CASTING ADDITIONS!!!

As you all know, I've been casting the movie that would be based on my life... here are a couple of additions to the cast list!!

Michael K: Paris Hilton.
Krystian: Wes Bentley (American Beauty)

Bored on a Saturday... So I think I'll flip out like a ninja, 'cause that's what ninjas do!

Ok, so I'm bored on a Saturday afternoon. Logically, since I still have internet service at the moment, I spent my time finding amusing things and taking assorted online quizzes for fun.
(Feel free to take the quizzes and leave your results in my comments section.)

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But first, try this little number on for size, BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Yeah, I'm totally gonna flip out like a ninja, 'cause that's what ninjas do!

Don't believe me?

See for yourself! (Beth, you're going to love this!)

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What kind of love am I? I'm the RAREST KIND, BITCHES!

Perhaps this is why I can't find a suitable boyfriend.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

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You Are a Glam Rocker!

You put the "show" in rock show with your larger than life self. No doubt, you are all about making good music... But what really gets you going is having an over the top show. Glitter, costumes, and wild hair are your thing - with some rock thrown in!

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

GLAM ROCK? DAMN SKIPPY!

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You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You know you wish you were "Spank Me Pink!"

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How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

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Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

In case you didn't know, I'm bloody brilliant!

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In a Past Life...

You Were: A genius Viking. Where You Lived: New Zealand. How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

If the rest of the Vikings were geniuses like me, they all woulda ended up in balmy New Zealand too!

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Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Daddy-o Why You Love Him: because he's your baby daddy

Who's Your Daddy?

And you know this is true!

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Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

YEP.

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Ok, now I'm bored again.

That's it! I've had it! I'm moving to Nepal.

Ok, so I'm not moving to Nepal. But I'll tell you all something, there are moments the idea is tempting.

The only problem with moving to Nepal? It'd be tough to find a wireless signal. And I'm pretty sure that I couldn't afford airfare right now. (...Note to self: Check into pricing on one-way ticket to Nepal.)

The fact is that I am struggling to make heads or tails of my life at the moment. The fact is that I am a college-educated, reasonably attractive girl, (Stop giggling! I can be cute if I try!) and I've got what can only be described as 'OODLES of personality.' Apparently that and a dollar seventy-five will get me a ride on the el. Because I know it's not enough to get a bartending job in this crazy town.

So I decided to make myself a little more marketable by going to bartending school. I figured it would help to actually know how to make some of those crazy drinks, and at least look like I know what's going on behind the bar. That hasn't seemed to help either.

In my quest to get a bartending job (insert "in the last week" when reading "quest") I have applied at 18 different bars/restaurants (ALL of which placed ads seeking bartenders!) ...And do you want to know the result?

NADA.

NOTHING.

ZIP.

ZILCH.

NIL.

ZERO.

Well... I did get a "trial position" at Reza's on Clark, but that bitch wants me to wait tables hawking Persian food instead of pouring drinks. You know what I say to that? FUCK THAT! I didn't spend an ass-load of money on a college education to wait tables. And I didn't spend money on bartending school to wait tables.

The fact is that I know that bartenders in this town make a killing, so that's why I spent the money on bartending school. Well, that, and I know I'd be fucking brilliant at it.

How do I know this? I know this because in addition to the 30 or so people who have repeatedly told me that I would be an incredible bartender, alcohol is in my DNA!

And no, I'm not merely referring to the negligible amount that is presently coursing through my veins as I sit here, drinking as I type, feeling sorry for myself.

I'm referring to the fact that my dad, who has since been unsuccessful in other businiess endeavours used to own a liquor store. (We had a kegerator/tap system in my basement when I was a little kid!) My brother is a bartender. I got into bartending school cheap because I know people who operate bartending schools... etc.

So, despite the fact that I know what the fuck I'm doing behind a bar, I graduated at the top of my bartending school class, bartending being something I was born to do, and a track record for being a reliable, selfless, and honest employee, and having the right personality for the job, I am apparently only fit to waitress.

BULLSHIT!

Fuck it!

LOOK OUT, NEPAL! HERE I COME!

I've got this crazy idea...

Yeah, bitches, I've got a really crazy idea.

Now I know you are all going to think this is really wild and off the wall, but just hear me out, mmm-kay?

How about we all try to not be hospitalized or die for a little while? Can we do that? Please?

I mean, I know I've been rather wrapped up in trying to find an acceptable job, but that's no reason for everyone else to decide it's time to start dropping like flies!

Let's see, I've got one grandma with a broken hip who refuses to do her physical therapy, so she's living in a rehab facility. I've got one grandma who has spent the last month in the hospital battling some kind of rapidly-regenerating cancer (and resulting family drama), I've got two friends who have some form of cancer, and now Mendez had to be checked into the hospital for severe chest pains.

The Lizzle cake can't handle much more of this, so I tell ya what, let's have everybody get healthy and stay that way, and we'll get together and have a delicious ice cream snack!! (I'm going to recommend Breyer's Take Two - Vanilla ice cream and Orange sherbet...BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME!) I think that's a pretty damn good idea all-around, don't you?

You don't think so?

Well, FINE! IF YOU DON'T WANT ICE CREAM THEN YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF! I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ICE CREAM WITH YOUR SMELLY ASS ANYWAY! SLUT!

Worth a gander...

You kids all know that when I am not involved in my own ridiculous and generally amusing life, I spend my time seeking out the amusing stories of others for your enjoyment...

Please note that I didn't write anything below that funny line, (aside from the caption that notes the separation of posts), but rather, I tracked it down and posted it here for your amusement.

Thank you, have a good one!

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Title: I might be dying.

Now that we have the Cub, I've decided to be a responsible adult and increase my life insurance coverage so that if I die she won't have to smuggle illegal aliens across the border to pay for college.

I called our life insurance agent and because of my age and health history, he quoted some really reasonable rates. I applied for a new policy.

He called me back recently.

"You didn't cancel your existing policy, did you?"

This wasn't a good sign.

"No, why?"

"You know those rates that I quoted you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we're going to have to multiply those by about ten to give you the coverage that you want."

At first, I thought he was joking.

"Why?"

"Well, you had an EEG back in 2000, right?"

"Right. What about it?"

"Because of that test, the company has rated you as a high risk."

I almost forgot about that test. I had an EEG after my doctor detected a heart murmur. I have a leak in my heart's mitral valve, but my doctor said that it was no big deal. All he said that I needed to do was take an antibiotic before I get any dental work done. Plaque can get in the bloodstream and grow in the heart in people with this condition, which can lead to death. But that was it. The doctor didn't recommend any lifestyle changes or otherwise advise me that I probably shouldn't consume a tub of margarine in one sitting anymore.

But because of this insurance issue, I wonder if there isn't something seriously wrong with me (healthwise that is, smartass). Here's a list of people who apparently can buy life insurance at a cheaper rate than me:

Meth addicts
Streetwalkers
Osama Bin Laden
Gary Busey

For the first time in my life, I'm confronting the fact that I'm going to die one day. Before I had the Cub, I really didn't care about dying one way or the other. It doesn't mean that I've ever wanted to die, but if someone had told me that I was going to die the next day, I probably wouldn't have been too upset by it.

People would get worried when I said stuff like that. They'd ask, "You're young. Aren't there a lot of things you want to do before you die?" I'd say, "If I was going to die, why would I care about things that I didn't do?" I'm a procrastinator. Dying is the ultimate validation of procrastination. Instead of regretting that I never climbed K2, I'll be on my death bed thinking "Man, I'm glad I waited to do my taxes."

I've had my fair share of brushes with death. I've been in a multiple car pileup in an ice storm where a Dodge Stealth ended up perched on my hood about six inches from my windshield. I was hit by a bulldozer while driving a Saturn. I was in a turbo prop plane that got caught in Tropical Storm Allison in 2001 and almost crashed in the landing. When the plane came to a stop, the passengers gave the pilot a standing ovation. But all the time we were making our descent, I was thinking, "this is really interesting." I've always figured that nothing would ever happen to me because I'm destined for greatness.

I've never had any serious health problems. I once went over five years without even catching a cold. And despite that I've lived on a diet consisting solely of food that can be found in airports, I've always had low cholesterol. I've never worried about illness until now.

But now I'm taking death seriously. I want to stick around for as long as possible for the Cub. It freaks me out that if something happened to me now, she wouldn't be able to remember me. And so far, I've only taught her the first two Rules of Fight Club.

I guess I'm going to have to follow up with the doctor. I can't remember which doctor I had at the time of the EEG. I once had a doctor that would prescribe me just about any drug if I pretended to have the right symptoms. Nothing serious like Vicodin or Oxycontin, but if I needed Zirtec for my allergies, for example, I wouldn't even have to come in his office. I'm convinced that if I insisted, he would've prescribed me birth control pills.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted after I go back to the doctor.

That is if I don't die before then.


[Next Post]

Title: In case you thought I was making it up

Following up on yesterday's post, I got this letter in the mail today from my friendly neighborhood life insurance carrier. Where appropriate, I have supplied an Insurance Lingo to English translation:

Dear D,

Thank you for your application to increase the amount of your term insurance coverage. We appreciate the confidence you have shown in our company. This is our stock BS introduction before we lower the boom on your sickly ass.

We regret to inform you that we are unable to approve your applicaton at the same premium rate as your original policy. We didn't know at the time of your application that your life expectancy is about 27 minutes. Please be assured the coverage on your original policy will remain in force and unchanged. Our lawyers say we have no choice. But if you so much as forget to put a stamp on a single premium payment, we'll drop you like a dress on prom night.

However, we are able to issue the additional amount applied for as a new policy. If we get enough premium, we'd insure Robert Downey, Jr. on an Amsterdam vacation. The new policy is being issued at a different risk classificaton because of the results of your January 17, 2000 echocardiogram, as received in the medical records from Dr. [Everythingsgonnabealright]. You're now in the pool with ebola victims.

We also carefully reviewed the additional benefit you requested and regret that we are unable to provide the Premium Waiver Benefit. Sucks to be you.

Please remember that we may view your medical information differently than your doctor. After all, who knows more about your health -- a physician or an accountant? Although your case was reviewed individually, we also need to consider our experience with groups of people who have a similar health profile. One man spontaneously burst into flames shortly after climbing a single flight of stairs. While your doctor is able to meet with you on a regular basis, our decision is based on information available to us at a present time. We have seen just enough information to be freaked out.

At your request, we would be willing to review your policy again after your first policy anniversary to see if we can lower your premium. During the next year, may we suggest sit-ups? At that time, we will review your medical history and determine if we need additional information. If you're still alive. You may contact your Financial Representative for assistance with the reconsideration process. He has no control over our decisions but we hope you'll be distracted by his really excellently blow dried hair.

We value your business and look forward to providing you with excellent service. Which consists solely of processing your premium payments.

[In]sincerely,

Anonymous Underwriter

That's how I roll... (and QUALITY QsOTD!!!)

Let’s get something straight here…

I don’t claim to have a handle on things. Most days I walk around and find strange new things that astound and amaze me. A lot of those things are probably rather commonplace to the rest of the citizens of the world. Not me.

So as a child of wonderment, I will let you know my own unimportant opinions about a few things.

I am a 22 year old girl who is thrilled by the concept of being 22 and eating bagel bites for dinner. (I think there is something inherently glorious about that!)

I think Quentin Tarrantino is a cinematic GENIUS.

I think Guy Ritchie is a brilliant writer / director, but not quite the overall caliber of Tarrantino’s genius-level.

I think that fashion models are overpaid.

I think the current general obsession with fame and celebrity is unhealthy.

I think twins are so fascinating… I wish I had a twin.

I don’t like peanut butter.

I don’t mind peanut butter and jelly sammiches.

I think sammiches, or better yet s’miches is a better way of saying SANDWICHES… and I think we’ll all be better off once we adopt these alternate terms into our lexicon.

I don’t understand how some people are incapable of multitasking… I am in fact writing this post, watching a movie, painting my toenails, and talking to my brother.

I like the smell of gasoline.

I am creeped out by:

• Close talkers.
• Amputees.
• Hairless cats.
• People with spectacularly thick glasses.
• People with really bad teeth.

I am somehow otherwise inexplicably put off (though not “creeped out” ) by:

• Hummel figurines.
• Large collections of teddy bears/ dolls.
• Gin.
• Knee-length socks
• Taco Bell
• Mittens.
• People who constantly talk on the phone with those ear pieces
• People who talk on the phone in the bathroom
• People who change the spelling of their own name… though not legally, and not changing the actual name, rather only the spelling.
• Mustard.
• PT Cruisers.
• That beeping noise made by large vehicles when they back up
• The game Canasta
• That nursing-home smell
• People who cannot sing but force me to listen to them anyway.
• Celebrities who are famous for no reason other than the fact that they have money.

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I ran across a veritable treasure trove of quality quotes that I’d written down but not posted, and so you all reap the benefits now!!! (I’ll give you a bunch because I know you’ve been aching for them lately!)

QOTD

Liz: “You know you really just don’t see enough green liquor…”
Em: “Well, you don’t tend to say the word ‘naked’ in a bank very much either, but that’s just how it goes."

“Well it would probably be better if you smothered yourself in butter… because, as we all know butter makes everything better!” ~ Dez.

“You know when I leave here I’m going to need a cigarette… and a vibrator… and then probably another cigarette…” ~ Jamie

“You know what, I’m going to tune you out right about now, but you can keep talking, and I’ll just stare at your chest!” ~ Matt

“Miners die of black lung, right? Well me, I’m not a miner! I’m just a smoker, so I’m going to die of sparkly gold lung!” ~ Joe

Old woman on street: “Can either of you spare a quarter?”
Dave: “No, I need my quarter… but I’ve got a kidney I’m not using if you want that!”

“I have given this some serious thought… and I’m tired of hearing that people don’t go to church the way they used to… I mean really, there’s an easy solution to all of this; just make being good look like it’s more appealing and fun than being bad… oh, I guess that isn’t an EASY solution” ~ Mark

“Wanna go out dancin’? Wanna go out drinkin’? Wanna go out whorin’? Oh wait, that’s for Kaci’s birthday, not yours.” ~ Kara

Dave: (talking about Dez’s piercing) “Ouch, did that hurt?”
Dez: “Yeah, it hurt for a little while”
Dave: “How long did it hurt?”
Dez: “I don’t know… it hurt till it stopped hurting.”


And there’s more where those came from BITCHES!

sorry.

Best quotes I can manage at the moment: (Don't hate me, I know they are pretty lame... but you bitches don't communicate the way you used to!)

QOTD

Liz: you're so doomed.
Krystian: at least i'll be in "good" company
Liz: I'm afraid we can't hang out anymore... I'm afraid you will be struck by lightning... because I have the feeling that God will smite us both, and when we get together we are an easy 2 for 1 target
Krystian: haha, true!


(Krystian will be going to Spain soon)
Liz: You know I'm worth a spanish post card too!!!
Krystian: Positive!
Liz: ...after all, I kept you in clean volleyball gear for years! And I even added dryer sheets!
Krystian: got me thurr...aight, you'z gon' get boaf'
(Krystian is SO GHETTO!)

Assorted fun. Quality pics and links!

Can I buy this shirt somewhere??? (Not that I will be running or anything...)

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I don't know about you kids, but it made me chuckle...

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I am guessing that the people who laid out this design plan had something else in mind... but hey, here's an E for effort!

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take a look at this picture... it's worth a chuckle!

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If I had unlimited funds... (or even just a little extra cash to throw around,) I'd totally buy this shirt for Meljoy... She is, after all, my favorite mathlete! As for the shirt, for chrissake, it features a cardoid shaped polar curve!

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The last page is hilarious; A religious parody of Green Eggs and Ham

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I watched this at all speeds... I found it to be utterly mesmerizing!

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Quick question:

Perhaps someone will be able to answer this for me:

Why is Nicole Kidman lauded as an Australian actress? Bitch was born in Hawaii, and moved to Washington D.C. for a few years before she moved to the land down under! By that fact isn't she really an American actress who moved to Australia for a fat minute and then came back to the states once she started making a name for herself?

And Russell Crowe? He isn't Australian either! He's from New Zealand.

Bitches, remember where you were born... THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE FROM!

A change of pace...

Today began like any other...

I got up, went through my morning routine, lazed about for a little while, and then I set out on my merry way to find a job.

6 applications/resume drops, 1 immediate interview, and a couple of new-shoe-inflicted blisters later, and I have got a "trial job."

Yeah, I went to Reza's restaurant first, they deal in Persian food. I filled out an application, talked to Reza himself, and he instantly offered me a one week trial position... kinda.

After our brief interview, he asked me if I had any questions, and I asked if there were any specialty drinks I would need to know to work there. He responded by handing me their food menu and telling me to learn the food menu and not worry about drinks. (That's not good.)

I might be wrong here, but generally when you are a bartender you worry more with drinks than with food, right?

I made it quite clear that I was applying for a BAR TENDER position, as the ad, (see below) said they required.

• REZA'S RESTAURANT is now hiring for at all three locations. In need of bartenders. Apply in person, 2pm-6pm: 432 W Ontario, Chicago; 5255 N Clark St, Chicago

I don't know about you, but when I go in looking for a bar tending job and he wants me to learn the menu instead of specialty drinks, I get a little concerned. (I don't have the patience for actual waitressing.)

The kicker is that he asked me to come on for a one week trial period... if this is a one week trial as a waitress, I'm going to have a problem with that... A BIG problem! (Any suggestions on how to handle this situation would be appreciated!!!)

I applied at a few other places, and expect a few calls in the near future on a couple of them. We shall see I suppose.

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While walking around, I was verbally assaulted by a "street preacher" who desperately wanted me to spend my money with God and Jesus at a local church's fish fry.

Trying to get rid of him, I told him I was Jewish.

He then proceeded to tell me that I was not 100% Jewish because God wouldn't allow me to live in this country if I weren't at least partially Christian. He went on to say that EVERYONE is at least part Christian... (I'd love to hear him tell that to Osama) and that being born in America automatically made me part Christian... I told him that was funny since I thought being born in America only made you American... what with the separation of church and state and all.

He shut his yap and kept moving.

*To be clear, I am not Jewish. I was raised a Catholic, and am currently exploring the area of my personal religion. I do believe in the existence of God, and I do go to Catholic mass on a fairly regular basis. (I just don't like being told how to spend my money by a "Street preacher" ... especially when God and Jesus aren't around to personally spend it the way they think it needs to be spent... so instead, I pay my electricity bill.)

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A little while later, while walking closer to home, I passed some kids playing on the sidewalk.

A young boy, (I'm guessing about 3 years old) proceeded to grab my bottom as I passed.

I was startled by this to say the least! (And if he were a 10 years older, I'd have likely hit him with my purse... but alas he was a youngin, and his caregiver admonished him properly instead.)

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Aside from all those shenannigans, life has gone on as usual.

Am I the only one who remembers this cartoon?

It could just be me, but I totally remember the Snorks!

For those of you who don't recall the Snorks, here's the skinny: While not directly based on the Smurfs, the Snorks were basically appealing to the same audience, and using a lot of very similar plot lines.

Based in Snorkland (an undersea haven for the snorks!) these bitches swam around and acted like their blue, land-bound counterparts.

The straw-like structure protruding from their heads are actually supposed to be "protruding gills" but also served as a handy propeller to swim through the water.

Frickin' brilliant... Kids today don't know what they missed out on by being born 20 years too late!

Hell-bound or bust!

Because I find shit like this funny... that's why I am going to hell. It does make me feel a little better that I was not the person who looked at the original picture and thought this up...

The fact is that, while awful and sad, the baby actually seems to be in good spirits! Hell, part of me thinks he'd be cheerfully clapping, if only he could!

(Drops head in shame... There really is no doubt about it, I am SOOO going to hell.)

Hilarious AND True!

I was fumbling around on the internet, and decided to give ol' Redphi5h a visit.

While I was there, I scrolled down and happened upon this HILARIOUS picture!

Because we all know that while it is a publicity stunt, Tom Cruise is sucking all the life and credibility that Katie Holmes could've ever hoped to have... (not that it's really all that much in the way of crediblity.) So sad... He's a succubus. Believe it!

(Michael, you know you love this shit!)

We went out to Wrigleyville on Friday. All these pics are from Casey Moran's.

I think this guy was out WELL PAST his bedtime... so Chi Chi decided to turn and dance with the wall instead.

Chi Chi lookin hot (before the vomitting started)

Drunk white boys should not be allowed on the dance floor... this guy is just too awful for words!

(And is it just me, or does this picture make it look like he is tickling the belly of the fat guy behind him?)

More evidence.

Another drunk white boy dancing... Does anyone else think this guy bears a slight resemblance to Bill Metzger?

Liz and Drew!

Time for an extended dose of ramblings!

It’s been a long time since I’ve assembled a list of my ramblings for you… (and since that is a popular posting every time I do it, I apologize for not doing it more often.) So here it is, a ramblings post for your enjoyment.

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As much as I do love living alone, part of me has become afraid that I will die one of those horrible big-city deaths… you know the kind. Like when someone slips, falls, and bleeds to death from a gash in the head and a brain hemorrhage, or what is more likely for me that I will go out drinking one night, and come home to take my (now infamous) drunken shower, and I will manage to drown in the tub. These types of deaths are quiet… the kind of thing that goes unnoticed by neighbors who don’t know your name… Fortunately, I think it’s a safe assumption that my mom would realize that something was wrong when I didn’t answer her phone calls (because I don‘t really talk to anyone else on a frequent or regular enough basis), and thus my body would be discovered before the smell drifted out into the hall and overpowered the stench of whatever ethnic cooking my hall happens to smell of.

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Part of me really wants to know what the hell kind of food smells like my hallway… and how often it had to be cooked in order to establish itself as a permanent fixture there.

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I have come to the realization that my CD collection is sadly outdated… This is troublesome when one considers the sheer number of CDs in my collection. This is not to imply that they are worthless, not listened to, or not any good… a great many of my CDs are timeless, and most of them still get semi-occasional play. But there is certainly a notable gap since the last time I actually bought “current music.” *

(*Upon re-reading that paragraph, I have decided that this gap might be due in large part to the fact that I find most of the current music to be intolerable… Because I am officially an old fogey now.)

This becomes especially troublesome when coupled with the fact that my computer crashed since my move, and I lost many of my favorite music files… This makes the gap between my CD collection and current music that much worse, and more obvious.

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On the topic of music, I think it’s important to make this statement; I think that the truly good musician/singer/songwriters of today are the great poets of our day… whether we might not choose to recognize it, but the true poetic talents of our time are finding out that the money isn’t in writing a book of poetry that no one will read, but rather, writing a hit song that bitches will play incessantly at the clubs and radio stations… think about it. You know I’m right!

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Why do we have those eye goober things when we wake up in the morning? Why do we only get them when we sleep, and not when we’re awake? What are we doing in our sleep that causes our eyes to produce those things?

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To be clear, I understand how people can become alcoholics… I do not understand how people become habitual smokers. Think about this… The first time you puff on a cigarette your pink virgin lungs reject that notion with everything they can muster! I know a few people who have even vomited upon their first smoke. So why then do people go back to it? At least with alcohol you get a little bit of a pleasurable sensation before you throw up (if you throw up).

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Veggie Tales, while highly amusing, perplexes me. I want to meet and try to understand the mental workings of the people who decided that they would create a line of kids videos and related merchandize centered on a collection of fruits and vegetables hopping about preaching biblical messages…

Perhaps it was thought of by someone who wanted to ensure that the children of America were not only getting nutritional fiber, but a little moral fiber as well… ya think?

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Last night as I slept, the cover on my air conditioning unit fell off and conked me on the head… this was not a pleasant experience. Funny thing of it is, I don’t remember the actual hit, I remember waking up to my own yelp and intense skull pain.

I just think it’s funny when anyone makes a noise that wakes them up.

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I know I mentioned this a while ago, but I feel the need to reiterate the fact that I still have some kind of weird fascination with David Bowie.

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Quotes are hard to come by these days… bitches don’t call the way they used to, and since I am not working at the moment, I have no funny coworkers to quote. This sucks, because y’all used to be some funny bitches!

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Moral dilemma, Chi Chi, brought over a fresh bottle of Bacardi O and a 4 pack of down-home punch… After her evening of vomiting all over God’s creation, she left it here. She has not called or come back to reclaim it.

What’s a girl to do?

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Lately, I’ve been thinking rather intensely about my life as a movie… I’m not even in the early stages of writing a book, but I’ve still got some kind of perverse fascination with casting the whole film.

Under ideal circumstances, if budget, age, and time were not an issue, and not paying any attention to how the family would actually look genetically, here’s who I’ve got cast so far:

Me: Not yet cast… still taking applications for this role.
My Mom: Kathy Bates
My Dad: Michael Douglas
My brother: Kevin Bacon or Matt Damon… depends on how the role is written I think.
My younger half-sister: Hayden Panettiere, The little girl from “Remember the Titans” (I think she can handle being both obnoxious and occasionally sweet.)
My Step-mom: Glenn Close or Kathleen Turner.
My Step sister, Kim: Not yet cast. We’ve gotta get someone who can at least act VERY smart and brilliantly funny for this role… Smart AND funny is hard to come by in Hollywood.
My Step-sister, Becky: Also not yet cast… We gotta find another real talent here… someone who can be funny, warm, and appealing, and yet if need be, subtly terrifying. Right now, I’m thinking Rose McGowan or Sarah Michelle Gellar but that could change.

Maternal Grandparents: Sean Connery and Maggie Smith
Paternal Grandparents: Ellen Burstyn and Tom Skerrit.

Those are the immediate family roles… Other interesting supporting characters: ***Remember; time, age, genetic appearance and budget are not issues***

Aunt Monica: Megan Mullaly. (Type-casting… SOOO dead-on accurate though!)
Cousins Zach and Sarah: Impossible to correctly cast, as there are no well-known albinos in Hollywood. (Zach might possibly be played by Jon Heder, best known as Napoleon Dynamite from film of same name.)
Lou: Meat Loaf. (Mom, you know I’m right about this!)
Michael K: Not cast… Michael K is quite the character, he might have to play himself.
C-Murda: Who in Hollywood has obnoxiously cute freckles? …We’d have to teach them to text message REALLY REALLY fast before contracts were signed.
Doris: Nicole Kidman, because I know she would want it that way!
Alana: Angelina Jolie can pull off the blonde and the black hair… I think she’s got the acting chops, as well as the right amount of crazy to make that work.
Ben: Topher Grace… or Robert Carlyle, the guy who played Begbie in Trainspotting, depending on how the writing shapes the character.
Nate: Someone with that all-American boy appeal… like a young Chris O’Donnell.
Mendez: Find the funniest, cutest, tiniest, skinniest, Mexican girl with great big eyes that you can. The writing should take care of the rest.
MelJoy: possibly Kate Hudson… I need someone who can pull off cute, sweet quirky thing as well as the Dutch look.
J-Dub: Someone TINY who looks like they could be half Asian, and who is capable of playing a totally endearing, lovable train wreck... suggestions?
Pat Schultz: Would either have to play himself, or be ok with Bob Saget… (No offense Pat.)
Leo: Mark Ruffalo.
Jennie V: Brittany Murphy.

If I knew any truly crazy men, I’d have to cast Tom Cruise… lord knows that bitch won’t even have to act to come off as crazy… and since his career is headed down the toilet, I’m pretty sure he’ll be available when shooting for my movie starts.

Any other ideas for casting, please let me know! (If you appear on this cast list and have a problem with your casting, please let me know… and be prepared to offer suggestions as to the replacement.)

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I think I’ve bored you enough for now, haven’t I?

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What do Paris Hilton and Liz have in common?

Paris Hilton lives a lavish socialite lifestyle, full of cat-fights, sex tapes, 4 million dollar necklaces, parties (though she says she'd like to give up the party-girl life), and cocaine...

Liz lives in a studio apartment, just got a bartending education, owes several thousand in educational debts, is unemployed, and and is not looking to get out of the party-girl life.

So it would seem that Paris Hilton and Liz have very little in common.

That's a fair statement.

But there is one thing we do have in common. We both have at least one pair of big, white, Chanel sunglasses.

Yeah, I acquired them on my Friday night out at the bar (as you might have already read) and today I went down to Chanel to see if they were real... and they are.

So once again, alcohol was involved, and Liz wins at life!! HUZZAH!

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In other areas of life, the job search has begun!

Upon graduation from bartending school I immediately applied for two jobs... I haven't heard back from either of them.

I have also been very busy tracking down leads for a bartending gig... it's a crazy business!

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So that's really the long and short of it all.

You kids behave yourselves, and we'll chat soon! Take care now! Bye bye then!

With a bar tender's eye...

So, to celebrate my graduation from bar tending school, we went out to the bars to drink, and to celebrate... little did we know that bitches would get shit VERY VERY WRONG.

A standard vodka gimlet should consist of an ounce of vodka and a half ounce of lime juice in a rocks glass with a lime garnish... Chi chi ordered a gimlet and we got a highball glass, with a three-count (short pour) of vodka and some lime, with no garnish. That's wrong.

I ordered a L.I.T. (Long Island Iced Tea) and I got short poured, and something was not added, (I'm guessing triple sec...) I was not happy with my beverage, but I didn't send it back...

Chi chi's second drink was a "Lynchburg Lemonade" which consists of little more than Jack Daniels, triple sec, sour mix, and lemon-lime soda... but instead she got sloe gin and a bit of jack, with a fill of plain soda water... NOT RIGHT!!!

Given all of this, it's really no wonder that Chi chi felt bad... (and eventually threw up on herself!)

I was sober and driving, and I had no warning whatsoever!!! She just yakked (all over herself and her car), so I pulled over and let her yak as much as was necessary... and once she assured me she was ok I kept going and she yakked (SP?) again!!!! DAMN!!! I know bitches who puke, but WOW this was incredible!!!

By the end of the night there were three instances of vomitting, (none of which involved me!) and entirely too many poorly mixed drinks! ~ Leave it to someone with a bartender's eye to notice this shit and know why!!!

I also managed to acquire a pair of Chanel sunglasses! (ask later... because I'm so hot!)

Pre yakking pictures to come!!

Just to clarify...

The "Are-you-white-trash" thing that has been a topic of semi-recent discussion has seemingly fallen by the wayside. However, while I was bumbling about, looking for entertainment on the web, I found a quiz site that offers a "White trash test." by their measure I am not at all white trash, at only 11%. You can all take the test as well and let me know where you place!!!

I am 11% White Trash.

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom

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Oh, and I passed my bartending written test with a 98.

Say it with me kids:

"WHEN ALCOHOL IS INVOLVED, LIZ WINS!"

These are my Alabama pictures, followed by my bartending school pictures.... This is a pic of Parker and Eric, two boys who are nothing but trouble!

Nicholas is getting ready for bed in his Big Shark PJs

Parker has that look in his eyes! LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE!

Parker, Nicholas, and Brandon all quietly watch a movie.

My cousin Kara and her son, Parker

Reading with Mimi, (Take 1)

The boys reading with Mimi (my Aunt Pam)

Frank and his hurricane-proof shirt!

Nicholas is reading a story.

Parker enjoying his chocolate cake!

Brandon and Parker having a little fun!

Super Nick!

The boys watching TV. (They are so good!)

I occasionally post degrading pictures of myself... this is one of those times. (That's a mooshi pillow on my head.)

Anthony does such a good job as instructor!

Bridget and Chi Chi practice pouring drinks

Chi Chi and Bridget review for the written test

The graduates; Jesse, Chi Chi, Liz, Bridget, and Marc

Bar tending bitches! (Chi Chi, Bridget, Anthony, and Liz)

Status of things...

Yesterday was my speed drill for bartending school. We had to make a specific order of 17 drinks in under 8 minutes. I made my 17 drinks in 7 minutes and 6 seconds. I am SO HOT!

Today (In about 2 hours) is my written test. I only have to get an 80% and that will not be a problem! Why? Say it with me now: "Because when alcohol is involved, I rock at life!"

I rather mysteriously have internet right now in my apartment... I woke up to it! (What a delightful surprise!) and hopefully it will stay that way, though I sincerely doubt it!

Ok, well that was your quick status update, now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for class!

Be good, my little chickadees!

Things I learned at bar tending school.

• I have more personality in my little finger than a lot of people have in their entire bodies.
• For some inexplicable reason, red food coloring makes jugs of water smell rancid… but this only applies to red.
• Brown food coloring makes pour tops look like they have herpes.
• When alcohol is involved, I rock at life.
• I love gay men.
• Gay men love me.
• When mixing drinks and you are using water in the place of cola, your drink will likely not be the right color.
• Some people think it’s ok to make a vodka tonic with Jack Daniels. (Those people are idiots.)
• Oh yeah, and I also learned how to make some drinks...

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Yeah, I LOVE bartending school! (And I'm not trying to "toot my own horn" or anything, but I'm frickin' GOOD at it!)

My instructor is a HOT gay man named Anthony. (If he were straight, I would marry him and bear his children, or I'd at least molest him on a weekend... but alas that is not the case.) (Michael, you would LOVE him!)

As far as mixing drinks goes, I am probably the quickest (at least top two) and as far as accuracy goes, I am pretty damn close to being tops on that as well. (I had one cosmo turn out more orange than pink, and I forgot to add soda water to a Tom Collins today, but aside from that I'm GOLDEN!)

There are a few hopeless cases in my class... I kinda feel sorry for them because they definitely paid a lot of money to take a class that they suck at... and it's really hard to have fun doing something when you suck at it as badly as they do. I've tried to help a couple of these people, but it's really hard to help someone when they think there's tequila in in a Grey Goose gibson. (I mean really, there's only so much I can do for you when you don't know what kind of liquor is in the drink you're supposed to make.)

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In case you can't tell, I (heart) bartending school!

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I keep forgetting my camera, so I can't post my alabama pictures just yet, but I promise I'll get to them VERY SOON!

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Here are your quotes:

QOTD

Kirsten:"Ok, serious question: Would you be willing to trade your life for the existence of unicorns on earth?"
Liz: "If I were 8, the answer would've been yes, but now, I'd have to give it some thought."
Kirsten: Yeah, it has a lot to do with how in touch you are with your inner child, and how depressing your life is... On a Tuesday or a Thursday, I would say YES!"

"I come up with all of these really cracked out questions when I'm all viked up... I come home of an evening and spend 6 hours essentially alone, so I occasionally take a vike or two and sit around thinking shit up to pass the time." ~Kirsten

"My doctor doesn't know shit from apple butter! I'm pretty much convinced that I could go on WebMD and do a better job with my medical care" ~Kirsten

Cut off...

Yeah, I have been cut off. (Michael get your head outta the gutter, NOBODY cuts me off like that! ...Though my selectivity has essentially meant that I am, in essence, cutting myself off all the time.)

No the reality of the matter is that the bitches at Cingular / AT&T turned off my phone for some reason... BITCHES. Actually I think I know the reason. I have not updated my address since I moved, so I have a feeling that my last bill was returned to them and they think I've vanished off the face of the earth... I know I paid my bill, so I know that's not the problem. What a buncha hoochies! So I called them to get things straightened out, and they said that I should have service again within the next 24 hours... in the meantime, if you're trying to get in touch with me, you are going to be shit outta luck, because my phone was my only link to the world outside my apartment.

This disconnection came at a particularly unfortunate time, which ensured that I missed a beach weekend with Meljoy... (I'm sorry Mel, I didn't see this one coming! You know I wanted to go out and hit the beach with you!)

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As for everything else, here's the skinny.

Bartending classes start on Monday. They go on for a week, and once I have learned all I need to know those bitches will help me find a job. Having a steady gig as a bartender will likely mean that I will have the cash flow to finance internet access in my apartment. That means I will no longer be at the mercy of the bitches at my neighborhood Borders or Starbucks. This also means that you can look forward to much more frequent /regular posting from me. And I think it's a safe bet that a bartender job will bring you the kinds of stories that you have all come to know and love about this site.

=

My faith in boys has been renewed! Yes, you read that right. My faith in boys has been renewed! Here's the story:

When I boarded the train home from midway (on my return from E-Vegas) I figured that being on a train after midnight would be nothing more than a ride home for much less than the cost of a cab... I was wrong! It was an eye-opening experience in the realm of wonderful boys! Or at least one wonderful boy.

When I reached my stop, several passengers, including a pretty cute guy and I got off the train. It was at this point that I realized that there was something wrong with my luggage. The pull-out handle was broken... it wouldn't pull out. So I was trying to steer my luggage at a very awkward angle, and the afforementioned cute boy asked how far I was going. I told him that I was only going a block, so I could manage, and I thanked him for his concern. Apparently he thought I needed the assistance anyway, because he offered to carry it home for me. I assured him that I would be ok, at which point he offered to hail a cab for me. I told him once again that it was only a block and that I would manage. He then decided that he wouldn't hear of it, picked up my 50lb bag and walked it the entire block to the front door of my building. VERY SWEET.

While he carried my bag, we talked briefly, and I found out that his name was Richard Bailey, he was originally from Dallas TX, and that he will be shipped out to Iraq sometime next month.

When we got to the front door of my building I thanked him a few times, and told him that I wished I had something more than my thanks to offer him, and he asked me to pray for him while he was overseas. I told him I would. I offered him a drink but he declined and told me that he had to be up at 5 to report to wherever for something or other. I thanked him again and wished him the best of luck, at which point he just asked again that I pray for him.

And I will.

I encourage all of you to do the same... Pray for this boy, and for all the polite chivalrous boys who have been shipped out. (The assholes can be shot in the caboose for all I care, but nice boys like that deserve to come back unscathed!)

And when I told Meljoy this story she said "And you let him leave? LIZ! I hope that boy had a ring on his finger if you let him go that easily!"

He did.

Believe me, I wouldn't have let a boy with such incredible manners and the most astonishing display of chivalry I've seen in MANY years go if he didn't already belong to someone else! (She's a very lucky bitch!)

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Pictures from my Alabama trip will be up soon... I forgot to bring my memory card with the pics on it!

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* Being cut off from the world has allowed me to find more time to paint... just in case you were wondering what the hell I've been doing with myself since I can't talk to anyone on the phone to make plans to go out. (It's been kinda nice actually.)

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I've also found that since my graduation from college, now that I no longer have to read anything, that I read anything I can get my hands on. I've re-read quite a few old favorites, as well as some new books. So if you decide that you want to give me a late graduation present, and you think paying my rent for the month of August is a smidge on the extravagant side, then by all means, books are a wonderful idea! (Gift certificates for books or movies or an Ipod would also work as well.)

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FYI - Just so you all don't get upset, I discovered this morning that I have the start of an ear infection, so if you do talk to me in the next couple of days and I seem a little grumpy, odds are pretty good it's not anything you did!

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QOTD -

"Liz! I saw a shirt and instantly thought of you! It said 'I'm MAD'!" ~Meljoy

"You're going to play checkers with me whether you like it or not! I'll even let you pick which color you wanna be... even though I assume you will want to be black, because we all know you're part black!" ~ Dez

An open apology letter to my few fans.

Dear kids,

I hope you have all been behaving while I was gone. I would like to thank those of you who left messages with my secretary (AKA my voicemail) in my absence.

I suppose I forgot to mention to some of you why I was gone, where I went, and how long I intended to be away. So here's the basic scoop.

As you all know my grandmother (no, not the one who just fell and broke her hip... This is the other one.) was recently diagnosed with a rapid-growing form of cancer. Yes, cancer happens, and yes it's unfortunate, but the fact is that developing this kind of aggressive cancer at 81 years old all of a sudden took us by surprise, and we now take each day as a little miracle. She had major surgery to remove the vast majority of the cancer and several organs, just before I left Chicago, and now she's busy with her recovery... All things considered she's doing quite well. So I have paid her a couple of hospital visits, kissed her on the forehead, told her I love her, and kinda figured it's not really in my hands. (She's a tough ol' bird though, and I don't think she's going anywhere without a bit of a fight.)

So after the hospital visits, mom, and Aunt Pam decided they needed a few days away from the medical drama, so we went to Alabama as originally planned. (I've been needing to recover my southern accent, and what better way to do that, than to go to the deep South?) So I spent a few days visiting the southern-most branch of my family tree. (Yes, I suppose that my Aunt Monica is technically further south, but I kinda disavow general awareness of that branch of the family tree...)

So those days in the South were filled with small children running about, (pictures to come shortly,) lots of eating, a little bit of drinking, some sunshine, some hurricane-force winds, lots of laughter, (mostly at the expense of my cousin Frank,) and the locating of a new job prospect.

Yes, that's right, I think I've figured out what to do with myself... But more on that in a minute.

So we got back to E-Vegas today, and after having a happy hour drink with my big brother tomorrow, I will be back on my way to the windy city, and back to some semi-regular posting for you kiddies. (Feel free to cheer and applaud at this point)

So, as for the new job... During my visit to Birmingham, I was introduced to Frank's friend Gino. Gino is the owner/operator of several bartenders schools throughout the contiguous 48 states, and a couple of them just so happen to be in Chicago, and upon program completion they are often willing to help you find a job in your new-found profession ... So as luck would have it, I am currently pursuing and education and employment in the ever-so-popular field of bartending... I figure I go to bars often enough, I might as well be paid to be there. (And if I can find a job in a bar that will be airing the second half of the baseball season then I'll be in tip-top shape!)


So, my apologies for leaving you all the way I did. (I know I usually prepare you for this sort of hiatus.)

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Nenny( my dearest beaner /little sister) sent me this little ditty (link).... Some of you might think it's funny, and some of you might not... but no matter what you think, I thought it was worth sharing. P.S. - If what you see offends you, don't get mad at me, get mad at the guy in L.A.

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Here are some quotes!

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QOTD

"Well, I would tell him no, and he would go and take off his belt... I didn't mind though... He could never catch me, he was crippled." ~Frank talking about his grandfather.

"Nicholas, don't jump and climb on the couch like that! ... Well, fine. Go ahead, jump, and then you'll land on your head, snap your neck, and it'll serve you right." ~Kimberly, to her 3 yr old son Nicholas.

"Well my uncle Paul used to babysit us... And one night he let us come and smoke ["reefer"] with him... Well, mom came home, and found us all crashed out at like 7 PM and got mad... Uncle Paul didn't babysit very much after that." ~Frank

"We can't go to the beach now... The beach is BROKEN!" ~ 3 yr old Parker referring to the planned beach vacation being put off because of the hurricane.

Computer crashes make me furious, ...even weeks later.

So I'm looking for a real job now. (Anybody got any openings for a job that won't make me suicidal, homicidal, and will still pay my bills?) And generally when one is searching for jobs, it is handy to have a resume... and I just realized that as a result of my recent computer crash, I no longer have one. THAT'S CRAP. So I have to re-assemble my resume, and continue my job search.

I'm kinda bitter... Just thought I'd let you know.

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As for the holiday weekend, it was a delightful couple of days spent out at the Stephansen family home in Schaumburg.

There was lots of laughter, food, games, dancing, and generalized fun. All in all, an awesome trip to the burbs for the weekend.

(Pictures below)

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I also saw War of the Worlds over the holiday, and here's a word to the wise; SAVE YOUR MONEY.


I'm not kidding, I sat through this atrocity and thought to myself,

• "Well the effects are good."
• "No way. THAT'S BULLSHIT."
• "Damn! Tom Cruise and his family must be the luckiest SOBs EVER.... There's no way they all made it outta there!"
• "Oh that's really funny! (In a really inapropriate way...) I probably shouldn't be laughing at that, but I can't help it."
• "Ok, enough with the family values ... we get it."
• "Wow, Tom Cruise is holding onto Dakota Fanning with such fervor! He must've only settled for 'Dating' Katie Holmes because Dakota turned down the job!"

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QOTD

"We don't want family values! We want killing, carnage, and lots of aliens!" ~Jeff

I was greeted at the train station with chauffer service, complete with a sign to make sure they picked up the right Lizzle!

Ben and Donna... If you know these two, you know this hug is a big deal.

Roxie's so sweet!