I think this is going to be one of those posts where you get more of a glimpse into the inner workings of my confused little brain rather than the entertainment you usually seek to find here. Consider yourself warned. Here goes...
It's been a weird day. Nothing really happened.
Funny how nothing can happen and that makes it weird.
I expect, with the recent exception of the granny panties post that my readership is once again languishing. I haven't looked at numbers in months, but something tells me that I've found another low point in the writer-reader relationship. If I did this for a living I'd say this would be about the time I found out that my column was no longer selling any papers, so I was being sacked.
Not so surprising really. I've depressed you people for quite some time now, and a few of you have been real troopers about bearing with me. I appreciate that. Those that have moved on to greener pastures and funnier writers, I don't blame them. The internet is supposed to be a place for entertainment. That's why we pay as much for internet service as we do for cable.
No, today was one of those days where I kind of gave a lot of thought to my own state of affairs. I guess this post is kind of my state of the union address, and you are my members of congress.
I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, a tremendous group of friends, wonderful family. I have an orchid that I wanted for two years and now I also have a fish. I didn't know anyone who was directly impacted by any of the recent natural disasters. I have my health. I have wine in my fridge. I have friends who are finding success in life and in love. And at the end of all that, I look at what I have, I still feel like I'm on the outside of something I can't explain or define, and I find myself standing alone, looking in.
I have all these things that I should be incredibly grateful for, and I am, but there's a part of me that screams "SOMETHING IS MISSING!" And that little part somehow pulls all of my focus off of the good things that I should be thankful for having.
It's like when you find yourself at the end of a bad relationship, and the other person says all the right things and reminds you of all the good times, but there's still that part of you that remembers why the relationship was ending and reminds you that while all those things that the other person reminds you of were real... sometimes it just isn't enough.
I think a big part of this is that since graduating from college I no longer see all the same people every day. A lot of my best friends have moved to other cities and other states. And while I can call them on the phone, and talk to them until I'm blue in the face, sometimes it isn't enough.
Another part of me thinks it might be the fact that I have a birthday coming up, and once again I don't have someone to share it with... but that's a whole other can of worms, let's not get into that.
Part of me also thinks it's just too much contemplation on the issue of mortality. With so many people I know who have rather suddenly fallen gravely ill, I can't help but wonder why them and not me... and since it's not me, what am I supposed to do with that?
I've been lucky enough to find a few key people who have been supportive and wonderful during these recent months, and for them I am eternally grateful. But then there are times when I find myself looking for support where I know there is none. Places where I KNOW the support has always fallen through.
I find myself going back to the bad habits, and even though I tell myself, "This time it's different," it really never is.
While I find myself in that reflective mood, I also look back at failed friendships.
I look at the people I was friends with in high school, and I realize that I don't talk to any of them anymore. Not a single one. I look at the people I became friends with in college. I talk to a few of them, mostly ones who moved away. But the ones who have remained in town ... we never get together for a drink.
The friends I made at work, those I talk to a bit more frequently, occasionally drink with, but ever since I left the job things are not the same.
I try telling myself that no matter what my situation was, I'd still be unhappy about something... That's human nature. We always want what we can't have. That's why keeping up with the Jones' has become such a thriving pasttime.
But is that really it? Is my problem merely that I want the things I can't have? I can't help but wonder if I had everything I wanted would I still find something amiss? Something to complain about?
I know I shouldn't keep myself up wondering with hypotheticals, but then what?
Wondering about hypothetical situations has become my pasttime. (I'm too poor to keep up with the Jones' these days.) So I while away my hours preparing myself for situations that never come to fruition...
But then again, maybe I'm just hormonal.
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