Monday, August 28, 2006

It's fantasy football season!!!

As one who has participated in fantasy sports for a few years, (and won the league once,) I can tell you there are many decisions that need to be made long before the first game day coin toss. You need to decide what kind of league you want to join, who you want in the league with you, who you want to draft to make up your team, who are your back ups when ALL of your draft picks inevitably fall through, just to name a few... And then there's the most important decision of all.

The one decision that tells everyone else what to to expect from you all season long.

What the hell do I name my team?

The team name that you come up with indicates to your fellow league mates about YOU. If you have a lame team name it indicates to them that you are not willing to put in the time and effort involved in fantasy sports. If your team name is some stupid inside joke it indicates one of two things; either you are in a league with your friends who will probably get the joke and make fun of your retarded ass anyway, or you're a co-dependent freak who needs the approval of others on any and every decision they make so you will take 10 times longer to make any decisions... Trust me when I tell you that nobody wants to be in the league with the guy who can't make a simple decision on their own. It's one thing to consult a bunch of other people if you're trying to manufacture a trade that can only be pulled off by brokering a deal involving 10 teams so that you can get what you want and eventually you come out on top in the end. It is something else entirely to consult 32 people to see which of your running backs to bench this week. Yeah, don't be THAT GUY.

Now this is not to say that you can't consult your friends before naming your team. By all means, consult one or two of your most amusing friends. Just make sure that you collectively come up with something that everyone else in the whole of your league can at least appreciate on a surface level. Yes there are those few who stick to the basics, like something including their name, or hometown, or something equally lame... Word of advice: unless you won your league the year before and you went with a similar naming and player-draft strategy, don't do this... It's just sad to see that you're in a league with people who don't care enough to put forth the great naming effort. So make it snappy. If there's an extra little joke built in there for your own amusement, fine, but just remember that you're going to have to deal with these people all season long, so you might as well give them a laugh when they see what you decided to call your team.

Tonight my dear friend Mel was kind enough to include me in the team naming consultation. I was more than happy to help. And we came up with some DOOZIES. Most of these are Lizzle originals that I ran through with Mel, but then there were a few that didn't come along until later...

In no particular order: (For the ones that mention the Dutch, keep in mind that Mel is of Dutch descent. And let's face it, those crazy wooden-shoe-wearing Dutch folk are more than a little bit inherently funny.)
  • The Dutch Oven Conspiracy
  • The Team from Herpes Island
  • The Team Formerly Known As The Panty Raiders
  • Balloon Animals from John Wayne Gacy
  • Tranny Hooker Jugband
  • Sideline Pirates
  • Ron Burgundy's Moustache
  • Ridin' Dirty Dutch
  • Amish Rake Fight
  • Rodeo Clowns Gave Me Crabs
  • Rectal Urgency
  • More Cowbell
  • Drunken Pigeon Invasion
  • Spork Wielding Sea Monkeys
  • Velcro Underwear
  • Battery Acid Shampoo
  • Tom Cruise and the Banana Hammocks
  • Salmon Flavored Hampsters
  • The Pregnant Nuns
  • The Granny Panty Express
  • Ed Gein & The Ed-skins (If you don't get this one, click this link and look under the Arrest heading.)
  • Badonkadonk Certified Circus Performers
  • French-Canadian Park Bench Lickers
  • Mr. Earl and the Occasionally Accurate Knife Throwers
  • Suck My Ditka (And on a side note, I'm so putting this one on a t-shirt)
  • My Team Is On The Elvis Diet
  • Thai Hooker Exchange
  • Fat Guys in Little Coats
  • Team Zack Morris
  • Banana Slug Liberation Front
  • Snakes on a Football Field
  • Celebrity Neck Waddles
  • Puppy Soup & The Kitten Kabobs
  • Obscenely Painful Rug Burn
  • The Land Sharks
  • Malnourished Midget Brigade
  • Bloody Care Bears
  • Angst-Ridden Octogenarians
  • Lop-Sided Camel Humps Union Local 163rd
I could give you more, but it's more fun to see what you kids can come up with when given the kind of start I've afforded you.

So here's a challenge. Come up with 5 original/creative team names and leave them in the comments! (I greatly look forward to seeing what you come up with.) Any other comments are still welcome as well.

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