Sunday, September 03, 2006

Finding Religion

I don't usually get into religion here. It's not something that I think should be a public ordeal. I think that it's better to be humble in your faith. I also don't want to get into religious debates with anyone, because we live in a free country, and you can believe what you want, and so can I.

It's Sunday, generally regarded as a day for religious observation, so this fits...

That said, I'm a Catholic girl. Born & raised... Even went to a Catholic university. Go fig.

This post is more about my recent ordeal and how it pertains to my religion, so if it doesn't interest you, feel free to skip it. You've been warned. Don't get pissy about this with me later!

I know I've heard it said more than once that there are a lot of people out there who don't believe in God until they are faced with difficulty. Well, I have believed all along, and that doesn't lessen the difficulty in everyday life, I assure you... Well it does, but in an indirect way... We won't get into all that. I think it's a subtlety of one's own faith that goes into that distinction.

I am not incredibly zealous in my beliefs, but I do attend masses regularly, and I know the basic tennets of my religion, if only because I have had them drilled into me by my educators for the last 16+ years.

I know that there is an entire book of the bible dedicated to one man's faith in the face of difficulty. (Book of Job) Appropriate that the guy's name happens to coincide with my current difficulties, eh?

Now, while I am one who practices her religion, I am not what you might call a "bible-beater." I can't quote passages, and I don't sit and read my bible of an evening or anything. I do know the overall themes and the general ideas behind a few specific parts, but I think my faith is less about the words on the page which have been undoubtedly been changed (even slightly) and disseminated over the years, (historically this happens and gets worse with every translation). But like I said, my faith isn't one about the specificity of words on the page, but about my belief and faith in that higher guiding force, "god" if you will. And me and my god are buddies. We talk with some regularity... Well, I talk... And if I start hearing responses when I talk I'm seeking some serious anti-psychotic meds in a BIG hurry.

Anyway, I am having one of those crises of faith. One of those times when you really want and in fact NEED to believe, but feel a little twinge inside makes you wonder if it's really worth it. I'm trying to imagine that there is some purpose behind all the stuff I'm going through right now. I want so desperately to believe there is a reason. I've been talking to my buddy, god, and I'm just hoping that a response is in the works... For better or for worse, I like to know that my buddy is listening to me.

As it pertains to my faith, I have the distinct feeling that there is some master plan that I can't possibly see right now. (I'm still down on the trail, not above the tree line, remember?) But the humanly selfish part of me really wants to see that some kind of FORWARD progress is being made on that trail. I want to see some little patch of light on the trail ahead of me that indicates the sun is still shining up there.

I know I've probably bored you, but since you elected to read this far, I guess you should know that I talk to my buddy about you guys too. I thank god for the support and kind words you all leave me here, and that I can continue the wonderful dialogue we share every day. God seems to like you kids. Otherwise I'd be grounded (smited) and I don't think we'd be allowed to talk anymore... Fortunately my pal god is pretty benevolent and lets most of those hell-worthy things that I say on a regular basis slide.

I know I have you all thinking that I am some Jesus freak now, and so I'm just going to wrap this up and let that be it.

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