Friday, July 29, 2005

Worth a gander...

You kids all know that when I am not involved in my own ridiculous and generally amusing life, I spend my time seeking out the amusing stories of others for your enjoyment...

Please note that I didn't write anything below that funny line, (aside from the caption that notes the separation of posts), but rather, I tracked it down and posted it here for your amusement.

Thank you, have a good one!


Title: I might be dying.

Now that we have the Cub, I've decided to be a responsible adult and increase my life insurance coverage so that if I die she won't have to smuggle illegal aliens across the border to pay for college.

I called our life insurance agent and because of my age and health history, he quoted some really reasonable rates. I applied for a new policy.

He called me back recently.

"You didn't cancel your existing policy, did you?"

This wasn't a good sign.

"No, why?"

"You know those rates that I quoted you?"


"Well, we're going to have to multiply those by about ten to give you the coverage that you want."

At first, I thought he was joking.


"Well, you had an EEG back in 2000, right?"

"Right. What about it?"

"Because of that test, the company has rated you as a high risk."

I almost forgot about that test. I had an EEG after my doctor detected a heart murmur. I have a leak in my heart's mitral valve, but my doctor said that it was no big deal. All he said that I needed to do was take an antibiotic before I get any dental work done. Plaque can get in the bloodstream and grow in the heart in people with this condition, which can lead to death. But that was it. The doctor didn't recommend any lifestyle changes or otherwise advise me that I probably shouldn't consume a tub of margarine in one sitting anymore.

But because of this insurance issue, I wonder if there isn't something seriously wrong with me (healthwise that is, smartass). Here's a list of people who apparently can buy life insurance at a cheaper rate than me:

Meth addicts
Osama Bin Laden
Gary Busey

For the first time in my life, I'm confronting the fact that I'm going to die one day. Before I had the Cub, I really didn't care about dying one way or the other. It doesn't mean that I've ever wanted to die, but if someone had told me that I was going to die the next day, I probably wouldn't have been too upset by it.

People would get worried when I said stuff like that. They'd ask, "You're young. Aren't there a lot of things you want to do before you die?" I'd say, "If I was going to die, why would I care about things that I didn't do?" I'm a procrastinator. Dying is the ultimate validation of procrastination. Instead of regretting that I never climbed K2, I'll be on my death bed thinking "Man, I'm glad I waited to do my taxes."

I've had my fair share of brushes with death. I've been in a multiple car pileup in an ice storm where a Dodge Stealth ended up perched on my hood about six inches from my windshield. I was hit by a bulldozer while driving a Saturn. I was in a turbo prop plane that got caught in Tropical Storm Allison in 2001 and almost crashed in the landing. When the plane came to a stop, the passengers gave the pilot a standing ovation. But all the time we were making our descent, I was thinking, "this is really interesting." I've always figured that nothing would ever happen to me because I'm destined for greatness.

I've never had any serious health problems. I once went over five years without even catching a cold. And despite that I've lived on a diet consisting solely of food that can be found in airports, I've always had low cholesterol. I've never worried about illness until now.

But now I'm taking death seriously. I want to stick around for as long as possible for the Cub. It freaks me out that if something happened to me now, she wouldn't be able to remember me. And so far, I've only taught her the first two Rules of Fight Club.

I guess I'm going to have to follow up with the doctor. I can't remember which doctor I had at the time of the EEG. I once had a doctor that would prescribe me just about any drug if I pretended to have the right symptoms. Nothing serious like Vicodin or Oxycontin, but if I needed Zirtec for my allergies, for example, I wouldn't even have to come in his office. I'm convinced that if I insisted, he would've prescribed me birth control pills.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted after I go back to the doctor.

That is if I don't die before then.

[Next Post]

Title: In case you thought I was making it up

Following up on yesterday's post, I got this letter in the mail today from my friendly neighborhood life insurance carrier. Where appropriate, I have supplied an Insurance Lingo to English translation:

Dear D,

Thank you for your application to increase the amount of your term insurance coverage. We appreciate the confidence you have shown in our company. This is our stock BS introduction before we lower the boom on your sickly ass.

We regret to inform you that we are unable to approve your applicaton at the same premium rate as your original policy. We didn't know at the time of your application that your life expectancy is about 27 minutes. Please be assured the coverage on your original policy will remain in force and unchanged. Our lawyers say we have no choice. But if you so much as forget to put a stamp on a single premium payment, we'll drop you like a dress on prom night.

However, we are able to issue the additional amount applied for as a new policy. If we get enough premium, we'd insure Robert Downey, Jr. on an Amsterdam vacation. The new policy is being issued at a different risk classificaton because of the results of your January 17, 2000 echocardiogram, as received in the medical records from Dr. [Everythingsgonnabealright]. You're now in the pool with ebola victims.

We also carefully reviewed the additional benefit you requested and regret that we are unable to provide the Premium Waiver Benefit. Sucks to be you.

Please remember that we may view your medical information differently than your doctor. After all, who knows more about your health -- a physician or an accountant? Although your case was reviewed individually, we also need to consider our experience with groups of people who have a similar health profile. One man spontaneously burst into flames shortly after climbing a single flight of stairs. While your doctor is able to meet with you on a regular basis, our decision is based on information available to us at a present time. We have seen just enough information to be freaked out.

At your request, we would be willing to review your policy again after your first policy anniversary to see if we can lower your premium. During the next year, may we suggest sit-ups? At that time, we will review your medical history and determine if we need additional information. If you're still alive. You may contact your Financial Representative for assistance with the reconsideration process. He has no control over our decisions but we hope you'll be distracted by his really excellently blow dried hair.

We value your business and look forward to providing you with excellent service. Which consists solely of processing your premium payments.


Anonymous Underwriter

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