sell them back to the bookstore... you'll get WAY MORE money back that way!
  • You can always find whatever you need for less money on the internet.
  • E-Bay is more addictive than crack.
  • The university DOES CARE about that 53 cents you owe them for a thirty second phone call that you made your freshman year, on that account that they made you set up to use the phone in the dorms.
  • There really is NOTHING MORE VILE than the food served in university dining halls.
  • More alcohol is always the answer... and for those students who don't drink, please note that MORE ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.
  • When in doubt, try something once, and if you don't like it, at least you can say that you tried it.
  • If you go to school in Chicago or anywhere NORTH of Chicago, 75 degree weather IS A VALID REASON to skip class. (On the opposite end of the spectrum, snow is also a valid reason to skip class)
  • You will often be amazed at the amount of work you can get done when you're under the gun... and you're likely under the gun because you were "busy" playing snood, or ultimate frisbee, or napping instead of working.
  • Frisbee, soccer, dodgeball, badminton, tennis, football, and rugby are not good ideas to play in the hall right outside your RA's door... However, Slip 'n Slide IS A GOOD IDEA.
  • If you wake up at 3 AM to find live chickens running around in the hallway, blame the frat boys... it's usually a safe bet.
  • If you piss certain people off, they WILL put your toothbrush in the toilet.
  • You can always get the notes from someone else.
  • There really is no substitute for mom.
  • Being poor doesn't stop with college.
  • Being immature doesn't stop after college.
  • Until 15 minutes before the exam, studying can always be put off for 5 more minutes.
  • You are never going to use any of the crap that you learned in those core classes.
  • There is no substitute for a good sense of humor.
  • is an invaluable tool!!
  • No matter who you live with, there will be moments when you really find yourself liking the other person, and there are moments when you want to gouge their eyes out with a pencil... You gotta take the good with the bad, and try to love themfor who they are.

That's enough revelation for now... more later.

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