Ok, so I lied...

The hiatus didn't start right when I said it was going to, but momma is here now, so NOW I am on hiatus.

Momma seems to think that I will still be blogging while she is here, but we all know my momma is a very silly lady, and that sometimes she just makes stuff up.

I'll be busy hanging out with her, and we will be very busy wreaking havoc on the windy city, so you'd be better off not wasting your time looking for many updates over the weekend.

Hey, a girl's gotta have a little life, you know!?!?

WHOA!!!!

We all know that Hollywood is pretty much all tapped out for new ideas and material. And we all know that because of that incredible idea shortage the industry folks have resorted to re-making the better films of days gone by... and they usually end up completely botching the job. I mean you know the studio folks are hurting when intelligent people like me and my readers are anxiously awaiting the release of "Snakes On A Plane" ... FOR REAL.

But I was considering some other re-makes, and to be honest, I REALLY want to see this one!

Carrie's mom told you!!!

You remember that old horror flick "Carrie"? OF COURSE YOU DOOOOO!

And it was Carrie's mom who told you, "They're all going to laugh at you!"

And she was RIGHT! (And personally, I think this video is WAYYYY the hell creepier than seeing Carrie covered in pig's blood preparing to go on her rampage!)




But then again, I'm just creeped out by little Asian girls... Just ask Ling Wong!

DEATHTRAP DISNEY!!!

Seriously, for all you fine folks with kids out there, unless you're looking to cash in that Gerber grow-up policy, KEEP THE HELL AWAY FROM DISNEY WORLD!

Disney World has claimed yet another life.

Before today, the only life-threatening ride was that piece of crap "Mission: Space" but now they've added another treacherous trap that the whole family can enjoy. This time it was the "Rockin' Roller Coaster."

Those bitches need to change their tagline to something like: "Come see Mickey and Minnie, take your pants off to look like those pedophile characters Donald and Winnie the Pooh, and while you're here, enjoy some really KILLER RIDES! ...Oh yeah, and you can get some from Snow White, she's not nearly as pure as the name implies."

I suck...

I've become aware that in recent weeks/months, the writing has really dropped off the bottom of the charts. I'm sorry the writing sucks here lately. I don't know what's come over me. I'll try to do better, I promise.

I'm a poop.

Where the hell is Matt?

I was trolling the internet, and I found THIS!



And then I saw there was an even newer version, with even more exotic locations!!!



Basically, it's this guy, traipsing all over the globe, dancing like a damn fool... And I think it is the brilliance that can only be achieved by some kind of idiot savant with a bankroll!

If you're curious to find out more about Matt and his idiotic dancing, please feel free to check out his site here!

Another weekend hiatus...

Ok, my darling little chickadees, here's the deal, I haven't seen my mom since Christmas.

My saintly mother is coming up this weekend, and it's entirely possible that I won't get around to doing much in the way of blogging while she is here. Six months without a momma means I am going to utilize every possible moment to get my momma fix! (Dustin, I know if you are reading this, you are thinking to yourself that you just WISH that you could go that long without seeing your mother... Well, I can't do that!)

In the meantime, I will be doing dishes, and laundry, and otherwise preparing for her arrival!

YAAAAAAY MOMMA!

(Back Monday-ish.)

Home is where the heart is...

I recently found out that my mom will be selling the house that I grew up in. While this is a very practical thing, I don't exactly know how I feel about it. I mean I know that I don't live there now, nor have I lived there for several years, I am still kind of feeling like I am losing part of my innocence. The place I've called home for so long will now belong to someone else, and I won't be able to go back and run through the halls where I created so many memories.

I won't be able to wash my face in the pedestal sink that I used for my greatest April fool's day prank. And I won't be able to sit on the window box in the living room remembering looking out at the schoolyard while talking on the phone to boys.

Yes, I know the important thing is that I carry the memories of that home with me, so the physical home itself is not really so important, but still, the attachment is there.

Its a strange thing to feel like you can never go home again... At least not to the place you thought of as home.

Adventures with the Admiral...

As you might be able to tell from that last post, I was just too damn exhausted after the weekend festivities to think straight. Well, here it is, the long awaited vacation post!

Seeing as I am kinda living on a budget at the moment, and that a plane ticket would have been more than twice as expensive, I got to Ohio via Greyhound bus... Let me just start out by noting that the fine folks at Greyhound have no real concept of customer service. (And apparently they don't understand what the term "departure time" REALLY means either.) So I got on the bus at 3 AM (because I wanted to arrive in the early afternoon) and almost as soon as we were on our way we encountered problems. We had just left the city of Chicago, and most of the passengers were sleeping fitfully when we have a very rude awakening telling us via loudspeaker that we will be turning back because the bus is broken and not shifting gears, so we will need to wake up, gather our stuff and board another bus. (GRRRRRR.)

So we get on this second bus, which seemingly had problems with the air conditioning system, and tried to sleep through fits of shivers and teeth chattering.

I won't bore you with the rest of the trip, but suffice it to say that it was equally unpleasant.

And then I got to Ohio!

Kirsten welcomed me with open arms, and gave me a tour of Columbus, and our repoire picks up as though we hadn't seen each other in 3.5 hours instead of 3.5 YEARS.

We then meet up with Kirsten's older sister, Kelly. And as a trio we head out to Kirsten's favorite haunt, a lovely little place called "Woody's Sports Club."

Kirsten (The Admiral) is the one on the left, Kelly is the one on the right.

Now it should be noted that Kelly is a particular breed of asshole, and that she is COMPLETELY out of touch with reality. (We'll get to that!)

Kirsten looked cute in this picture, so I decided to post it even though I look like total dog shit.


After a long evening of drinking ENTIRELY too much alcohol of entirely too many varieties we went back to The Admiral's apartment and crashed hard, because her parents were coming at 10:00 AM to help with moving some of Kelly's furniture. Now as I noted before, Kelly is an out-of-touch-with-reality asshole of the grandest possible proportions. And even though it was her stuff being moved, she was not present for the actual physical labor. (The reason that she was not present was that she was supposed to be at a wedding.) So when Kirsten's parents and little sister Tricia showed up at 10 AM, we got our slightly hungover asses in gear and tried to get Kelly's crap moved as quickly as possible. And after we loaded it all into the truck, before we went to Kelly's new place to drop things off, we stopped for lunch. And while we were enjoying our meal, Kelly called.

Kirsten looks at her mother and says, "Wait, what? SHE'S STILL IN TOWN?" to which the reply was yes. Kirsten begins seething with rage at this point and can't believe that even though Kelly was still in town that she was unable to help with moving a load of her stuff. So we wrap up lunch and head over to Kelly's where we find her not dressed and ready to attend a wedding, but in a tank top and jean shorts, eating a triple cheeseburger, a salad, fries, and a giant coke.

Kirsten's purse apparently spilled in Kelly's car at some point when we were on our way home from Woody's, and Kelly had found a few things in the car, prompting the following exchange:

Kelly: "Hey, Kirst, your stuff is over there on the counter."
Liz: "Hey, Kelly, YOUR STUFF is out in the truck... How about you come help us move it."
Kelly: "I can't. I'm leaving in 5 minutes."
[Kirsten, Tricia, and I go outside to move stuff because Kelly is too busy with her cheeseburger to help.]
Tricia: "She had WAAAAAY more than 5 minutes worth of food in front of her!"
[Kelly slams the door.]
(My quote instantly becomes legendary, because apparently nobody even bothers to call Kelly out on her assholishness anymore.)

Eventually Kelly came out to at least direct where things were to be placed, and after the truck was unloaded we all got back in and marvelled that she was so unable to help because of that wedding she was attending and then because of that giant cheeseburger, and the conversation then shifted to other topics. About 20 minutes later, the rest of us are all talking about politics and such, and Tricia in a loud, deep voice calls out, "CHEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!!" a few moments later, again we are still talking about other things and again we hear Tricia call out, "CHEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!!" followed shortly again by "CHEEEEEEEEESEBURGER!!!" at which point it occurs to me that I am the only one even fazed by this repetitive announcement and I turn to her and ask what the hell she is doing. Apparently she had been hypnotized by the way Kelly was lustfully consuming her burger and couldn't get it out of her head... (It is entirely possible that this isn't the least bit funny to you, but I assure you, that it was BEYOND hilarious to us.)

After the parents left, Kirsten and I went shopping and came home to await Scott's arrival from work. (And we played with Toby.)


And when Scott got home, we ordered pizza, got some beer, and went out to play some cornhole with the neighbors.


Now as much as I enjoy cornhole, I am not that great at it, and I don't have many opportunities to play and improve my skills.


So I left it to the pros, while consuming lots of alcohol.


And then some dogs showed up, and provided us with a good 45 minutes worth of animal-porn entertainment... In the foreplay period, I got this picture, which might be the scariest picture ever taken of the cutest dog... because basically, the dog looks like a hellhound.


And when it was too dark for any more cornhole, we moved the festivities inside, where we played dice games for drinks, and Kirsten scared us with a raptor immitation worthy of the Jurrassic Park films.


And since we had packed up the kitchen for the big move to take place on Sunday, a can opener was not available... But Scott is useful like that.

And then he picked on Kirsten for a little while... Which was cute.

And after a whole lot of drinking, talking, playing drinking games, and other assorted nonsense, we went to bed.

And when we got up on Sunday morning we found that Toby was ready to move!


So then we continued the packing and moving process and got Toby, Kirsten, and Scott into their lovely new home!

The rest of Sunday was spent unpacking, re-organizing, going to dinner and watching "The Ringer" because we are the kind of people who enjoy that kind of awful humor.

And Monday morning rolled around, and I went to the Greyhound station and continued to make notes of their TERRIBLE services.

But more importantly, I had an AWESOME time. I am hoping that we will be getting together much more often, and now that I am home, here are the quotes!

QOTD

"Sometimes I wish I was like James Bond and I had machine guns in my headlights... Because then I could just shoot all the idiots out today... Seriously, I have flicked off an insane number of people today!" ~Kirsten

[Out of the blue] "You know, Britney Spears should totally do celebrity fit club!" ~Kirsten

Kirsten: "So I couldn't find my debit card for like 2 weeks... and then all of a sudden I found it in my purse, wrapped in a huge wad of Iraqi dinar [Iraqi money]"
Tricia: "Why was your debit card wrapped up in a wad of dinar in your purse?"
Pam: "More importantly, why are you carrying around Iraqi money in your purse?"
Kirsten: "I don't know I guess I just wanted to go do some shopping in downtown Baghdad!"

"LET'S CALL MOMMA!"~ Repeated through weekend by all parties.

"Hey! Scott's asleep, LET'S GO JUMP ON HIM!"~ Kirsten

"You know, terrorists run that gas station... and I know I couldn't say that with anyone but you in the car, but seriously, their gas is ALWAYS like 20 cents cheaper per gallon, and I'm convinced its because they have a direct connection!" ~Kirsten

"Kirsten, if you let Tim make you cry, the terrorists win!" ~Liz

"I just really REALLY wanted to do that... It made me feel like a spy!" ~ Kirsten on using a REALLY hard turn in an empty parking lot to turn around the car.

Kirsten: "Can I put the broomstick up your butt? Please?? I'll be gentle! I promise!!"
Scott: "No you won't!"
Kirsten: "You can tell we've had that conversation a time or two.

"CHEEEEEEEEEEESEBURGER!" ~ Everyone

"Hey, your stuff is out in the truck, how about you come help move it." ~Everyone

Kirsten: "That's the thing I love about Scott... He's half Japanese... If you prick him he'll bleed soy sauce."

Liz: "You guys are going to think I am really awful for saying this, but on bus on the way here, I deliberately sat in front of the deaf people who were speaking in sign language because all I wanted to do was sleep, and I knew for a fact that they weren't going to be loud."
Kirsten: "I don't think that's awful at all... I mean to be honest, its just good sense."

Kirsten: "He should just mutter in retard that he was hitting on the other girl."
Liz: "Did you just use the phrase 'Mutter in retard?'"
Kirsten: Yeah... Well... BUT HE SHOULD!!

Scott: "Why are they in a bar watching the Special Olympics?"
Liz: "Why are the Special Olympics even televised there?"
Scott: "YEAH! Who is airing the Special Olympics?"
Kirsten: "Maybe they are being aired on W-T-A-R-D."
Scott: "Let me guess their tagline... 'A special network for special people?'"

"Drinking a gin and tonic is like drinking mountains!" ~Kirsten

"When the FUCK did we get ice cream?" ~ Everyone

"Popo Zao!" ~Everyone

I'm BAAAAAAAAACK...

As I type these words, I lack the energy to think clearly, let alone get up and move far enough to get my camera so that I can download the pictures. (There aren't many pictures anyway... we were too busy with drinking and moving to take that many.)

Just check back later in the day (BE SURE TO REFRESH THE PAGE!) because I want to to the events justice, and right now, that would SO not happen.

Be good my darlings, and I suppose you'll be seeing me later on!

Promise you'll miss me!

Well, my bags are packed, and I am off to Ohio.

I'll be back Monday afternoon, so don't come around here looking for your Happy Hour jones to be filled until then. But when I do get back, look for some really great quotes, and at least one or two hilarious stories... Because Kirsten and I bring out the absolute BEST in each other.

There will be no stopping us!

GOD, I AM SOOOOOOO EXCITED I COULD PEE MY PANTS!

(Mom, I'm going to need you to go ahead and clear out your schedule for the weekend, because you know you're going to get drunk dialed like every 20 minutes... Until we pass out anyway.)

You obviously don't know who you're dealing with...

Here's how it is.

Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. This morning, despite THE GROSSEST of GROSS humidity ever, was a good morning. The newest shipment of summer plants came in, and was mostly set up by the time I got in, and after about an hour of filling in the empty spots on the display tables, an order of plants from another company came in. This other company is a little funny about leaving their racks at the store so that the customers can shop off of them... And by funny about it, I mean they don't do it. Which means the customers are either shopping off the ground in an area that is not set up for shoppers, or the stuff sits in the sun on the side of the building where it bakes all damn day. So we just shift them onto our racks so that the customers can shop off of them. Shifting the items from the racks that don't stay to racks belonging to my company, while not difficult, is time consuming. So we spent about 45 minutes to an hour working on that.

It should be noted that it took 45 minutes to an hour utilizing the efforts of 4 people, and once we filled up our racks we had to move them into a shoppable area. This of course means that we have to shift the racks that are already in place to accomodate the new stuff... And we do this rain or shine, heat and humidity, while customers are shopping, and by shopping, I mean harassing us for stupid bullshit while we're clearly busy.

Now like I said before, it was humid as all hell, and we were busy with the new merchandise coming in, it was still a good morning. And despite the fact that I was busy with racks, I repeatedly answered questions like this:

Customer #1: Excuse me, how much is this hanging basket?
Me: $3.99
Customer #2: REALLY?
Me: Yep. $3.99... REALLY.
Customer #1: And what about this one?
Me: They are ALL $3.99.
Customer #2: That's a great deal! WOW!
Customer #1: And what about this one? Is this one $3.99 too?
Me: Yes. They are ALL $3.99
[I go back to moving two 800 lb racks.]
Customer #2: Excuse me... If you're not too busy, but how much is this one?
Me: Ma'am, that one is $3.99 too. Just like all of them on the racks marked $3.99.
Customer #2: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.

A little while later an order of vegetables comes in. As I am moving the vegetables into the right area Customer #2 approaches me again and we have the following exchange:

Customer #2: UMM, EX-CUH-UUUUUSE ME, where are the delphiniums?
Me: I have no idea. I only work for the annual company.
C #2: WHAT? You don't know?
Me: No. I work for the annual company. I only know the annuals. Delphiniums are not from my company. You'd have to talk to someone who knows about perrennials. Linda could help you. She's over there.
C #2: Is she from the perrennial company?
Me: No. She works for the store. There isn't anyone from the perrennial company here today.
C #2: So YOOOOOOOUUU don't know anything. NOBODY from the perrennial company is here! What am I supposed to do?
Me: Ma'am, I already mentioned that you could talk to Linda, she works for the store, and she would know where to find everything.
C #2:[please note that the following is DRIPPING with sarcasm] YEAH... SURE... Well is there a reason you're just so nice?
Me: EXCUSE ME?
C #2: I guess you're just having a bad day?
Me: EXCUSE ME??? (Please note that I said "Excuse me??" but I was thinking, "Well, no, I was having a good day until you came along, and if you want to know about a bad day, I'll punch you in the face and show you a bad day.")
C #2: I don't need this. I'm leaving.
Me: HAVE A GOOD DAY!

Clearly this bitch didn't know who she was talking to... and if she hadn't had a small child in the cart with her, I would have dished out a few choice words, because after all, I just work for the annual company. And apparently I don't know anything.

But one thing I do know is that all of you will vouch for me when I say I. WILL. SHANK. A. BITCH.

After this slut left, I went on to have a perfectly lovely and productive day. And that is all.

Here endeth the work rant.

Sorry, I just had to get that out.

I guess I just have that effect on people...

I bartended a party back in December. (Second portion of this post.) And at that party, a married guy started hitting on me.

Tonight I was sitting in my apartment, on the phone with my dear friend Mark, and someone else beeps in. I look to see who it is... IT'S MARRIED GUY.

I stayed on the phone with Mark, because I wasn't about to break off my conversation for the married guy who is inexplicably calling me after 6 months.

He left me a voicemail. After I finished my call, made a couple other calls, and talked to my mom via instant messenger, I checked my voicemail. Among the messages there was a garbled mess from the married guy. I literally couldn't understand a single word of the message other than two digits of his phone number which was already in my phone.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: I have NO intention whatsoever of messing with married guy. That's not my bag!

But...

I will let married guy buy me drinks while I toy with him... Because if he's not playing it straight with his wife, he deserves to suffer the world-famous Lizzle tease, and pay for my drinks.

It's kind of like the strip club... You want the pleasure of my company, FINE. You pay, I play, and at the end of the night, you go home to your wife, I go home to my fabulous bed... And the best part is that I don't even need to come up with a cheesy stripper name like Cristal, or Alexis, or Cinnamon.

Jeez, and I was worried I wouldn't have anything to post for you kids today!

Seriously... I am how old???

I know that as someone who has successfully put the tragically awkward years of puberty behind me, I should be totally past this kind of thing.

Seriously. I'm not 12. Hell... I'm more than a decade past all that mess!!!

And yet, I was reading this article online, and I totally snickered at the name mentioned at the end of the first paragraph.

Seriously, I am plagued with the gutter-level humor of a teenaged boy on some unconscious level.

There has to be an age limit on this kind of thing, RIGHT??????

Useless trivia 101...

Ok, here's the thing. I have been hurting for a post-worthy topic lately. (And I've noticed a lot of you out there have gone through similar creative droughts lately... The timing is kinda funny.) And while commenting over at Jay's I thought of a way to spend some time combing through the crap in my head and post something for you crazy kids.

And since I am reknowned in my circle of friends as being a trivia head, I decided to compose a post of 101 random facts that have lodged in my brain. (Seriously, I should work for Parker Brothers coming up with cards for Trivial Pursuit!) And so here are 101 pretty much totally, utterly, and completely useless facts. You can probably go out on a search of the encyclopedic knowledge on the internet and verify this crap, but I'm telling you, this is the crap that was already trapped in my head. Enjoy! (The template on my blog prevents the numbers from showing up as anything other than bullet-points, but trust me, there are 101.)

Here we go!

1. The longest word in the standard English language (which does not include things like scientific names, etc.) is "flauccipaucinihilipilification" which is pronounced 'flossy-possy-nee-hil-a-pill-if-ic-ation' and means "to estimate something as worthless."
2. Aardvarks have tubular teeth.
3. Triscadecaphobia is the fear of the number 13.
4. Proportional to it's size, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body.
5. There are no nerve endings in the brain.
   
6. (For Markus) Annually, sharks attack more males than females. Scientists have yet to uncover an explanation for this.
7. A male spider's penis is located at the end of one of it's legs.
8. At birth, a human baby has 300 bones. As an adult, the same human will have only 206 bones.
9. Ironically, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
10. The average adult has between 40 and 50 billion fat cells. In each person the number of fat cells is fixed, fluctuations in the size of those fat cells accounts for size changes during weight loss or gain.
    
11. Wearing earphones for one hour causes the naturally occurring bacteria in the ear to multiply at 17 times greater speed.
12. Evolutionarily, the purpose of earwax is to keep small bugs from nesting in the ear.
13. Brain cells are the only cells in the entire human body that do not regenerate.
14. Pigeons have 8 different methods of navigation, if they lose the use of one or more senses, they are still able to navigate and find a destination through the use of their other tools.
15. The human kidney filters contaminants from the blood by filtering it through a series of tiny tubes that total nearly 40 miles in length.
16. A human's tongue print is as unique as his/her fingerprint.
17. At any given moment, there are approximately 15,ooo people in a coma in the U.S.
18. George Washington died the last hour of the last day of the last week of the last month of the last year of the 18th century.
19. Actor Steve McQueen encouraged his karate teacher to pursue a career in acting. The teacher? Chuck Norris.
20. It is possible to housebreak an armadillo.
21. Early Native Americans never ate turkeys. To kill such a timid bird was thought of as "lazy."
    
22. The average peapod contains 8 peas.
23. Most grandfather clocks with metal pendulums lose time in warm weather. This phenomenon occurs because most solids expand when heated. In the case of the clock, the higher temperature makes the metal pendulum longer, and thus slower.
24. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
25. The fish bowl was invented by one of the mistresses of Louis XV.
26. Bamboo can grow up to three feet in a 24 hour period.
27. An oak tree does not produce acorns until it is over 50 years old.
28. Jupiter is by far the largest planet in our solar system, it is so big that all of the other planets could fit together inside a hollow Jupiter.
29. The act that Americans and the English refer to as a "French kiss" is known to the French as an "English kiss."
30. The word "Movado" means "dance" in Espironto.
31. To date, scientists have not yet figured out how a cat purrs.
32. Peppermint is a common household remedy for upset stomachs.
33. The human eye is the only organ that has reached it's full size at the time of birth.
34. Orca whales are capable of killing sharks by diving to great depths, swimming up under the shark, and ramming it in the soft underside. This tactic causes the shark to explode.
35. A duck's quack does not echo.
36. (For Brenda) The official state beverage of North Carolina is milk.
37. (For Hollywood) Chili is the official state dish of Texas.
38. Only female mosquitoes bite.
39. The first item ever to be commercially sold with a barcode on the packaging was Wrigley's gum.
40. Tooth enamel is the hardest substance produced by the human body.
41. The femur is the strongest bone in the human body.
    
42. Spider's silk has more than 5 times the tensile strength of spun steel of the same gauge.
43. Mosquitoes are most attracted to the color blue.
44. A pint of Guinness beer has fewer calories than an 8 oz. glass of skim milk.
45. The crack of a whip is caused by the end of the whip travelling faster than the speed of sound. It is essentially a small scale sonic boom.
46. It is impossible for a human female to have a menstrual period if she has less than 12% body fat.
47. Dried bananas have more than 4 times more nutrional value than a fresh banana.
48. Vodka has many diverse uses, including being an ideal cleanser for diamonds, and a solvent to remove adhesives.
49. The original Ford Model T was only available in Black.
50. Passing gas in an astronaut's space suit actually damages the suit.
51. When the Ancient Egyptians mummified their dead, they used a long slender hook to pull the brain out through the nose of the deceased.
52. Bubbles are round because the air pressure inside is evenly distributed, this causes all points of the bubble to be equally distant from the center.
53. Rain drops are not actually pear shaped as commonly depicted. They are flat on the bottom.
54. All polar bears are left handed.
55. Dolphins rest by shutting off one half of their brain at a time.
56. Rats can go longer without water than camels.
57. Camels do not store water in their humps, they retain water because of a membrane in the nose.
    
58. Cats have 3 eyelids per eye.
59. Yanni is a former member of the Greek national swim team.
60. The cement in the center of the Hoover Dam is still not dry.
61. Sound travels through solids and liquids significantly faster than it travels through air.
62. Water is a unique chemical compound that displays several scientifically notable unique properties. For example, hot water weighs more than cold water, water increases in volume when frozen, and hot water freezes faster than cold water.
63. The one hundred billionth crayon made by the Crayola company was periwinkle blue.
64. Kinkajous have a tail that is twice as long as their body. They roll it up every night and use it as a pillow.
65. The abbreviation for Chicago's O'Hare airport is ORD because until 1949 it was known as "Orchard Place."
66. Children grow more in the spring and gain more weight in the fall.
67. When sneezing, all body functions temporarily stop. Even the heart beat.
68. The loss of a toe would cause your body's sense of balance to be thrown off.
69. The Mona Lisa is painted on a piece of pine wood.
70. The entire island of Manhattan was purchased from the Native American tribe who lived there for an estimated cost of $24.
71. Presently pennies are been made with only a small amount of copper, if the coins were pure copper, the value of the raw material would be greater than the value assigned to the penny.
    
72. Leonardo DaVinci could paint or draw with one hand while wrtiting text with the other.
73. White chocolate is not really chocolate.
74. The liquid inside baby coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
75. It takes over a week to make a jellybean.
76. The book of Esther is the only book in the bible that does not mention "God."
    
77. In the first Boston Marathon there were only 15 competitors. Ten of them finished the race.
78. Seventy percent of common house dust is actually human skin flakes.
79. The average I.Q. is 100. Mental retardation is quantified by an I.Q. of 70 or below, and a genius-level I.Q. is 140 or greater.
    
80. The world's most expensive spice is saffron.
81. The statistical probability that you will be murdered is one in 20,000.
82. The longest continuous game of Monopoly on record lasted over 70 straight days. The longest game of Monopoly in a bathtub lasted 99 hours.
83. The bible is the best-selling book of all time. Ironically, it is also the most frequently shoplifted book.
84. The lowest point in the US is Death Valley, CA.
    
85. The smallest independent nation is Vatican City. Geographically, the Vatican is one square mile, and politically they are a sovereign state.
86. When viewed from above, rainbows are doughnut shaped.
87. Brontology is the study of Thunder.
88. Diamonds will not dissolve in acid.
89. A cubic mile of fog contains less than one gallon of water.
90. (For Mel) The most popular item for tourists to bring back from Holland is a pair of wooden shoes, known as klompen.
91. The first ballpoint pens were sold for $12 each.
92. Most men with moustaches are allergic to their own facial hair, because the moustaches trap allergens.
93. Crocodiles cannot stick out their tongues.
94. (For Marcia) The corkscrew was originally invented in 1890.
95. The average toilet bowl has a life span of just over 50 years.
96. Statistics have shown that Monday is the favorite day on which to commit suicide.
97. In most advertisments for time pieces (watches and clocks) the time on the clock is 10:10. Market research showed that the angle of the hands resembled a smile, and caused consumers to associate the clock with a pleasant feeling.
98. (For Ciara) There is a law that requires every citizen in the state of Kentucky to bathe once a year.
99. The San Francisco cable cars are the nation's only mobile national monument.
100. (For Joyce) The Hawaii state fish is the humuhumunukunukuapu'a. (pronounced hoo-moo-hoo-moo-noo-koo-noo-koo-ah-poo-ahh)
101. An average roll of toilet paper has 333 squares of tissue.

You know what I need???

A FRICKIN' VACATION!

Last night I was thinking to myself that I needed to get away for a while and get some perspective on things. Yeah the annual drunken debauchery that is my family reunion is coming up, but not soon enough... that's a whole month away!

And so I got to thinking.

I am pretty damn poor, so the options were pretty damn limited. And so I said to myself, "Liz, you really need to get away from everything for a little bit. You need to get the hell out of the city for a few days. But what can you afford? Where can you go on a minimum budget? HOW FRICKIN' LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE SEEN YOUR FRICKIN' BEST FRIEND?"

And so I decided that it is time to remedy this problem.

I ran the idea by my mom, who thought it was brilliant, because she knows I've been in a funk lately. And I sent a quick e-mail to the admiral to make sure she was up to it... And considering we haven't seen each other in over three years, she was pretty damn excited. And so, next weekend, I am off to Columbus, Ohio... and considering I am only going to Ohio for a weekend, I don't know that I've ever been so excited to take a vacation that won't even get me out of the midwestern U.S.

Seriously... I'm EXCITED to go to OHIO!

This is going to ROCK... And its totally giving me a reason to get out of bed in the morning!!!! (Because I have tomorrow off.)

I got nothin'...

Seriously, there's nothing at all going on.

I just felt like I couldn't go and leave you all high and dry with no post today. So I'll keep it short and sweet.

Here's a really drunk girl singing about one of my favorite beverages, VODKA! She is clearly smashed, but this quality tune mentions everything from loving life, flocks of ants, birds with vodka, earthworms eating cheesburgers, and how vodka is yummy in your tummy.

That is all.

PICTURES (As promised)

Remember that day I spent at the beach? Well this is the beach I went to. And today is another perfect day... I'm thinking of skipping all the errands I was going to run today and going back!


Seriously, seagulls, fine sand, and blue water as far as the eye can see... You're seething with jealousy, I can tell! (I hate seagulls... But they are not very bothersome at my beach.)


Yup... I think another day at the beach is in order!


And here is my new orchid. 4 beautiful stems chock full of flowers! Isn't she pretty?


And here's the basket I bought for my dear, sweet, sainted mother... I like it a lot, and I think momma will too!

Just a short little number...

I don't have a whole lot to report at the moment, so I'll just give you some quick updates...

• My foot is better. The hole is almost completely closed in the bottom layer of my foot, the higher layers will take a little more time to close up and develop a proper heel callous... But I'm walking without a limp or any discomfort, so I am considering it a successful healing.
• It is true that I work for a flower company, and the vast majority of the time I just want to throw all of the flowers in a dumpster and let the customers fend for themselves, but in the last several days, I've made two flower purchases of my own. I bought my mom a hanging basket that has purple angelonia and green hanging vines in it, and I bought myself a new orchid. My old orchid, Chloe is still alive, but I needed to re-pot her anyway, and since the store only had the giant bag of orchid potting material, I decided to go ahead and get another orchid to keep her company, and just repot them both. So now I have two happy little orchids in matching pots... The new one needs a name. I'll post pictures for you kids to see later... The camera needs to charge at the moment because I forgot I left it in my bag last week when I went to the beach... I'll post those pictures later too.
• To those of you who commented on the Chads and Trixies: I guess I forgot to mention something rather important... Chads and Trixies are REAL, and they are actually PROUD to call themselves Chads and Trixies... I'm not kidding! I wish I were! They are very serious about it. I'll let you know when the Trixie page is back up... It's a site you really don't want to miss! (If anything, you'll only understand more of the reasons I despise them.)
• And now I leave you with The Hat Show.
  

I guess that's all for now. Check back later for pictures.

Please don't hate me...

I realize that a lot of my recent posts have been very negative and whiny.

I don't like being that girl. If I'm that girl, I might as well be wearing a pink baseball cap for a team that looks like it has an inviting bandwagon, drinking wine coolers, and bitching that my manicurist took a day off when I wanted to get my nails done.

I REALLY don't want to be that girl. REALLY... Like a whole lot.

Next thing you know I'm going to turn into a Lincoln Park Trixie and I'll be Chad hunting before you know it. (For those of you not familiar with Trixies and Chads, they are the WORST of the Chicago yuppies, and of course, as a yummie, I despise them... To learn more, you will have to visit the Lincoln Park Chad Society page, as the Lincoln Park Trixie page is getting a bikini wax and a facial at Elizabeth Arden or something.)

If I turn into one of those Trixie pods, someone needs to fly to Chicago and promptly end my life. If you're worried about the cost of plane fare, don't be. I'll be dead, so you will have no encumberance to hinder you from looting my apartment... And I've got some pretty rad stuff if I do say so myself. (Just leave those black and blue Charles David croc mules that I love so much... I'd like to be buried in those if it's all the same to you.)

Anyway I'll quit boring you now. Have a fun day at work my angels! I'll try not to be such a miserable stinker in the future.

I won't steal her thunder...

I wrote a post on matters of the heart... I actually wrote it on Friday. I had some trouble finishing it though, in part because I wasn't really sure where I wanted to go with the post, and partly because I didn't feel like I was really ready to confront the matters of the heart that I really ought to be dealing with. Its been a couple of days, and after mulling it over for entirely too long, I've still not come up with a satisfactory conclusion, and so it remains in the draft pile for now.

Debbie has been dealing with a lot of matters of the heart lately too. Its a little bit strange, really. I was reading parts of her post, and thinking about how I'd written nearly the exact same thing about parts of my own emotional dilemma only a short while ago. And while part of me wants to reach out and advise Debbie with regards to her situation, I couldn't do it with a clear conscience, knowing that I can't unravel the most significant parts of my own problems... Basically I felt like I had no place advising anyone else on much of anything.

I don't know when you'll ever see that post, but I'll keep working on it... And I'll keep working out my problems, and let you know what I come up with, if anything.



On a completely unrelated note, I recently found out that my psychotic former-roommate, Jennie, is leaving the city. She got a job in Louisville, Kentucky and is leaving the city in the next couple of weeks. I haven't really gotten into former-roommate drama stuff here, but those who know me personally, and have met or heard the tales of crazy Jennie, are rejoicing in their own ways, because the city of Chicago will officially have one less clinically certifiably insane person. She might be missed by SOMEONE... But it won't be me... Or anyone I know.



QOTD

Erin: "Hey! Let's re-enact scenes from dirty dancing!?"
Kerry: "Which ones?"
Liz: "Yeah, because I'm not grinding on your leg, we're not gonna hump, and we're certainly not doing the lift!"


[Erin, seated on a flatbed cart at Home Depot, doing a beauty queen wave to no one in particular]
Erin: "I'm the queen of the depot!"
Liz: "If she's queen of the depot, I'm guessing it's because she's still got all her own teeth."

Erin: "Damn, that guy is skinny."
Liz: "Christ, look at his achilles! Wow."
Kerry: "That's a great pickup line. 'You know you've got some really great achilles tendons!'"
Liz: "Its only a great pickup line if you finish it off with something like, 'Whaddya say we work 'em out together?'"

Thinking of you...

This evening after a long day's work, I was half-snoozing on my bed, when my computer mooed at me... This is not an unusual occurrence.

My computer moos at me every time I get the first instant message from anyone. And it seems to me that people only ever seem to instant message me when I'm either snoozing or half-snoozing.

Responding to the moo, I see that it's my friend Kevin.

Kevin and I went to college together. We had a flirtatious period late my freshman year. And then he transferred to another university. Had that not been the case, I'd say we probably would have dated, but as it is, we just had that flirtation.

So Kevin wanted to know what I was up to, how life was treating me, etc. (Clearly, while he is my friend, he is not a happy hour reader.) I was more than a little shocked by this sudden contact, if only because I hadn't heard anything from him in probably two years.

So after a little while spent playing catch-up, I asked him why he decided to get back in touch all of a sudden.

He told me that he was thinking of me, and that every so often he wonders how I am and what I'm doing. He paid me a couple of other compliments and we chatted a little while longer, but the long and short of it was that he missed me and just wanted to catch up a little bit.

I like those kinds of conversations. The ones that let you know that even though you've kind of lost touch with some people, occasionally they still think of you. Its nice to hear that you're missed by someone.

I don't know where I was really going with this... But I needed a topic for today, and this was the best I could come up with given the fact that so little is going on with my personal life lately.

QOTD

Mel is just racking up the quotes lately...

Liz: "Ugh, I'm bored... and I don't live in a corn field."
Mel: "Well, I live by a Taco John's and I'm bored too."

LIARS!!!!

When I got my new phone, I had to pay off my old service to get my new service activated. A couple of weeks ago, I got a call saying that I owed them some money. After talking to 5 different people in 5 different departments, it was ruled that I had in fact paid the balance off and that it was their mistake.

Skip ahead to this afternoon. I called to check my voicemail and find that my service has been suspended. Why? Because someone thinks I still owe them money. This makes someone a LIAR.

So I call to resolve this issue. And after 45 minutes they said that I could pay it or dispute the charge... of course disputing the charge meant that I'd be without phone service, which can't be done, so I just said let's just pay it and get it the hell over with.

And then they try to stick me with a $36.00 service re-instatement fee... OH HELL NO.

After some cajolling and being transferred two more times, I talked to someone who was sympathetic to my plight and waived the re-instatement fee. Good. Now we're talking.

While we're on the subject of liars, those bitches at the Dr. Scholl's company are chock full o' lies too!

Considering I've been hobbling around for well over a week now, and now that I am almost back to walking normally, I decided to invest in some of those gel insoles that you see advertised in those obnoxious commercials every 20 minutes. The verdict? Guilty of LYING to me! If anything, those fuckers made my feet hurt worse after a day at work... Not better. And so I am starting a campaign to quash the myth that those things are any good at all. They're not!

LIARS!!!!

Ok, so here's a QOTD, courtesy of Mel. (Actually it's a conversational excerpt, but here it is anyway.) It should be noted that Mel is of Dutch decendency... She's Dutch. VERY DUTCH.

Mel: "I have a dull life!"
Liz: "You live in Iowa now... that's to be expected."
Mel: "Very true... tulip festival is over."
Liz: "AWWWWWW."
Mel: "All we have now is moc-fv baseball"
Mel: http://octulipfestival.com/
Liz: "and how's that getting you through the summer."
Mel: "Not so much... It costs $4 to get in... to watch HIGH SCHOOL baseball!"
Liz: "GROSS"
Mel: "Check out the link"
Liz: "It's GLORIOUS!!!!"
Mel: "We're dorks... at least the Irish drink, so any mishaps can be blamed on the alcohol. This is a bunch of sober people that play the game "vande fear" because "vande" is a popular suffix to many a dutch last name."
Liz: "Oh, you and your sad blonde people."
Mel: "YEAH it was too Dutch for even me!"

If you need to find me this summer...

The day was sunny and bright. The lake was cool and blue. The sand was fine and warm. There wasn't a cloud in the perfectly blue sky. And I was there. And it was GLORIOUS. I am not kidding. the day was utterly perfect. You really should've been there!

...Oh, that's right you were being a productive member of society.

After I had properly roasted the paler parts of me, I reluctantly left the beach, and went to see Anthony. And I went with him on the final walk-through at his new condo, making me the first person other than his real estate agent, who happens to be our buddy Dave, to actually see the inside of his new home... And the kicker? He has a pool!

So you can bet that I will be found lounging my summer days away poolside... And on days when Anthony has to work, and won't turn over the keys, I'll probably head back to the beach, because it was really just. that. fabulous!

While at the beach, I had the following phone conversation with Anthony which is today's QOTD:

(I called him while he was at work)
Anthony: "Hello?"
Liz: "It is a PERFECT day at the beach."
Anthony: "You know, you are a PERFECT asshole for calling me at work to say that."
Liz: "Well, I was actually calling to see what I could bring you from Starbucks when I stopped by later... But if I'm a PERFECT asshole, I'd hate to ruin my PERFECT record!"
Anthony: "Oh... Well, in that case, you're an IMPERFECT asshole."
Liz: "Given the option, I can save four bucks and remain perfect, or spend my hard earned money and become imperfect... Seems like a no-brainer... You're lucky I love you enough to compromise my own perfection."
Anthony: "I guess I'm just lucky to have you."

Before I run to the beach, I thought I'd share this with you...

This might be a really great self defense video, teaching me all kinds of things to do in a bar fight, but I wouldn't know, because I am too busy cracking up at this guy's homespun fighting sound effects. (We all know I'd be too drunk to remember any of this guy's tips anyway, and honestly, who looks at me in a bar and says, "Oh yeah, I could totally beat the crap outta her!" ...Nobody, that's who.)

Life is a beach...

Going into this weekend, despite my hobbling, I knew that I had both Sunday and Monday off of work. And so I decided that I had every intention of spending as much time as possible at the beach.

Well, I guess I underestimated the lure of a day game for the Cubbies when I had that original thought, as I never made it to the beach on Sunday. But the Cubbies don't play until 7 today, so you can bet that if you're reading this at any time between 10AM (certainly no earlier) and 4 PM (maybe later) that my happy ass will be lounging on a Cubs towel on the sand listening to the waves of Lake Michigan, or some nice tunes... Whatever!

I have already packed up the necessary provisions for this beach trip, meaning that parked right next to my front door is a backpack containing the following:

• Afforementioned Cubs towel
• Sunscreen (for application to the parts of me that are already tanned, because we're looking to even things out a little bit)
• Tanning lotion (to catch up the tan on the parts of me that are usually covered by that sexy polo shirt I wear to work every damn day.)
• A big bottle of water (Because I might get a little thirsty out there.)
• A diskman cd player and an assortment of cds (because I was laid off from my real job about 2 weeks before I was set to buy that ipod I've been lusting after.)
• Extra batteries for that cd player, (because lord knows every time I think I am all set for a day of musical enjoyment in the sun the batteries konk out on me, and I have usually forgotten to pack more, and then I get all pissed off.)
• The BIG, noise cancelling headphones that completely cover my ears. (Because I really don't care how tan my ears get and sometimes applying bronzer to the ears is a hell of a lot easier than tolerating the incessant screams of wayward children who have been left unattended by their stupid, trashy parents... I used to be a lifeguard, I know that scam!)
• A really good book. (Because a day at the beach ain't a day at the beach unless you're reading a really good book out in the sunshine, to kind of take your mind off of how burnt the paler parts of you are going to be tomorrow.)
• My phone (which will only be answered for calls which can't possibly result in the ruining of my day at the beach)
• My camera (because when I get home I will probably be all happy and wanting to gloat about my day in the sun, so I'll share it with you!)
  

I know those of you at work right now are grumbling under your breath. You're bitter because you are actually sitting at a desk, earning a paycheck instead of enjoying the SPECTACULAR, sunny, breezy, cloudless, humidity-free, perfect 82 degree summer weather we are having up here today. And to you, the office drones of America, I offer this word of advice - Save your sick days for use during the summer for days EXACTLY like this... And USE THEM when the opportunity arises. Because being sick of the office totally counts as being sick... and what the boss doesn't know won't kill him.

And when I get home, rest assured, I will shower, have a nice meal, and a nice cold beer while watching the first pitch of the ball game ***... Every Monday should be so good.



*** -(To the fellas out there - if you are straight and single, what the hell is wrong with this picture? A moderately attractive, outgoing, educated, single female is spending all day at the beach, then going home to drink, and watch baseball. Oh, wait, I know what's wrong with this picture... I'M DOING THIS ALONE.)

Whoa, I lost consciousness there for a second and when I came to, I saw that the readings on the singles-bitterness meter just went off the charts there for a second... I don't know what the hell just happened... My sincerest apologies!

Anyway, I hope you kids have an enjoyable day in the salt mines!

I've been hobbled.

You've seen "Misery" right? You know with James Caan, and Kathy Bates? Quality movie, by the way, so if you haven't seen it, check it the hell out because missing it means there is something severely wrong with you.

Anyway, for those of you who have seen "Misery" you will recall the scene involving "hobbling." It's actually quite a well-known scene, you're probably familiar with it.

Oh hell... Here's the official trailer, the hobbling part is at the end.



So anyway... After spending the week at work, (with. a. hole. in. my. foot.) I was grateful for that day off on Friday... And that day off was delightful, don't get me wrong. But I went in to work today and as I ran around trying to get things done, I realized that I was in a great deal more pain than I was used to dealing with since sustaining this injury.

As it turns out, while trying to compensate for the foot injury, I really pissed off my ankle. To the point where it pulled a Kathy Bates on me and basically relayed the message to the rest of me by screaming, "HEY! You dumb slut, you've pissed me off. I've put up with your shenannigans all damn week, I'm not playing around with you ANY! MORE! And so, YOU WILL NOT WALK."

And so I hobbled around at work all day. And when I got home, I had a nice soak in the tub, and then I called Kirsten. (*For those of you who do not know, Kirsten is the ONLY person outside my family who I have ever lived with who I have maintained a working, functional, friendly relationship with.) Kirsten and I talked for an hour and a half, and in typical fashion, a long talk with Kirsten was more enjoyable than just about anything else I could've done with my Saturday night... I mention this, only because I have some QOTDs for you!

"Yeah - so Kelly comes in, and she's drunk and pissed off. And she sees that I have put a couple of boxes in her room... And she gets even more pissed off... And I kid you not. She gathers super-human strength from somewhere other-worldly, and she HURLS these boxes a la The Hulk throwing a tank."~ Kirsten talking about her sister/former roommate.

"I went out pretty hard last night. And it's Saturday. And I may or may not have to go into the office to do some work tomorrow... So to be honest I'm sitting here, and I'm kind of bitter that I am slowly drinking a bottle of wine tonight, rather than chugging it." ~Kirsten on the course of her weekend.

"I'm sorry... It's my guilty pleasure. I used to go out and get bridal magazines and read them in the bathroom while I was taking a dump... I can't do that now that I'm in a serious relationship! ...He'll think there's something wrong with me! " ~Kirsten on guilty pleasures.

Day off.

I had a day off from flower slinging, so did I live it up, or what?

More like "or what."

Granted, I did spend half the day in bed... Which was totally spectacular. And then I spent the remainder of the day cleaning the disaster area that was my apartment.

I did the dishes. (This is a big deal for me.)

Now as you may or may not know, I hate doing dishes. (We've been through this before, I know.) I hate it so much that I usually do my dishes one at a time to prevent having to do a sink full of dishes later.

For some inexplicable reason I let the dishes go for a while. And by a while, I'm talking well over a week. (This is a big thing for me, because I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE and DETEST food messes.)

I decided that my day off was the prime opportunity to get that heap-o-dishes done. So I did them. I cleaned up all the papers that were slung around the place from the day I spent looking for my checkbook. (Remind me next month that it's in the kitchen by the envelopes now.)

So now my apartment is gloriously clean, there isn't a dish in the sink, the shower is scum free, and almost all of my laundry is done. (This is really not an accomplishment because I wear pretty much the same thing to work every day... So aside from the daily socks & underwear, almost everything was clean to begin with.)

So I spent the evening with some friends in a local pub, drinking my problems away... And now that I'm home, and my problems are kinda fuzzy, I think I'm going to pop in a movie, and drink my face off because I don't have to be at work early tomorrow. I think it's a damn good plan.

And so I bid you a good night, my lovelies!

Sleep well. I know I will once I get there!!!

Another rough day in the land of Lizzle...

I am doing ok, the foot is healing nicely, though the hole is still there, and its still quite painful due entirely to the location. Work was fine, and considering I've got tomorrow off I'm feeling pretty good about that.

But then I got a phone call last night. Yesterday my Uncle Ron, (arguably my favorite uncle) suffered from TIA which is basically a mini-stroke that doesn't cause any permanent damage. TIA is often an indicator of future vulernability to strokes. Often TIA sufferers have strokes within 5 years of experiencing TIA. This evening we got a call from my Aunt Pam telling us that Uncle Ron didn't have to wait 5 years to have an actual stroke. He had one today.

At the last update, he was having trouble speaking, but was making every effort to be understood. And he was unable to get himself up and out of the wheelchair at the hospital. Fortunately he was still in the hospital for observation when all of this happened, so he got immediate treatment, and with physical and speech therapies, he is expected to eventually make a full recovery.

Not to imply that there is any GOOD time to have a stroke, but this came at a particularly rough time for the family. Two years ago today, my cousin gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Faith. Faith was born with a fatal genetic birth defect, and after two months Faith succumbed to the assorted symptoms of her birth defect. That trauma had a big impact on an incredible number of people. It was an incredible event, and as such, the dates surrounding the events of her birth, short life, and untimely death are things that are noteworthy events that are marked and quietly observed. The stroke in addition to the anniversary of Faith's birthday made it a very difficult day all around.

Trying to end things on a positive note, we'll close with a QOTD.

Customer (talking to Erin): "Do you know where I would find a shovel?"
Erin: "Well, I work for the flower company, not Home Depot, so no, I don't"
Customer: "You don't work for Home Depot?"
Erin: "No. Sorry."
Customer: "So you don't know where I would find a shovel?"
Kerry (talking to me): "I HATE it when the customers do that."
Liz: "Yeah... when they do that shit I always want to say, 'No, I don't work for Home Depot, but if you ask me where to find a shovel again after I told you I don't know where to find one, I will track one down and make it really easy for you to find... Because it will be BURIED IN YOUR SKULL.'"

QOTD

"Yeah, I watched a sailboat tip over the other day. I'm really glad that there were some other boaters out there who noticed it, because they weren't that far off shore, and I really didn't want to have to go all Hasselhoff out there." ~Nate