The pooping contest...

There comes a certain point in every blogger's life when the personal blog goes through something of a transition. The blog originally founded on the premise of personal catharsis and seriousness makes a switch to just dallying around with the events of ordinary daily existance. The business blog goes personal. The sexual blog goes into a dry spell.

The best blogs, arguably run by the coolest people, handle these transitions with humor and self-deprication. (Not to toot my own horn, but I like to think I've done my part to count myself among these people.)

This happens to LOTS of people who keep up with their blogging on a regular basis.

As someone who has had a blog for damn near 2 years now, I would like to note that I've always tried to "keep it real" here. I don't mean that I'm tryin' to rep my hood or anything... just noting that as far as topics and emotions go, I think I've hit places all along the vast spectrum. And yet... There is one topic that I have not addressed.

Pooping.

This is an important topic. I mean REALLY... Pooping is not only a GUARANTEED LAUGH, it's also something that absolutely everyone on the face of this earth can relate to. (Think about the hottest person you know... Think about that gorgeous celebrity that you've had a crush on for entirely too long... You thinking about them? Well you know what? THEY POOP TOO!)

Here's the thing, the reason that I've not mentioned pooping on here before is because for some strange reason I had some crazy kind of notion that there needed to be a minimum level of decorum here... That's why certain other unsavory topics haven't been touched upon. Those unsavory topics are made all the more unsavory because for the most part they totally lack the laugh factor... Pooping is kind of an exception to the rule.

But in the interest of maintaining morale, getting in a few chuckles, and sharing the events of my daily life, I'm going to go for it... I'm going to tell a pooping story.

I will go ahead and paint a picture for you here... I know a great many people who don't poop at work at all. I once worked with a girl who literally left work every day on what should have been her lunch break so that she could drive home to take a dump. EVERY DAY. I think that's excessive bathroom avoidance. I also know people who will poop at work, but absolutely refuse to use the bathroom on the same floor as their office... They go to great lengths to put as much distance between their office, and their poo... You know what, I think this is more reasonable than going home every time you've gotta drop a deuce, but honestly, when you've gotta go, you've gotta go.

And today I had to go... And I only have a key to the bathroom on the same floor as my office... so that means distance is impossible, even if I needed it, which I don't. I'm ok with going wherever I gotta go, because I know I gotta go when I gotta go, and I know I'll feel better once it's all over and done with. [sic]

It should be noted that my office is on the same floor as a few other businesses... and a couple of those businesses have their own private bathrooms inside their suites... We're not one of those, so we share our bathroom with (I think) just one other office on the floor. All in all, there aren't many people who use the ladies room on any given day, and I see the cleaning ladies working hard to keep my bathroom as sanitary as possible on a daily basis... This eases the blow of having to go at the office.

So today I was sitting at my desk and suddenly it dawned on me that I needed to go... And so I went into the bathroom to heed nature's call. Now, I'm aware that there are certain rules that apply to pooping in a shared space... And I think rule number one is to make your presence known to other bathroom inhabitants. As I entered I made sure to kind of jingle my keys as I hung them on the hook before settling in for the business at hand... Generally accepted forms of letting others know you're in the bathroom include a throat clearing, a cough, a toe tap... really, any kind of little noise is acceptable. Not hearing anything from the rest of the restroom, I assumed I was alone and free to go about my business. I was wrong. About a minute and a half into the business at hand I hear a flush from the next stall over. THAT BITCH! SHE WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T MAKE HER PRESENCE KNOWN!

Naturally, having heard the flush I fully expected to hear her get herself together and promptly leave... She didn't. (As it turns out she was heeding one of the other *rules of public pooping, namely the courtesy flush. --*Apparently you can just pick and choose which rules you're going to abide by.)

So here I am, mid-way through my own business, sharing the restroom with someone else who is mid-business... This means I'm in what essentially boils down to a pooping contest. This is a hot-button issue and must be handled according to the rules DOWN TO THE LETTER. I can't exit my stall first, because she was in her stall first for an unknown period of time prior to my entry into the bathroom. This means she could finish at any time and if I leave my stall first and approach the sink to wash my hands, (because people that don't wash their hands are just BEYOND DISGUSTING,) she could come out and eye contact could be made... This should NEVER EVER happen when it comes to pooping. Two poopers should never be in the same bathroom at the same time, let alone be able to make eye contact... THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE RULES!!!!!

So now I've gotta wait her out. The pooping contest continues.

She flushes again... and stays. (Another courtesy flush, I assume.) At this point I think she is also making assumptions about what I'm doing on my side of the partition, and is likely trying to wait me out. I'm not about to make eye contact with this bitch... Even if she is kind enough to courtesy flush... I'm not leaving first! It's just too risky.

In the rather anti-climactic ending, I waited her out, and avoided a socially awkward situation, and then spent my afternoon contemplating how to best approach this as a topic for today's post. And this is what you get.

I hope you all have a great weekend.