Another day another dollar.

I went to work. There wasn't much to do. This is typical. I passed the time talking to Westfall. She gets it.

Westfall is a regular reader, friend, and colleague. She is also a young single woman living in Chicago. She comes to me today and says "I read the blog. I agree. I am also difficult. I've tried telling my mom that I get the feeling that marriage might not be for me, and every time I say it I think it's going to kill her." (I paraphrased, but you get the idea.) This admission was a double-edged sword. On the one hand it comforted me to know that I was not alone in feeling this way. There are other fabulous girls out there who, like me, are questioning what is wrong with them that makes it so hard to find a decent guy. On the other hand I can assure those of you who don't know J-Dub on a personal level that she is a VERY attractive girl with a very attractive and outgoing personality. While I feel I can keep pace on a personality level, I have no problem saying that physically I'm closer to the "average" portion of the spectrum whereas Westfall is on the more positive extreme. (It's true J-Dub... you're hot. It's ok.) So the more cutting edge of that fact is that if a girl as cute as J-Dub can't find a worthwhile boy, there seems to be relatively little hope for the rest of us average girls.

Don't mistake my intent with this entry. I'm not writing this because I'm fishing for compliments. I don't want you to feel sorry for me and say "Oh no, you're hot, Liz!" It's ok really. I know where I stand in the grand spectrum, and empirical evidence positions me closer to the middle of the pack. I'm ok with that. To quote one of my favorite movies "Garden State," "I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better." Compliments are nice and I like getting them as much as any other girl, don't get me wrong, but in this particular case, they are not necessary. They are not what I'm after by putting this out there for the masses. I am simply allowing you all a small glimpse into my neurosis. (And this is a little window on my thinking since you all already know about the ever-present drought, which I'm anxiously hoping to snap while vacationing in Florida. The key phrase for this trip is "GUARDED OPTIMISM")

Meanwhile I've determined that I am in a rut. Though significant, the drought is only a small part of this. Last night, the wheels started turning as I had a really good chat with my buddy Nate G. (Who I love, because he is one of the most wonderfully sincere and genuine people I know.) I know that there are a lot of you out there who are saying to yourselves, "Jesus, Liz, I could have told you that MONTHS AGO! You're only getting to this now?" And the answer is yes, I am only now coming to this revelation. And I will say this, if I wasn't a reader, it would have taken me even longer to figure it out. I was reading a book while at the cage today, and one of the characters noted that he was in a rut... and all of a sudden the light went on above my head. I suddenly knew what was looming on my subconscious daily existence. A RUT. Amazing. The thing is, I get this sneaky feeling that this one might be quite difficult to shake. I mean I think this has been going on since shortly after my week-long-birthday-bender. Since then I've had a couple months of classes, a couple weeks off from classes (many skipped classes while they were still going on), many weekends out, many paychecks, two holiday trips home, an awesome Christmas, and an impending Florida vacation. Still nothing seems to be enough to shake this rut. Now, admittedly, there have been some good days in there, and a few REALLY good days here and there, but the fact is that it all goes back to the same old thing. I land right back in the rut where I started. This is rather perplexing. And I also have the sneaking suspicion that this rut is slowly but surely converting my normal optimistic outlook on life to a very ugly cynical pessimism... This is a problem. (Yeah, it's a problem when a rut is slowly altering my overall outlook on life.) (Any suggestions kids??)


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QOTD
1.6.05 - "I'm an asshole, not a total fucking asshole." ~Corey K.

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TOTD

Merril Bainbridge - "State of Mind"

Corey Taylor - "Bother"