That's what I'm talking about, sluts!

Sorry about my bullshit day. I'm not crazy. (...depending on who you ask.)

We can be friends again, just like Bert and Ernie here!

Ok, so yeah, I went a little nuts up on my soapbox about the banned book thing... sorry that shit bothers me. The comments that resulted, bloody brilliant!

Ok, so I've learned in cases where I am going to be preachy, I need to be brief. I've learned that talk of banned books is not what people come here for, that J-Dub thinks I should skip the spellcheck when I drink, I learned that Michael K had a bullshit day too, and I've learned that Markus can't really read so well, so we need more pictures.

All this just from your comments! THANK YOU! You are all some hot bitches!

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At present my apartment smells like "Linen Breeze" Lysol and bleach.

"Why?" you ask.

Well, my dear, sweet, sainted mother is coming up from the town where I grew up (which has since spat me out like a bad piece of meat,) to visit me in the city I now call home (which has embraced me for all of my faults without question... Now if only I can get a man to do that.)

Ordinarily I wouldn't be big on cleaning everything before mom's arrival, but this is the first time she's actually visiting me, since I moved into an apartment all by my lonesome. (Which is to say, this is the first time she will be seeing what happens when I am left to my own devices.) Thus a little extra cleaning seemed warranted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in utter squalor the rest of the time, or anything, but for those of you who have ever had the joy of living totally alone, you understand me when I say that clothes don't always make it to the hamper right away, and dishes are either done one at a time immediately after use, or when the sink gets full. (I prefer the one at a time method, myself.)

So anyway, the apartment is SPOTLESS, the dishes are all put away, and I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of one of God's most perfect creatures. Momma.

As such, don't be shocked if posting drops off over the weekend (not that any of you bitches ever come here on the weekends anyway, but still,) because I will be hanging out with my mom!

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It should also be noted that October 2 (this weekend) is Krystian's Birthday, (for long-term readers, you will recall that Krystian is one of my favorite people in the world, and an All-American calibre volleyball player.) He will be spending his birthday in Spain, because he is hot like that, and we miss him terribly!

Come home soon KK!

We love you and miss you.

Happy almost birthday!

(He is such a hot bitch!)

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As for me, I have been too busy cleaning, drinking wine, and watching Sex and the City on DVD to have done much else that is productive. So I have little else to tell you.

Though the odds are likely that will all change, because there is a chance that this weekend momma will get to meet Anthony before he leaves me for a month.

The first encounter between these two will be a noteworthy occasion!

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QOTD

(It was a chilly day, but it was truly perfect autumn weather, and Caro was still wearing a summer-y shirt)
Liz: "God, it's gorgeous out this evening!"
Anthony: "It's PERFECT out!"
Caro: "I think it's a little chilly!"
Liz: "Well, of course you think it's chilly, you're wearing a gauzy, summery shirt!"
Caro: "Well I think it should still be warm! I want it to be warm!"
Anthony: "Caro, my little southern belle, we've been through this..."
(Anthony picks up a fallen leaf, raises it to head level and drops it)
Anthony: "You see? ... FALL."

What a bullshit day!

I had such a bullshit day.

First off, you bitches didn't respond at all to my post about banned books. My mom is the only other commenter.

Secondly, it rained all fucking day and I sat around doing nothing until the evening when I had to leave IN THE RAIN to go to a bullshit meeting.

The meeting (which I was told I HAD to go to) was a total letdown, (And not everyone even attended) and I found out that the salon is probably not opening for another week or so... which is all also bullshit.

So when I got home, I poured myself a HUGE glass of wine, heated up some chicken fried rice, and popped in a "Sex and the City" DVD and whiled away the hours...

Several hours, 9 episodes of SATC, and 4 or 5 REALLY BIG glasses of wine later, here I sit... ranting about my bullshit!

Welcome to my world.

I have nothing constructive to add, other than to say that if it weren't for spell check, it would be much more evident that I was intoxicated when I typed this up for you fine people.

So there you have it.

It's amazing what you trip over when you're not looking for anything in particular...

While wasting a few minutes on the internet I saw an article title that intrigued me. It read "The Top Ten Banned Books" ... Naturally I wanted to know when I moved to Nazi Germany.

Seriously, when did we start banning books again? Has this been going on all along? REALLY? If so, I was not aware of it... Which was evident when I began reading the list. I've read AND ENJOYED 6 of the top ten. Several of the featured titles REALLY shocked me... Here is the list of books, authors, and reasons the books are frequently banned by assorted schools and organizations IN THE USA! (When they say "challenged" they mean people demand that they be banned.)

The books, in order of most frequently challenged, are:
1. "The Chocolate War" by Robert Cormier for sexual content, offensive language, religious viewpoint, being unsuited to age group and violence.
2. "Fallen Angels" by Walter Dean Myers, for racism, offensive language and violence.
3. "Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture" by Michael A. Bellesiles, for inaccuracy and political viewpoint.
4. "Captain Underpants" series by Dav Pilkey, for offensive language and modeling bad behavior.
5. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, for homosexuality, sexual content and offensive language.
6. "What My Mother Doesn't Know" by Sonya Sones, for sexual content and offensive language.
7. "In the Night Kitchen" by Maurice Sendak, for nudity and offensive language.
8. "King & King" by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland, for homosexuality.
9. "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou, for racism, homosexuality, sexual content, offensive language and unsuited to age group.
10. "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck, for racism, offensive language and violence.

The top 10 "challenged" authors from 1990 to 2004 are (in order): Alvin Schwartz, Judy Blume, Robert Cormier, J.K. Rowling, Michael Willhoite, Katherine Paterson, Stephen King, Maya Angelou, R.L. Stine and John Steinbeck.


Is anyone else absolutely appalled by this? Angelou and Steinbeck CLASSICS on a banned list? REALLY? Who are these people? Where do they live? And why on earth would anyone want to ban these books?

What is worse is that being as riled up as I was about this list, I found a thread of comments discussing it. The first book that came under fire which didn't appear on the list was Lois Lowry's "The Giver." I had to read this book in 6th grade for Mrs Wright's Literature class, and I can honestly say that even now it's one of my favorite books. The person who found this book offensive noted that there were certain aspects that she thought were inappropriate for her 6th grader. (If you've read the book you're going to understand this with a little more insight, whereas if you haven't you might be a little lost for a minute...) She was offended that a young girl should bathe an old man. (*It should be noted that bathing and caring for the old was what this girl was good at, and so caring for the old was her job in the society, and thus she was learning how to do it properly.) She was also offended that there were themes of celebrating euthanasia of the elderly, and suppression of sexual urges in young people. (*I'm guessing that this woman only read the parts that some other mother said were offensive, rather than reading the whole book, because if she had taken the time to read the whole book, she would know that both of those things are meant to make the reader think...) The reader is presented with this supposed idyllic, utopian society, and yet they have these certain things that we don't morally agree with by our present society's standards. So the reader can accept that the morality of different societies are more or less accepting of certain things, or you can learn to make your own moral judgment on the matter and form your own opinion on the moral issue. Personally I don't think that a child in the 6th grade is too young to begin forming their own morals and moral opinions on important issues which do, in reality, exist in their world.

These poor kids are entering their adolescence, which are arguably some of the most important formative years of their lives, during which time they will be expected to start figuring out who they are and what they want for themselves, and yet we don't want them to read a book about a futuristic society that doesn't even exist so that they can get a little morality in the deeper meaning? A BOOK?

So what would this woman have them read instead? I don't know, she didn't leave any suggestions for a replacement, suffice it to say she wasn't happy with this choice in the curriculum.

I'm appalled that people are trying to shield other people, be it child or adult, from a book of any sort. And the reasoning for the banning of the books on the list? Homosexuality? Bad language? Violence? Religious viewpoint? Inaccuracy? Sex? Politics? Racism?

Are these people trying to pretend like these problems don't exist? These are things that we all see EVERY DAY.

HAVE THESE PEOPLE EVER WATCHED THE EVENING NEWS??

Seriously...

Ok, I'm going to do this rationally. I'm going to go through and address each one of these "issues" one at a time.

1. Homosexuality - Ok, granted, I'm very comfortable with homosexual people, and I know a lot of people aren't, but I have to ask, WHY? They are PEOPLE. They are human beings who have feelings, and wants, and needs just like anyone else. They are wonderful individuals who contribute to society. They are just like anyone else... The only difference between the straight soccer mom advocating banning a book and the lesbian soccer mom who just wants her kid to be able to live a life where that kid can be whoever it wants to be is the gender of the person they are intimate with. They aren't asking you to watch. They aren't asking you to participate. They are only asking that you accept them for being the human being that they are. It is their choice to love whomever they deem worthy of their affection, and it's a valid choice, whether you like it or not. Homosexuality is a reality people. Conservative estimates show that at least 10% of the population is homosexual. It's a part of your reality whether you like it or not, so you might as well get used to it.
   
2. Bad language - This one really amuses me. Bad language? Really? I'll tell you something. I never learned a curse word from reading it in a book, and you know why that is? Because I'd already heard my dad use about a dozen "bad words" a day since my birth. (I think that rate has steadily increased over the years... But we won't get into that.) The fact is that so-called "bad words" are on every TV show, and street corner you come across these days. And what exactly is so bad about these words? THEY ARE WORDS. Words are not inherently subversive or wrong unless you teach your child that they are wrong. What you teach your child is your own business, but I guarantee you, if you're not the one exposing them to these things, little Andrew Miller down the street will do it for you, and I can promise his version won't be to your liking.
   
3. Violence - This one is just ridiculous. In an age where parents are afraid to send their children off to school because some child in their class might have an AK-47 in their backpack, we're afraid to expose little Sally to violence in text? Seriously people, there are massacres, wars, shootings, hostage situations, international terrorism, DOMESTIC terrorism, bombings, stabbings, hate crimes, drive-by shootings, rapes, muggings, beatings, murders, and other assorted violence reported EVERY SINGLE NIGHT on the local news. It is literally inescapable. Every society on the face of this earth has some violent aspect... And it just so happens that we live in a particularly violent and hostile one. I'm not suggesting that you go out and track down clips of beheadings or hangings, or anything of that nature to teach your kid about violence, but do you honestly think that keeping your kid from reading it in a book will keep them safe?
4. Religious viewpoint - Religion is always a touchy subject, and one I often avoid here. I don't want to alienate anyone by getting to preachy about anything, but this one bothers me because banning a book for a religious viewpoint is like saying that the religious viewpoint isn't valid, or doesn't exist. That is ludicrous. When you start teaching your children to ignore other religious viewpoints is when you start teaching religious fanaticism... And that's where we get the kinds of religious intolerance that has spawned the terrorists that we face now. This isn't to say that western religions are any better or worse than the religions elsewhere in the world. They aren't. Nobody's gotten it right yet. Any religion, any faith, when taken to extremes is wrong. Hell, LOOK AT TOM CRUISE! Religion is great, until we use it as a tool to alienate others... And unfortunately too many of us do just that, use our religion to separate and alienate, rather than celebrate and unify.
5. Inaccuracy - Ok, this is an easy one to fix. Your complaining a book is inaccurate, so let your kid read the book, and then give them another book that has contradictory information in it, and let the kid check some facts. They're going to learn sooner or later that not everything they read is true. They are going to learn that people write with other motives and agenda in mind. Let them learn it now, and let them learn how to form an informed opinion.
   
6. Sex - The kids see it every day on TV. And if they're not seeing it on TV at your house, they are seeing it at some other kid's house. It's natural, and it happens. How the hell do you think the kids got here in the first place? THE STORK SURE AS HELL DIDN'T BRING EM. Go ahead and teach them about it. Get into only as much detail as you need, and only as much as is age appropriate. They're going to find out sooner or later anyway... It's better that they learn from you, in a safe environment where they can feel safe and secure about asking the important questions, and learning how to go about things safely.
   
7. Political viewpoint - Oh for the love of Pete! Once again, just like religion, people use politics as a tool to divide people. Teach tolerance. Teach your kids about the bill of rights. Teach your kids that different people are free to believe whatever they choose to believe, and that is one of the things that makes this country so great. The fact that someone else is free to believe in something that you would spend a lifetime opposing is one of the reasons this country became an independent nation to begin with. It's a part of what makes this country great. Teach your kids that.
   
8. Racism - This is another one that I don't get. I fail to see the point in shielding your kid from a topic like racism. Are we pretending like it doesn't exist? Are we pretending that whole civil rights thing never happened? Are we pretending that racism doesn't happen? The fact is that we are not all homogeneous. We are different. We are different colors, and different cultures. And that is beautiful. And it's something that should be respected and revered. Are we still a people who are content to judge others as a second-class citizen because their skin is a different color? To that I just have to ask, what color is your spleen? What color is your liver? What color is your pancreas? What color is your heart? And what does color have to do with it?

I know I've rambled on for quite some time about all of this, but it was something that really got under my skin. It really bothered me that people are willing to ban books because they are too lazy to actually do any parenting for the children they've spawned. Rather than doing any actual parenting they are content to ban books and teach their children that there is only one "right way" rather than teaching tolerance and acceptance of opposition.

Hell my mom was a damn good parent to me... And while I might be an asshole, the only thing that I am intolerant of is ignorance.

You might not agree with any or all of what I've written today, and that's fine with me. I encourage you to articulate your opinon as you see fit. That's why the commenting is open to everyone. I encourage the opinions of others because I am tolerant of other ways of thinking, and other cultural norms... I just ask that you be tolerant of me and mine.




And here I was worried I wouldn't have anything to write about today!

The bitch is leaving me...

This is me loving on Anthony, because he will soon be leaving me for a month. (If you make any cracks about my fluffy hair, I’ll be forced to thrash you.)

Yeah, that queen is going to Europe for a whole month, and leaving me to my own devices... LORD! Don't ask me what I'm going to do while he's gone, because he has rapidly ascended my list of favorite people, and has certainly become one of my primary sources of entertainment.

It's going to be a LONG month, which I will most likely have to spend with MANY large glasses of wine, and DVDs of "Sex and the City."

Not your typical amusing post... rather mere contemplative expounding on my part.

I think this is going to be one of those posts where you get more of a glimpse into the inner workings of my confused little brain rather than the entertainment you usually seek to find here. Consider yourself warned. Here goes...

It's been a weird day. Nothing really happened.

Funny how nothing can happen and that makes it weird.

I expect, with the recent exception of the granny panties post that my readership is once again languishing. I haven't looked at numbers in months, but something tells me that I've found another low point in the writer-reader relationship. If I did this for a living I'd say this would be about the time I found out that my column was no longer selling any papers, so I was being sacked.

Not so surprising really. I've depressed you people for quite some time now, and a few of you have been real troopers about bearing with me. I appreciate that. Those that have moved on to greener pastures and funnier writers, I don't blame them. The internet is supposed to be a place for entertainment. That's why we pay as much for internet service as we do for cable.

No, today was one of those days where I kind of gave a lot of thought to my own state of affairs. I guess this post is kind of my state of the union address, and you are my members of congress.

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, a tremendous group of friends, wonderful family. I have an orchid that I wanted for two years and now I also have a fish. I didn't know anyone who was directly impacted by any of the recent natural disasters. I have my health. I have wine in my fridge. I have friends who are finding success in life and in love. And at the end of all that, I look at what I have, I still feel like I'm on the outside of something I can't explain or define, and I find myself standing alone, looking in.

I have all these things that I should be incredibly grateful for, and I am, but there's a part of me that screams "SOMETHING IS MISSING!" And that little part somehow pulls all of my focus off of the good things that I should be thankful for having.

It's like when you find yourself at the end of a bad relationship, and the other person says all the right things and reminds you of all the good times, but there's still that part of you that remembers why the relationship was ending and reminds you that while all those things that the other person reminds you of were real... sometimes it just isn't enough.

I think a big part of this is that since graduating from college I no longer see all the same people every day. A lot of my best friends have moved to other cities and other states. And while I can call them on the phone, and talk to them until I'm blue in the face, sometimes it isn't enough.

Another part of me thinks it might be the fact that I have a birthday coming up, and once again I don't have someone to share it with... but that's a whole other can of worms, let's not get into that.

Part of me also thinks it's just too much contemplation on the issue of mortality. With so many people I know who have rather suddenly fallen gravely ill, I can't help but wonder why them and not me... and since it's not me, what am I supposed to do with that?

I've been lucky enough to find a few key people who have been supportive and wonderful during these recent months, and for them I am eternally grateful. But then there are times when I find myself looking for support where I know there is none. Places where I KNOW the support has always fallen through.

I find myself going back to the bad habits, and even though I tell myself, "This time it's different," it really never is.

While I find myself in that reflective mood, I also look back at failed friendships.

I look at the people I was friends with in high school, and I realize that I don't talk to any of them anymore. Not a single one. I look at the people I became friends with in college. I talk to a few of them, mostly ones who moved away. But the ones who have remained in town ... we never get together for a drink.

The friends I made at work, those I talk to a bit more frequently, occasionally drink with, but ever since I left the job things are not the same.

I try telling myself that no matter what my situation was, I'd still be unhappy about something... That's human nature. We always want what we can't have. That's why keeping up with the Jones' has become such a thriving pasttime.

But is that really it? Is my problem merely that I want the things I can't have? I can't help but wonder if I had everything I wanted would I still find something amiss? Something to complain about?

I know I shouldn't keep myself up wondering with hypotheticals, but then what?

Wondering about hypothetical situations has become my pasttime. (I'm too poor to keep up with the Jones' these days.) So I while away my hours preparing myself for situations that never come to fruition...

But then again, maybe I'm just hormonal.

You just never know...

Friday was your typical boring day... You know the routine. I slept late, looked for a job, did laundry, went to a volleyball game with Ciara, went to Anthony's, went to a gay bar with Anthony, made out with a gay boy in front of his boyfriend... you know the routine.

The funny thing is, I was talking about my plans for the evening to Mel and Dubs (AKA- LING WONG) at the volleyball game and Dubs said, "You know you're not going to have much luck finding a straight man if you keep going out with the gay ones..."

He might not have been straight, but he was hot, and he was a good kisser, and his boyfriend didn't mind.

I'm strangely ok with that.

I keep saying I love the gay men, and now I can say that they occasionally love me.

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I swear, I have the strangest life... it might not always be interesting to you people, but it keeps me constantly amused.

Another animated gem to love and share...

I haven't happened across much REALLY GOOD animation lately that has been noteworthy, or new enough that bitches haven't seen it yet.

While I was at home, my cousin Mike recommended I track down this little number... and I think it's highly worth the time it takes to load. (I mean really... there are flaming sharks, ninjas, pirates, dinosaurs, and even Pat Sajak... what's not to love?)

How To Kill a Mockingbird

And the geniuses behind that creation also put this bit together. It is amusing, though for the most part I wasn't really feeling it... The music montage at then end is what makes it all worth it though... I nearly wet myself (like Jenny McCarthy and Fergie) when I saw "Captain Burger" dance.

Invention Pioneers of Note

Trust me when I tell you that you will not be disappointed. (Please make sure you've got several minutes to spare because they are lengthy animations... Hopefully you've got an understanding boss who doesn't care that you spend company time looking at this crap!)

Interview Day

Yeah, I had an interview today... Anthony had one too. We called each other after we were both done, and compared notes.

The conclusion of both interviews: Interviewing is BULLSHIT.

I think Anthony's was probably more bullshit than mine, but even mine was chock-full-o-bull.

The establishment that I interviewed at today was a place called Twin Anchors... I'd say it's classier than Louie's without any doubt, but I think that Louie's was likely to be busier. For the most part, the questions were your general run of the mill interview questions. You know the kind... "What characteristics do you posses that would make you a good bartender?" or "Why did you decide to go into bartending?" and "How do you make a martini, a cosmopolitan, and a margarita?" I thought all of those made enough sense, and were appropriate...

But then I got other questions like "What would you do if someone didn't tip you well?" to which I responded, "Assume the person is a bad tipper and not let that ruin my day." Because the fact is that there really isn't shit that you can do... You can't force bitches to part with their money.

And then I got "What would you do if a person was rude to you?" to which I responded "Kill them with kindness, and if that doesn't work, just assume they're having a bad day and stay away from them as much as possible." Once again, there really isn't anything that you can do... You can't force someone to be nice to you. (Shit, if I knew how to do this I'd use it on the men and have my ass a sugar daddy instead of a bartending job!)

These are bullshit questions because you're GOING to have rude people and bad tippers no matter what you do... Those bitches are everywhere.

I would have less of a problem with these questions ordinarily, but the guy clearly stated that the bartenders stay pretty busy, so it's not like I'm going to have a whole lot of time to spend focused on any of that mess anyway. THAT'S why those are bullshit questions.

I'll give the guy credit though, that bitch didn't give anything away. I have no idea whatsoever how he thinks I did in that frickin interview... Reading him was like reading a closed book.

Anthony's interview seemed even worse than mine though.

He was at a bar down in Boystown, and even from his recounting of the interview, it was clear that the guys who were opening this bar didn't know shit about the bar business. These guys were clearly "Business school" types who know how things should work in theory, but who have no clue about actual bar practice. (I get a sneaky feeling that this bar won't be around too terribly long.) Especially when they reacted the way that they did when Anthony apparently informed them how exactly they could check to see if bitches were stealing from them... (It ain't like that shit is rocket surgery.)

Basically these bitches were a bunch of jack-offs who don't know what's really going on.

There are days when I think I should just run off and join the circus. I could totally be a lion tamer! (My luck though I'd end up like Roy Horn... You know the bitch that got mauled and disfigured by his tiger!) I guess as long as I don't get eaten or crushed by the animals, and I'm not shoveling elephant poo, I'll be fine.

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QOTD

"Some of the questions I got, I was like wait a minute, are you interviewing me to be a bartender, or to diffuse the atomic bomb?" ~Anthony.

Anthony: "Well, fuck me."
Liz: "Honey, you're not into that."
Anthony: "Girl what are you talking about? Get me drunk enough, I'd do just about anything... Oh hell, who am I kidding? I don't even need to get drunk for that shit!"

Redefining “Granny Panties” …True tales from my grandmother’s closet.

Please don’t think this post is meant to be in any way disparaging of my recently deceased grandmother. On the contrary, this post is one of veneration and respect for a woman who we apparently knew little about.

My mother called me this evening with news from dear old Gran’s closet.

Apparently whilst my mother and my aunts were going through grandma’s effects, trying to figure out what was worth keeping, and what was worth donating to whomever, they happened across a few interesting finds.

Grandma's fashion sense was always colorful, and admittedly, for an older lady, Grandma had no problem with what some might call "fashionable risks" ... She was a hip, hip chick, my grandma. So it didn't seem so out of the ordinary when mom called to tell me that she'd run across a few interesting things in the extensive clothing collection.

The most noteworthy items did come as a bit more of a shock though.

The evening got particularly interesting when they happened across some of Gran’s more intimate garments.

Apparently my dear, sweet, 81 year old grandmother had a penchant for nightgowns. Long, short, practical, silky, sheer, gaudy, Gran’s collection apparently ran the gamut. Perhaps the most interesting twist to the story came when mom relayed to me that Gran’s taste in intimates was not limited to nightgowns.

Yes, that’s right, THERE’S MORE.

Apparently Gran also owned a naughty pieces of lingerie as well. Mom mentioned a old school style SHEER garter belt. Based on the information that it appeared to be “old fashioned” this didn’t seem so bad. Then mom mentioned a little black corseted number… Please keep in mind that this is my 81 year old grandmother, who used to read me stories, hem my jumper skirts for grade school, and make me baloney (bologna) and cheese sandwiches when I was little… Mom CONTINUED by mentioning that my dearly departed grandmother also owned a pair of (AND I QUOTE…) “BLACK CROTCH-LESS PANTIES.”

Please, take a moment, breathe, pick your jaw up off the desk, and if you care to, go back and read that last bit again… We’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s right. My grandmother owned crotch-less panties.

At 81, my grandmother had more interesting lingerie than I have now… and I’m in my 20s.

Something is VERY VERY wrong with this picture.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’ve got a fair amount of “good” underwear. I can’t say that I’ve ever owned crotch-less panties though. (To be honest, I’d never even CONSIDERED owning a pair of crotch-less underwear.) And I’m not writing this because I am in any way shamed by the fact that my grandmother owned a lingerie item that I have never even dreamt of purchasing… in fact, if I were ashamed of that fact, I can pretty much guarantee that you’d never have heard about it. No I am not at all ashamed of this. In fact, I stand in awe of it! Grandma never ceases to amaze me… even now.

I happened to be in the company of J-Dub and Meljoy when I first learned of the existence of these items belonging to my dearly departed grandmother, they had their own two cents to add on the subject.

“Wow! Way to go Grandpa! Apparently he was still going strong!” ~Meljoy

“Well, jeez, no wonder Grandpa misses her!” ~ J-Dub

J-Dub also added that she was impressed by grandma’s more exotic items… so much so that she thinks that we need to go out and purchase black crotch-less panties as a kind of homage to her.

Needless to say, this new information has caught me off guard, and quite frankly I have been forced to reconsider the portrait I had mentally painted of my late grandmother.

Prior to my newfound knowledge, I thought of Grandma as a classic-type of grandmother figure, with prudish morals (that she most definitely, effectively passed down) and a woman who had only a very limited idea of all-things-sexual. (Most women who grew up in that era spent their whole lives with only one man, etc.) And granted, Gran did spend 59 happy years with her husband, and she did firmly believe that sex outside of marriage was a hell-worthy trespass… But then we factor in this new information and things start to make a little more sense. For example, her sense of humor, while always razor sharp, always seemed a little incongruently sexual. To anyone else, it would’ve seemed like she was a martini-drinking, fun-loving, crass, woman with a bit of a dirty mind. Now that I know this about her, things are falling into place with much greater ease.

Me thinks that grandma was not quite the prude that she would’ve had us believe… Either that, or we all need to sit down and re-evaluate what exactly falls in the category we know as “Granny Panties!”

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QOTD

J-Dub: “Mel do you know what you’re doing?”
Mel: “No, but I do have a black belt in keeping-it-real!”

A couple bugs in the system...

Yeah, I'm experiencing problems with the fine folks at Blogger.com, and their system... despite my repeated efforts at removing the extra copy of the previous post, none of my repeated efforts have been successful. You'll get over it I'm sure... it's really easy you know, just scroll past the extra copy.

TA-DAAAAA!

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While we're on the subject of "bugs in the system" I am presently disgusted by my apartment because for some reason it has become a haven for fruit flies...

I don't know where the hell they came from, as I don't leave food out, I take my trash out on a consistent basis, and there isn't a single dirty dish in the sink.

I'll have to beat those bitches with a bat!

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Since I'm back for a second time this evening, I'll go ahead and post something that has provided me with immense amounts of amusement over the last couple of months...

Markus, the fabulous guy who runs the site "swim at your own risk" that I have linked to in the sidebar, first posted a link to this tune back in July... I enjoyed it then. And a few days ago he mentioned this hilarious number once again... I'm just going to copy and paste Markus' original post about this topic, because he took the time to type out the lyrics for us!

Hell of a guy, that Markus!

The Great White Shark Song

Click here to listen!

If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
and ask you how you do...then you'd look at me and pull out a harpoon...
and try to shoot me...then I'd realize how fucking really hungry I am right now...
sorry about your leg...I'll be back in a while...for the rest...don't stress...
my sister will be back to clean up this mess...relax...kick back...
it's only a great white shark attack...

If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
cause sharks like surfing too...then you'd paddle out...chasing the pac sets...
pushing the sunset...then I'd realize I've never seen a seal so fat and slow...
sorry about your arm...I just didn't know...think fast...swim back...
you still look like a seal...your wetsuit so black...and red...

Great white sharks dive 4,000 feet...swim across the world...damn isn't that deep...
40 million years...and they haven't changed...apex predator...survival is the game...
ambush style is how they hunt...7 rows of teeth...lorenzini in the front...
oh I love the great white shark...their bellies are white...and the rest is dark...
and if I might just happen to be...a great white shark named abc...
oh you know I wouldn't bite you...

If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
If I was a great white I wouldn't bite you...but I'd swim right next to you
cause it's my ocean too...so please keep it clean...cause I can be fucking mean...
and I got sharp teeth...and if I realize that you don't care about the sea...
well that means you don't care about me...oh well...that's fine...
I'll just bite you in fucking half this time...yeah if I was a great white...yeah...
If I was a great white shark.

Written and performed by Andy Brandy Casagrande IV

Visit Andy's website to see the video and learn more about the research he's doing.

(Special thanks to Markus!)

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I will grab you by the ears! (Yes you.)

He's my special boy!

This is Murphy. He is a sexy beast! He might not be my lobster, but being my fish is the best that he can manage... and since I don't want my babies to have webbed fingers and toes, and such, I think it's better that he is not my lobster.

But you gotta admit, he's handsome, isn't he!

Although Murphy doesn't like the camera flashes (bad experiences with papparazzi... he doesn't like to talk about it!) Both of these picture were taken when he was in a good mood (you can tell he was in a good mood because he was still all blue.) When he gets agitated he takes on a maroonish/purplish tone...


We really don't like to make him mad. Because he just spent a week at the gym, and he is all buffed out, and could totally kick your ass. (And mine.)

In case you were wondering, Murphy is fluent in Spanish, Mandarin, Arabic, French, German, Italian, Chinese, Urdu, Greek, and Tagalog.

Basically don't talk shit about him in any language, because he will know what you said, and he will totally mess you up!


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Those of you who talk to me on the phone on even an occasional basis know that I have REALLY SHITTY reception in my apartment... this means that I usually have to take my phone out to the front stoop of my building, and call bitches back because I get better reception there.

While I was out front, on the phone earlier tonight, an unattractive old Indian man passed my building and saw me on the stoop, and asked if I was new to the area... The first time I didn't hear him, because I was busy TALKING ON THE PHONE... So he repeated himself, louder.

Children, when I am on the phone, I don't pay attention to bitches I don't know who ask stupid questions like "Are you new to the area?"

Sure, maybe he was trying to be nice... but you know what would've been nicer? Acknowledging that I was on the phone and in the middle of a conversation and not bothering me, a girl he doesn't know, with stupid questions.

If you all think this is an effective come-on, you're wrong. I'm pretty sure that most people would agree with me here when I say that if you're old enough to be my dad, and you see that I'm on the phone, don't go interrupting me unless you want me to become irate... Then of course you run the risk of me dousing you with lamp oil and flicking a lit match at you... Or I could just sick Murphy on you... Either way, you're fucked.

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I went to Costco with Anthony today. He bought coffee and the first season of Fraggle Rock on DVD! I will promptly be borrowing it and copying it! (Shh. Don't tell the feds!)

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Today I also became an advisory board member of a non-profit organization... but that's not really in full swing yet... more on this later.

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Speaking of non-profit/charitable efforts, remember that hurricane fundraiser thing I was telling you about? Yeah, it actually happened when I was home, so if you were waiting on my punk-ass, don't. Go ahead and send your checks directly to the Red Cross. Lord knows they need it! (And go ahead and donate blood while you're at it, because they need that too!)

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Caro: "You could beat that bitch with a bat."
Anthony: "Well, I AM taking a bat with me to Europe... for all those wretched pigeons."

Anthony: "GOD! What a GREAT day... I've got you, I'm going to be on a plane to Europe in 2 weeks, I have a bar job waiting for me when I come back, AND I've got the first season of Fraggle Rock... The only thing missing is a blowjob!"
Liz: "And hey, the night is young!"
Anthony: "You know, I was thinking the EXACT same thing."

"Oh I had a totally gay moment this morning... So when you get in the car, we're rocking out to Madonna." ~Anthony.

PC and MAC don't mix!

I have itunes on my PC, and I'm starting to resent it. Don't get me wrong, I love itunes as much as the next person, but for some reason the program keeps duplicating my music files and then when I go to listen to them, one file is the first 15 seconds of the song and the other file is the whole song... and whenever I go through and delete the duplicate files they keep coming back.

It's more than a little irritating.

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Murphy is back from spending a week at the gym... damn he's buff.

(Thanks Meljoy!)

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Ok, another rant about fashion.

Jeans. I know that you think jeans go with everything... and to an extent, you're right, they do. But that requires you to actually take the time to pick the right jeans for the outfit.

If they are "Dirty/distressed" jeans, pairing them with a clean, sharply pressed, crisp dress shirt doesn't work. You have to pick one look and stick with it.

Tapered leg jeans are not coming back. Take your parents to the Levi's outlet, or the Gap and set them straight!

When there are more holes than fabric, it's time to retire those jeans... they've suffered enough.

Wearing jeans under a skirt was a fad, and very few people pulled it off effectively. Enough now.

rolling jeans up so that they have a cuff at the bottom is ok... provided that the jeans naturally lend themselved to the cuffed look, and the cuff does not exceed 4 inches in width.

Boot-cut jeans shouldn't fit like bell bottoms. This is not 1969.

Jeans should never be tight enough to provide onlookers with a view of your camel toe.

There is such a thing as too tight. There is also such a thing as too loose. Figure out what looks best on you (And that doesn't necessarily mean what YOU THINK looks best,) and run with it.

Jeans are not the best workout attire... but if you're gonna make that mistake, then you're way beyond my help.

The bottom of your jeans should at least graze, if not rest on the top of your shoe. Too long or too short, and the whole look is spoiled. Figure out the right length for your body, and buy it!

If you're wearing jeans with a jean jacket, the denim should pair well together. (ie- shit should match.)

There are other rules, but I think we've effectively covered the basics!

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That is all, for now.

Ramblings... kinda

I was busy slinging flowers today... and I will be busy slinging flowers tomorrow.

Flower slinging isn't the most fun job in September, but it's keeping Lizzle out of the poor house for the time being!

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Yesterday I met up with Anthony, and we had a couple lunchtime margaritas and walked around with a decent buzz for a couple hours... it was delightful.

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I think that the reason that I can't find a lobster is because I am too busy cultivating my many relationships with all of my gay boyfriends... I'm a total flame dame!

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I'm always amused when people talk about the things that give them really bad hangovers, or the things that make them feel really gross the next day... For Caro it's any amount of white wine, for Anthony it's white wine (but only if he has 2 glasses or less), for Erin it's champagne, for me it's tequila... and it's not so much a bona fide hangover as it is a REALLY NASTY headache.

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Murphy is a siamese fighting fish, but I think he's also part chameleon, because he changes colors when he gets mad... and I'm not the only person who has noticed it!

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I hate the internet right now... actually no, I don't hate the internet, I hate being too poor to afford a proper internet connection and thus I am frustrated with not having a solid internet signal... either way, I can't update my itunes, and I can't carry on an IM conversation... so I'm ready to destroy the whole of the internet... a few specific sites will be spared.

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I need a haircut.

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I have a kind of weird facsination with the song "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak... I can't explain it, it's just one of those songs that I always find myself coming back to.

And since we're on the subject, the video for that song is HOT! Yeah, you know the one, with Chris and Helena Christensen out on a black sand beach... Even non-smokers need a cigarette after watching that!

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I saw a baby the other day that looked like it was half lizard... There was obviously something wrong with it that couldn't be corrected, or hasn't been corrected yet... Either way, it made me sad.

God will likely punish me for all my misdeeds by seeing to it that I birth a lizard baby.

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I'm the first to admit that I occasionally venture out of the apartment looking dreadfully short of being a fashionista, but really people... we need to address some serious fashion crimes here.

• Velour pants. - They are out of style, and if you're bigger than a size 4, they never looked good on you to begin with.
• Shirts with the sleeves cut off. - This is only a problem if you have flabby arms... unfortunately most of the people choosing to make this fashion statement haven't worked on their biceps and triceps in quite some time!
• Ugg boots. - If you haven't figured out that these are not cute, and not in style anymore, then god have mercy on you.
• Exposed midriff. - If you don't have a flat tummy then please spare the rest of us... we don't like walking around being embarrassed for you, and we certainly don't enjoy ogling your nasty roll hanging out over your too-tight jeans... really, we can do without it!
• Trucker hats. - For real. They are done. Over. And they aren't coming back any time soon... so dispose of that atrocity promptly.
• Leg warmers. - Unless you are actually making a living as a dancer there is no reason that you should own a pair of these... and I don't think that many ACTUAL dancers even sport these anymore.
• Mini-skirts. - We're getting into that time of year when temperatures drop, and mini-skirts become stupid... does that mean bitches will stop wearing them? No. That's why it's a problem.
• Thrift-store finds. - Vintage is one thing, finding a ratty old moth-eaten jacket and sporting it like it's the height of fashion is another. Let's face facts, you get what you pay for, and there is a reason that VINTAGE RESALE SHOPS charge premium prices, while the salvation army will let you pick up a 3 piece suit for $2.50.
• GIANT sunglasses. - Seriously, we know you all want to look like Nicole Richie, there comes a time when you stop looking cute, and start looking like Elton John.
• Any fashion pairing that you think Fergie would sport. - It might be brightly colored, but it ain't cute. Get over it.
• Insert other fashion crimes here. - I'm sure I'm forgetting a bunch of things, but I get so frustrated when dealing with this nonsense!

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I have gotten a chance to sit and think about my own level of popularity. I understand that I'm kind of an acquired taste, and thus my popularity is limited by the fact that I don't openly embrace the accolades of large masses of people and vise versa. But take a minute and think about it... think of a VERY popular person who you know but don't necessarily like. They are probably super-popular because they are either too dumb to know better, or because the people who adore them are too dumb to care deeply about anything.

Don't believe me?

Just remember, MILLIONS of people LOVED the macarena.

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QOTD

Liz: What are you doing?
Anthony: I was waiting for you, so I thought I'd see what this smelled like.
Liz: And? What's the verdict?
Anthony: It smells like... cheap.
Liz: OH, look, they have another variety!
Anthony: Yay! Now I can smell like 2 kinds of cheap!

"Oh no she didn't! I will beat that bitch with a bat!" ~ Anthony

Anthony: You're looking good!
Liz: I'm feeling good!
Anthony: Well that's good!
Liz: Well, in a word, yeah.

Bitter vs. Better

First off, I would like to extend my thanks to all of you who have shown such an immense amount of support for me lately! In addition to the comments you all can see, I also got several e-mails, voicemails, instant messages, phone calls, text messages, and other displays of condolence and support. They were all immensely appreciated.

Several of you have noted that the last entry that I posted touched you, or in fact, made you cry. I am so very glad that you felt touched, and that some of you even felt moved to tears as you read. If nothing else it makes me feel like, by telling my version of the story, grandma can go on touching lives even after her life has ended. (It also makes me feel better about all my tears, considering you all have known about her for a matter of weeks, and I've known her and loved her for damn near 23 wonderful years.) Never in my life have I been so grateful for having such wonderful friends in addition to the closeness of my family.

I actually felt that some of those friends were actually more welcome than certain members of the family...

Generally speaking, I'm not one to gossip. I don't spread rumors that I hear, and I know how to keep a secret. But since there are only a few family members who actually know about this site, I'm going to go ahead and vent my feelings about certain people in my family. Last Saturday, shortly after grandma left us, I got a phone call from Kirsten. (We all know that I love Kirsten like a sister, and that love is certainly reciprocated, so while she wasn't initially calling about grandma -because she didn't know about grandma,- but she quickly stepped up and did all she could to console me,) during this phone call, she said something that really kind of captured the situation perfectly. She said, "In times like these, when everyone is faced with a certain unpleasantness, there are two kinds of people. There are those who let it make them bitter, and those who let it make them better." -- I'm venting about the bitter ones.

First there was Aunt M. - initials will be used for the sake of their saving face... Because lord knows I'm not about to portray these people in a flattering light, - Aunt M. has ALWAYS behaved in a shockingly self-serving manner for pretty much as long as I can remember... This event was no different. (A little back-story here) When grandma was initially diagnosed and surgery was deemed necessary, Aunt M. feigned concern, this concern was of course delicately blended with comments about her own assorted illnesses and ailments. (She was really doing an over-the-top acting job... Apparently nobody told her that someone would need to film it in order for her to be considered for the Academy Award.) So she cried and moaned, and wailed, and then pleaded poverty until my grandfather (who was stretching every dollar to afford grandma's medical bills) sent her money to pay for a ticket. Please note that this means that she didn't pay for a ticket herself. Now... before she came up, my mother and other aunts advised her that she would have to actively contribute to the care of grandma, because none of them could waste their time caring for Aunt M. while trying to care for grandma... Basically, they told her, "you're welcome to be here, but you have to help... if you can't help, DON'T COME!" Well, Aunt M. came up... and did she help? NOPE. She was a constant drain on patience, time, effort, and resources. Basically, you need to think of every possible way to be an additional burden to people who already have a heap on their plates, and multiply it times 8. Now, it's no secret among the sisters that grandpa paid for Aunt M's plane ticket, so when M. starts talking about having steaks from Kansas regularly delivered to her home, packed in dry ice, people are starting to wonder. Couple that with the fact that she was too ill to visit grandma as she lay in the hospital (during early phases of her care) but she was well enough to go to a local jewelry store to try on a few new things... (basically indicating that someone could've afforded their own plane ticket.) M. drained everyone of all their patience, and most of their resources for about a week, (which, by all accounts, was about 6 days and 22 hours more than anyone could take). And at the end of grandma's life, and the end of this saga, do you think she behaved any better? NOPE. She begged and pleaded for 4 plane tickets to fly up her whole family for the services (fortunately, prior to losing the ability to communicate, grandma had EXPRESSLY noted that if ANY plane tickets were sent it was to be ONE and ONLY ONE.) Aunt M. didn't react too kindly to this, so she decided that since she couldn't bring everyone with her at grandpa's expense, she'd skip grandma's funeral altogether. The single ticket was offered again, to which she replied, "No, my daughter has homecoming coming up, so we're going to go shopping for a dress." (Yeah, that's right, the crazy bitch missed her own mother's funeral to go dress shopping.) Did she even send flowers? NOPE.

The thing of it is, as my mother pointed out, if she had been here she would've wailed and pissed and moaned, and made everyone else miserable, because she's the type of person who would've grabbed grandma's hand at the last minute just so that she would be able to say "Oh, I held her hand as she died" for the purposes of her own story, not because she really cared enough to hold her hand at that point as a means of comfort to grandma. (I am proud of the fact that I got to be there for her final days at all, let alone hold her hand through much of it.)

The other family members are really a drop in the bucket next to M, but let's go ahead and address them anyway, since we're on the subject. (Events like this give me sooooo much to write about.) The three family members in question as a whole shall be referred to as the western contingent... We'll call them great aunt S, cousin T, and in-law A. (*In-law A. was by all rights an innocent party who was accidentally dragged into this mess, and for the most part, she did her best contribute when possible.) S. and T. on the other hand... Well, they succeeded in pissing people off too. For starters, cousin T is a vegetarian. This ordinarily wouldn't be a big deal, however, T repeatedly made it abundantly clear that he wouldn't eat meat at all, so we needed to find other ways to accommodate his dietary needs... and then he ate bacon at breakfast. (And chicken for dinner one night.) Kinda makes me wonder what kind of vegetarianism this is, and why we all bent over backwards to order vegetarian pizza and such. (Bitch comes to my house, he's eating a can of green beans from the cupboard - while the rest of us eat ham, or turkey, or something - or he goes to bed hungry.) His mother, my great aunt S, (my grandmother's sister) who technically did have every right to be there was a constant irritation to everyone. S was actually only planning on coming to town for a high school reunion, but ended up making it to the funeral too. Basically, she felt that everyone should wait on her, hand and foot. Too bad that most of the time the rest of us disagreed with her on that matter. This obnoxious behavior extended to the point of sitting at the breakfast table the morning after my grandmother died, and LITERALLY yelling "BACON!!! BACON!!!" until someone brought the bacon in from the breakfast room for her... She did this REPEATEDLY. She also had other assorted demands throughout the week, and of course any time that anyone did something for her, (despite the fact that she has full use of all her faculties, and could've done any and all of it herself,) it wasn't good enough, or it had to be done differently, or some other there was some other nonsensical problem, like her ice water wasn't cold enough, she demanded others get up to accommodate her... Really considerate gal. This general irritation would've been tolerated, however there was a blatant disregard for the occasion when she demanded to see my newly-deceased grandmother's ring at the funeral home showing. She demanded to see it because she insisted that my grandmother had gotten the largest diamond (of three diamonds that were inherited from another relative). She also prodded another relative (the one who got the third diamond of the set) into a comparison at the funeral home... Tasteless and rude if you ask me. (And in case you're wondering, it was easily proven that while still substantial in size, my grandmother, in fact, got the SMALLEST of the 3, not the largest... So not only was she tacky, she was WRONG.)

Now that I really think about it, it's kind of like those soldiers casting lots for Jesus' robe at the crucifixion... Before anyone was even buried they already want to put their two cents in so they don't get feel like they were getting shorted! (I'm Catholic, so I can kinda get away with likening this to something biblical!)

So those are the ones who let bitterness win... I choose to be one who is made better by these events. I forgive these people for behaving as they did. Their behavior might not make sense to me, but I'm sure they all have their reasons. I got more out of this whole series of events than I ever could've hoped for... and considering I didn't lose it when any of this mess went down, I think I have already set out on the road to betterment. If not better, maybe just a little softer, a little more tolerant, or a little more understanding.

The title of this post is either: There is such a thing as a love that is beyond description... and I have seen it. OR "He's her lobster."

Let me jump right into this by saying that my grandma was a woman with an irreverent sense of humor... if there was a laugh to be had, she led the way to it... no matter what lines you had to cross to get there. Grandma was a woman who touched an incredible number of lives, and made everyone laugh (and she also made them eat, A LOT, but that is a whole other story.) That all said, it should be understood that my joking in any way about grandma's death is something that she would have appreciated. She would much rather that we revel in laughter rather than tears.

I'm not sure where the joking will come in, but here's the story.

I left my apartment Thursday morning at 5 AM. I missed my flight. I caught the next direct flight, and ended up getting home two hours prior to my original landing time... go figure.

We got to the hospital, and grandma was in that phase you hear about where the body goes into a last minute rally, and the ill person actually looks like they are doing a heck of a lot better... it's a deceptive stage in the dying process. But when I got there, Grandma was lucid, had her eyes open, and was talking to everyone. She told me I was beautiful, and that's something I will always remember. She asked how my boyfriend was, and when I told her I didn't have one she said "That's just nuts, a beautiful girl like you running around with no boy on her arm," to which I told her I hadn't found a boy like my grandpa yet, so I was holding out for the right guy. (At that time I didn't know just how right I was about grandpa being the kind of guy I want to find, but we'll get to that.) Throughout Thursday grandma was unconscious for about 22.5 hours, but throughout the day she would wake up for a few minutes here and there, and she would laugh and joke with us, and listen to us when we talked to her, and told her that we loved her, and she told us how much she loved all of us.

An example of a giggle that grandma afforded us, was with regard to the nursing home/ occupational rehab facility that grandma was staying at when we thought she was going to beat her illness... At one point, grandma woke up for just a few seconds, she looked at all of us and said "No nursing home should be without a beer!" and then she went back to sleep. (In her last week at the nursing home, all grandma wanted was a beer, but they didn't have any to give her, thus the statement.)

We were running down to the cafeteria to bring up some food for the group, and still having a chuckle about this wise remark, when we were joined in the elevator by a gentleman who we didn't know... we relayed the story to him and he stated, "Sounds like a good German Catholic." And he couldn't have been more right.

A couple of those touching moments where you know how deep a love runs were when Grandpa leaned over grandma and asked her what she wanted for Christmas... too weak to speak, she looked at him in all seriousness and pointed to him. He was all she wanted for Christmas.

And as Grandpa was leaving for the day, he said "Goodbye mother, I'm going home. I'll see you in the morning." Grandma woke up to that, and as he turned to leave she grabbed his butt, and had the presence of mind to point and blame my mother and then close her eyes to play innocent. (I told you she was funny!)

Grandpa being equally funny, and yet touching at the same time, at one point said, (grandma had been through a couple rounds of chemotherapy which had taken a toll on her physically) "Honey, you're old... your skin ain't lookin so hot... you're bald... but you're still just as beautiful as the day I married you." He also sang to her, her favorite song, "The girl I made my own" which was a song that she made him sing to her every night for a long time after they got married. The man sang her favorite song to his unconscious wife as she lay there dying... THAT'S LOVE.

The next couple of days were spent keeping a bedside vigil over dear ol' Gran, and laughing at stories my aunts and my mom told about their childhood, crying over stories, and prayers, and literally waiting for the end to come at any time... it was quite literally minute to minute for a couple days. (And when you're minute to minute for a couple days, you don't sleep much, if at all... it took it's toll on all of us.)

Basically I sat for up two and a half days holding grandma's hand, awaiting the inevitable end. Having the privelege to hold her hand for those last two days, even to her last breath was something that I will cherish forever... and it's something that nobody can ever take from me.

The end came at 2:30 on Saturday the 10th. We had all gathered around her at about 7 in the morning, somehow instinctively sensing that the end was very close. And at 2:28 Grandpa took grandma up in his arms and told her he loved her, and goodbye, and he'd miss her, and that she could go now... and as he hugged and kissed her at 2:30 in the afternoon, she breathed her last breath, and it was over. After 59 happy years of marriage, she died in his arms, just as it should have been.

It should be noted that seeing acts of love between my grandparents over the years, and seeing them in the amplified context of a deathbed vigil, I can safely say that it was readily apparent that these two were soulmates. There is no doubt that they were meant to spend their lives together... and for those of you who don't get the reference in the title, I'll fill you in: Lobsters mate for life. My grandpa and grandma were like lobsters, they picked each other, and they were mated for life... He's her lobster.

I can only dream to be so lucky as to find someone who will love me like that. I'm convinced that there are no more men like dear old grandpa out there anymore. I really, honestly, hope that I'm wrong.

Problem solved.

For those of you who keep using Internet Explorer, the page is finally fixed. REJOICE!

For the rest of you who are smart enough NOT to use Internet Explorer, REJOICE, because your browser was never a piece of trash that caused me problems anyway!

So as you can all see now, the sidebar is at the side, not the top or the bottom. And that's just how we like it.

Thank you, Markus, JP, and Jeff for all your help!

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In other news, I've gotten a lot of supportive calls, IMs, e-mails and other messages. I appreciate it everybody, thanks a million! You really are some terriffic people.

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Anthony, Kelly and Caro have promised to blacklist the guy that sacked me, and they have already started to get things going so that I'll have an easier time finding work when I gwt back from E-Vegas.

You guys really are too awesome!

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Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home, and I'm going to get sloshed.

I'm going home...

Family comes first, so I'll be at home in Evansville for the next week. I might occasionally post from there if I get a chance.

Meljoy is fish-sitting Murphy while I'm away.

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To add insult to injury, I no longer have a bartending job.

When I called to explain my situation to my boss this morning he informed me that my services are no longer needed.

When I offered to find someone to cover my shifts I was told not to bother because he would be hiring someone else to REPLACE me...

When I made a plea to keep the job, and said I'd find someone for the shifts, he then proceeded to make up some bullshit about a discrepancy with my drawer on Sunday. This is complete bullshit because I counted my cash in at the begining of my shift, and I counted and re-counted out at the end of my shift. If I was off in any way, I'd have settled it at the end of my shift which is standard operation for a bar... hearing about it three days later means he's got something else going on, and he's pinning it on me, so I get screwed out of my job.

That stings a little bit.

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So when I come back I'll be looking for more bartending work.

JOY.

Ok, so here's my problem...

If you have no idea about program coding, skip this portion of the post!!! (Resume reading where you see the RED LETTERS!)

For those of you knowledgeable folks who are still with me here, if you're reading this page using internet explorer, I'm sure you've noticed the coding problems I have here.

I've consulted a lot of "computer people" about this coding issue that causes my sidebar to load at the top or bottom of all of my posts rather than at the side like it should. And with my own smarts and the help of Jeff, my cousin Steven, Steven's old roommate Mike, and some other random smart people, I've been able to isolate the bit of code that's causing all the problems.

it's the part that says: <$BlogItemBody$>

So far we've tried removing the $ signs from the code, which moves the sidebar up to the proper place, but causes the loss of all the posts. So we pretty much have to have them in there...

So then we tried adding table tags around the offending bit of code... That resulted in pretty much the same effect. Either we have the body of the post, or we have the sidebar loading on the side...

Somehow we'd like to find a way around the coding problem where we can actually have both load correctly at the same time in internet explorer. (Because there are still a lot of very silly people out there who use that piece of trash browser.)

(Michael K, and Markus, I'm looking at you for this one!! Because I know you bitches programmed Michael's new page... So I know that between the two of you, someone knows enough about this nonsense to be of assistance.)

To those of you who know what I'm talking about, and are looking at my coding as you read along here, I'll just go ahead and let you know that I am not particularly attached to any of the text boxes or anything, so if we have to lose that mess, then that's fine! (I'm really more of a content over style kind of girl.

If you can help me, please IM me if I'm around (AIM = Damnlizforgot) or e-mail any helpful stuff to skippinaround@hotmail.com (but please put something in the subject line to indicate that you are helping me... Because I have a junk mail filter on that account, and odds are that most stuff will end up getting screened into the junkmail folder and I'll have to go looking for it!)

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Ok, now that the technology-talk is out of the way, you all can start reading again!

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So I've decided that while I make enough money to support myself by working at the bar, I need some kind of a day job just to occupy my time... (I get really bored during the day, because I only work 6 hour shifts a couple nights a week!) You bitches know how stir crazy I get when I sit around being bored all day... And that shit ain't pretty.

So I've got a plan to work a low-responsibility day job and put a little extra cash in my pockets to occupy my time. (Since I'm not looking for another bartending job right this second, I'm thinking the job search part should go much easier... In fact I think a job actually fell into my lap just the other day, so I'm seeing where that takes me.)

Keep your fingers crossed.

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As for the family situation, Grandma's status is kind of tenuous. She developed a lung infection that has spread into a blood infection, so we're thinking it's really only a matter of time... likely only days at best. (So don't be surprised if the posting drops off for a few days without an immediate explaination. It probably means I've gone home to be with my family... I'll be back in the not-too-distant future, and I'll make it up to you... but it hasn't come to that yet, so we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.)

As for Uncle Jim, his formal biopsy will be in the next day or two, and doctors will then be able to give us a more complete picture of what we're dealing with there.

As for me, I'm dealing with this mess the best way I know how... by seeing solace in my wonderful friends... You all really are a terriffic bunch of people! I don't know what I'd do without you.

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Murphy says, "Hi!"

Well, at least I think he said "Hi" ... I don't speak fish as fluently as I would like... so he either said "Hi" or "Sup, BITCHES!"

Either way, he's just trying to be friendly.

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In case you all didn't already know... I love you!

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QOTD

The following conversational excerpt was my friend Erik's away message (I thought it was quote worthy):

K24LINK: we could smear pudding on each others chests and run around Rogers Park screaming "Help us! Pudding killed our family!"
elar27: that's good ... but could we make it a pudding MONSTER? i think that's more believable than pudding itself killing our family
K24LINK: well that's what I implied, that it was in fact a pudding monster

This was an actual conversation I had today:
Anthony: Liz, I actually thought of you when I heard a song this weekend!
Liz: Oh yeah? What song?
Anthony: You remember that song that came out in the early 90s, "Beat That Bitch with a Bat"?
Caro: (Who just sprayed the beverage she was drinking all over everything, and was literally rolling with laughter) OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA PEE MY PANTS.
Anthony: Well, do you remember it? Well it came on and I just started dancing to it, and screamed out "LIZ, YOU FUCKIN' ROCK!" ...the bitches I was with just thought I was crazy, because they don't know you and you weren't there.

"So I went to that housewarming party my dad had this weekend, and I've got my grandma in the car, and as we're pulling up there are squad cars all over the place... my grandma just looks at me and says 'KEEP DRIVING! I DON'T WANNA GET PINCHED!' So I was like 'Grandma, you're like 80 years old, what are you gonna get pinched for?' She was like 'You never know...'" ~Anthony

So I was talking to Rosie, who is like 78 years old, and she tells me "I used to go downtown and drink Harvey Wallbangers, and have sex with lots of men!" and I was like "Rosie! That's exactly what I do... except I drink Ketel & sodas," and Rosie looks at me and says "YOU SLUT!" ~Anthony

I need a hug...

I keep getting more and more bad news. (Murphy really was a timely name for my fish.)

Today mom called to let me know that Grandma has developed a serious lung infection, she has been moved back to the hospital, and there is talk of "just making her as comfortable as possible."

So we know what that means.

While I have played the realist all along during this saga, the fact remains that when you hear those words, it kinda hits home and makes you realize that the end might be even closer than you thought.

Once again I am being a Debbie Downer, forgive me. Getting such grim news about members of your immediate two days in a row will have that effect... I don't really like to talk about this stuff to people around me, because I can visibly see it bringing them down, (and that's hard for me, because I like to be uplifting as frequently as possible.) So even if I'm only sharing this info with the modest readership that I have, it's important for me to get it out there somehow, so the writing is more of a catharsis than entertainment lately, my sincerest apologies.

I am sincerely hoping to find something more enjoyable to write about in the not too distant future, so please bear with me.

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I suppose since you're still reading, you've decided to play along and ride this out... either that, or you're waiting for me to address the changes I've made.

Yeah, I went back to the old page design, and I decided to remove the other contributors (because they no longer contribute), and I went through and cleaned up the links, and added a new one for you. Other than all of that, it's still the same page.

As I type this up I've got Jeff working on the code problem that has caused this beast to improperly load in internet explorer for a good long while now. (Which is why I continually recommend you use firefox, so that you can see the page as it was intended to look.) So that might end up being repaired by the time you see this as well.

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So you're all aware, my schedule at the bar will continue to be the closing shift Sundays and Thursdays throughout the month of September.

At present, Thursdays are karaoke nights and we are trying out Sundays as an additional karaoke night, so it may or may not be a karaoke night if you come in on a Sunday. (Either way I won't be torturing you by making you listen to me sing, so you can just come in and laugh at everyone else.)

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So that's that then.

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Bad news... again. (I'm really starting to feel like Debbie Downer)

In addition to the crazy mess that has been going on of late, my dad called me while I was slinging flowers today, and the news wasn't good.

My uncle Jim, who was hospitalized for an unknown ailment resembling severe exhaustion at last report, has now been diagnosed. He has a very aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are presently unsure if it is operable, but based solely on what they know right now, the prognosis doesn't look good. In fact, they went so far as to say "it's likely that he'll go very rapidly."

And you know things don't look good when doctors start talking about bitches goin' places.

So once again, for those of you in touch with whatever god(s) you pray to, please give my family, especially my uncle Jim, and my grandmothers, a mention.

We all appreciate it!

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In light of this sad news, I called my mom, had a milkshake, and bought a fish.

Pictures of the fish will be posted when I get my computer back... though at this rate, they are probably going to tell me that when they opened it up to fix it, they found that it had cancer too, and that I won't be getting it back. Sorry.

Originally my plan was to let you, the readers pick the name of my fish... I was going to post a handy little poll on the sidebar much like I had before, for the "Screw Hollywood, you decide" survey so that you could pick the name, but then I changed my mind. Since nothing seems to be going well for anyone around me lately, I decided to name my fish Murphy.

Mom asked, "Why Murphy?" to which I simply answered, "Murphy's Law... anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong."

Happy adoption day Murphy!

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QOTD

"Oh, so you knock shit over with your tits too? That makes me feel better!"~Tori (who has big boobs that also knock things over)

"They are workin me like a Hebrew slave!" ~Little Christine.

IT'S A GIRL!

I am happy to report that my cousin Kim had her baby, a beautiful little girl by the name Olivia Grace. Both mother and baby are doing fine, although Frank, (Kim's husband and baby-daddy) nearly passed out and was given oxygen treatments during labor and delivery.

Congrats to the Messina family!!

Computer is still in the shop, so when I am not at work I am bored to death... such is life I suppose.

I miss talking to all of you kids, and I'll be back soon, I promise!!!

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Possibly in an effort to redeem my already hell-bound soul, I have offered to donate my bartending services to a charity fundraiser to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

All proceeds will be donated to the Red Cross.

My buddy Caro is setting it all up, so when I get further details, I will pass them along to you, I hope that if you have the time and the inclination you will come out and show your support, and even if you don't show up to the event, I hope you do have it in your heart to write a check for those poor souls.

Details to come.

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When in doubt, just remember the words of Hunter S. Thompson:

"No. We can't stop here. This is bat country."

Or if that one doesn't suit the situation, try this one:

"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

But those two will only get you so far, so you might have to rely on this tried and true adage:

"Don't take any guff from these fucking swine."

When you get in a pinch, I can pretty much guarantee you that one of those three is going to see you through!

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You are beautiful my friends! SALUD!