A Simple List of Do's and Don'ts for Dating

• Do compliment your man or lady when it is deserved. Be wary of over-complimenting your mate being that they may begin to believe that they really are "the sexiest, smartest person in the the entire world" and will leave you for some prick named Chip or chick called Zoey.
• Don't drink Yeungling whilst on a date. While the Ling is a crisp full flavored American beer, which is sure to please, it WILL give you gas. This may not be a problem while you're awake, but nothing will send a date running faster than sleep farting. Breeeeeeeeeet.
• Do shower your lover with cheap meaningless gifts. If your girl has a thing for apple paraphernalia be prepaired to take full advantage. A set of bathroom towels with little apples on em will cost you 10 bucks but you will reap great reward (usually head). Added bonus: When she dumps your triflin ass her future BFs will be forced to think of you everytime they use her apple hand towels, apple frig magnets, apple door mat, apple oven mits, apple candy bowl, apple panties and apple bed sheets.
• Don't remember the names of her ex lovers. This is tough as she may mention them many times during the first few weeks of the relationship (i.e. "John always put the seat down" , "Barry loved to make me dinner" , "Rob always got it in the right hole"). By putting forth the effort to remember the names of these blowhards you're telling her that it's ok that she was with other men before you. It most certainly is not. FYI: An ex boyfriend is always just a drunken phone call away from being a flashback... single night of passion with an old lover aka a flashback.
• Do constantly touch her. Not to the level of humping her leg (though fun it may be) rather hold her hand, brush shoulders while walking, place a hand on thigh when driving, arm around waste and other such things. Do so makes her feel special... not that that matters, but it does make it much harder for her to get away. TIP: Beware of girls who are quick to initiate contact as these girls dont' want to run away... and will most likely give chase when you attempt to bolt.
• Don't tell her about the time you dreamed you were having sex with your grandfather. She won't understand..... you're wondering how I knew
  
• Do show her your vast collection of porn. Many will tell you this is not wise, but these people are cronic masturbaters. TIP: Copy, not move, your porn into folder named "Not Porn" on your desktop. When your girl is over your place show her the original folder with the original copies of your dirty picture shows and repeat this "I was lonely. I was searching for something, something I needed, but couldn't describe. I've found that with you. I need you. [pause] this is the past I won't return to" then suck it up and delete the original porn folder... this will be tough, but there's a backup. protect the backup. TIP #2: If you're without computer and forced to use DVD/VHS/Magazines don't fret. There's always one or two videos you've rewound to many times and a couple mags which you can't open without the jaws'0'life. Just let her throw those way... give her gloves before hand.
• Don't be honest. Women will tell you that they treasure honesty above all else. These are the same women who tell you size doesn't matter. Bullcrizzap. Look, Chica does not need to know that you once killed a rabbit because you were bored. Sexy does not need to know that you can convert grams to ounces in your head and she certainly doesn't need to know why you learned how. Baby does not need to know that you are immune to hemorroids due to the calluses you developed during that brief stay at the state pen. Just keep your mouth shut and nod, you fool.
  
• Do hit on her mother. Let's be honest, if the parents don't dig you you've got no chance. She will never choose you over daddy and the rents will spend hours a day just trying to ruin your not entirely bad name. Sooooooo hit on her mom!!! It's a safe bet dad hasn't been taxing it has much as he used to and mom has got an itch she needs a man to reach. Be there for her now and she'll back you up in the future. When your girl won't let you sleep with her stylist moms will be there to say "He's only asking because you aren't capable of fulfilling his needs. You've grown cold and bitter. You bitch" and once you've got moms on your side you're unstoppable.
  
• Don't think that I won't post more dating/relationship tips in the future

Love, Dave