Do's and Don'ts of Driving

• Do turn your stereo all the way up. If you're like me you find driving to be a relaxing escape from life's struggles. Too often you find yourself pulled from the warmth of the womb that is your 84 Chevy Chevette by the sounds of an angry and selfish world. Luckily for you Honda, in it's infinite wisdom, has included with your 92 Civic ES (that's the cheap one) a 60 watt three speaker stereo system. Use it. You'd be surprised how well a cheap stereo and a Jefferson Spaceship 8-track can drown out the blaring horns of fellow drivers and the blood curdling screams of pedestrians caught unawares.

• Don't use your turn signals. After a late night and a hard days work most people find that they need a little pick-me-up. Bumper to bumper freeway driving is no solution, rather it does quite the opposite, putting even the most spastic 12 year old into a deep coma. Help your fellow commuters wake from their slumber by changing lanes quickly and without warning. The horns you hear are the cheers of thankful drivers TIP: More advanced drivers will master the incorrect turn signal method of driving... I prefer leaving my left turn signal on ALL the way home. God bless blinky lights.

• Do aim for squirrels. listen they're gonna get hit. It's better that you end their lives quickly with a single square squish than they get clipped and die a slow painful death. So aim for the little bastards. TIP: This makes for a great game. A common point system is as follows: Squirrels 2 points, Cats 3 and the elderly 1.

• Don't let a good opportunity pass you by. While this rule applies to life in general here we'll only discuss opportunities applicable to driving. Let's say you're stuck in traffic one hot July evening and suddenly you hear sirens. In your rearview mirror you see a great red truck parting traffic like the Reed Sea (red sea was a mistranslation... get over it). Yes, at this very moment a man is standing outside his burning home screaming to his wife whom is stuck on the second floor. She will die. Everyone dies though so don't get all mushy on me. Here you've a great opportunity. Don't let it pass you by. Follow that fire truck like it's your friggin job. TIP: Feel free to follow ambulances, fire trucks and cops. be careful not to follow cops too closely as they will pull you over and beat the crap out of you, possibly give you a ticket.

• Do unplug your brake lights. Unbeknownst to most drivers these little red lights warn others that you are braking... that's right, I'll say it again. Brake lights let others know that you are stopping. But wait you say, this is the U.S.A!!! Privacy is important to every US citizen, but here we find that the auto industry is openly giving out personal information to anyone who happens to be behind us. Fight the power and unplug your brake lights. BONUS: Most states are cracking down on tailgaters. In MD, for example, if you rear-end another driver you are ALWAYS at fault no matter the circumstances. You'll find that you've a second income after unplugging your brake lights. You owe me big.

• Don't wear your seat belt. Extreme sports (sometimes spelled Xtreme) are spreading across the world like wild fire. Many find themselves spending thousands of dollars a year to feed their adrenalin habit. Why? Why travel for hours, spend thousands of dollars and be forced to wear neon colored clothing? There are cheaper ways to laugh in the face of common sense. Instead try driving without your seat belt. You'll find that even a trip to the grocery store becomes an xtreme adventure. The head rush will do much to extinguish the flames of embarrassment as you set the box of extra wide pads and Monistat 7 vaginal suppositories down on the conveyer belt of the express lane at your local SuperFresh (it's amazing what a man will do when in Love). TIP: Remove your windshield. There's no bigger buzz kill than slamming into a sheet of glass at 80 miles per hour. Not to say you’ll survive the 200 foot flight of doom, but those few seconds of free fall are totally bodacious... dude.

Sorry I didn't get this posted yesterday, but I had to work.... at work. You should try it Liz. :-P