Dearest Sir or Madam,

I've lost my buddy Dave. I was hoping that some kindly person such as yourself would help me track him down. He's from the greater Baltimore area. He's a tall fellow, reasonably attractive. He has a deranged, often crass, and always sarcastic sense of humor, and he can often be seen tooling around in a silver grand prix, or tinkering with a jeep. He is kind of a computer geek, and at the last time of contact he held a job at Johns-Hopkins in the IT department. (But seeing as this is/was my buddy Dave, there is a chance this might have changed in the time elapsed since said last contact.) He can also occasionally be spotted abusing his liver in the bars at Fells Point, or revelling in his drunkenness on park benches in the surrounding area. If you happen upon this gentleman, please do not approach him as he is armed (yep, he's got 2 arms!) and somewhat dangerous (though only to single women) please contact the local authorities, as I am sure he's wanted on some drunk & disorderly charge where a bench warrant had to be issued, or some similar charge. Then please contact me via e-mail or phone because I have a tendency to worry about this boy since I know he has a penchant for being a troublemaker. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Lizzle
Chicago, IL.