Televised sports will be the death of me...

[With the noted exception of the NBA,] The Lizzle LOVES televised sports. (That's certainly no secret.)

So far this season, the Bears have been a joy to behold. And Monday night... When the game was nationally broadcast? Uhh, yeah, not such a joy anymore. In fact, for the first three quarters, it was bordering on downright grueling to watch. It was just plain UGLY!

Touted to be the BEST team in the NFL, the Bears were being absolutely manhandled by the ARIZONA CARDINALS!

THE ARIZONA FREAKIN' CARDINALS!
(In case you couldn't tell, my voice got really loud and really high on that last bit!)

Honestly, I think they know exactly what they are doing when they build me up only to gleefully tear me down. SONS OF BITCHES!

And in that last quarter? They rip me from the depths of despair and put me on cloud nine with an absolutely INCREDIBLE miraculous win.

But I am still bitter that they played such shoddy football for the first three quarters. There is NO EXCUSE for that. You hear me? NO EXCUSE! NONE!

Speaking of Chicago sports news that displeases me immensely, the Cubs inked a 3 year deal with Lou Piniella. Yet another groan-inducing move to be tabulated in the KING BONEHEAD column. Honestly, it's the Cubs. I should have seen this coming from miles and miles away. Hell, I should have called it back at the all-star break... We're just that predictable when it comes to making dumb moves. Further compounding the groan factor, there are rumors that Piniella wants to aggressively pursue Alex Rodriguez... UGHHHHHH. Part of my soul just died.

Based on what you've read so far, I'm betting that I am probably coming off as a really embittered sports fan, aren't I?

I'd say that's fair. But in the interest of portraying myself accurately, I'll paint the picture for you.

First off, I have sports loyalties. I own them, and I stick to my guns. If I call a team to win, and they end up losing, I fully admit my error. I will not back-track for the sake of saving face. It's important that you know this. It's a big part of being a real sports fan.

About a half an hour before the game, we turn on the pregame show... Less for the arbitrary pregame commentary, and more to see how everyone looks before things get underway, and to get the latest scoop on the most recent round of suspensions, injuries, and criminal charges. (I wish I was kidding about that "criminal charges" thing, but unfortunately, I'm deadly serious.)

About two minutes before the kickoff/tipoff/first pitch/whatever opening to whatever sporting event is in question, I grab some kind of alcoholic beverage and I make sure that I take care of any necessary pregame bathroom trip. I get comfortable, and the game gets under way. I then spend the first half of the game watching, cursing at the television in the event of a stupid play, and yelping and whooping when things go well. I also spend the first half of most any game sulking and hating sports announcers.

Why do I hate sports announcers? I'll tell you. I understand that a part of their job is to more or less impartially narrate the events of the game, but that doesn't sit well with me for one reason. The reason being that they NEVER remain impartial, and they base their partiality solely on the score of the game at that moment. You think John Kerry was known for the "flip-flop" during the last presidential campaign? Apparently you've never heard professional sportscasters announce a game with a lead change. If you're watching a game where the teams are mismatched, and the favorite has an early lead, you hear them say, "Oh we all expected this," or "There was never any question that they were going to come out and play this way..." But as soon as the underdog makes a few plays and turns it all around they try and back out of everything they have been saying all game long by throwing something out like, "Oh we knew that if they could make the plays despite being the underdog there was no way that they couldn't make a game of it and end up winning this thing!" Bullshit! If you're going to broadcast your bias, stick to your guns! Don't welch on what you said ten minutes ago strictly because of a change on the scoreboard! ...And the rest of the time they quote stupid stats that nobody cares about, trying to make every game extraordinary. They always find a "first" that happened in this particular game. Word to the wise: I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but some games are not anything special. It's not that big of a deal. And this is coming from a raging sports fan.

That said, I have a tendency to spend at least the first half of the game wondering why I have the volume audible at all. About 80% of the time I do leave the volume where it is though. (If they piss me off enough to push it into that 20% you can bet that they do get the mute button.

The second half? (Or the late innings) I am usually grumbling and cursing profusely if things aren't going my way. Depending on the importance of the game, if things are going my way, I'm either leaning back and cracking another cold one, or crouched on the edge of my seat watching intently, and in the event of a big play in a big game you can bet my retarded ass is jumping up and down, hollering and screaming, "RUN MOTHER F#*KER! RUNNNNN!!!!!"

Yeah, I'm that obnoxious brand of sports fan who expects there to be little to no conversation during a game. And when there is talk, it better be about the game, or you will be leaving the room, either because I gave you a stare-down that indicates your safety has been compromised by your chatter, or because I will physically be tossing you out a window. Yeah, I'm that sports fan. If you don't like it, I suggest you go read a book in a different zip code, for at least the duration of the game.

I swear these televised sports are going to give me an aneurysm, or a massive heart attack, something sudden and unpleasant... It's less a question of how and more a matter of when...